Love wife so much, but physical attraction is diminishing

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First off, we are both committed, practicing Catholics who believe divorce is not an option. Second, we love each other very much and want a deep, spiritual and, if possible, physical relationship (and only with only each other). We don’t do porn (but have each willingly seen some in the past and reconciled those poor choices with God).

My wife suffers from a collection of ailments that seem to be related to one or more autoimmune disorders. She copes with the hardships with food and to compound the issue has increased desire to overeat when something (including herself) tries to take control of that behavior. She seems to have resolved to being overweight and has adopted the big, beautiful woman mantra. No doubt with the right genetics some overweight women are attractive, but I just have visions of her mom or grandma.

All that said, I am finding it harder to find her physically attractive… to the point where I don’t even want to have sex very often. I don’t miss it really or look for other means of satisfaction. I feel like I’ve adapted to the situation. However, my continued turning down of her asking for physical intimacy has culminated over time to her feeling like I’m rejecting her entirely. She said she understands the other aspects in which I love her, but is really torn up by my lack of physical attraction to her and my drop in sexual desire.

I can go a couple months without it just fine where she’s asking for at least 3 - 4 times a month. What do we do about the huge difference in sexual desire?
 
Time for couples therapy…that said…Im not sure which autoimmune disorder, but perhaps it affects her ability to lose weight. Do fun outdoor things together…Do Paleo or whole 30 as a couple…encourage her…as in not weight loss but physical well being…whole foods helps
 
If you reject marital relations for a long period of time, it can be grave matter and a mortal sin. You married your wife for better or for worse. Maybe if you love her and have more relations with her, she may try to get in better shape.
 
If your wife’s physical are pretty much self diagnosed (although I am sure not completely) maybe it is time for some conversations with physicians. Overeating is generally a chosen behavior, and even if there is some physiological need for certain nutrients, that is where the help of a good dietician comes into play. Like Clara said, time for couples therapy, and maybe some good solid medical advise.
And, when a man marries, he does take the responsibility for his wife’s well being, and that includes her needs for intimacy. Charitably, you need a bit of professional help.
 
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There’s a lot about this post that bothers me at first glance, so apologies for the hostile tone this post will take.
Anon00 said:
My wife suffers from a collection of ailments that seem to be related to one or more autoimmune disorders.
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This is no joke. Have any appointment(s) been set up with reputable medical professionals/specialists? Have treatment options been looked at, like medication?
Anon00 said:
She copes with the hardships with food and to compound the issue has increased desire to overeat when something (including herself) tries to take control of that behavior
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This is something that a therapist or psychologist can assist with, specifically with how the mind works. There’s also support groups like Overeaters Anonymous. Have any of those been discussed?
Anon00 said:
I can go a couple months without it just fine
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Sure that’s wonderful for you. But what about her?
Anon00 said:
she’s asking for at least 3 - 4 times a month
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I am unsure if you are aware of this, but this is entirely reasonable on her part. She finds you attractive and wants to consummate the marriage. Once a week is very reasonable.
Anon00 said:
What do we do about the huge difference in sexual desire?
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Marriage counseling.

There’s a recurring theme in your post; it’s all about you. You find her unattractive, you don’t want to have sex with her. There’s no mention of trying to get her health looked at, and you’re placing your lack of physical desire over her desire for intimacy.

Sometimes crazy stuff happens in a marriage, and you need to roll with the punches. I developed a severe allergy to LIGHT, but my wife stayed with me, even though before medication I had to cover up my whole body.

It’s “in sickness and in health”, buddy. Roll with it.
 
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Maybe come at this from a different angle. The big is beautiful mantra is all well and good but the reality is that being overweight has health impacts. If she has autoimmune issues then those health impacts become even larger.

What about if the focus moved from looks and your attraction to her, to self-responsibility and health.

My husband nearly died twice from an autoimmune disease (it’s actually what lead me to Christianity) and when we were told to not plan too much for the future I completely ignored the doctors and made an eating and exercise plan for him. His medication and disease had made him very overweight and he was on oxygen 24/7. He couldn’t even go to the toilet by himself. A physio wouldn’t even touch him because his oxygen levels were so low so I researched everything myself and made a plan.

A year later he was 25 kilos lighter, off oxygen completely and has since made a miracle recovery. I think God had a very heavy hand in that but it took effort on our parts too.

My point is that by beginning this journey as a way to build up your wife physically and also mentally the side effects of that may fix your current problem and a whole ton more.
 
You’re say that the infrequency of sex in a marriage is a “mortal sin?” Is it intrinsically evil, too? 😎
 
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Intimacy can be more than just physical. Focusing on more emotional intimacy might also be therapeutic to you and her. It might even improve communication, problems solving strategies and redefine what you both see as attractive in one another.
 
Doesn’t scripture tell us not to deny the spouse. (at least not overly much) Even if you’re not much physically attracted to her at this point, it’s still an expression of self-sacrificing love to be open to physical intimacy and not deny it to her.

It seems that if she was more receptive to your needs, alternatively, she would make some effort to keep herself more in shape, but that’s not something you have any control over.

Just some thoughts.
 
I must admit, however, these things are easy for me to say. I’m a single chap. And have always been so. But one never knows.

I hope you two can get things worked out between you.
 
Blessings
Honesty! And pray for healing of her emotional food cravings. Take walks w her. Do things like dates.
I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, DDD, DJD. I’m bipolar on a low scale. More depressive than manic. Need manic to clean house more.I can be an emotional eater. I am 80#’s overweight.
My libido isn’t so great. I’m 70. My husband is 76. He has COPD & is in oxygen. He had his teeth removed for cardiac reasons. We spent $8000.00 on pure white teeth. He keeps getting a sore. We’ve had filing done multiple times. Hence, he isn’t wearing his teeth all the time yet. I live w Gabby Hayes and Papa Smurf. Also, Darth Vader. His color goes bluish If O2 drops. His oxygen machine sounds like Darth Vader.
If I were to kiss him w/o teeth, I’d fall in his mouth. SMILE! Of course, 76 yrs, means he’s not a stud muffin! God bless him, he still wsnts close moments. It’s a penance really. It’s also, a joke. One night, he thought my facial expression was happy. I was in excruciating pains in my hip slipping out of socket. I have stories.
Anyway, you’re looking at her body. Look at her Spirit. Feel the Love she has for you. I feel as we get older, we sort of still see ourselves like 19 & 26. If I look close, I see Gabby Hayes. CHUCKLE.
My husband says I’m still beautiful. The only reason he mentions my weight is concern for my health. That 80#’s is painful. She can see her doctor and get some meds to help start a diet. Adapex is a new drug. Garcinia Gambogia 1000 mg daily helps. Plus, taking a mild laxative at the same time. The GC increases metabolism and Laxative keeps things moving on.
Substitute something besides food for stress. Physical therapy helped. My body is a tad broken but if she gets an exercise program going she’ll feel better and stronger. An exercise can be substituted for food. Every time we get hungry, we need to drink a glass of iced water. Maybe a peppermint candy rarely. Do it w her. As a date.
Tell her you love her. She has beautiful eyes.
Ask God to help you. Read the Song of Solomon.
God bless you. Read Corinthians I-13: 1-8.
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice
 
Try to challenge each other, for example workout together. Set goals, for example, tell her if she loses a certain amount of weight (nothing drastic, 1-2lbs), you can be intimate, a reward system. If that feels too uncomfortable then try something else. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that maybe even you could try to be physically more attractive for your spouse, so if you start showing an interest in keeping yourself up, she might follow suit. Specifically if you are both feeling sexually exhausted, then try to spice things up, try different places, for example the kitchen, or even see a sex therapist. I hope you can work through this, I am sure it isn’t easy. Many Blessings to you and your spouse!
 
This might seem harsh, but as a woman I would want the man to tell me to lose weight.
 
I just want to say that your commitment to your dh is beautiful. You loved him, worked for the betterment of him, and somehow in that you found your way to God. That is unconditional love. Just Beautiful!

I’ve often lately said that my most important calling is to help my dh to Heaven, without losing my way.

Lyllie I’d also like a copy of your health/fitness plan you made up for your dh if you are willing to share it!. 🙂
 
teddy1 said:
Try to challenge each other, for example workout together. Set goals, for example, tell her if she loses a certain amount of weight (nothing drastic, 1-2lbs), you can be intimate, a reward system.
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A reward system? Really? I can already smell the “what the heck” feel of his wife then.
Yes, taking care of atractivity is part of respecting your partner needs, and yes, health reasons are nothing to take easy.
Dear OP, first search a good specialist for the immune disease. If not already done, tell your wife that you are worried about her and that she needs to take more care for her emotional and physical health. More like" I am worried as you don’t have energy to take care of your health and beauty" and not “it’s a reward system, please do your part”. Look for a marriage counselor. Some things are easier with a neutral third party. And- don’t stop sexual relations completely. Stay united physically.
 
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  1. Medical intervention and actual professional diagnoses. Autoimmune is nothing to play with.
  2. Specific thyroid testing
  3. Limit mealtimes to an hour and a half during 12 hours. Water only the other 12 hours. check out the Blood-Type Diet.
  4. Put yourself in her shoes.
  5. Join your sufferings, and hers, to Our Lord on the cross.
  6. Love her now before some other incident runs you both into each others’ arms, and you’ve more issues to deal with.
Blessings,
Mrs Cloisters OP
Lay Dominican
http://cloisters.tripod.com/
http://cloisters.tripod.com/charity/
 
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There is something called the marriage debt. A spouse cannot refuse relations for long periods of time unless there is grave reason, say marital infidelity. An an overweight spouse in my opinion is not grave reason to refuse relations. Read 1Corinthians 7:1-5.

Refusing the marital debt can be intrinsically evil if one spouse is trying to force the other spouse to do something sinful, like a spouse saying no relations for you unless you use contraception.
 
OP, I’m concerned that your original post seems to be all about you and your physical attraction or lack thereof for your wife and your own self, rather than about her autoimmune disorder and her health. I agree with the others who have said some marriage counseling is in order here.
 
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