Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No,” he says. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married ."

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. "No. They’re all at the funeral.
 
Want to hear a joke? So there’s this honest politician…
What’s green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.
How many blondes does it taie to change a lightbulb?

One to get the chair and one to pin on the diaper.
Teacher: If I give you five cookies and then tell you to give Sally two of them, how many do you have left?
Johnny: Five. Sally ain’t getting my cookies.
Teacher: Okay. What if instead of telling you to give Sally two, I take two of yours to give them to her. What do you have left?
Johnny: Trust issues.
 
A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any blasted bread .”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, are you deaf, we haven’t got any darned bread, ask me again and I’ll nail your stupid beak to the bar you irritating bird!”

Duck says: “Got any nails?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: "Got any bread?
 
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the living room watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman hiding somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere.Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack .
and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer. We’d both still be
alive.
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Yorkshire . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general … and all in the name of humour!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells, “You stay out of this mister! I’m talking to that little brat on your knee!”
 
There are three guys, Bob, Joe, and Tom. They’re walking around one day when they find some bricks. A red one, a yellow one, and a blue one. Bob takes the red brick, turns to the others, and says, “Here watch this.” He then tosses the brick and it lands fifty feet away. A nice distance for a brick.
So Joe picks up and the yellow one, tells the guys to watch, and throws it 100 feet away. Very nice distance for a brick.
So Tom walks over to the blue brick and picks it up. “Just you watch.” he says. He winds up his arms, stretches, tosses the brick straight up into the air, and it doesn’t come down.
A man walks into a bar and drinks a beer. As he prepares to order another he turns to the lady next to him and says, “Hey, Missy, want to hear a blonde joke?”
The lady turns to him and says, “Sir, I’m a blonde and I’m part of the local boxing club. The bartender, also a blonde and she has a baseball bat under the bar. Look over there at those three women, all blondes, and know they’re part of a biker gang. So are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke here?”
“Well no, now that you put it that way.” says the guy, “I don’t want to have to explain it five times.”
Johnny is known for being a slow kid. Other kids like to prove it by showing Johnny a nickel and dime and having him the most valuable one. He always chooses the nickel and they say he does so because it’s bigger. One day Jeff, a local neighbor, sees the kids doing this and pulls Johnny aside afterwards. He says, “Johnny, I know you. You’re smarter than they think. So why do you always pick the nickel? You know the dime’s worth more.”
Johnny replies, “But if I picked the dime they’d stop doing it.”
A blonde is out in a a cornfield in a bowboat. All day she’s rowing, not going anywhere because she’s in a rowboat, when the sun starts to get low. An SUV pulls up nearby and the window rolls down. It’s another blonde. The car blonde shouts at the blonde rowing in the field, “You’re kind of dumb blonde that gives us all a bad name! I’d beat you up if only I could swim out there!”
Back in days with the Boy Scouts, my troop had a lot of long story jokes we liked to tell. But because they were so long, we decided to number them so that someone could shout a number and we’d all laugh because we knew the joke. On one campout there was a new scout by the name of Mason with us who I was telling this to. Right after I finished the explanation he gave it a go and shouted, “7!”
After no one laughed he was a bit confused so I said to him, “It’s okay if no one laughed, Mason. Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke.”
 
A blonde is on her first day of the job as a waitress at a truck stop. A trucker walks in, her first customer, sits down and says, “I’ll have three flat tires and two runners.”
The blonde, a little confused, takes down his order and walks over to ask another waitress what he meant.
“That’s John,” replies the other waitress, “and he just has a funny way of ordering things. Flat tires are pancakes and runners are strips of bacon.”
So a few minutes later the blonde comes by the table and puts down a bowl of baked beans.
“What’s this?” asks the trucker.
The blonde replies, “While you were waiting for your flat tires and runners I figured you’d want to gas up.”
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What’s the difference between a cobra and a lawyer?

One is a cold-blooded reptilian killer that uses venom to take down its unsuspecting prey. The other is a cobra.
Do you know why firetrucks are red? It’s simple.
2 + 2 = 4
4 x 3 = 12
There are 12 inches is a foot
A ruler is 1 foot
A famous ruler was Queen Elizabeth
The Queen Elizabeth sailed the seas
Seas have fish
Fish have fins
The Finns fought the Russians
Russians are red
And firetrucks are always Russian.
rushin’
Back in the day during the Arab-Israeli wars, Israel’s military was known for being pretty decent. But a fearless Syrian general was marching his army on the attack. While going through some hills, the general looked through his binoculars and saw an Israeli soldier on a hill. Not wanting to let the soldier report any information, he ordered a squad of soldiers to take out the Israeli.

The squad of soldiers broke from the army and the Israeli soldier ducked behind the hill as they approached so they followed. After they disappeared from view the Syrian general heard gunfire and the Israeli soldiers popped back up from behind the hill.

A bit ticked off that the Israeli survived despite the squad sent after him, the general order a truck with 20 men to take out the Israeli. As the truck approached, the Israeli ducked behind the hill again so they followed. As they disappeared the general heard gunfire, screams, and explosion. And after all that, the Israeli soldier popped up from behind the hill.

Now the Syrian general was mad. He shouted order to move the tanks over, made calls for an airstrike, when one of his men, wounded, crawled from behind the hill. Desperation in his voice, the man said, “Stop! Stop! It’s a trap! There’s a second Israeli soldier behind the hill!”
 
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A blonde walks into an appliance store. After looking around for a while, she see a TV she likes so she goes to an associate and says, “Sir, I’d like to buy that TV.”
The associate replies, “Sorry, Mam, we don’t serve dumb blondes here.”
A little miffed, the blonde leaves, puts on a brown wig, and comes back in. “Sir, I’d like to buy that TV.” she says.
“Again, Mam, we don’t serve dumb blondes here.” he replies.
She’s miffed again, but goes out and gets a red wig. She comes in again and says, “Sir, I’d like to buy that TV.”
“I told you we don’t serve dumb blondes.” he says.
Figuring he must recognize her face, she goes out, gets a mask, a black wig, a voice scrambler and comes back. “Sir, I’d like to buy that TV.”
“For the last time,” he says, “we don’t serve dumb blondes here.”
She’s had it by now. “I put on wigs, I got a mask, I scrambled my voice. How do you know it’s me every time?”
“Mam,” the man replies, “that’s a microwave.”
A rancher is bringing his heard of cattle across a road when a car approaches. A man gets out and says to the rancher, “How long do you think it’ll be?”
“Oh I should be fully across in about ten minutes,” the rancher replies.
“Well, while I’m waiting, would you like to make a bet?” the man asks.
“What do you have in mind?”
“If I can guess exactly how many cattle you have, would you give me one?”
The rancher thinks for a moment and says, “Sure. It’s a deal.”
The man stands in the road for a while looking at the cattle and says the to the rancher, “You have exactly 7,924 cattle.”
The rancher whistles and says, “Well I’ll be. That’s exactly right. Deal’s a deal, take your pick.”
As the man’s loading his pick into the car, the rancher says, “How about I make you a deal. If I can guess your profession, and you’re a politician, will you give me back my dog?”
Joe is flying first class. As he sits down, he pulls out a Cuban cigar and is ready to just relax for the flight. As he’s reclining, a lady sits down near him and sets down a parrot cage. The parrot says, “Smoking is bad for your health. Sqawk sqawk.”
Joe brushes it off and lights it up. As the flight goes on the parrot continues to chide Joe over his smoking until he finally gets fed up and says, “Mam would you shut your parrot up!?”
The lady replies, “Well, I don’t particularly like your smoking either. But I have been thinking of getting rid of him for a while. So how about this? You throw your cigar out the window and I’ll throw my parrot out the window.”
Joe agrees to this and they throw their respective things out the window. A little while later as the plane is readying to land, they hear a tapping noise on the window. Looking out they’re shocked to see the parrot… with the blue brick!
 
A husband asks his wife: “Why don’t we try different positions tonight?”

She replies: “That’s a good idea… You stand by the kitchen sink and do the washing up… I’ll lie on the sofa and watch the football.”
 
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Damn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic £20 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Only when he’s been drinking.”
 
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

EPITAPH (In a cemetery in England)

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent,
Until I know which way you went!!!

Sister Mary does home healthcare for all the shut-ins of her parish. As a consequence she keeps a bed pan in her car. One day while Sister Mary was out visiting everyone she ran out of gas. She was only about ten feet from the gas station. So Sister Mary grabbed her bed pan and put and put a little gas in it. As sister Mary was filling her tank two Baptist ladies came around the corner. Upon seeing sister Mary filling her tank with the bed pan one turns to the other and says "If it starts I’m turning Catholic

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point …

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in Paradise. Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!

Three nuns were attending an AFL final…
Three men were sitting directly behind…
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area…
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Brisbane… There are only 100 nuns living there…”
then the second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Tasmania… There are only 50 nuns living there…”
the third guy said, “I want to go to New Zealand… There are only 25 nuns living there…”
one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,
“why don’t you go to HELL … There aren’t any nuns there!”
 
THE GOOD HUSBAND

Adam wakes up with a huge hangover after attending the Staff Christmas Party.
Adam is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.
He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Adam had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Adam sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Vicki”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, Steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Adam asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed “Leave me alone, I’m Married!!”
Broken Coffee Table $239.99.
Hot Breakfast $4.20.
Two Aspirins $.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time,

PRICELESS!!!

The ninety-eight year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying, so
the nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused.
Finally, one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened the bottle, and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank
a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
‘Mother Superior,’ the nuns asked with earnest, ‘please give us some wisdom before you die.’
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face, said,
‘Don’t sell that cow!’
 
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students handed them back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS

Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer - the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Wednesday the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put me in My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
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The school inspector is introduced to the class by the teacher. She says to the class:“Let’s show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question”. The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a Bible question.

He asks :“Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?”

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, Stephen raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him. The boy replies : “Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you that it wasn’t me.”

Of course the inspector is shocked at the answer and looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realising that he is perturbed,the teacher says:

“Well, I’ve known Stephen since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn’t do it, then he didn’t do it.”

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal’s office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies : “I don’t know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent”.

The inspector can’t believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal’s desk and in a rage dials the Minister for Education’s telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks him what he thinks of the education standard in the school. The Minister sighs heavily and replies :

“I don’t know the boy, the teacher nor the principal, but just get three quotes for the work and get the wall fixed!!”
 
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their home. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Brazil. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Lancashire lass. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot food on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
 
Saw this one on social media…

1944: 18 year olds stormed enemy beaches, parachuted behind enemy lines, and charged into German gun fire…

2018: 18 year old liberals need safe spaces, blankies, coloring books, crayons, gun free zones, and counseling for “PTSD” caused by opposing views and offensive words.
 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honour” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
 
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