Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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We were once told that communion rails served the purpose of keeping livestock out of the sanctuary back in the middle ages.

Now we need something similar to keep out the neo-modernists.
 
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
 
(Channeling Jeff Foxworthy again.)

You might be from my parish…if there’s a life-sized bronze statue of the patron saint in front of the church. Yet no one is certain how he really looked! Plus the name of the parish was changed due to consolidation.
 
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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the lawyer said, “Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?”

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go, too.”
 
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
A Jesuit priest told this joke. So don’t get mad at me.

A Franciscan, Dominican, and Jesuit went fishing together.

The Franciscan jumped into the water to make friends with brother shark. The shark attacked him.

The Dominican jumped in to save the Franciscan, but he was attacked as well.

Finally, the Jesuit jumps in the water to save them both.

The shark swims up to the Jesuit but doesn’t bite him.

The Jesuit asks the shark, “Why didn’t you attack me me?”
The shark replied, “Professional courtesy.”

BuddaBEENG.
 
During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are

gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and

all the lights go out. The Benedictines continue praying from memory,

without missing a beat. The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse

means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers. The

Franciscans compose a song of praise for God’s gift of darkness. The

Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the

transmission of divine knowledge. The Carmelites fall into silence and slow,

steady breathing. The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the

basement and replaces the fuse.
 
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I’m worried about my uncle. He is obsessed with
owning every Beatles album on vinyl. He needs Help.
– Siri
 
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I’m not sure this counts as a promotion. Tony Randazzo used to be auxiliary bishop of Sydney, but now he’s bishop of Broken Bay. It’s a bit of a diagonal move
 
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
 
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

“Is this good for wasps?” he asks the assistant.

To which she replies “No, it kills them.”
 
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He’s always wanted to be a millionaire too.
 

This is so funny…I could watch it a few times
 
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Weirdest thing. I just saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM

I asked him what he was doing, and he said, “just checking my balance.”
 
Uumgh. Too early for that pun. You seem to Excel at them. For your penance, grab your Bible and read about the Word!
 
A Franciscan, a Jesuit, and a Dominican all pass from this world, and find themselves before God’s throne room. The Lord calls to the Dominican, “Son of Saint Dominic: come forward! What do you believe?” Trembling, the Dominican enters the throne room, falls to his knees, and says, “I believe in one God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth!” God answers him, “You answered well, enter into Heaven.”

Next, God calls the Franciscan, “Son of Saint Francis: come forward! What do you believe?” The Franciscan enters the throne room, prostrates himself in awe, and replies, “I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary!” The Lord replies, “You answered well, proceed into Heaven.”

Finally, God calls the Jesuit, “Son of Saint Ignatius: come forward! What do you believe?” The Jesuit enters the Lord’s throne room, is amazed by its splendor, and replies, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.”
 
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