Lack of Desire

[Black_Jaque]

Searching,

I too was a bit confused by your post. But I’ll try to paraphrase it in my own words, and perhaps you could tell me if I’m accurate.

You’re in a situation where you can only be intimate once/month because you are using NFP to avoid pregnancy. Since you can only enjoy it once/month you would rather just dump it altogether? And not be close to your wife at all?

If I’m accurate, I can tell you that “yes” this is common. But it is indicative of problems.

This is the beauty of NFP. It’s situations such as this that spurs you to make changes in your life. God is using your sexuality to motivate you to improve your marriage and family life. Satan tempts you to think that the problem is NFP. But if you trust the Church, then you KNOW that NFP cannot be the problem.

Then what changes CAN you make that would not be sinful?

Career?
Parenting styles?
Try to get pregnant?
Children’s activity schedules?
Communication?

In my experience the sexual tensions between my wife and I lead to arguements. It’s kind of interesting because we’ll argue sporadically for days. Neither one of us will role over and “surrender” - we’re both way to bullheaded for that. But we can tell we’re making progress when the other person quits making the same arguements. Eventually we come to an understanding. Had it not been for “problems in bed” we would not have done the arguing, which is just another word for intense communication.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

You don’t have to use NFP, the Church does not say you must, only that you can.

 

[kresbrook]

I think I understand where you are coming from, and will offer my 2 cents as a woman.

I think that sexual desire is tied to how emotionally strong your marriage is. I think that sometimes this is more true for women than men, but not always. It sounds like you have other marital issues that may be causing your lack of desire in the bedroom. I know that I can’t possible feel the desire to be intimate if I feel resentment about other issues. Add that to the maybe 10 days a month available for intimacy when avoiding PG using NFP, and to the fact that you only see each other 2 days of those 10, and here you are. It also sounds like you are looking for her to be more assertive and let you know that she has sexual desire also.

I would start by initiating a date night. Maybe make it for one of the 2 nights that are “available”. Don’t talk about kids. Talk about memories of your courtship, where you used to go before you got married, why you fell in love with her, what you love about her now. Try to anticipate where she might want to go, or what she wants to do and then arrange to go there. Hold her hand. Go out of your normal routine and do something for her you usually wouldn’t do.

I don’t know her, but this might spark her desire some too. But also remember that depending on how thick the wall is that is separating you right now, something like this might just make a dent, and you both might need to work at it a little longer.

I do know how you feel; about 3 months ago I admited to my husband that I would be just as happy if we only had relations 3-4 times a year. It was more of a chore to me than a expression of love. Since then he has made more of an effort on the little surprises (even a loving statement or gesture that is not the norm), and our marriage has improved.

I hope things improve for you. I will pray for you, your wife and your marriage.

 

[kresbrook]

One thing that I forgot to point out.

For me and most of the women I know, we work opposite of men. Men need/want intimacy to feel emotionally close, women need/want emotional closeness to feel the desire for intimacy. This is why I said what I did above.

 

[cynic]

Women simply aren’t attracted to men that way, face it. At the beginning of the marriage it was for the sake of strenthening the bond and making their man happy. As time goes by these motivations dissapear, and they’re left with a middle aged guy whome they feel no attraction towards and just want a platonic ‘support’ type relationship with.

 

[cheddarsox]

Women simply aren’t attracted to men that way, face it. At the beginning of the marriage it was for the sake of strenthening the bond and making their man happy. As time goes by these motivations dissapear, and they’re left with a middle aged guy whome they feel no attraction towards and just want a platonic ‘support’ type relationship with.

not in our house

 

[1ke]

Women simply aren’t attracted to men that way, face it. At the beginning of the marriage it was for the sake of strenthening the bond and making their man happy. As time goes by these motivations dissapear, and they’re left with a middle aged guy whome they feel no attraction towards and just want a platonic ‘support’ type relationship with.

Speak for yourself, not for “women” as a whole. I am a woman, and it “ain’t” that way around my house…

 

[TylerAlex]

So, here’s the question: is it normal, physiologically and emotionally, to have almost no desire for sex with my wife after years of being intimate maybe once per month because we are using NFP? Yes, it seems I am strictly blaming NFP, which works and is wonderful it that repsect. But to me it is a major factor in a lack of intimacy. I need to know if it is just me or if others are or have been frustrated as well.

This is my personal opinion, but I do not think it is normal to have no desire for physical intimacy with your wife. I am purely speculating here, but I think because you concentrate too hard on the act of having sex and the effort it entails (struggle with NFP), that you might lose the reason and the joy of it- not to mention the importance of it, for a healthy marriage and union with God. Your wife needs intimacy that is free of “cloud of obligation” as much as you do.

This issue is probably one of the biggest issues I struggle with as well. You have to make sure that you do not allow yourself to be tempted to sin because of it. You could put yourself in a very vulnerable place that the Devil could use to drive a wedge in your marriage and faith. Please pray for the Lord’s strength and wisdom as you deal with this.

My advice, my friend, is to begin to look at every single blessing you have in your life and be thankful to our Lord for them. Begin to realize that you are blessed with a loving wife, wonderful children and that you are currently employed and have a steady income. Praise the Lord that he empowers you with his Grace and the Holy Spirit… truly the best gift of all. What would your life be without your wife and kids if they were suddenly taken from you? When you begin to view just how precious every blessing is, your attention to this matter diminishes. Look at each day as a way to offer yourself, your life, as a gift to God for all that he has given you… would you want to give him anything less than what he deserves?

You would be suprised how much your perspective changes when you empty your self of your burdens and troubles to the Lord, and allow him to replace that void with his Grace and Holy Spirit to be thankful and accepting of his will. Read about other people’s truly big problems (cancer, spousal abuse, addictions, depression/mental conditions) and realize just how good you really may have it.

Now… I am going to re-read this and make sure that I implement it for myself today!

 

[cynic]

Men love/like women (when it’s pure and not just about the physical). Women want to BE LOVED. There’s a difference. Women tend not to be attracted towards the man, it’s more about feeling attractive. With age women tend to grow out of this need for affirmation, to feel complete and whole without the attentions of a man, so their interest in the romantic side of the relationship wanes. Most women would be quite happy if there were no ‘relations’ (outside of procreatioin) if they could know that their husband would still care about them and remain faithful. Us men have just got to accept it.

 

[dulcissima]

Men love/like women (when it’s pure and not just about the physical). Women want to BE LOVED. There’s a difference. Women tend not to be attracted towards the man, it’s more about feeling attractive. With age women tend to grow out of this need for affirmation, to feel complete and whole without the attentions of a man, so their interest in the romantic side of the relationship wanes. Most women would be quite happy if there were no ‘relations’ (outside of procreatioin) if they could know that their husband would still care about them and remain faithful. Us men have just got to accept it.

Somehow I sort of doubt that God created Eve simply so that she could feel loved.

 

[katieq]

Hi Searching,

Just a few questions…1) Did you and your wife take classes through an NFP institution (online) or through a teaching couple? 2)Do you both participate with charting? 3) Is it possible (I mean this gently) that the NFP is not actually the root of the problem?

Perhaps you (as a team) can speak to a teaching couple and “re-learn” NFP. Perhaps speaking with someone (Catholic counselor available) will open channels of communication and help your wife realize your needs regarding intimacy (I have recently had the same difficulty in not realizing my husbands needs andtis type of thing helped me get my head on straight (I want to mention here that it wasn’t a matter of lack of enjoyment but of incorrect understanding of the conjugal act)

And (BIG HELP to me as a woman) invest in “Naked without Shame” (Christopher West) and listen to it together → this is what helped me realize the importance of the conjugal act in a truly sacramental marriage…

God bless,
Hope this helps a little,
Kate

 

[searching06]

Please pardon any mistakes here; I am not quite sure how to respond correctly to posts.

Limiting intimacy/sex to once per month (twice if wer’re lucky) is a function of several things: foremost is that we are blessed in my getting pregnant easily, hence four wonderful children; but we cannot afford more children financially and have not been able to for years, so we stick to NFP. Following that means possibly having sex/intimacy at phase 1 or 3, roughly the infertile times. So, yes, NFP does limit the times we can be together. Now we may be completely off the mark, but not from what we understand from years of using my wife’s “physical signs” as a guide, per an NFP book. Second, our lives as they are severely limit even seeing eah other awake more than two days a week - I work days, my wife works nights and carries the insurance; she is trying to switch to days, but it is not easy.

And if you are one of the NFPers who are intimate much more frequently, what are we missing to make that happen? As I said, it is not just physical pleasure I need, I need my wife and feel like I cannot have her.

Thanks -

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time with this…

I do have one question though… regarding the meaning of this statement?..

I would highly recommend getting additional training in NFP. Limiting intimacy to once a month is not the fault of NFP or the church… it doesn’t HAVE to be that way.
It seems to me like there must be some deeper issues that need to be addressed before the symptom of “lack of intimacy” can be treated…

Let’s just say… there ARE NFP users that don’t limit their intimacy to once a month. Not even CLOSE!

So my only advice is to seek the root of your marital issues… rather than blaming the symptom…

 

[searching06]

Thank you and I will ask for your prayers in this. Because God has opened some other doors, let’s say, I am trying hard to look at my blessings and focus on them instead of missing physical intimacy with my wife. I am praying that His grace will flow and allow me to do that. The leading to sin and accepting His will is can be a real struggle.

Thanks -

This is my personal opinion, but I do not think it is normal to have no desire for physical intimacy with your wife. I am purely speculating here, but I think because you concentrate too hard on the act of having sex and the effort it entails (struggle with NFP), that you might lose the reason and the joy of it- not to mention the importance of it, for a healthy marriage and union with God. Your wife needs intimacy that is free of “cloud of obligation” as much as you do.

This issue is probably one of the biggest issues I struggle with as well. You have to make sure that you do not allow yourself to be tempted to sin because of it. You could put yourself in a very vulnerable place that the Devil could use to drive a wedge in your marriage and faith. Please pray for the Lord’s strength and wisdom as you deal with this.

My advice, my friend, is to begin to look at every single blessing you have in your life and be thankful to our Lord for them. Begin to realize that you are blessed with a loving wife, wonderful children and that you are currently employed and have a steady income. Praise the Lord that he empowers you with his Grace and the Holy Spirit… truly the best gift of all. What would your life be without your wife and kids if they were suddenly taken from you? When you begin to view just how precious every blessing is, your attention to this matter diminishes. Look at each day as a way to offer yourself, your life, as a gift to God for all that he has given you… would you want to give him anything less than what he deserves?

You would be suprised how much your perspective changes when you empty your self of your burdens and troubles to the Lord, and allow him to replace that void with his Grace and Holy Spirit to be thankful and accepting of his will. Read about other people’s truly big problems (cancer, spousal abuse, addictions, depression/mental conditions) and realize just how good you really may have it.

Now… I am going to re-read this and make sure that I implement it for myself today!

 

[searching06]

Searching,

I am finding it difficult to understand your post.

First, you say you only have intimacy once per month “because” of NFP. If that is the case you are using NFP incorrectly, as there are many more days than just one for being intimate.

I’ll try to reply to different portions of this; hope this works. I’m open to pointers on what we need to look for/read/understand to find more days to be intimate. And yes, of course there is more than one day; I thought I explained following NFP limits us to once a month.

The rest of your post leads me to believe that lack of intimacy is not the fault of NFP, but of all the other issues you explain.

Working opposite schedules and having “kids activities” resulting in only being able to see each other 2 days a week-- come on… that is the problem right there.

Readily acknowledged.

This scheduling situation is your choice as a couple and the Church’s teaching has nothing to do with it. If you happen to only see your wife on two days that are fertile days-- and you have a reason to avoid a pregnancy-- then blame your scheduling priorities not NFP. NFP is just information, you can choose to have sex or not based on that information. The fact that you never see your wife is not NFP’s fault.

I’ll beg to differ here. If you or I follow NFP per Church guidance, it is not just information and we cannot just choose to have sex based on it or disregard it, which you seem to imply. Following NFP and Church guidance means we cannot do exactly that - choose to have sex when we wish, if we cannot afford to get pregnant.

The rest of your post just confirms the issues are not specific to NFP-- disagreeing on the raising of teens, your job situation, and your wife’s excessive scrupulosity related to sexual areas.

Please define my “wife’s excessive scrupulosity related to sexual areas”. If it is where I mentioned about reaching orgasm during foreplay, then may I suggest looking at the Catechism, which explicitly covers this. Orgasm for the male outside of intercourse is forbidden.

I do not understand this statement at all. Could it have been a typo? *Add on top of that the Church does not allow the most intimate relations between a husband and wife in between fertile times with NFP, and here we are. *

Should have been “in between infertile times”.

 

[searching06]

No, we did not “jump too fast”, nor did I think the OP was saying anything bad about NFP.

He is wrapping all of his problems around lack of intimacy, which he p(name removed by moderator)oints as having relations “maybe once a month” because they use NFP.

While I do not think anyone jumped too fast - I did post after all - I am not wrapping all of my problems around a lack of intimacy, but a lack of intimacy results from the problems. Though it is all tied together - one part exacerbates the others. And I readily admit there are several issues.

We are all telling him that something is amiss if he is only having relations once per month, and that NFP is not it. He may be using NFP incorrectly, but as I pointed out I think it’s not NFP at all that is causing the problem.

NFP is not the sole cause, but I see it as a part of it. How can it be otherwise? Strictly following NFP limits relations between a husband and wife, period. Strictly following Church teachings limits what we can and cannot do and when. Yes, the two together put strain on our relationship, mostly from my end.

What do you mean by this? This statement doesn’t really make any sense.

This statement also makes no sense. Are you implying that there is some other acceptable alternative to NFP if one wishes to postpone pregnancy?

Personally, I understand perfectly. There may not be an acceptable alternative. But in all honesty, before a dear friend enlightented my wife, who told me, about what the Catechism allowed - how do I put this delicately on this site - we were “there” for each other when we felt the need, either physically or emotionally that we needed each other. And yes, this brings an incredible emotional intimacy as well as physical. We never used each other; we were there to love each other. Which is the struggle I have had for years. Following NFP and Church teachings does not allow “acts of intimacy” to orgasm for the male other than intercourse in between infertile times. Which begs the questions - does the Church expect married couples to be as frustrated as I am/we are, in spite of all the other interferences I mentioned? As I replied to another post, I am praying for God’s grace to help this sinner hang in there.

Abstinence, periodic or total, is the way to postpone pregnancy. To imply there is another way does the OP an even great disservice.

 

[searching06]

And you know, it may well be God wants us to have another child, or several. Which is one of the questions we debate: do we use the head God gave us and His expectations for us to be responsible parents by not having children we cannot afford, hence using NFP, or do we let Him have complete control and have relations when we want or really, when we need each other, and “risk” having more kids? And yes, please pray hard for us.

Thanks -

Hi my friend,
I have been married for 13 years this year and can attest that, yes, there are dry spells.
Upon reading your note several things popped into my head.
Yes NFP can be challenging, but patience and prayer help a lot.
As for your need for affection and love; that doesn’t just come from sex. That comes fromyou both together enjoying cuddle time, romantic music, long walks in the moonlight and sensory experiences as for example beautiful perfums you use or bubble baths.
You need to take time for talks, rembering how your romance began, what attracted you to each other and invite the eternal matchmaker (God ) into your marriage.
When you pray together and for oneanother your connection with your wife will deepen and desire will come all by itsself.
You said you haven’t been fullfilled in a job for years. It sounds like an allaround derth of fullfillment.
You must make Christ Number 1 in your life. He is the only one who can truly fullfill our needs; spouses, friends and children can only help so much.
Since you’re the one to seek intimacy, take the lead. Romance your wife like you used too. ease her anxieties and most of all pray for her.
One last thought! You might want to get very involved in your wife’s charting of her fertility and you will find that there is more times than once a month where you’re safe to enjoy.
Of course maybe its God inspiring a desire for another child. i could be wrong.
I will pray for you.
God love you!

 

[searching06]

I do appreciate your response, and God bless you. But we are quite the opposite of infertile - we are blessed in that my wife gets pregnant easily. Please take this the right way, but being infertile, you can have relations when you wish and do not need NFP, except that God willing, you could have a child. But your point about being celibate is on the mark.

Thanks -

I’m not sure if the above is really indicative of your beliefs, but this statement is not true. You don’t have to reserve intimacy for only fertile times. Many don’t even use NFP, so they don’t know whether they’re being intimate in a fertile or infertile time. My husband and I don’t use it. We’re infertile, so if we only stuck to intimacy during fertile times, we’d be celibate. Definitely not what the Church has in mind.

The two of you might want to look into Catholic marriage counseling to help work through some of these issues and clear up some misconceptions. God bless you.

 

[Em_in_FL]

This scheduling situation is your choice as a couple and the Church’s teaching has nothing to do with it. If you happen to only see your wife on two days that are fertile days-- and you have a reason to avoid a pregnancy-- then blame your scheduling priorities not NFP. NFP is just information, you can choose to have sex or not based on that information. The fact that you never see your wife is not NFP’s fault.

I’ll beg to differ here. If you or I follow NFP per Church guidance, it is not just information and we cannot just choose to have sex based on it or disregard it, which you seem to imply. Following NFP and Church guidance means we cannot do exactly that - choose to have sex when we wish, if we cannot afford to get pregnant.

The Church doesn’t teach that “if you cannot afford to get pregnant then you must use NFP”…

NFP is only information.
Before science revealed the details of NFP, married couples would choose to abstain completely if they felt they could not handle more children. NFP is a gift that allows married couples to have marital relations (which is an integral part of a strong marriage) when they’d otherwise choose to be celebate.

Reading your posts… I would say your largest problem is your particular work/schedule situation and a realationship issue between you and your wife… not the NFP.

Let me pose some other questions…
How long have you used NFP?
Was this a conversion from using artificial BC in the past?
Has this problem been ongoing, or is it fairly new (in recent years)?

My basic point is… there are MANY of us who use NFP that are enjoying marital relations many, many times a month.

It’s NOT the NFP that’s a problem… I guarantee.

 

[PennitentMan]

Welcome to the life of a Catholic man… All physical pleasures squelched for the “good of pro-creation & the betterment of the Church”!

This was my first thought as well.

Searching, I am struggling with the close to same thing. My wife and my frequency of intimacy is about once per month.
I agree to you that it’s a combination of NFP and busy schedules.
My problem is that my wife’s drive is very low and she is generally not interested in intimacy.
I have also felt times that it would be better not to be intimate at all, (as per seekerJen’s remarks) rather than to have this 3 minuute bout every month. All that does is make me yearn for intimacy more. And yes, I say intimacy, since it’s not just about the physical sex. It’s like a carrot on a stick to a donkey, you know?

The reason why I quoted Jay2 above is that I do feel the same sometimes.
It seems that of all the people the Catholic men have the most issues with this.
I have read this on other forums, and in other posts enough to know that we are not alone, a big chunk of Catholic guys are right in this boat with us.
And while I love the church and obey her teachings, the Catholic men are mostly the people who suffer the most from it.

It seems to be a vicious cycle that starts at the once a month thing. Then because we are intimate so infrequently, the guys are very quick to excite and the whole deal is over in minuutes. that leaves all parties unsatisfied, but with nothing that they can do about it untill next month, when the whole cycle starts again…but with more of a dread to it than last month.

I have tried everything.
I have explored every nook and crevice of the Church rules, spoken to priests and councillors, and I have convinced my wife to seek a spiritual director (Which she in turn declined again two days ago) and believe me, there is nothing else that I can think of doing except, the advice that the priests gave me:
Adjust your attitude and accept it.

I’m sorry that my post is a bit negative, but I want to let you know that you are not alone in this. There are many of us that are on the short end of this intimacy stick.

I have recently started jogging again, (the only time I have is around 10 pm, but I do it anyway. and that seems to help with the frustration and feelings.

I’ll pray for you.

PM

 

[searching06]

The Church doesn’t teach that “if you cannot afford to get pregnant then you must use NFP”…

Never said the Church teaches to use NFP if you cannot afford to get pregnant. Of course it is a choice. I did say or mean that since we cannot financially afford another child and we are trying to be faithful to Church teachings, we have to follow NFP. As for your questions, we have used NFP for 22 of our 23 year marriage, but did not always follow the Catechism of only intercourse in between fertile times. That is a fairly recent thing, within the last five years or so. And of course our schedule and lack of time togeher is also an issue; that’s why I mentioned it because it is not solely an NFP thing. My main question for all of this - maybe I gave too much background info - was “is it normal to feel a lack of desire over time” and is anyone else out there feeling it, too? What do other men do to combat this?

NFP is only information.
Before science revealed the details of NFP, married couples would choose to abstain completely if they felt they could not handle more children. NFP is a gift that allows married couples to have marital relations (which is an integral part of a strong marriage) when they’d otherwise choose to be celebate.

Reading your posts… I would say your largest problem is your particular work/schedule situation and a realationship issue between you and your wife… not the NFP.

Let me pose some other questions…
How long have you used NFP?
Was this a conversion from using artificial BC in the past?
Has this problem been ongoing, or is it fairly new (in recent years)?

My basic point is… there are MANY of us who use NFP that are enjoying marital relations many, many times a month.

It’s NOT the NFP that’s a problem… I guarantee.