S
Sundiver
Guest
I saw a bumper sticker and it said, “Remember, Jesus loves you, but, I’m his favorite.”
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U
upant
Guest
you saw my carI saw a bumper sticker and it said, “Remember, Jesus loves you, but, I’m his favorite.”
LOL
S
Sundiver
Guest
That there’s a funny bumpa stika…
G
GEddie
Guest
“Honk if you love peace and quiet”
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
"They say, " Hi, we’re single , footloose and fancy-free , free as a bird . Do you want to have some fun? " "
"That sounds none too virtuous , " the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "
" I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible. "
" Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Jacob. "
" My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that stuff in no time."
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying so fervently .
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we’re single , footloose and fancy-free , free as a bird . Do you want to have some fun? "
There was stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
"They say, " Hi, we’re single , footloose and fancy-free , free as a bird . Do you want to have some fun? " "
"That sounds none too virtuous , " the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "
" I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible. "
" Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Jacob. "
" My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that stuff in no time."
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying so fervently .
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we’re single , footloose and fancy-free , free as a bird . Do you want to have some fun? "
There was stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
U
upant
Guest
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.
A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.
There were two evil brothers.
They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye.
They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired.
Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new church .
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
“I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”
The pastor gave his word, and deposited the cheque .
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.
“He was an evil man,” he said.
"He cheated on his wife and abused his family.
" After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, “But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”
One morning a woman and her baby were catching a bus.
As she entered the bus the driver says “Wow that is one ugly baby.”
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asks “What’s wrong you look mad?”
She replied “I am. That bus driver just insulted me.”
“You shouldn’t take that from him.” the man replied. “He’s a public servant and should show you respect. If I were you I would take down his badge number and report him.”
“You’re right sir . I think I will report him.”
The elderly man says, “You go on up there and get his badge number. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
As she entered the bus the driver says “Wow that is one ugly baby.”
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asks “What’s wrong you look mad?”
She replied “I am. That bus driver just insulted me.”
“You shouldn’t take that from him.” the man replied. “He’s a public servant and should show you respect. If I were you I would take down his badge number and report him.”
“You’re right sir . I think I will report him.”
The elderly man says, “You go on up there and get his badge number. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A young lady stops by her grandmother’s house on the way to a dance.
She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother.
As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table.
He begins munching on them as they converse.
After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.
“Oh, your welcome young man,” she says. “I appreciate you finishing them up.”
" Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."
She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother.
As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table.
He begins munching on them as they converse.
After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.
“Oh, your welcome young man,” she says. “I appreciate you finishing them up.”
" Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."
D
DarkLight
Guest
After Mass, young boy came up and gave a dollar to the priest. The priest gently told him that he should give his dollar to the poor. The boy replied “That’s what my dad said. He said you’re the poorest preacher we’ve ever had!”
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - ‘Take a clean dish and…’”
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - ‘Take a clean dish and…’”
G
GEddie
Guest
A London stage producer, no admirer of Winston Churchill, all the same felt compelled to invite him to his new show.
He wrote to.him: “Enclosed are two tickets to opening night; bring a friend, if you have one.”
Churchill responded: “My duties prevent me making it to opening night; but I will be at the second performance, if there is one.”
He wrote to.him: “Enclosed are two tickets to opening night; bring a friend, if you have one.”
Churchill responded: “My duties prevent me making it to opening night; but I will be at the second performance, if there is one.”
After driving for about six hours, a lorry driver decides to stop and sleep for a little while.
As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.
“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.
“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the lorry driver .
He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.
“It’s 4:40!” yells the lorry driver.
Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME.
He sticks the paper in his windscreen .
But he is awoken again.
'It’s 5:25," says another jogger.
As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.
“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.
“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the lorry driver .
He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.
“It’s 4:40!” yells the lorry driver.
Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME.
He sticks the paper in his windscreen .
But he is awoken again.
'It’s 5:25," says another jogger.
M
Milt
Guest
Q:What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards ?
A:A receding hare line!
A:A receding hare line!
G
GEddie
Guest
A lady told Winston Churchill: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would put strychnine in your tea.”
Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”
Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”
Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?” He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.” St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”
The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.” St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”
The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!” St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?” He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.” St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”
The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.” St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”
The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!” St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It`s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.
Peter`s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don`t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That`s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren`t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It`s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.
Peter`s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don`t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That`s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren`t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”
Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”
St. Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”
Next a group of mice appeared.
St. Peter: “Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”
The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”
St. Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”
Next day, St. Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.
“Well, Cat…did you enjoy the satin pillow?”
Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that “Meals-on-Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”
R
RuthAnne
Guest
A man got lost in the Yosemite National Forest and wandered for three weeks, finally being found alive. When they asked him how he survived, he said that he had water and was able to kill and eat a California Condor. When Wildlife Services got wind of this, they were infuriated and pressed charges against the man for killing a protected bird.
The case went to trial and in the end, the jury showed mercy upon the man as he was only doing it to save his life. He was absolved of all charges against him and released.
After the trial, the press surrounded the man on the courthouse steps. One of the reporters asked him what a California Condor even tasted like. The man replied, “Oh, I don’t know . . . kind of a mix between a Spotted Owl and a Bald Eagle.”
The case went to trial and in the end, the jury showed mercy upon the man as he was only doing it to save his life. He was absolved of all charges against him and released.
After the trial, the press surrounded the man on the courthouse steps. One of the reporters asked him what a California Condor even tasted like. The man replied, “Oh, I don’t know . . . kind of a mix between a Spotted Owl and a Bald Eagle.”
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