Lack of Desire

[searching06]

I am new to all of this and while I may have found some answers, I guess I still need “validation” for the lack of a better word. So, here’s the question: is it normal, physiologically and emotionally, to have almost no desire for sex with my wife after years of being intimate maybe once per month because we are using NFP? Yes, it seems I am strictly blaming NFP, which works and is wonderful it that repsect. But to me it is a major factor in a lack of intimacy. I need to know if it is just me or if others are or have been frustrated as well.
It seems as I read forums that no one admits that the physical aspects of sex - God-given pleasure and being so close to someone you love - is absolutely tied to the emotional side as well: it is terribly difficult to feel emotionally close to someone if there is little physical, intimate contact. Don’t know about the rest of the guys out there, but I emotionally need to feel wanted by my wife; it isn’t all just physical. That said, with life as it is, my wife works nights and I work days, so we see each other quite literally two days a week, if kids’ events do not interfere; we have not and do not agree on raising teenagers, though we muddle through; finances are usually an issue, but we pay the bills; and until quite recently, I have not been fulfilled in a job for fourteen years (God threw a curve ball again). Add on top of that the Church does not allow the most intimate relations between a husband and wife in between fertile times with NFP, and here we are.
Everyone on these types of forums talk as if it no big deal, and I am sure I just have a very long way to go. My wife, God bless her, sticks strictly to what the church says to the point of feeling guilty even if on accident I reach orgasm during foreplay. For me, it seems to have developed that after all this time of so little physical intimacy, there is no real physical pleasure, which leads to no emotional connection, which leads to physical “performance” difficulties as a guy, which all flows over to no real emotional connection with my wife in general. My head screams I should want to be with my wife - yes, sex - but I really just don’t care anymore; I do it because I owe her that as her husband. I feel as if she just does not want me, though it is not the case.
I do clean, cook, take care of the house and laundry, but I’m the one feeling utilitarian, as my wife calls it. Talking about it with her is not going to change anything because it cannot according to the Church, and I’ll just make her feel guilty over something which apparently only I have a problem with.
I’ll end here and look forward to responses, because I know I’ll need to post some more.

searching06

 

[LSK]

Look, don’t listen to just me because I am a woman and not married but it sure seems to me that right now, the two of you have lots on your plates with the schedules you have…maybe some special “date night” planning would help spark the romance? The decision to love each other has been made…but the other…what do you busy marrieds out there think?

 

[Em_in_FL]

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time with this…

I do have one question though… regarding the meaning of this statement?..

Add on top of that the Church does not allow the most intimate relations between a husband and wife in between fertile times with NFP, and here we are.

I would highly recommend getting additional training in NFP. Limiting intimacy to once a month is not the fault of NFP or the church… it doesn’t HAVE to be that way.
It seems to me like there must be some deeper issues that need to be addressed before the symptom of “lack of intimacy” can be treated…

Let’s just say… there ARE NFP users that don’t limit their intimacy to once a month. Not even CLOSE!

So my only advice is to seek the root of your marital issues… rather than blaming the symptom…

 

[Josefa]

I’m surprised to hear that you are being intimate maybe once per month using NFP. When NFP is being used to avoid pregnancy there is more than one possible day for being intimate (when it is used correctly). I too feel that there is something else going on here…What type of NFP are you using? Are you involved with your wife in charting her fertility signs (this may help you and your wife plan for moments of intimacy)? Also how does your wife feel about being intimate only once a month?

I would suggest that you are your wife discuss this issue to find the “root” of the problem. NFP may be the issue if you are using it incorrectly, otherwise it may be related to your challenging schedules, job issues, relational issues or emotional issues.

Remember that you can also get some support through your parish community and good Christian counsellors.

Also reading some book may be helpful. For intimacy in marriage I would suggest Chistopher West’s ‘Good News About Sex and Marriage’. For parenting (you mentioned parenting disagreements) I would suggest a book by Dr. Ray Guarendi such as ‘Good Discipline, Great Teens’.

 

[1ke]

Searching,

I am finding it difficult to understand your post.

First, you say you only have intimacy once per month “because” of NFP. If that is the case you are using NFP incorrectly, as there are many more days than just one for being intimate.

The rest of your post leads me to believe that lack of intimacy is not the fault of NFP, but of all the other issues you explain.

Working opposite schedules and having “kids activities” resulting in only being able to see each other 2 days a week-- come on… that is the problem right there.

This scheduling situation is your choice as a couple and the Church’s teaching has nothing to do with it. If you happen to only see your wife on two days that are fertile days-- and you have a reason to avoid a pregnancy-- then blame your scheduling priorities not NFP. NFP is just information, you can choose to have sex or not based on that information. The fact that you never see your wife is not NFP’s fault.

The rest of your post just confirms the issues are not specific to NFP-- disagreeing on the raising of teens, your job situation, and your wife’s excessive scrupulosity related to sexual areas.

I do not understand this statement at all. Could it have been a typo? *Add on top of that the Church does not allow the most intimate relations between a husband and wife in between fertile times with NFP, and here we are. *

 

[anamchara]

The OP did say he doesn’t mean to blame NFP, you guys jumped too fast on that one statement and are fearful he might be saying something bad against NFP. I didn’t get that at all.

Searching, you and your wife sound very stressed out. I’ve been married for 20yrs. We too have gone through pretty dry spells

Nothing should be affecting imtimacy between the two of you and if it is to the point where you are really unhappy then something needs to be done. I don’t know that much about NFP but perhaps you could spend some quiet time together and talk about this? Let her know how troubled you are about it. Communication is the key my friend. I don’t think the Church expects you or your wife to be perfect with NFP, we are human. Can you talk to your priest about this?

Personally, I would have never done well with NFP, I would have had ten babies. I don’t have the disapline

I’m not in anyway disrespecting NFP btw, I think it’s great if you can do it.

 

[1ke]

The OP did say he doesn’t mean to blame NFP, you guys jumped too fast on that one statement and are fearful he might be saying something bad against NFP. I didn’t get that at all.

No, we did not “jump too fast”, nor did I think the OP was saying anything bad about NFP.

He is wrapping all of his problems around lack of intimacy, which he p(name removed by moderator)oints as having relations “maybe once a month” because they use NFP.

We are all telling him that something is amiss if he is only having relations once per month, and that NFP is not it. He may be using NFP incorrectly, but as I pointed out I think it’s not NFP at all that is causing the problem.

I don’t think the Church expects you or your wife to be perfect with NFP, we are human.

What do you mean by this? This statement doesn’t really make any sense.

Personally, I would have never done well with NFP, I would have had ten babies. I don’t have the disapline

I’m not in anyway disrespecting NFP btw, I think it’s great if you can do it.

This statement also makes no sense. Are you implying that there is some other acceptable alternative to NFP if one wishes to postpone pregnancy?

Abstinence, periodic or total, is the way to postpone pregnancy. To imply there is another way does the OP an even great disservice.

 

[anamchara]

I think this is what the OPs question really centers on.

So, here’s the question: is it normal, physiologically and emotionally, to have almost no desire for sex with my wife after years of being intimate maybe once per month because we are using NFP? Yes, it seems I am strictly blaming NFP, which works and is wonderful it that repsect. But to me it is a major factor in a lack of intimacy. I need to know if it is just me or if others are or have been frustrated as well.

 

[anamchara]

No, we did not “jump too fast”, nor did I think the OP was saying anything bad about NFP.

Ok, settle down…I just saw a few people kind of jump on that one thing he said instead of just answering the question,sheesh.

What do you mean by this? This statement doesn’t really make any sense.

You are reading far too much into my words my friend, he had mentioned that his wife gets upset if he orgasms…I was just trying to let him know she shouldn’t be so stressed out, we are not perfect. I think the Church understands these little intimate mishaps, goodness.

This statement also makes no sense. Are you implying that there is some other acceptable alternative to NFP if one wishes to postpone pregnancy?

Abstinence, periodic or total, is the way to postpone pregnancy. To imply there is another way does the OP an even great disservice.

I have three girls and I used ABC because I was a Protestant at the time and before our family converted my husband had a vasectomy. You might want to ask questions before you jump to conclusions about someone.

I wasn’t giving alternatives just making a point that i wouldn’t have done so well with it so I can understand how the guy might feel. I did recommend he talk to his wife about this and maybe his priest! Which I think is a good idea!

 

[maria_rose]

I am new to all of this and while I may have found some answers, I guess I still need “validation” for the lack of a better word. So, here’s the question: is it normal, physiologically and emotionally, to have almost no desire for sex with my wife after years of being intimate maybe once per month because we are using NFP? Yes, it seems I am strictly blaming NFP, which works and is wonderful it that repsect. But to me it is a major factor in a lack of intimacy. I need to know if it is just me or if others are or have been frustrated as well.
It seems as I read forums that no one admits that the physical aspects of sex - God-given pleasure and being so close to someone you love - is absolutely tied to the emotional side as well: it is terribly difficult to feel emotionally close to someone if there is little physical, intimate contact. Don’t know about the rest of the guys out there, but I emotionally need to feel wanted by my wife; it isn’t all just physical. That said, with life as it is, my wife works nights and I work days, so we see each other quite literally two days a week, if kids’ events do not interfere; we have not and do not agree on raising teenagers, though we muddle through; finances are usually an issue, but we pay the bills; and until quite recently, I have not been fulfilled in a job for fourteen years (God threw a curve ball again). Add on top of that the Church does not allow the most intimate relations between a husband and wife in between fertile times with NFP, and here we are.
Everyone on these types of forums talk as if it no big deal, and I am sure I just have a very long way to go. My wife, God bless her, sticks strictly to what the church says to the point of feeling guilty even if on accident I reach orgasm during foreplay. For me, it seems to have developed that after all this time of so little physical intimacy, there is no real physical pleasure, which leads to no emotional connection, which leads to physical “performance” difficulties as a guy, which all flows over to no real emotional connection with my wife in general. My head screams I should want to be with my wife - yes, sex - but I really just don’t care anymore; I do it because I owe her that as her husband. I feel as if she just does not want me, though it is not the case.
I do clean, cook, take care of the house and laundry, but I’m the one feeling utilitarian, as my wife calls it. Talking about it with her is not going to change anything because it cannot according to the Church, and I’ll just make her feel guilty over something which apparently only I have a problem with.
I’ll end here and look forward to responses, because I know I’ll need to post some more.

searching06

Hi my friend,
I have been married for 13 years this year and can attest that, yes, there are dry spells.
Upon reading your note several things popped into my head.
Yes NFP can be challenging, but patience and prayer help a lot.
As for your need for affection and love; that doesn’t just come from sex. That comes fromyou both together enjoying cuddle time, romantic music, long walks in the moonlight and sensory experiences as for example beautiful perfums you use or bubble baths.
You need to take time for talks, rembering how your romance began, what attracted you to each other and invite the eternal matchmaker (God ) into your marriage.
When you pray together and for oneanother your connection with your wife will deepen and desire will come all by itsself.
You said you haven’t been fullfilled in a job for years. It sounds like an allaround derth of fullfillment.
You must make Christ Number 1 in your life. He is the only one who can truly fullfill our needs; spouses, friends and children can only help so much.
Since you’re the one to seek intimacy, take the lead. Romance your wife like you used too. ease her anxieties and most of all pray for her.
One last thought! You might want to get very involved in your wife’s charting of her fertility and you will find that there is more times than once a month where you’re safe to enjoy.
Of course maybe its God inspiring a desire for another child. i could be wrong.
I will pray for you.
God love you!

 

[Jay2]

Welcome to the life of a Catholic man… All physical pleasures squelched for the “good of pro-creation & the betterment of the Church”!

 

[1ke]

You are reading far too much into my words my friend, he had mentioned that his wife gets upset if he orgasms…I was just trying to let him know she shouldn’t be so stressed out, we are not perfect. I think the Church understands these little intimate mishaps, goodness.

Perhaps it is you reading too much in. Your statement didn’t make any sense, and I asked you to clarify. Which you did. It makes much more sense now.

I have three girls and I used ABC because I was a Protestant at the time and before our family converted my husband had a vasectomy. You might want to ask questions before you jump to conclusions about someone.

I didn’t “jumpt to conclusions”, I asked you to clarify what you were saying because it implies contraception is a solution. You should have clarified, as it stands on it’s own it seems you are supporting it. Which, I was hopeful you were not doing. And, now you’ve clarified it quite nicely and it brings a completely different context to your statements.

We aren’t mind readers, and sometimes the written word doesn’t come across as you intended. I think that is the case here. Your post was very confusing. And, if you had been advocating contraception, you certainly would not be the first or last to come on here and do so-- that is why I asked you to clarify.

 

[anamchara]

beautifully put maria rose, I will also had my prayers for thier marriage and happiness.

 

[anamchara]

I didn’t “jumpt to conclusions”,

And, if you had been advocating contraception, you certainly would not be the first or last to come on here and do so-- that is why I asked you to clarify.

Too many have chips on shoulders, we have to be careful about jumping so quickly there are better ways to ask. Your right we are not mind readers so next time before you quickly chastize someone in public you might want to use the PM system and ask. I’m sorry if you didn’t intend this but your tone came off jumpy and a bit snippy.

 

[1ke]

Too many have chips on shoulders, we have to be careful about jumping so quickly there are better ways to ask. Your right we are not mind readers so next time before you quickly chastize someone in public you might want to use the PM system and ask. I’m sorry if you didn’t intend this but your tone came off jumpy and a bit snippy.

I did not chastize you and I am sorry if you took it that way, it was not my intent.

 

[anamchara]

I did not chastize you and I am sorry if you took it that way, it was not my intent.

It’s possible I read your words wrong, I think at times I have a chip on my shoulder. Sorry for the misunderstanding 1ke

 

[jules11]

Add on top of that the Church does not allow the most intimate relations between a husband and wife in between fertile times with NFP, and here we are.

What do you mean by this??? I don’t think this is true at all. You are able to be intimate with your wife at any time. It is up to you whether you choose to, during the fertile times or not.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Welcome to the life of a Catholic man… All physical pleasures squelched for the “good of pro-creation & the betterment of the Church”!

Then you haven’t met my husband!

He hardly has to ask for intimacy… some wives initiate more than the husbands can even stand! LOL!

Don’t blame the church for your unique marital situations.

 

[SeekerJen]

Add on top of that the Church does not allow the most intimate relations between a husband and wife in between fertile times with NFP, and here we are.

I’m not sure if the above is really indicative of your beliefs, but this statement is not true. You don’t have to reserve intimacy for only fertile times. Many don’t even use NFP, so they don’t know whether they’re being intimate in a fertile or infertile time. My husband and I don’t use it. We’re infertile, so if we only stuck to intimacy during fertile times, we’d be celibate. Definitely not what the Church has in mind.

The two of you might want to look into Catholic marriage counseling to help work through some of these issues and clear up some misconceptions. God bless you.

 

[litllulu]

I have a pen and paper here, I am taking notes on the Catholic man’s prospective on marriage and sex. I am hoping to get married to a great guy, and be the best wife. I love coming on this forum to soak up everything I can about marriage and of course SEX!