Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A man is at work and he starts messing around with some dangerous machines.

By accident he chops his hand off.

So his friend says, “Come on, we’ve got to get you to the hospital.” So he puts the hand in a plastic bag and off they go.

Next day this guy is back in to work and his mate says, “What happened? I thought you’d lost your hand?” and he says, “No, it’s ths new micro-surgery. It’s great. It’s as good as new.”

So he starts messing around by the machines again and this time he cuts his arm off.

His mate says, “Come on, let’s get you down to the hospital.” and he gets his arm and puts it in a plastic bag and off they go.

Next day, back into work again and he says “This micro surgery is absolutely brilliant.”

He starts messing around by the machines again but this time his whole head comes off.

His friends puts the head in a plastic bag and takes him down to the hospital again.

Next day he doesn’t show up.

His mate wonders what happened.

The boss says “Oh, didn’t you hear? He died.”

His mate says, “What about this new micro surgery? Couldn’t they do it this time?”

The boss says “Oh yeah, they could have done the op but he’d already suffocated from being in the plastic bag.”
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Yorkshire . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general … and all in the name of humour!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells, “You stay out of this mister! I’m talking to that little brat on your knee!”
 
A husband asks his wife: “Why don’t we try different positions tonight?”

She replies: “That’s a good idea… You stand by the kitchen sink and do the washing up… I’ll lie on the sofa and watch the football.”
 
The school inspector is introduced to the class by the teacher. She says to the class:“Let’s show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question”. The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a Bible
question.

He asks :“Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?”

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, Stephen raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him. The boy replies : “Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you that it wasn’t me.”

Of course the inspector is shocked at the answer and looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realising that he is perturbed,the teacher says:

“Well, I’ve known Stephen since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn’t do it, then he didn’t do it.”

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal’s office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies : “I don’t know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent”.

The inspector can’t believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal’s desk and in a rage dials the Minister for Education’s telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks him what he thinks of the education standard in the school. The Minister sighs heavily and replies :

“I don’t know the boy, the teacher nor the principal, but just get three quotes for the work and get the wall fixed!!”
 
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic £20 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.” The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?"

"Only when he’s been drinking."
 
I was a little surprised when my son suddenly announced one day after church, “I am thinking of being a priest when I grow up.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Well, I figure I have to go to Mass on Sundays anyway, and I think it’ll be more fun to stand and yell than to just sit and listen.”
 
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their home. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Brazil. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Lancashire lass. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot food on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honour” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
 
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No,” he says. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married ."

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
 
A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any blasted bread .”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, are you deaf, we haven’t got any darned bread, ask me again and I’ll nail your stupid beak to the bar you irritating bird!”

Duck says: “Got any nails?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: "Got any bread?
 
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the living room watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman hiding somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere.Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack .
and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer. We’d both still be
alive.
 
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, “Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I’d like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress’?”

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss!”

And the Lord said, “You’ve done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?”

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”
 
Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, “Linda honey, we’ve got to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.”

“No way, sweetheart, he’s dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been having these encounters for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”

“True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth!”
 
A Liverpudlian was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.‘Who’s he?’ said the Liverpudlian. ‘That’s the Memory Man.’ said the bartender. ‘He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.’ So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks ‘Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?’. ‘Liverpool’ replies the Memory Man. ‘Who did they beat?’ ‘Leeds’ was the reply. ‘And the score?’ ‘2-1’ ‘Who scored the winning goal?’ ‘Ian St. John’ was the old man’s reply. The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the Liverpudlian decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting ‘How’. The Memory man replied…‘Diving header in the six yard box’.
 
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm, with a nice pond in the back 40 acres.

It was fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn’t been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

Upon nearing the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made some noise so the women would be aware of his presence.

When they heard the farmer, all the young ladies retreated to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned. “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
 
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?!!” he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my Porridge?!!” he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells…
"How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the table, it was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag yourselves out of bed , and grace Mummy Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence . Listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time…

“I HAVEN’T MADE THE DARNED PORRIDGE YET!!”
 
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):

‘In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.’

‘Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.’

‘Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.’

‘Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.’

‘Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.’

‘The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.’

‘Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.’

‘Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.’

‘Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.’

‘The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.’

‘The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.’

‘The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.’

‘Moses died before he ever reached Canada.’

‘Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.’

‘The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.’

‘David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.’

‘Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.’

‘When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.’

‘When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.’

‘Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.’

‘St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.’

‘Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.’

‘He also explained, “A man doth not live by sweat alone.”’

‘It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.’

‘The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.’

‘The epistles were the wives of the apostles.’

‘One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.’

‘St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.’

‘A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.’
 
Three elderly ladies were commiserating about their respective bodily conditions.

“I can hardly see,” the first said.
" I can hardly hear, " said the second.
“I can barely move my neck,” chimed in the third.

The first then added, “But at least we can all still drive!”
 
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “Darling,” he says. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her
speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently. Up to 60. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph. “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.

“Oh, really?” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles… “The airbag.”
 
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