Love wife so much, but physical attraction is diminishing

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Autoimmune disorders and things like PCOS for example can make it very hard for people to lose weight.
Even with reduced calories and less than others dieters calories, they still often can’t get the body to go into fat burning mode.
Depression eating/hedonic eating has been associated with a lack of dopamine in the pre frontal lobes of the brain.
Theoretically,stimulants that are used for ADHD have been theorised to be able to help weight loss in people with this kind of eating.
There are other medications too like in the below link.
It can be a hard situation you are in because many doctors often don’t want to help people with autoimmune disorders/put them in the too hard basket and at the same time you don’t want to risk offending your wife by buying her a gym membership present.

Hedonic hunger - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org en.m.wikipedia.org
 
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OP, if your wife has autoimmune issues, I hope these are being properly addressed by a qualified medical professional; from your post, it sounds like these may not be.

Beyond the above I agree with an earlier poster who said you seem to be making this all about you.

Has it occurred to you that your wife doesn’t feel good physically? That she may be suffering? Emotionally, her embracing the “big is beautiful mantra” could simply be a coping mechanism on her part. Your wife may not be any happier about the change in her figure than you are, OP, but doesn’t feel good enough physically, mentally or emotionally to do anything about it. Do you suppose your repeatedly rejecting her helps that?

Please reconsider how you’re approaching this, friend. I’m praying for you and your wife.
 
You asked for it! Actually, to deny the Church teaching on “intrinsic evil” would be heresy!
 
I think one pitfall of misinterpreting the Church’s teaching on marital relations is the all or nothing idea.
Intimacy is not required to be always sexual consummated. A couple can be very intimate without engaging in sex.

In fact, this is what courtship is about. It is non-sexual touching that builds a fire but doesn’t play in it. Married couples need to recapture courtship at various times.
 
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Presenting one’s errant and uninformed opinion as Church teach could qualify as well.

Want some Church teaching? Here you go…

(Excerpt from Veritstis Splendor)

“80. Reason attests that there are objects of the human act which are by their nature “incapable of being ordered” to God, because they radically contradict the good of the person made in his image. These are the acts which, in the Church’s moral tradition, have been termed “intrinsically evil” (intrinsece malum): they are such always and per se, in other words, on account of their very object, and quite apart from the ulterior intentions of the one acting and the circumstances. Consequently, without in the least denying the influence on morality exercised by circumstances and especially by intentions, the Church teaches that “there exist acts which per se and in themselves, independently of circumstances, are always seriously wrong by reason of their object”.131 The Second Vatican Council itself, in discussing the respect due to the human person, gives a number of examples of such acts: “Whatever is hostile to life itself, such as any kind of homicide, genocide, abortion, euthanasia and voluntary suicide; whatever violates the integrity of the human person, such as mutilation, physical and mental torture and attempts to coerce the spirit; whatever is offensive to human dignity, such as subhuman living conditions, arbitrary imprisonment, deportation, slavery, prostitution and trafficking in women and children; degrading conditions of work which treat labourers as mere instruments of profit, and not as free responsible persons: all these and the like are a disgrace, and so long as they infect human civilization they contaminate those who inflict them more than those who suffer injustice, and they are a negation of the honour due to the Creator”.132”

Surely, you do not still suggest to the OP that he is committing an intrinsically evil.
 
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My response below is not for most of you! Most replies have been charitable. Thanks!

My replies are taking forever to get approved. (Is this some normal protocol for new forum members?) I’m not denying her sex. I’m specifically wanting to accommodate her! Seems to be some quick-to-judge people here. Understand that I can’t give our whole life stories here (and im already long winded!). Benifit of doubt when considering replies would be good. I’m not asking for only approval, but it would be nice to not be assumed guilty of mortal sin and medical and physiological neglect without the opportunity to give the whole story.
 
OP, you are correct: We don’t have the entire story. For me, personally, if anything I said offended you, then I apologize. That was not my intent. However, I will point out that nothing in your first post addresses anything you’ve done to help your wife.
 
Some of the things I write are my theological opinion backed by sound arguments of logic, scripture, Saints Writings, and Church documents. Some of what I write is not opinion, but me trying to give what the Church teaches on certain doctrines, dogma, infallible, and non-infallible teachings.

Read Papal Encyclical Veritatis Splendor 79-83 talks about “intrinsic evil.”
 
Below is the reply I thought was waiting on approval. Judging from my ability to post earlier, I can try again… I’ll edit some possible trigger words to see if that helps.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Especially @tweedlealice - you sound like you have a really good marriage! My wife and I have joked about the Darth Vader thing with her full mask CPAP too lol. She has since switched to a nose-tube thing, so now she looks like an elephant instead 😃 but at least she feels more comfortable and we can talk in bed. Regarding making all the other ways in which I love her, we’ve had many conversations about it, and she understands but she really focuses on the physical and gets down about it, which contributes to a vicious cycle with food.

To @Tis_Bearself and others calling me out as selfish, there’s only so much I felt I could add to an initial post, so the original topic is centered around my attraction. We all have varying degrees of selfishness to deal with (self righteousness and assuming your self to know enough from a single post to evaluate a person as selfish is selfish too by the way — we all need prayers!). Read below for more info.

To those who brought up that we should seek professional help, we are. She’s already seeing doctors for the autoimmune stuff (and all the elated physical issues that come with that). She has a therapist to work out food stuff and other personal issues. I have an appointment next week for a doctor to figure out if there’s something wrong on my end. We have been and are taking steps to work out the issue. While we have been married for 21 years, we are both just turning 40 in June, so for her to start dealing with all this stuff at such a young age (relatively speaking) is unnerving. I want her in good health primarily so we can be together longer and secondarily (or even much less!) to be more physically attractive to me. (“Selfish ba stard!” You say?) Well, as I said, I’m rather indifferent to frequent “encounters”; my main concern regarding my feelings on her looks is to help me support her needs.

To those who say “suck it up”… I mean, yes… I logically agree with you; it’s part of my duty as a husband. I’m not trying to withhold the deed… I just need a little help considering the circumstances. It’s a little hard to get aroused when she’s straight-up asking “do you want to do it tonight?” as foreplay. I’ve suggested recently — again, so I can try to accommodate her desires! — that she not ask but just start in on things to get going, but she says she has seen a look of disgust before (I certainly haven’t tried to share that look!). But to say that the drastic changes in her looks due to compulsive eating and picking at sores is just something to look past… yes, I agree and want to! It’s obviously hard to deny if I’m unwillingly sharing reaction on my face. Regardless, I’m still a man, and enough fiddling with bits, and I’m sure I’d be worked up enough to do the deed. Now all this sounds like I’m a jerk… 😦 I’m really not trying to be!
 
You’re telling me to read Veritatis Splendor after I directly quoted it for you?
 
Once again, all I can say is “marriage counseling”. And if you are already getting your wife all the medical and psych help she needs, then discuss things like a diet or exercise program with a doctor.

If you’d led with “I’d like her to live longer so we can be together longer” and not with “I’m having a really hard time having sex with my wife” it would have sounded a lot better. But to be honest - I’m not really clear on why you are needing to share all your wife’s problems with an internet message board full of strangers anyway when you seem to have doctors already to talk to about the medical part and should be taking up the rest with someone skilled at giving counseling on this very personal and private issue.
 
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I never said the OP was commiting an intrinsic evil!?!?! I’m not sure how much longer I can respond to you, you are not reading or understanding what I am writing.
 
LittleFlower378 said:
Some of the things I write are my theological opinion backed by sound arguments of logic, scripture, Saints Writings, and Church documents. Some of what I write is not opinion, but me trying to give what the Church teaches on certain doctrines, dogma, infallible, and non-infallible teachings.

Read Papal Encyclical Veritatis Splendor 79-83 talks about “intrinsic evil.”
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I don’t think the word “intrinsically evil” is properly applied. Refusal of sexual relations may have justifications or mitigating circumstances. So whatever evil it might contain is not “intrinsic”.
Just a fine point…
 
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Read what I wrote. Its an intrinsic evil when a spouse withholds the marriage debt to force someone to use contraception.
 
Can be? An intrinsically evil act is so regardless of intention or circumstance. So, to say an act “can be” or can become intrinsically evil is quite the clumsy statement.
 
LittleFlower378 said:
I never said the OP was commiting an intrinsic evil!?!?! I’m not sure how much longer I can respond to you, you are not reading or understanding what I am writing.
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You’ve said that repeatedly on this thread.
 
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Please respect the OP and keep to his topic.
Thanks and God bless.
 
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