Making people feel awkward

[joshrp]

Hi,

It seems like I’m always making the people around me feel awkward. My parents seem to think there is something wrong with me. I don’t know what to do about this.

Joshua

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

Hi,

It seems like I’m always making the people around me feel awkward. My parents seem to think there is something wrong with me. I don’t know what to do about this.

Joshua

You do not have what is called “social skills”.
Though you are not endowed with those, you may learn.
Give your parents and friends a piece of paper and tell them to write down a list of features on you that make them feel awkward.
then, slowly, correct them, one by one, beginning by the easiest one.
As you get better people will feel less awkward and you will feel better what makes pwople even less awkward and so on.

 

[joshrp]

You do not have what is called “social skills”.
Though you are not endowed with those, you may learn.
Give your parents and friends a piece of paper and tell them to write down a list of features on you that make them feel awkward.
then, slowly, correct them, one by one, beginning by the easiest one.
As you get better people will feel less awkward and you will feel better what makes pwople even less awkward and so on.

Honestly, I think some people have a stick up their butt though. I have some really good friends and they don’t treat me like this. What most people call socializing is not real socializing. I think it is the other people who don’t have the social skills. They just kind of know how to stroke each other in the right way.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

The main question here is do you feel as though you are socially lacking? Do you wish you related to people better and your social interactions went better?

I know counselors get a bad rep for being people you go to when you’re “messed up” but all they are are people who know how the human brain works. They can help you get socialization and people skills that you need.

 

[joshrp]

The main question here is do you feel as though you are socially lacking? Do you wish you related to people better and your social interactions went better?

I know counselors get a bad rep for being people you go to when you’re “messed up” but all they are are people who know how the human brain works. They can help you get socialization and people skills that you need.

Honestly, I think I can socialize fine. Most other people just don’t know how to talk about ideas. Obviously there are plenty of people who do know how on CAF. But really, I think I’ve just been sticking to a very anti-intellectual crowd who doesn’t appreciate ideas. They just want to talk about movies and TV shows, and video games and rock music. I think I just need to stop hanging around these people and go find people who appreciate a thoughtful conversation. I talk about various subjects and people look at me like I’m crazy. And honestly to me, they don’t say anything that makes sense.

CAF has helped me a lot.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Honestly, I think I can socialize fine. Most other people just don’t know how to talk about ideas. Obviously there are plenty of people who do know how on CAF. But really, I think I’ve just been sticking to a very anti-intellectual crowd who doesn’t appreciate ideas. They just want to talk about movies and TV shows, and video games and rock music. I think I just need to stop hanging around these people and go find people who appreciate a thoughtful conversation. I talk about various subjects and people look at me like I’m crazy. And honestly to me, they don’t say anything that makes sense.

CAF has helped me a lot.

To be perfectly blunt - this statement is a bit of a red flag for me personally. But like I said - if you are happy with your life and the way things are going you are free to make your own choices. Just know that there are people out there who are ready willing and able to help you if you need it.

 

[johnr55]

I don’t know your age, but it sounds from your message that you’re young. I know that, especially in my teens, I was what we used to call ‘deep’. I was always more interested in ideas and serious subjects, not silly cr-p like most teenagers dish out. I was quite judgmental about it, feeling that others were the problem. Yes, I had a small circle of friends, and I got along with everyone but I wasn’t really interested in silly sports (still not!) and of course this was the sixties and early seventies on top of it.

It wasn’t until I got into health care work that I came to realize that I lacked the ability to make small talk-at all. I had to learn it, because when you’re taking care of the sick it is important to care, and care well. I spent years doing that. Now, in my fifties, I have learned that I enjoy making conversation with all kinds of people, whether in grocery stores, at Mass, anywhere. I still have the same interests I’ve had all my life, still not what most people would call ‘average’, but I can and do work at making others comfortable in my presence, no matter their background.

I can remember from that classic cult movie, “Harold and Maude” from the early seventies, when Harold, who was extremely uncomfortable with people, marveled at how Maude could make friends with complete strangers. She told him, “Well, they’re my species, aren’t they?” I try to live that day to day now, myself. If you want a Catholic example, read a little on the life of Pope John XXIII (1958-1963). He had that gift!

 

[Blenderx]

Honestly, I think I can socialize fine. Most other people just don’t know how to talk about ideas. Obviously there are plenty of people who do know how on CAF. But really, I think I’ve just been sticking to a very anti-intellectual crowd who doesn’t appreciate ideas. They just want to talk about movies and TV shows, and video games and rock music. I think I just need to stop hanging around these people and go find people who appreciate a thoughtful conversation. I talk about various subjects and people look at me like I’m crazy. And honestly to me, they don’t say anything that makes sense.

CAF has helped me a lot.

I’m glad you do have friends who understand you and that you are able to converse with. That said, you have made several generalizations in this post alone laying a negative judgement on others and putting yourself in the ‘superior’ category. It might be time to hold up the mirror of humility to your own faults and follies. If you can’t get along well with the majority of other people, then that is not the rest of the world’s fault. Logically, it is yours. If you don’t feel like changing that, that’s fine, it isn’t a sin, but it’s no use putting yourself on a pedestal either. It isn’t a sin or fault of character or intellect for people to casually and innocently converse about things like music and movies to relax and socialize. I know that, in Carmelite convents, St. Teresa of Avila forbade her nuns from making excuses not to attend recreation, even for prayer or some other good work. She considered it so important for the sisters to just take some time to relax, have light conversation and enjoy a little sport and community, though undoubtedly there would be a variety of temperaments and talents among them, that this holy Doctor placed an emphasis on this as part of their rule.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

I don’t know your age, but it sounds from your message that you’re young. I know that, especially in my teens, I was what we used to call ‘deep’. I was always more interested in ideas and serious subjects, not silly cr-p like most teenagers dish out. I was quite judgmental about it, feeling that others were the problem. Yes, I had a small circle of friends, and I got along with everyone but I wasn’t really interested in silly sports (still not!) and of course this was the sixties and early seventies on top of it.

It wasn’t until I got into health care work that I came to realize that I lacked the ability to make small talk-at all. I had to learn it, because when you’re taking care of the sick it is important to care, and care well. I spent years doing that. Now, in my fifties, I have learned that I enjoy making conversation with all kinds of people, whether in grocery stores, at Mass, anywhere. I still have the same interests I’ve had all my life, still not what most people would call ‘average’, but I can and do work at making others comfortable in my presence, no matter their background.

I can remember from that classic cult movie, “Harold and Maude” from the early seventies, when Harold, who was extremely uncomfortable with people, marveled at how Maude could make friends with complete strangers. She told him, “Well, they’re my species, aren’t they?” I try to live that day to day now, myself. If you want a Catholic example, read a little on the life of Pope John XXIII (1958-1963). He had that gift!

I don’t know how old you are…But I’m 26. Still “young” compared to many around here, but not in my teens! What is bothering me about your statements is that you seem to be really holding yourself in a “superiority” role. I know many people who have done this and they were, indeed, socially awkward. They rarely if ever kept long-term relationships with anyone because after a while, people got sick of feeling like “the inferior one” because they had different interests.

 

[Trishie]

So long as oneself is courteous, and respectful of the fact that others are allowed to be themselves also, without being judged or pressured. Most of us do the best we can manage. There are always people who don’t share various areas of interest even in one’s own family. We share with them in genuine caring, and we can additionally relate those who share our particular interests. This is really quite normal. If you’re an engineering genius, of course you’ll share that interest with those of like interest and education.

I knew a man whose interest was bugs of the crawling kind…and he shared this interest in great detail with anyone he encountered, regardless of their sensitivities. There was no other topic of conversation. I know some people dreaded encountering him. We don’t want to be that person who bores and discomforts others ad nauseum. Some sharing is appropriate. Too much is obsessive.

It would be a complete waste of time for anyone to speak to me about football for instance even if it’s their passion. I’d show polite and even warm courtesy as it’s important to them but I couldn’t care less personally. I listen and look and support my husband regarding his restoration of ancient small engines. I’ll never have a passion, and left to myself, no interest, but I give his interest every attention because it means something to him. This is life.

One respects others even if they don’t share one’s interest or perspectives and vice versa. If one disagrees on principle, one can say so clearly and simply without becoming heated or a nuisance. To become either heated or combatant, or judgemental, ensures that one will lose the advantage of the truth one is defending anyway, along with the respect that might have been given to your position or argument if one had been more respectful and reasonable.

People aren’t silly. They know if we think we are superior or that our position is superior, but even if it is, any perceived lack of respect and charity towards anyone loses our possibly-valid argument for us. As is attributed to St Francis of Assisi. “Preach, and if necessary, use words.” It wasn’t the words that my dear Dad used that caused the conversion of two members of my family in this last year since his death. It was the witness of true Christian spirit that my Dad gave.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

So long as oneself is courteous, and respectful of the fact that others are allowed to be themselves also, without being judged or pressured. Most of us do the best we can manage. There are always people who don’t share various areas of interest even in one’s own family.

It would be a complete waste of time for anyone to speak to me about football for instance even if it’s their passion. I’d show polite and even warm courtesy as it’s important to them but I couldn’t care less personally. I listen and look and support my husband regarding his restoration of ancient small engines. I’ll never have a passion, and left to myself, no interest, but I give his interest every attention because it means something to him. This is life.

One respects others even if they don’t share one’s interest or perspectives and vice versa. If one disagrees on principle, one can say so clearly and simply without becoming heated or a nuisance. To become either heated or combatant, or judgemental, ensures that one will lose the advantage of the truth one is defending anyway, along with the respect that might have been given to your position or argument if one had been more respectful and reasonable.

People aren’t silly. They know if we think we are superior or that our position is superior, but even if it is, any perceived lack of respect and charity towards anyone loses our possibly-valid argument for us. As is attributed to St Francis of Assisi. “Preach, and if necessary, use words.” It wasn’t the words that my dear Dad used that caused the conversion of two members of my family in this last year since his death. It was the witness of true Christian spirit that my Dad gave.

Once again, Trishie,

 

[Iron_Donkey]

It could also just be a personality thing. I personally am very introverted, and, like johnr55, have never been interested in what I tend to think of as the “silly” stuff. I, at least, have also always had to work very hard not to come across as arrogant (with dubious success), and quiet often forget that it’s necessary.

It might be worth taking a personality test - there are several decent online ones, though you should be a little careful of these - if only so that, if this is the issue, you can explain it to your parents. Of course, you must take any results with a grain of salt, but they can be useful. For example, I am very nearly a stereotypical INTJ (except my Catholic upbringing has made me more tolerant of legitimate authority), and tended to think many of things you said here, particularly about discussing what I consider “stupid things” rather than ideas. It was only after reading a little on the subject that I became aware of how I often appeared to people who just, frankly, don’t work like I do.

A link to the types of summary you would get: personalitypage.com/INTJ.html, typelogic.com/intj.html.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I think it is the other people who don’t have the social skills. They just kind of know how to stroke each other in the right way.

That would be the definition of “social skills.” Being kind and thinking of others before yourself, means submitting in charity to social customs. It does not mean compromising values, but respecting others and allowing yourself to not be the center of attention.

Or, you might be a little bit shy and not really get how it all works. Observe and mimic.

 

[joshrp]

I don’t know how old you are…But I’m 26. Still “young” compared to many around here, but not in my teens! What is bothering me about your statements is that you seem to be really holding yourself in a “superiority” role. I know many people who have done this and they were, indeed, socially awkward. They rarely if ever kept long-term relationships with anyone because after a while, people got sick of feeling like “the inferior one” because they had different interests.

I don’t think I am superior to anyone. Maybe you think I do, but it is not true. I’m just like everyone else. But most people treat my like I am different. Like I am less than human. They treat me like they are fine, and there is something wrong with me. Whenever people disagree with me they call me crazy or stupid. I don’t push my ideas on them, but if they ask me a question I tell them what I know. Sometimes people ask you for what you think, and then when you tell them, they act like you insulted them.

I had a conversation today with an aunt who asked about the priest abuse scandal. I explained why it happened and she accused me of saying that the people who were abused were responsible for what happened to them. Then she said I was obsessed with the Catholic church and called me an idol worshipper. She said I had no compassion.

I told her that I never said that the people who were abused were at fault. I said that the reason the priest abused people is because they did not take their vows of celibacy seriously. Then she started telling me I need psychiatric treatment.

I was very civil about it. Then she started insulting me, and I told her to stop talking with me.

That is just one incident. It is hard to be social when other people around you are hostile to your principles and beliefs. I don’t push my ideas on anyone. I have as much to learn from other people as other people do from me. I benefit from talking with other people. It’s when people start to treat me like what I know doesn’t matter, that I get aggravated.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

That is just one incident. It is hard to be social when other people around you are hostile to your principles and beliefs. I don’t push my ideas on anyone. I have as much to learn from other people as other people do from me. I benefit from talking with other people. It’s when people start to treat me like what I know doesn’t matter, that I get aggravated.

I hear that.

I also believe I have a lot to learn from others. When I think I’m right and shown to be wrong – and can learn from it – it helps me. I may talk a lot, but I like to understand just as well as to be understood.

Alan

 

[joshrp]

I hear that.

I also believe I have a lot to learn from others. When I think I’m right and shown to be wrong – and can learn from it – it helps me. I may talk a lot, but I like to understand just as well as to be understood.

Alan

I’m not about being right. I just want to be good and truthful and helpful to other people.

Honestly, I think people have been changing recently. Or at least I stop worrying about how other people perceive me.

People don’t usually tell me what they think of me, and I don’t ask.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

People don’t usually tell me what they think of me, and I don’t ask.

I didn’t get the lesson until too late in life, that I sometimes a well-crafted answer is better than an honest one.

Alan

 

[joshrp]

I didn’t get the lesson until too late in life, that I sometimes a well-crafted answer is better than an honest one.

Alan

Well, it has to help them understand what you are saying based on where they are at.

Is that true, do you think?

Like often times we can assume that the other person knows what we are talking about. I’ve done that a lot.

 

[puzzleannie]

Hi,

It seems like I’m always making the people around me feel awkward. My parents seem to think there is something wrong with me. I don’t know what to do about this.

Joshua

sounds like the people around you might have problems of their own, which does not make that your fault

make it your business when with other people to consider their comfort and needs before your own

 

[Trishie]

Josh, I imagine that the incident with your aunt, and the distress and frustration that her remarks caused you, has a lot to do with your posting this thread. It may be that you weren’t especially popular with your parents because your aunt was critical and extreme, and they liked none of that. Their mixed loyalty blew up in your face.

Perhaps, then, you need to recover, and to realize that you’re not as weird as they think. It’s not pleasant to be accused in the manner you were or to have any family see you in the light you mentioned. You’ve made the situation clearer, and thus more understandable. I’ve been called odd and different, especially when I was around your general age.

You can only speak the truth as you know it, and there was nothing wrong with what you did reply. I hope you can get through this and trust God in your life to continue supporting you when you do your best to do right by God and your just beliefs, while also handling things as wisely as possible. It’s not always easy but is sounds as if you’re doing your best.