Kids under 7 banned from Wedding Church Ceremony

[EeyoresButerfly]

As for dry weddings, go save a buck somewhere else. I have never talked to a person three years or more after a wedding the commented how beautiful the flowers looked (or how they were just the right shade of pink). My wife and I got married 13 years ago and most of our guest how much fun they had to this day – a few don’t remember it all though.

Wow. That is quite the statement. I do not want alcohol at my wedding, and it has nothing to do with saving money. It has everything to do with the incredible behavior I have witnessed from people when they are drunk. Neither my boyfriend nor I are drinkers. We maybe have a glass of wine every other month- no joke. So it boggles my mind this attitude that ther must be alcohol in order for people to enjoy themselves. I have family members that have been alcoholics. I would rather not put them into that position. I would rather not have a wedding reception interrupted by an inebriated guest who is making a spectacle of themselves- and I have seen it at more than one wedding.

As for the kids, it’s not how I would do things ,but I can understand why people would do it. I would hope that it was mentioned to the couple ahead of time and they just overlooked it rather than being sprung upon them the day of by an obsessive pastor. It does also seem to be more of a regional thing. It seems much more common in the northeast than other parts of the states.

 

[Abeille]

I just recently attended a protestant wedding of my protestant relative at a non-denominational chapel in a resort area. I have 2 kids: one is 5 years old and another is 3 years old. The prominent protestant pastor specifically notified the wedding event organizer not to allow any kids under 7 years old to enter the chapel. Because of this, I ended up taking care of my kids during that 1.5 hours wedding ceremony outside the chapel while my wife participated in the ceremony because the groom is her sibling.

I assume the protestant pastor wanted the wedding ceremony to be free from the kids’ noise. Under any circumstances, is this charitable according to the Christian principles or maybe this is common and a non-issue at all since it’s just the kids.

Thanks for your opinion.

I’d like to ask the OP - did your wife’s brother (and now sister in law) mention that children were being discouraged prior to the event? Was it their idea or the idea of their pastor? What did they say when you asked them later about it?
Seems like if your wife participated in the actual ceremony that there was some contact between her and her brother.
Was there a reception? What happened with the children during that?
Just curious!

 

[Magdalena09]

Wow. That is quite the statement. I do not want alcohol at my wedding, and it has nothing to do with saving money. It has everything to do with the incredible behavior I have witnessed from people when they are drunk. Neither my boyfriend nor I are drinkers. We maybe have a glass of wine every other month- no joke. So it boggles my mind this attitude that ther must be alcohol in order for people to enjoy themselves. I have family members that have been alcoholics. I would rather not put them into that position. I would rather not have a wedding reception interrupted by an inebriated guest who is making a spectacle of themselves- and I have seen it at more than one wedding.

At the last wedding I attended, the bride actually got completely toasted and had to be carried away to what I can only assume was her room in the hotel the reception was taking place at. Not the way most people probably want to remember being carried across the threshold. Then again, I doubt if she remembers it at all.

There are also lots of nice options in between a dry wedding and an open bar, such as simply having a champagne toast, having the waiters go around with bottles of wine (generally the guest may choose between a white, a red, or a blush) but only having enough so that each guest may have two glasses, or the somewhat tacky cash bar option for people who need to save money.

I am kind of surprised by all the people with particular complaints about what a wedding and reception “should” and “shouldn’t” have. I’d say it’s up to the hosts and the B&G. After all, no one is forced to attend a wedding.

 

[psr13]

My sister isn’t Catholic, but she did put the name of everyone invited on the invitation, including children. However, they are having a daycare thing available during the ceremony. The reception is at her church, so it will be dry. The only person who has said anything is my oldest sister. The wedding is at 5PM today, so we’ll see if anyone says anything. I doubt it because we didn’t have alcohol at my wedding. And, not every single person got to bring a guest. That would really up the guest list, and they can’t afford that. The guest list is bigger than they wanted it in the first place. Not everyone spends 10K on a dress. Excluding food, my entire wedding, including the dress, probably cost about 300.

 

[lufty]

That was much nicer than the comment I was going to post, and you said it much better.

Recently my wife was practicing with the children’s quire on a Saturday morning for the Christmas Mass. After the children left a mean old bat came up to her complaining that “THAT SINGING DISTRACTED ME FROM MY PRAYERS”. My wife was taken a back by the comment and said the children needed to practice and she was sorry. The old woman continued to rail about how inconsiderate she was to have practice “IN A CHURCH” until my wife finally cried. I told her she should have just said “I’m sorry your faith is so weak that a few children singing could shake it so badly”.

This will be my last post in this thread as not to hijack it, but I feel I need to defend myself here from the attacks on my earlier statement.

As for the above quote, I would never dream of behaving that way to a parent. I myself raised 2 wonderful girls, and understand what being a parent involves, as well as having small children.
And yes, I am new to the CC. I was surprised that parents we allowing children to eat potato chips during mass, facing the back of the Cathedral, jumping, spitting, running up and down the bench part of the pews, etc. As I mentioned, I had small children, I understand their behavior, but just not the parents. I have NOTHING against small children, and they were beautiful little girls to boot.
So I did what I thought best, prayed for understanding. I now attend Mass at 9PM.

I hope I did not offend any parents here, and please know that in no way in my earlier statement, did I want to imply that I was not a supporter of family within the CC like some folks judged me to.

Peace

 

[Sina]

This will be my last post in this thread as not to hijack it, but I feel I need to defend myself here from the attacks on my earlier statement.

As for the above quote, I would never dream of behaving that way to a parent. I myself raised 2 wonderful girls, and understand what being a parent involves, as well as having small children.
And yes, I am new to the CC. I was surprised that parents we allowing children to eat potato chips during mass, facing the back of the Cathedral, jumping, spitting, running up and down the bench part of the pews, etc. As I mentioned, I had small children, I understand their behavior, but just not the parents. I have NOTHING against small children, and they were beautiful little girls to boot.
So I did what I thought best, prayed for understanding. I now attend Mass at 9PM.

I hope I did not offend any parents here, and please know that in no way in my earlier statement, did I want to imply that I was not a supporter of family within the CC like some folks judged me to.

Peace

No worries, I totally understand what you are saying here.

 

[EeyoresButerfly]

I get it too. Coming from a Southern Baptist background where young children typically went to nurseries, I was completely shocked the first time I attended Mass by the number of young children present. Most were fine, but several had been given rattles and other noise making devices that just made it hard for me to hear the priest.

I was visiting my boyfriend’s church on New Year’s Eve (he is Lutheran) and there was a little boy, maybe 5 or 6, in the pew ahead of us dressed in a Superman costume. It was odd, but nothing to really worry about. During the service, he was literally running around the pews. We were in the last pew because Aaron was taping the service and it was only us. He kept climbing all over pew which was making it shake. At one point he had taken off the belt to his costume and was hitting his mother and sister with it from our pew. Then he proceeded to take off his shoes and socks and put his feet all over the back of the pew in front of us and all the hymnals. It was distracting. The mom even carried him up to the altar rail for communion in his bare feet. During that whole time, he was making noise as were the rest of the kids in that family.

I have absolutely nothing against chlidren in Mass. I love little kids and I recognize that there will always be some noise when little kids are involved. But at the same time, parents need to teach their children the behavior expectations. This little boy was more than old enough to understand, the mom just didn’t bother to ask him to stop. At the chuch I go to now, I don’t think I have ever seen or heard a disruptive child. They are there in the Mass, but the parents expect them to behave. That is the big difference. For me it is a problem not with the children, but with the parents who do not bother to discipline. Thankfully those parents (at least around here) are few and far between.

 

[lainus]

In our Church, there is Children liturgy conducted simultaneously at a different rooms. They went to their rooms at the beginning of mass and later rejoin the mass during the offering time. Off course there are children not joining the Children liturgy and do make some noises but it is the duty of the parents to ensure that they are not a nuisance to others especially when the priest change bread and wine to the body and blood of our Lord.

Bringing children for mass is a good practice in order to instill in them the need to go to mass so we don’t face the problem of our children not wanting to attend mass.

 

[Bluegoat]

I don’t know if this has been covered, but when addressing a wedding, or other invitation, the name of all the people invited should be on the invitation. If it is addressed only to the parents, then really it is for the parents. If it is for all the family, either the “Jones family” or each individual should be named.

However many people don’t realize this, so I would always check if the kids names were not on the invitation what the intent was.

In my experience, lack of children in wedding services isn’t broadly Protestant. It is more related to culture, which may be related to the particular denomination, or the region, socio-economic level, or even just the family culture.

I doubt it was the pastor’s idea. I have never heard of such a thing.

 

[DJgang]

First off guys … how long is a protestant wedding? What 30 minutes at most, if they sing a few mushy country songs, etc?

A Catholic Wedding Mass is much longer … so think about that.

The request for no children at a Protestant wedding is horrible. I don’t understand it. Now, if you have a fancy, sit down, drinks involved (not likely with protestants in the south at least) and asking for no children at the reception, that’s different.

That couple should have told the guests beforehand so arrangements could have been made…

 

[Bluegoat]

As far as kids in church, I think it can be nice to have options. My oldest daughter, 5, is really ready to sit through the service, at least some times. But I also have a two-year old and since I am often on my own, I find it really difficult to help her understand my expectations while also keeping hold of my toddler (who is, at the moment, also much faster than me.)

We do actually have options at my church. There is a cry room which is near the bathroom with changing facilities, comfy chairs, and toys, for parents who need to duck out of service with kids. There is toddler church which is a ten min program for kids that aren’t up for much time in Church at all. (This is new, in response to an influx of young kids.) Often the parents trade off services, and everyone goes up for communion. Then there is Sunday School, which is for school aged kids, a much more academic program about Christianity. The kids leave after the Nicene Creed and come back in time for communion (we have longish sermons and a lot of music.)

So parents can figure out what works for their kids and themselves at a given time.

 

[Sparki777]

My protestant wedding was 12 minutes, from entrance to exit. We had only one song, but it wasn’t country, it was Tracy Champman’s, “For You.”

Anyway, kids under 7 can be taught to behave at Mass of any length. My kids were in a wedding (bringing up gifts) with a full Mass at the ages of 8, 5 and 4, and they were perfectly well-behaved for the whole hour and 25 minutes. No potato chips or running in the aisles, either.

 

[SamH]

This will be my last post in this thread as not to hijack it, but I feel I need to defend myself here from the attacks on my earlier statement.

I don’t think you understand the meaning of the work “attack”.

 

[Magdalena09]

That couple should have told the guests beforehand so arrangements could have been made…

Several people have said this, but I do not agree.

If the children were not on the invitation, they were not invited. Period. If there was a question of whether or not the B&B “meant” to invite the children, the responsibility falls on the guests to inquire, not the B&G or hosts, who should have already stated who was invited on the invitation.

 

[pnewton]

Several people have said this, but I do not agree.

If the children were not on the invitation, they were not invited. Period.

Ohter posters have said this (too) and I disagree. Not everyone is aware of these rules of etiquette. The parents in question were unaware. I did not know about them. I am sure that many who are not socialites are totally ignorant of such things. Yes, an on-the-ball parent might have thought to follow up with a phone call for verification. But then again, they may not have even had the glimmer of thought that such a call was needed.

 

[Magdalena09]

Ohter posters have said this (too) and I disagree. Not everyone is aware of these rules of etiquette. The parents in question were unaware. I did not know about them. I am sure that many who are not socialites are totally ignorant of such things. Yes, an on-the-ball parent might have thought to follow up with a phone call for verification. But then again, they may not have even had the glimmer of thought that such a call was needed.

I don’t think it is some unknown rule of etiquette that in the case of formal (and even semi-formal) events, only those who are invited are supposed to attend.

I’m not a socialite. I’m from a small Texas town. But most people know this.

ETA: See post #75.

 

[redrosetea]

I just recently attended a protestant wedding of my protestant relative at a non-denominational chapel in a resort area. I have 2 kids: one is 5 years old and another is 3 years old. The prominent protestant pastor specifically notified the wedding event organizer not to allow any kids under 7 years old to enter the chapel. Because of this, I ended up taking care of my kids during that 1.5 hours wedding ceremony outside the chapel while my wife participated in the ceremony because the groom is her sibling.

I assume the protestant pastor wanted the wedding ceremony to be free from the kids’ noise. Under any circumstances, is this charitable according to the Christian principles or maybe this is common and a non-issue at all since it’s just the kids.

Thanks for your opinion.

I think if children were not welcome they should have let the parents know ahead of time

They shoudl have told you beforehand

 

[ac_claire]

This will be my last post in this thread as not to hijack it, but I feel I need to defend myself here from the attacks on my earlier statement.

As for the above quote, I would never dream of behaving that way to a parent. I myself raised 2 wonderful girls, and understand what being a parent involves, as well as having small children.
And yes, I am new to the CC. I was surprised that parents we allowing children to eat potato chips during mass, facing the back of the Cathedral, jumping, spitting, running up and down the bench part of the pews, etc. As I mentioned, I had small children, I understand their behavior, but just not the parents. I have NOTHING against small children, and they were beautiful little girls to boot.
So I did what I thought best, prayed for understanding. I now attend Mass at 9PM.

I hope I did not offend any parents here, and please know that in no way in my earlier statement, did I want to imply that I was not a supporter of family within the CC like some folks judged me to.

It’s ok, I understood what you meant in your first post.

 

[lada]

Actually, these are not unwritten rules of wedding etiquette, they are common assumptions that are actually wedding etiquette faux pas. I’ve helped a couple friends plan their weddings and the rule is that who is mentioned on the invite is who is invited.

Planning a wedding is stressful business, especially for people who don’t have all the money in the world to throw around or who simply want to be financially responsible.

It is not, and should not be, expected of the bride and groom to plan their guest list based on trying to accommodate every single guest’s preferences or opinions. This is their wedding and they are inviting people to come and be a part of a day that is about them and their union together in God. It isn’t about the guests. As in any other situation, it is rude to “extend invitations” to other people who were not originally invited to an event.

-the knot.com

In my opinion the best way to avoid all these weird situations is simply for the bride and groom to KNOW their guests and for the guests to have good manners.

If bride and groom are close to a FAMILY, rather than just the two parents in the family, the children should be invited and most likely will be. As for singles, if an unmarried guest has a fiance or a serious, long-term significant other, they should be invited, but it is not necessary to do a +1 for every single the B&G invite. An exception to this rule would be if the B&G are inviting someone who is single who for whatever reason won’t know anyone else at the wedding. Then it is best to allow them a guest. Otherwise, a good seating chart is all that is needed. This is why it is important for the B&G to know their guests. Guests should have good manners by understanding that every individual seat and place setting at a reception costs SOMEONE a considerable amount. It is rude for the guests to expect bride and groom to have to narrow what was originally a 150 person invite list to 30 people just because the guests think that they should be able to bring whomever they deem necessary to the wedding.

Bottom line: If you are insulted by who was or was not invited to a wedding, don’t attend. It’s not about you, it’s about the couple who is getting married.

Biggest Mistakes Wedding Guests Make

Well, I respectfully disagree with pretty much your entire post. For one thing, the wedding is for the bride and groom, yes. But it wouldn’t be much of a party without the guests! Secondly, I don’t buy the “it’ snot about money” part. Invite your closest relatives and friends and their families first. After you’ve got that list, then go to your second tier of friends and relatives and their families, then the third tier and so on until you have reached your maximum number. The only reason to invite two single people instead of one single person and her date is that in the former situation, you get two gifts and in the latter, you only get one.

 

[Bluegoat]

Ohter posters have said this (too) and I disagree. Not everyone is aware of these rules of etiquette. The parents in question were unaware. I did not know about them. I am sure that many who are not socialites are totally ignorant of such things. Yes, an on-the-ball parent might have thought to follow up with a phone call for verification. But then again, they may not have even had the glimmer of thought that such a call was needed.

Well, this is a pretty basic rule of etiquette. I agree that many do not know it, but the invitation was correct, and the parents were mistaken. So while unfortunate, it wasn’t negligent of the bride and groom, and really not a reason to complain about their rudeness.

FWIW, both Miss Manners, Emily Post, and most wedding planning guides include this information about addressing invites.

But it isn’t a particular wedding thing. It is the basic rules for any kind of invitation. If your child gets an invite to a birthday party, it does not mean her siblings are invited, for example.