Lonely

[azgirl]

Why is it so difficult for some to find a partner? I have been searching my whole adult life. I have dated plenty but never felt a strong connection to any of them. It gets frustrating at times because it seems like it is so easy for others. I am dedicated to doing things the right way and sometimes that makes it feel like the impossible way. I learned from past behaviors that the right way is truly the right way but it still doesn’t make it any easier.
I have tried online dating and just seem to meet men who can’t make a committment. I honestly don’t know how to meet men in the real world anymore. In my 20’s I met men at bars and out with friends. I am 38 years old and don’t have many single friends and am over the bar scene.
I feel stuck, I strongly desire a change in my life but haven’t a clue what to do. I have prayed and prayed about this. I actually feel like God is probably tired of hearing this prayer from me.
Sorry just needed to vent. Been feeling pretty lonely lately and really wanting to share my life with someone.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Hi azgirl,

Thanks for sharing your trials. Just a few thoughts…

You are not “alone” in this affliction. Here in CAF we do hear of quite a few people (women particularly, but also men) suffering from loneliness and frustration at not being able to find a partner.

One of the common responses is to assure the individual that we here at CAF do care, and that you are always welcome here.

Questions about it have appeared on Ask An Apologist, and I found this one particularly helpful, as the apologist, Michelle Arnold, discussed her own singleness in the response (thanks Michelle!)

Does God have a special person for each of us?

Extract…

I don’t have any easy answers about how to deal with the disappointment of not having your dreams realized, but I can say that God’s plan for you will be infinitely more rewarding than anything you could have hoped for or anticipated. In my own life, I’ve come to realize that singleness can be its own blessing. It allows opportunities for service to others that wouldn’t otherwise be possible. It allows time and resources for activities that might otherwise have to be deferred or set aside (e.g., discerning a vocation to a third order, weekend retreats, advanced adult religious education, etc.). It can even prepare you for another vocation at a later time. (St. Jane de Chantal longed to be a sister for many years but was thwarted by her family responsibilities. Eventually her family experiences heavily influenced her life as a religious sister and the order she founded with St. Francis de Sales.)

Bottom line, what I can assure you of is this: If you are faithful to God in the present moment, you can trust him to be faithful to you in the long run.

 

[GeorgeLopez]

Are phisically attractive? Please dont take this wrong in any way. But people i have known over the years who arent too attractive seem to either end up with some loser who doesnt care or alone.

I’m just wondering…

I actually knew a girl back in my college days, whom in most peoples eyes was not very good looking. She became my work out buddy, and felt better about herself, shortly after she met someone who she’s married to to this day.

 

[Morwenna]

AZGirl! :hug3:

I remember you from our old “venting” and prayer thread!

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=231425

I thought a few times of starting a new thread like that to get us all praying together again … maybe this thread can be the catalyst!

I’m a few years older than you, and like you, didn’t have many single friends and was over the bar scene (well, actually I never was into the bar scene, but … same idea ). I had pretty much given up on finding someone who was able to commit to marriage, and since I wasn’t interested in any other kind of relationship, I resigned myself to being a lifelong single.

As many others here have said, just when you think there’s no hope …

I actually met a very sweet lady here on CAF, and was friends with her for a couple of years. Then, it turned out that she had a son who was exactly my age … and then it turned out that not only were we the same age, but we were born just a few days apart. We also had a number of similarities in our past. Another funny coincidence was that his favorite female name from childhood on up is my (real) name, which is quite an uncommon name. The exact ‘timing’ of when we met is even more amazing, but too personal to go into on this thread … believe me when I say that that only God could have arranged something like this! It has been completely unexpected and completely wonderful!

To make a long story short: because of this wonderful friend on CAF, I met my future husband … God willing, we’ll be marrying later this year, or early next year. :harp:

Please don’t give up … I was older than you when we first met, and he has made all the long years of waiting worth it. You TRULY never know when (or how) you might meet someone special, someone worth waiting for. God can and does do miracles for His children … even if it sometimes takes longer than we wish

You will be in my prayers, AZGirl!

 

[triumphguy]

Loneliness is a terrible thing. Especially loneliness for a mate.

A person feels incomplete and aching to be complete.

You can also feel very frustrated when you see others having relationships, especially relationships with those you feel are less suitable than yourself. If only that other person could see me instead of that person!

I know: I’ve been there.

I felt myself to be unlovable, and in someways I acted that out.

I’ve got no advice. It’s a sad, aching place to be.

Well maybe I do have some advice. Don’t believe what you feel about yourself at 3 in the morning!

And, scant comfort though this can seem at times: God loves you and has sent his son to die for you.

Here’s a prayer from St. Augustine (though I might have slapped someone who gave this to me at the time)

Too late have I loved you,
O Beauty so ancient,
O Beauty so new.
Too late have I loved you!
You were within me but I was outside myself,
and there I sought you!
In my weakness I ran after the beauty of the things you have made.
You were with me,
and I was not with you.
The things you have made kept me from you,
the things which would have no being
unless they existed in you!
You have called,
you have cried,
and you have pierced my deafness.
You have radiated forth,
you have shined out brightly,
and you have dispelled my blindness.
You have sent forth your fragrance,
and I have breathed it in,
and I long for you.
I have tasted you,
and I hunger and thirst for you.
You have touched me,
and I ardently desire your peace.

 

[azgirl]

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I went to Adoration tonight and of course I feel much better now. I know I am not alone.

Morwenna - Congratulations! What a beautiful story. I tell myself when I finally meet that amazing man God has planned for me all the waiting will be worth it.

 

[Irishmom2]

Are phisically attractive? Please dont take this wrong in any way. But people i have known over the years who arent too attractive seem to either end up with some loser who doesnt care or alone.

I’m just wondering…

Please pay no attention to this very shallow and not helpful in any way, post. You would not want to be with anyone that values you only for your looks anyway.

I have no other advice for you, but will offer a prayer for you. May God bless you and guide you.

 

[trinichiqn]

I have single friends, although they are all suddenly getting engaged and married, and I have never been part of the bar scene. I am horribly shy and not very social. However I recently met a really great guy and where I would have felt totally awkward with someone else I hardly felt like that with him in the beginning and now I am actually almost at ease teasing him back. I have prayed about this for a long time and I continue to pray that he is the right one.

There is a groups here, Praying For Our Future Spouses, check it out.

 

[azgirl]

Please pay no attention to this very shallow and not helpful in any way, post. You would not want to be with anyone that values you only for your looks anyway.

I have no other advice for you, but will offer a prayer for you. May God bless you and guide you.

Believe me I didn’t pay any attention to this! I am physically attractive, I am very active and in good shape. I think I am a pretty good catch

 

[azgirl]

There is a groups here, Praying For Our Future Spouses, check it out.

I will look for this group, thank you!

 

[GeorgeLopez]

Believe me I didn’t pay any attention to this! I am physically attractive, I am very active and in good shape. I think I am a pretty good catch

If you’re attractive and a very good catch. I find it hard to believe you’re 38 and have yet to find your other half.

 

[Schieffelin]

If you’re attractive and a very good catch. I find it hard to believe you’re 38 and have yet to find your other half.

Your shallow comments reveal more about you than they do about the OP, George.

if it was only a matter of “attractive girl meets attractive boy” then you might have a point. However, for people with some depth and with a commitment to live the Catholic faith, it’s a little more complicated than that. Do you have any idea how hard it it nowadays to find a good faithful Catholic with whom you also have all of the other important stuff in common?

 

[MrZetterlund]

Lol, uhm… Maybe you should stop meeting men at bars? I mean, thats where guys go for one-night stands after happy hour, not to find a marital relationship. Maybe you could participate in more church activities like a retreat or something. Christians are the ones who care about the “I wanna find the Eve to my Adam” kind of stuff. Just change the scene to anywhere other than a bar and I’m sure you’ll have better luck. Just remember, women look better at 38 than men do. Don’t brush some guy off like, “Ew, creeper.” For all you know he could be a swell guy (fyi, he might actually say “swell.” Yes, you’ll probably think “the one” is a total loser at first.)

Also, GeorgeLopez’s comment may be more helpful then some may think. Whether we wish to acknowledge it or not, sexual appeal is often the first thing we look for in finding a mate. There’s nothing wrong with that, it was God’s intention. All sexually desirable body parts have significance to reproductivity. Breasts for suckling, chid-bearing hips, and uh… You know. For women its muscle strength to naturally provide for one’s family through work, and a toned butt helps during the uh… ‘Mating process.’ Of course, I’m not saying that you have to look like Jenifer Lopez to date, just take care of yourself as you’d desire for your partner to take care of theirselves. Of course, you claim to be in good shape, so this probably doesn’t apply to you as much… Just sayig, it isn’t as ‘shallow’ as some people would take it.

So yeah, my main advice would be to change the scene in which you pick up men. Don’t waste your time with guys who just wanna, you know, “have fun.” Mr. Right will probably be the sweaty loser who would climb through a window on a three-story building to save you from a fire. Of course, he wont be a sweaty loser to you after you give him a chance…

Just remember: Superman is also Clark Kent.

 

[faithfully]

If you’re attractive and a very good catch. I find it hard to believe you’re 38 and have yet to find your other half.

Says the man who is married to a “very attractive” woman, who he’s been cheating on.

She’s not just looking for a body George. Seriously GROW UP Already!

 

[GeorgeLopez]

Says the man who is married to a “very attractive” woman, who he’s been cheating on.

She’s not just looking for a body George. Seriously GROW UP Already!

My wife IS very attractive phisically. I have not cheated on my wife.

 

[maryjk]

My wife IS very attractive phisically. I have not cheated on my wife.

George you have a girlfriend.

That is the definition of cheating.

Oh, I know you use the Bill Clinton definition, but in the real world, you have cheated.

 

[joshvanrad]

I know exactly how you feel. I have dated plenty of girls but never felt that “this is the one for me” feeling.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that if you both make God your common goal, things will be a lot easier. Just trust in God and keep an open mind as to where he may lead you. I am coming to realize that sometimes what we need isn’t what we want at the time.

God will call you to service in his vineyard where YOU need to be.

Ite in pace soror,
Joshua

 

[GeorgeLopez]

I know exactly how you feel. I have dated plenty of girls but never felt that “this is the one for me” feeling.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that if you both make God your common goal, things will be a lot easier. Just trust in God and keep an open mind as to where he may lead you. I am coming to realize that sometimes what we need isn’t what we want at the time.

God will call you to service in his vineyard where YOU need to be.

Ite in pace soror,
Joshua

I agree.

 

[faithfully]

My wife IS very attractive phisically. I have not cheated on my wife.

Right… so you could tell your wife all you’ve told us, going on dates, waiting for phone calls, buying gifts (very expensive gifts), and she’d say???

It’s true, according to George’s story, he has not had sex with the other woman.

See, you could be the sexiest man in the world. And all you would have to do is open your mouth and share how you really feel. Men lose their physical attraction when the show who they really are (edit to add, that is when they are crass, and self centered, and uncaring for others and such). I call it Brad Pitt syndrome.

The OP does not express that no one even wants to date her. She has not found a person she wants.

To, the OP. I’m sure you don’t have any problems finding someone who is attractive to you, whom you find attractive. It’s not that right? I imagine, it’s that you’re not connecting with personalities, emotions, ideal etc.

I’ve been married forever it seems. Less than many here however. If I were looking for a partner, I’d be looking at activities that I enjoy doing, or would like to try. I’d be making lots of new friends in those areas. Better odds finding that special someone there or newly acquired friends. Keep an open heart. However, just like trying to get pregnant when you really want it, it’s true in my observations you have to not be trying so hard. Enjoy the life you have and continue to be welcoming to adventure.

God is not tired of hearing your prayer.

 

[Irishmom2]

In my 20’s I met men at bars and out with friends. I am 38 years old and don’t have many single friends and am over the bar scene.
.

Lol, uhm… Maybe you should stop meeting men at bars?

And maybe you should take the time to read her post more carefully.

She goes on to say that she is not unattractive and keeps in shape, so that blows your whole other point to bits as well.