Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A man tells his rabbi he believes his wife is poisoning him.

The rabbi says he will talk to the wife, and call him at work the next day concerning a course of action.

The next day, the man answers the phone at his job.

“Well, Rabbi, what should I do?” he asks.

“Take the poison!”
 
There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp.

He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless.

While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt.

POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, “All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!”

The surprised man said, “OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.”

The genie replied with a smirk, “Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I’m sorry, it just can’t happen.”

The man said, “Fine then, I want to understand women.”

The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four? "
 
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you doing there, Johnny?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbour was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your darned cat!”
 
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower, the preacher called the little boy over, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin’ on that string. It’ll come back to ya’!!! "
 
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said , “Look friend, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
 
An elderly couple walk hand in hand into a fast food restaurant one cold winter evening.

They look out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers look admiringly at them.

“There’s a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!” one of the on-lookers comments to his friends.

Meanwhile the little old man walks up to the cash register, places his order with no hesitation and pays for their meal.

The couple take a table near the back wall and start taking food off of the tray.

There is one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counts out the French fries, divides them in two piles and neatly places one pile in front of his wife.

He then takes a sip of the drink and his wife does likewise, setting the cup down between them.

As the man begins to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd of youngsters begin to feel sorry for the couple. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them,” one of them remarks.

Finally, as the man tucks into his pile of French fries, one young man from the group approaches the old couples’ table and politely offers to buy them another meal.

“We’re just fine,” replies the old man. “We’re used to sharing everything.”

Satisfied, the young man returns to his table but when one of his friends remarks , “But look, the old lady hasn’t even taken a bite. She’s just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.”

So once more the young man goes over and this time he begs them to let him buy them something to eat.

“No, we’re fine, honestly. We’re used to sharing everything,” says the old lady as the little old man finishes eating and she wipes his face neatly with a napkin.

The young man can stand it no longer and after being politely refused again he finally plucks up the courage to confront the old lady.

“Excuse me madam, but why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything, but you haven’t touched any of your food? What is it that you are waiting for?”

She answered…“The teeth.”
 
Once upon a time , there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them but they had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'She’ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice, and soon after they got married.

On his birthday , a few months later , on the way home from work his car broke down, and , since they lived in the country , he phoned his wife to say that he would be a few hours late because he would have to walk home. On the way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to go, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered. By the time he left, he’d had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home, he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seem excited. “Darling, I’ve got the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She then put a blindfold on him and led him into the dining room to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one brewing. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the telephone.
Whilst she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg, ‘parrrp’, and let one go. Not only was it loud, it was ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air around him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and, ‘rrriipppp!’ It sounded like a lumpy diesel engine turning over on a cold morning, and smelled even worse. To refrain from gagging, he tried waving his arms around a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt the urge coming back once again.
He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner: the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned into the conversation in the hallway , and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them about with his napkin.

When he heard the telephone farewells, (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and placed his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was a picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked him if he had been peeking at the dinner. After assuring her that he hadn’t, she removed the blindfold and yelled “SURPRISE!!!”

But to his surprise and horror , there were the twelve dinner guests seated around the dinner table for his surprise birthday party.
 
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you” the lawyer said.

“But sir. I have a wife and two children with me.They are over there, under that tree”.

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”
 
A couple from London decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left London and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and as there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile…somewhere in Manchester, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a clergyman of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages of condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen and the open email which read:
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To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 27 Feb 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me, but they have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow! Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS Sure is hot down here!!
 
A first grade teacher handed out a coloring page to her students – on it was a picture of a frog holding an umbrella.

“When the class handed them in, one little boy had colored the frog bright purple. The teacher scolded him, asking, “How often have you seen a purple frog?”

“The little boy answered, “The same number of times I’ve seen a frog holding an umbrella.”
 

Texas justice​

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.”

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “OK, you old coot! now, it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “No I give up, you can have the duck.
 
May I ask where you get all these jokes from? Especially the Catholic ones.
 
Q: How did CA end up with all the lawyers, and NJ with all the toxic waste?

A: NJ had first pick!!!
 
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the assistant . He can see from her badge that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £10,000 loan to take a holiday”

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure, I have this”, and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright, pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral”.

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?!”

The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Pattie Whack, give the frog a loan - his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Click to expand...
 
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