G
GEddie
Guest
What is the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
Once you are dead, a tick will let go.
Once you are dead, a tick will let go.
- Status
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as “squawks,” submitted by RAF pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
G
GEddie
Guest
Some years ago, an American Airlines captain was being chewed out by the tower for using the wrong taxiway when landing in Berlin.
“American One Two Heavy, have you never flown to Berlin before??!!!” the voice in the tower screeched.
" Berlin Tower, affirmative, " the American captain said smooth!y; “in 1944; but I never landed.”
“American One Two Heavy, have you never flown to Berlin before??!!!” the voice in the tower screeched.
" Berlin Tower, affirmative, " the American captain said smooth!y; “in 1944; but I never landed.”
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a French naval ship with British authorities off the coast of England in October, 1995.
French: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
British: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
French: This is the Captain of a French Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
British: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
French: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOCH, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE FRENCH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
British: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
French: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
British: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
French: This is the Captain of a French Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
British: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
French: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOCH, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE FRENCH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
British: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
G
GEddie
Guest
A Lufthansa captain, spooling up his engines in Frankfurt, called the control tower, speaking German.
The tower answered: “Lufthansa two one, remember to speak English.”
Lufthansa 21: “I am the German captain of a German aircraft parked on German soil; why do I need to speak English!!!”
A new voice broke in: “Because you lost the bloody war; this is British Airways three zero.”
The tower answered: “Lufthansa two one, remember to speak English.”
Lufthansa 21: “I am the German captain of a German aircraft parked on German soil; why do I need to speak English!!!”
A new voice broke in: “Because you lost the bloody war; this is British Airways three zero.”
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and gently hands it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre , followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, and she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap … and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The young man is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies…" She says : “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and gently hands it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre , followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, and she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap … and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The young man is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies…" She says : “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
G
GEddie
Guest
Q: How do you prepare Holy Water?
A: First, you boil the Hell out of it.
A: First, you boil the Hell out of it.
B
BartholomewB
Guest
Nurse: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to
sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in
Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow…
“Is that all?”, Holmes asked.
“Yes.” Watson replied. “Why, am I missing something?”.
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot . Someone
has stolen the darned tent.”
and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to
sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in
Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow…
“Is that all?”, Holmes asked.
“Yes.” Watson replied. “Why, am I missing something?”.
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot . Someone
has stolen the darned tent.”
U
upant
Guest
A dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
“What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?”
He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.”
“Well, then,” she snapped, “why isn’t it?”
“What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?”
He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.”
“Well, then,” she snapped, “why isn’t it?”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting Flies” he responded.
“Oh! Killing any?” she asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females”, he replied .
Intrigued, she asked.“How can you tell?”
“3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone”
around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting Flies” he responded.
“Oh! Killing any?” she asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females”, he replied .
Intrigued, she asked.“How can you tell?”
“3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone”
Y
yankeesouth
Guest
Did you know I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it???!!!
It’s true…I saw it with my own eyes!!!
It’s true…I saw it with my own eyes!!!
C
catholicray
Guest
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
Who is the leader of the school supplies?
The ruler.
#dadjokes2019
Because they lactose.
Who is the leader of the school supplies?
The ruler.
#dadjokes2019
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
S
StephieNorthCo
Guest
Heard at work…
Husband and his wife were awaiting sentencing by a judge. The husband had stolen something.
Judge asks, “what did you say you took?”
Husband: “a can of peaches”.
Judge: “how many peaches were in the can?”
Husband: “six”.
Judge: “ok. I’m going to sentence you 6 weeks in jail. One week for each peach”.
Wife: “excuse me, your honor, but that was a can of peas”.
Husband and his wife were awaiting sentencing by a judge. The husband had stolen something.
Judge asks, “what did you say you took?”
Husband: “a can of peaches”.
Judge: “how many peaches were in the can?”
Husband: “six”.
Judge: “ok. I’m going to sentence you 6 weeks in jail. One week for each peach”.
Wife: “excuse me, your honor, but that was a can of peas”.
M
Milt
Guest
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doc’ said they were physically OK but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things. They thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night, while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, ‘Where are you going?’
He replied, ‘To the kitchen.’
She asked, ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice-cream?’
He replied, ‘Sure.’
She then asked him, ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so that you can remember it?’
He said, ‘No, I can remember that.’
She then said, ‘Well I would also like some strawberries. You had better write it down because I know you’ll forget that.’
He said, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries.’
She replied, ‘I would also like some whipped cream on the top. I know you’ll forget that, so you had better write it down.’
With irritation in his voice, he said, ‘I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that!’
He then stormed off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
‘I TOLD you to write it down! You have forgotten my toast!’
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doc’ said they were physically OK but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things. They thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night, while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, ‘Where are you going?’
He replied, ‘To the kitchen.’
She asked, ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice-cream?’
He replied, ‘Sure.’
She then asked him, ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so that you can remember it?’
He said, ‘No, I can remember that.’
She then said, ‘Well I would also like some strawberries. You had better write it down because I know you’ll forget that.’
He said, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries.’
She replied, ‘I would also like some whipped cream on the top. I know you’ll forget that, so you had better write it down.’
With irritation in his voice, he said, ‘I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that!’
He then stormed off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
‘I TOLD you to write it down! You have forgotten my toast!’
- Status