Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A student at the Police Academy was being interviewed prior to graduation.

“What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” the examiner asked.

The candidate answered: “I’d call for backup!”
 
After dying in a car crash, three friends are interrogated by their guardian angels on their journey to the Pearly Gates .

They are all asked the same question, “Now that your corpse is lying in its coffin , and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first man immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”

The second man says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.”

The last man thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I suppose I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”
 
If at first you don’t succeed then parachute jumping isn’t for you.
 
David received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an obscenity.

Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.

He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”
 
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”

The owner says, “How about a cat?”

The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”

The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede.

20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!

He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner shop 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
 
A man walks into a pub and asks the publican , “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”

The publican considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play jazz .

After the man finished his drink, he asked the publican , “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”

The publican agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play jazz .

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

While the man is enjoying his beers , a stranger confronts him and offers him £1000 for the frog.

“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”

The stranger increases the offer to £2000 cash up front. "

No," he insists, “he’s not for sale.”

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £5000 cash.

The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the publican asked . “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £5000!”

“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.

“The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
 
A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheeling and dealing they settled for £1,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger.

“Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“Hmmm…” thought the duck’s former owner.

“Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
 
The little old lady stood at the rail of the cruise-ship in a stiff breeze. The wind whipped at her skirts.

A young man approached her saying, “Ma’am, the wind is lifting your dress.”

She said, “I know, but I need to hold on to the rail and my hat.”

He persisted: “But the others can see your, ah, lower body!”

The woman answered: “Kiddo, anything you see down there is eighty-five years old, but I just bought this hat today!!!”
 
I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change.

“Here you go,” said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. “Have a great day!”

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am. We can’t accept anything larger than a fifty,” he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

“But you just accepted that last girl’s hundred,” I reasoned.

“I had to,” he said. “It had her phone number on it.”
 
My mom’s real religious, dude.

She’s all, ‘You gotta find Jesus.’

I’m like, ‘I know where Jesus is. He’s in jail.’

'Cause when all my friends come out, they’re like, ‘Hey, I found Jesus.’
 
A man walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“Well , you see , I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
 
A Pentecostal Christian couple felt it important to own a Pentecostal Christian pet.

So, they went shopping for a Pentecostal Christian dog.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.

When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over.

They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.

This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.

Well, they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,”Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head in prayer.
 
"I found Jesus.

He was in my trunk when I came back from Tijuana."

—Bumper sticker
 
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.”
 
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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman watch their dead friend pass by.

“Oh, and I owed him £100,” says the Irishman, putting the money on top of the coffin.

“So did I,” says the Englishman, doing the same.

“Me too,” says the Scotsman, writing out a cheque for £300 and taking the change .
 
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening.

But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and £95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched.

Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years.

“But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
 
"Marriage is a three-ring circus.

There’s the engagement ring, then there’s the wedding ring, and then there’s the suffering."

– UNKNOWN
 
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