G
GEddie
Guest
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
YOGI BERRA
YOGI BERRA
- Status
A man spots a sign outside of a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”
Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog.
“I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in WW2 . And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The man is flabbergasted.
He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog.
“I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in WW2 . And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The man is flabbergasted.
He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
An elderly Yorkshireman lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Bakewell tarts wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Bakewell tarts .
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great , final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the tart was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a tart at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife…
" Off with ya , " she said . " They’re for after the funeral . "
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Bakewell tarts wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Bakewell tarts .
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great , final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the tart was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a tart at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife…
" Off with ya , " she said . " They’re for after the funeral . "
There was a competition to swim the English Channel doing only the breaststroke.
Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, " I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms . "
Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, " I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms . "
Four Catholic ladies are having tea together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, " My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father . "
The second Catholic woman chirps, " Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, " My lord . "
The third Catholic woman says smugly, " Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her tea in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well…? "
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6 foot tall , hunky , alluring , male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, " Oh My God. "
The first one tells her friends, " My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father . "
The second Catholic woman chirps, " Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, " My lord . "
The third Catholic woman says smugly, " Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her tea in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well…? "
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6 foot tall , hunky , alluring , male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, " Oh My God. "
A married couple were asleep in bed when at 2 am the phone rang.
The wife picked it up, listened for a moment before saying , "How should I know? It’s 200 miles from here " , and then hung up.
The husband said , " Who was that? "
The wife replied , " I don’t know . Some silly woman asking if the coast was clear . "
The wife picked it up, listened for a moment before saying , "How should I know? It’s 200 miles from here " , and then hung up.
The husband said , " Who was that? "
The wife replied , " I don’t know . Some silly woman asking if the coast was clear . "
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of a pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
.
‘Fishing,’ replied the old man.
‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman . So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth.’
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
.
‘Fishing,’ replied the old man.
‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman . So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth.’
M
Milt
Guest
M
Milt
Guest
How is a judge like an English teacher?
They both hand out long sentences.
Late one
night, a burglar broke into a
house he thought was empty. He tiptoed
through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say,
“Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar
crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the
voice boomed
again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird
cage and in
the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you
who said
Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes,” said the parrot.
The burglar
breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s
your
name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,”
sneered the burglar. “What idiot
named you Clarence?”
The parrot said,
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiller
Jesus.”
They both hand out long sentences.
Late one
night, a burglar broke into a
house he thought was empty. He tiptoed
through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say,
“Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar
crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the
voice boomed
again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird
cage and in
the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you
who said
Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes,” said the parrot.
The burglar
breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s
your
name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,”
sneered the burglar. “What idiot
named you Clarence?”
The parrot said,
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiller
Jesus.”
It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked ‘Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?’ The meteorologist responded, ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.’ So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ The meteorologist again replied, ‘Yes, it’s going to be a very cold winter.’ The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’ he asked. ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the elder asked. The weatherman replied, ‘Our satellites have reported that the Aborigines in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that’s always a sure sign.’
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked ‘Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?’ The meteorologist responded, ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.’ So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ The meteorologist again replied, ‘Yes, it’s going to be a very cold winter.’ The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’ he asked. ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the elder asked. The weatherman replied, ‘Our satellites have reported that the Aborigines in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that’s always a sure sign.’
VINCENT VAN GOGH’S FAMILY TREE…
His dizzy aunt ------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------ Gotta Gogh
… The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ------------ Where-Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother -----Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -----Wells-Far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------ Can’t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle --------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------Go Gogh
His dizzy aunt ------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------ Gotta Gogh
… The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ------------ Where-Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother -----Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -----Wells-Far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------ Can’t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle --------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------Go Gogh
D
DarkLight
Guest
Police were called to a residence after reports of a man yelling out “Die! Why won’t you die! Just die already!” and a toddler shrieking. They didn’t hear anything from the woman who lived there. Upon arrival, the police found that the wife was out and the man with a rolled up newspaper in his hand. He sheepishly explained that he had been chasing after a spider and apologized for wasting police time.
C
catholicray
Guest
So it’s not pro Catholic per se, but I hope you can appreciate this joke.
So a Baptist moves into a neighborhood full of Catholics and during lent his neighbors found him cooking steak. So after some time and discussion on the matter they convince him to convert.
He goes to the local Priest and he sprinkles him with Holy water saying, “You were a Baptist and now you’re a Catholic”.
A year goes by and lent is in full swing when they find the man grilling steak again. So his neighbors ask him what’s going and the man sprinkles the steak with Holy water and says, “You were a steak and now you’re a fish.”
So a Baptist moves into a neighborhood full of Catholics and during lent his neighbors found him cooking steak. So after some time and discussion on the matter they convince him to convert.
He goes to the local Priest and he sprinkles him with Holy water saying, “You were a Baptist and now you’re a Catholic”.
A year goes by and lent is in full swing when they find the man grilling steak again. So his neighbors ask him what’s going and the man sprinkles the steak with Holy water and says, “You were a steak and now you’re a fish.”
For those of you who, like me, do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists, I thought you may be interested in a little social experiment I am conducting.
I am trying to make new friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I take a walk in the nearby small town and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, our dogs, ‘selfies’ of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and generally doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook.
I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
I am trying to make new friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I take a walk in the nearby small town and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, our dogs, ‘selfies’ of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and generally doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook.
I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
U
upant
Guest
Two city slickers went to a dude ranch while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if the wife wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He explained one had a horn and one didn’t.
“The one without the horn is fine,” she replied. “I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.”
He explained one had a horn and one didn’t.
“The one without the horn is fine,” she replied. “I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.”
A Dumb Blonde Joke
A Yorkshireman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Yorkshireman said, ‘Corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches! If I get corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.’
The next day, the Yorkshireman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Yorkshireman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches, I never would have given it to him again!’
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, 'Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch.’
A Yorkshireman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Yorkshireman said, ‘Corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches! If I get corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.’
The next day, the Yorkshireman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Yorkshireman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches, I never would have given it to him again!’
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, 'Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch.’
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had returned to their old neighbourhood . Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds !
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.”
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. "
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The constables turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had returned to their old neighbourhood . Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds !
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.”
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. "
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The constables turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
It was Christmas day and everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Billy received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Billy, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Billy explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
When little Billy received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Billy, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Billy explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
- Status