Jokes/Puns you would like to share

  • Thread starter Thread starter upant
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”
 
A guy got stopped for speeding on the highway.

Driver: Everyone is speeding. Hundreds of people speed on this highway. Why are you stopping me?

Patrol officer: Ever been fishing?

Driver: Yes, of course.

Patrol officer: Did you catch 'em all?
 
An elderly couple are sitting in church when the husband passes gas. He leans over to his wife and says, “I just passed one of those silent but deadly ones and I don’t know what to do.” His wife replied, “You should get your hearing checked.”
 
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest.

So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?”

Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.

“Once a week?”

A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

“Once a month?”

A few hands tepidly go up.

Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.

The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory.

“If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
 
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
 
A group of old coots spent their sunset years on the golf course.

They enjoyed golfing together, and had a pact with each other that the first of them to “cross over” would let the others know if there was golf in the next life.

Then one of them did pass on. Weeks later, he appears in the 19th hole.

“I have good news, and bad news,” he said.

" The good news is, there is golf on the other side.
" The bad news is, Bob here has 11:30 tee time on Saturday. "
 
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.

Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
 
Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner.

First hard of hearing dude says, “Brrrrr, it’s windy!”

Second one says, “No…it’s Thursday.”

Third one says, “Me too, let’s go get a drink.”
 
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better if I put all three shots in one glass?”

The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: “Did something happen to one of your brothers?”

“Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”
 
A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?”

A gentleman says, ”I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

“Very good!” says the group leader.

One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

“That’s wonderful!” the group leader comments.

One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.”

The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

“Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!”
 
A man is talking to God.

“God, how long is a million years?”

God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”

“God, how much is a million dollars?”

“To me, it’s a penny.”

“God, may I have a penny?”

“Wait a minute.”
 
During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement.”

Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face.

The minister repeated his point louder. “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!”

The man nodded and smiled even more.

This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!”

Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile.

Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, “I said each member of this church is going to die!”

The man grinned from ear to ear.

After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. “I don’t get it,” the preacher said in frustration. “Whenever I said, ‘Each member of this church is going to die,’ your smile got bigger. Why?”

“I’m not a member of this church,” the man replied.
 
A priest and a taxi driver went to heaven .

St Peter gave the priest fifty bags of gold and a nice house .

The taxi driver was given the same , but also a boat , a lake and a box of diamonds .

The priest asked St Peter , " Hey . I was a priest . How come I don’t get the same as the taxi driver ? "

St Peter said , " We go by results . During your sermons people fell asleep . During his taxi rides people prayed . "
 
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, " I’m so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead.”

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£150!” she cried. “£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!”

The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would only have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan… what did you expect?”
 
It’s dinner time in a Catholic school .

A nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.”

Further down the line is a pile of chocolate biscuits .

A little boy makes his own note… “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
 
Two blokes are walking through a safari park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.

The lion starts chasing the two men.

They run as fast as they can and one of the blokes starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.

Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: " For what we are about to receive…"
Click to expand...
 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and now he wants to enrol on RCIA ”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
 
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on some business .

They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is).

As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close.

The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down.

When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out.

The father leans over and whispers to the son, “Quick , son, go get your mother!”
 
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk, saying: “Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it,” Tom responded.

“Well, good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?”

“They said, ‘Good morning, General.’”
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top