Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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Two small boys met each other on the playground.

“My name is Bobby. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Danny,” replied the second, “My daddy’s a mechanic. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Bobby.

Danny replied, “My daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Bobby.

“No, just the regular kind,” said Danny.
 
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye , Scotland , went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and
won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
 
Three men were sitting in a spa talking about their businesses. During the conversation, a phone goes off and one of the men puts his palm up to his ear and starts talking. One of the other men looks at him, shocked. “You have a phone in your hand?” “Yeah, I had it implanted into my palm. It’s great!”

A few minutes later, they are talking about their respective profits and the other guy starts poking the palm of his hand. The same, befuddled gentlemen asks, “What are you doing?” “Oh, I’m just calculating my profits. I had a calculator implanted into my palm of my hand. It’s great!”

Not wanting to be outdone, he excuses himself from the hot tub, returning a few minutes later with a short length of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The other two men looked at him puzzled and asked what was up with that. “Oh, pardon me,” he says. “It looks like I’m getting a fax.”
 
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After noticing how trim my husband had become , a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet .

It was then that I shared my dark secret .

" I put our teenager son’s shorts in his underwear drawer . "
 
That reminds me of one:

A woman says to her husband, “You know next week is my birthday and I expect something especially nice. I’m thinking of silver or white and it will go from zero to 180 in less than 6 seconds.”

So he bought her a bathroom scale.
 
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter’s there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?”

The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies: “That would have been the Titanic, right?”. St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the garbage man, and decides to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

The garbage man, having recently seen the movie, says, “1228.”

“That happens to be right;” says St. Peter, “go ahead.”

St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, “Name them.”
 
Four college students spent the weekend partying instead of studying for the big mid-term calculus exam. When Monday came and none of them were nearly ready to take the exam, one of the students suggested that they should appeal to the professor’s sense of compassion which would allow them another day to study. They decided that to make up a story that they went off for the weekend together to study for the exam but got a flat tire on the way back and it caused them to miss the exam.

The plan worked. The professor told them that they would be allowed to make up the exam and to come in at 3:00 PM the next day. They were relieved and all studied hard that night.

When they arrived the next day, the professor split them up into four different rooms. Then the test was handed out which only had one question on it.

“Which tire?”
 
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’…perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.

“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh I was thinkin’…perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh I was thinkin’…perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg.”

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

“Well, noo,” he said, “My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”

“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus said, “Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”
 
Adam bit the apple and , feeling great shame , covered himself with a fig leaf .

Eve too felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf .

Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf , a sycamore , and an oak .
 
Mr 6 in the car today

Mum mum mum im so clever just like Jesus
(Me) really why
(Mr 6) I can change water into something that rhymes with wine
(Me ) that sounds so clever what does rhyme with wine
(Mr 6) urine mum I need to go toilet
 
People are still willing to do an honest day’s work; the trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.
 
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses… drinks right out of the bottle.
 
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed.

When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
 
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them.

From around the curve, they hear screeching tyres—then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
 
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