Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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McDonald was at the race track and after seeing the priest sprinkle Holy Water on the head of a 3 year old, he ran to the betting window to put money on the 3 year old to win.

The 3 year old won.

Next race, he sees the same priest sprinkle Holy Water on the head of a Mare, so he rushes to bet on that Mare. The Mare wins.

In the third race, he sees a priest sprinkle a horse with Holy Water but all over the horses body–head, hoofs, tail. He races to the window and places his life savings on that horse to win.

The Horse drops dead out of the gate.

McDonald approaches the priest in the paddock and asks what happened. The priest replies to McDonald, “McDonald, you need to learn the difference between a blessing and the giving of the last rites.”
 
Reminds me of the old Cordic and Company morning radio program’s research labs motto:
“Progress is our most important advancement”.
 
An author, a lawyer and an engineer were having drinks together and talking about whether there was more satisfaction in a wife or a mistress.

The author said, “Oh, definitely the mistress. The mystery, the excitement, the chance and the intrigue. There’s nothing better.”

The lawyer said, “Oh, no, no, nooooo. I’ve seen more pain and heartache that I can shake a stick at from mistresses. Stick with the wife. You’ll never be sorry.”

The engineer said, “I like them both equally. My wife will think I’m with my mistress and my mistress will think I’m with my wife and I can stay at the office and get some work done.”
 
Another engineer joke. My hubby is an engineer.

An engineer was showing his engineer friend his new very hot bicycle.

“Wow, where did you get that?” the friend asked.

He answered, “You’ll never believe this but I was just walking down the street and this beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She got off the bike, smiled, took off all her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted. So I took her bike.”

The friend replied, “Good choice. I’m sure her clothes wouldn’t have fit you.”
 
I was hanging out with a french guy. We were walking down the street, when all of sudden, a car drove by and it had a giant S painted on the side of it. The french guy said “Hey, look at that S car go!”. 😁
 
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
 
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
 
By the time John drove into the little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded to the last hotel manager, “Or just a bed–I don’t really care where. I’m completely exhausted”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I’m not sure it would be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired traveller assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

“Never better.” John said.

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“No. I shut him up in no time.”

“How did you manage that?”

“He was already in bed, snoring away when I came into the room,” John said.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Good night, beautiful’ .

" And he sat up all night watching me."
 
A man was travelling up from London to Scotland .

He needed to use the toilet and so at the next service station he goes into the Gents .

He sits down and was surprised to hear someone in the next cubicle say, “So how are you ?”

The man gulps and thinks about what he should say and then decides to answer.

So he clears his throat and says, “uh…I’m fine.”

Then the stranger in the next cubicle says, “So where are you going ?”

Again the man, a little nervous answers, "Uh…I’m going up to Scotland "

Then the stranger asked, “So what have you been up to?”

Again the man answers, “Not much, I’m actually on a business trip.”

The man sat there waiting for another question .

Then he heard the stranger in the next cubicle impatiently say, "Look, I’m going to have to call you back, some idiot in the next cubicle thinks I’m talking to him.
 
Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer.

All of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the living daylights out of them.

They drop their guns and run like blazes .

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes.

His mate looked at him and said, “What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can’t outrun the bear!”

The hunter replied , “I know, all I have to do is outrun you!”
 
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