Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A husband and wife are fighting about who has to make coffee in the morning. The wife says “You wake up before me you should do it.” The husband says “It’s part of the cooking so it’s your responsibility.” “No.” the wife says. “It’s in the bible that the man makes coffee.” The husband says “Prove it.” The wife goes and gets the bible and sure enough there it is…“HEBREWS”
 
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet, too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”

(WND)
 
(ajokeaday)
Labor Distraction

When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.

It must have been the delivery.
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Four Ukrainian brothers left their village to study. After many years they became successful lawyers and doctors, and prospered.

Some years later they were discussing what Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far in a small town.

The first said: “I had a big house built for Mama”.

The second said: “I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre / cinema built in Mama’s house”.

The third said: “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to Mama”.

The fourth said: “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can’t read because she can’t see very well. I met our priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. He told me it took the monks twelve years to teach it to do that. I pledged to contribute $100,000 a year for three years to the Ukrainian Orthodox Church if I could have that parrot. I got it, and it was worth it. Now, Mama just has to name a chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it”.

The brothers were impressed.

After Christmas Mama sent out her thank-you notes. She wrote:

“Ivan, the house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. But thank you, my dear”.

“Slavko, you gave me an expensive cinema with Dolby sound. It holds 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and am nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thanks, dear, anyway”.

“Myroslav, I’m too old to travel. I stay at home and have my groceries delivered, so I’ll never use the Mercedes. The thought was good, thanks”.

“My dearest Andriy, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious! Thank you, and have a lovely day! Mama”.
 
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,

but

one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular , gorgeous .

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, 'I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
 
A Scouser turns up at the pearly gates of Heaven wearing a Liverpool football shirt and L.F.C tatooed on his forehead.

St Peter says , " What do you want ? "

Scouser says , "I want to get into Heaven . "

Peter says , " You won’t get in here unless you did something really brave in your life because God doesn’t like Scousers."

Scouser says , "I have done something brave… I went to Old Trafford… pushed my way into the Stretford End and chanted…WE HATE MAN U . "

Peter said , " Well , yeah that is really brave… when did you do that?"

Scouser says…"about 2 minutes ago . "
 
A group of chaps , all aged 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous , with tight mini skirts , great legs , nice bums and beautiful all round figures .

Ten years later , at age of 50 , the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60 , the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later , at age 70 , the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later , at age 80 , the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
 
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.”

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, “You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shuts them all up when
he observes, “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There’s no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and bottom are interchangeable.
 
Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune.He had trained his parrot , after months of hard work to tell jokes.

At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work , so he took the parrot down to his local pub.

“This is my incredible joke telling parrot,” boasted Fred.

" Go on,"jeered the pub regulars.“We’ll give you ten to one that your parrot can’t tell us a joke.”

"All right,"replied Fred.“I accept your bet.”

But try as he could,Fred was unable to make the parrot talk , let alone tell jokes.

Fred left the pub, dismally, having lost the bet.

On the way home he shook the parrot and shouted:“What do you mean by keeping quiet you stupid bird? You made me lose a ten to one bet!”

"Ah!"squawked the parrot.“Tomorrow you’ll be able to get fifty to one.”
 
An old man walks into the barber’s shop for a shave and a haircut .

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.
 
Little Tommy had just returned home after an outing with his father.

‘Well , dear , how did you like the zoo?’ asked Tommy’s mother.

'Oh , it was great!'replied little Tommy .

‘And Dad liked it too . Especially when one of the animals came racing home at thirty to one.’
 
On a train from London to Manchester , an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

" You English are too stuffy . You set yourselves apart too much . You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. "

" Look at me…I’m ME. I have Italian blood , French blood , a little Indian blood , and some Swedish blood . What do you say to that? "

The Englishman replied , "Awfully sporting of your mother , old chap! "
 
Rob2 said:
The Englishman replied , "Awfully sporting of your mother , old chap! "
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😶 😯 😮 😱
Two Frenchmen, Jacques and Pierre, are walking through the park one when Jacques turns to Pierre and says, "Oh no, Pierre, this is the end of me. Look up ahead. It’s my wife and my mistress walking hand in hand toward us.
Pierre replies, “Jacques, I was about to say the same thing.”
 
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