Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and now he wants to enrol on RCIA ”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
 
Lee1 said:
A lot of people talk about dune weddings but I’ve never seen one.
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It’s something that really only happens in the Atreides family.
Benny is an average frog. Some frogs have long legs, not him. Some frogs can jump abnormally far, not him. Some frogs croak very loud, not him. He’s just an average frog. So one day as he’s hopping around the swamp, he comes across a fairy in a trap and frees the fairy. The fairy says to him, “Oh thank you, Benny, I shall give you a wish.”
Benny doesn’t know what he wants to wish for so he takes a rain check on the fairy’s wish. As he’s hopping home, he goes by a campsite with some men and they have great beards. As he hops by the road, there’s a biker gang with their beards flapping in the wind behind them on glorious winds. When he finally gets home he turns on the television and there are commercials showcasing glorious beards. Realizing what he wants to wish for, the thing that will stop him being average, he hops back to the forest and tells the fairy he wants a beard.
“Okay, Benny,” the fairy replies, “but if I give you a beard, you can never shave it. If you do, I shall turn you into an urn.”
“That’s okay!” shouts Benny, “Just give me a beard.”

By the time he gets home again, he rubs his cheek and can already feel some stubble. When he wakes up in the morning, he’s got a nice little beard on his cheeks.
This makes him the talk of the town. Sure any frog could have longs legs, but a beard is special. Sure any frog can jump far, but a beard is special. Sure any frog can croak loudly, but a beard is special. Everyone comes to him to gaze at his wonderful beard. And for many months, Benny loves it.

But eventually he began to not be visited so much. His beard was getting long. He was finding day old ham sandwiches in it and it was getting tangled up everywhere. So in the interest of making life easier and bringing the people back, he decided to shave. As soon as he finishes shaving, the fairy appears behind him and, as promised, turns him into an urn.

The moral of the story is that a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
 
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.

They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is).

As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close.

The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down.

When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out.

The father leans over and whispers to the son, “Quick , son, go get your mother!”
 
As they say, that’s wrong on so many levels. 🙂

If you’re an employer does it make you boss-eyed?
 
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A man spots a sign outside of a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”

Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog.

“I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in WW2 . And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The man is flabbergasted.

He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
 
Joining a club or two is great but I never really had that sense of belonging until I worked at the lost property office
 
A man is talking to God.

“God, how long is a million years?”

God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”

“God, how much is a million dollars?”

“To me, it’s a penny.”

“God, may I have a penny?”

“Wait a minute.”
 
My dad told me that uncle Sidney was a rich man until he was tricked into buying a flying carpet. I said “really! How much?” Dad said “ $300 million.” I said “wow! That was one expensive carpet, why was it so dear?” He said “it wasn’t the carpet so much as the 747 it was glued to.”
 
Lee1 said:
My dad told me that uncle Sidney was a rich man until he was tricked into buying a flying carpet. I said “really! How much?” Dad said “ $300 million.” I said “wow! That was one expensive carpet, why was it so dear?” He said “it wasn’t the carpet so much as the 747 it was glued to.”
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something has to keep those planes up in the air…
:🥁
 
A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?”

A gentleman says, ”I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

“Very good!” says the group leader.

One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

“That’s wonderful!” the group leader comments.

One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.”

The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

“Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!”
 
It’s the calendar I feel sorry for, after all, it’s days are numbered.
 
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
 
During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement.”

Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face.

The minister repeated his point louder. “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!”

The man nodded and smiled even more.

This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!”

Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile.

Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, “I said each member of this church is going to die!”

The man grinned from ear to ear.

After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. “I don’t get it,” the preacher said in frustration. “Whenever I said, ‘Each member of this church is going to die,’ your smile got bigger. Why?”

“I’m not a member of this church,” the man replied.
 
I saw my dentist today, not a happy man but I suppose he has no option but to look down in the mouth.
 
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
 
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