Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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One morning three women are playing bowls on the green, when suddenly, a guy runs passed wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes the first woman, she looks at him and says, “Well he’s certainly not my husband”.

As he passes the second woman, she also looks at him and says, " He’s not mine either."

He then passes the third woman, who also looks at him very carefully.

" Wait a minute," she says, " He’s not even a member of the bowling club."
 
I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone.

During my physical, the doctor asked softly, “Can you read the letters on the wall?”

“What letters?” I answered slyly.

“Good,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”
 
Three ladies were all applying for the last available position on the Yorkshire Police Force.

The officer conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So you all want to be detectives ?”

The ladies all nodded.

The officer got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said , “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first lady and withdrew it after about two seconds.

" Now," he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The lady immediately said, “Yes, I did, he has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first lady hung her head and walked out of the office.

The officer then turned to the second lady , stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The officer put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”

The second lady sheepishly walked out of the office.

The officer turned his attention to the third and last lady and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but…”

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The lady said, "I certainly did. This man wears contact lenses. "

The officer frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the lady with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His file says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The lady rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
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A little girl asked her Mother, “How did the human race appear Mum?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and those children grew and had children and eventually so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her Father the same question.

The Father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys and apes from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her Mother and said, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God making Adam and Eve, and Dad said we developed from monkeys and apes?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
 
As the storm raged the, captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, l know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we’re one short.”
 
A woman drove through a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police ."
 
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years.

Clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”

The elderly lady hung her head, “I have to tell you the truth,” she said, “his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old oaf what his name is.”
 
Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There’s a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating.”
 
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
 
On a train from London to Manchester , an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

" You English are too stuffy . You set yourselves apart too much . You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. "

" Look at me…I’m ME. I have Italian blood , French blood , a little Indian blood , and some Swedish blood . What do you say to that? "

The Englishman replied , "Awfully sporting of your mother , old chap! "
 
A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They
should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite
Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will
be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. And one last point:No Jews Please.”

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered , “There must be some mistake.”

“No, Madam,” said the first officer. “Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”
 
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Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune.He had trained his parrot , after months of hard work to tell jokes.

At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work , so he took the parrot down to his local pub.

“This is my incredible joke telling parrot,” boasted Fred.

" Go on,"jeered the pub regulars.“We’ll give you ten to one that your parrot can’t tell us a joke.”

"All right,"replied Fred.“I accept your bet.”

But try as he could,Fred was unable to make the parrot talk , let alone tell jokes.

Fred left the pub, dismally, having lost the bet.

On the way home he shook the parrot and shouted:“What do you mean by keeping quiet you stupid bird? You made me lose a ten to one bet!”

"Ah!"squawked the parrot.“Tomorrow you’ll be able to get fifty to one.”
 
An old man walks into the barber’s shop for a shave and a haircut .

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.
 
Little Tommy had just returned home after an outing with his father.

‘Well , dear , how did you like the zoo?’ asked Tommy’s mother.

'Oh , it was great!'replied little Tommy .

‘And Dad liked it too . Especially when one of the animals came racing home at thirty to one.’
 
Three guys were at the casino when one of them suddenly fell down dead.

His two friends drew lots to determine who would give his wife the bad news.

The younger of the two rang the doorbell and, when asked about her husband, said that he had just lost $2000 at the roulette wheel.

“Really!” the wife shrieked; " Tell him to drop dead!"
 
On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. “Start preparing for landing when you’re at 300 feet.”

One student asked, “How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?”

“A good question. At 300 feet, you’ll start to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

She thought about this for a moment before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know”?
 
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had eggs.”

(I’m sure you’re going back to read this again!)
 
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshire man:“Eh up , lad . I need to talk to thee about me cat.”

Vet:“Is it a tom?”

Yorkshire man: “Nay, I’ve browt it wi’ us.”
 
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