Male-Female Friendship

[ThomasMT]

Of course it is perfectly possible. I am a woman and I have friends who are men where there have never been any kind of romantic feelings on either side.

Anything is possible, I suppose, but I still regard it as highly unlikely. Besides, even your anecdotal examples cannot fully account for the innermost, deepest inclinations of these men. You can only speak for yourself, assuming that you are fully honest with yourself… and that leads me to a question for you, if I may.

Are you married? If so, would you be comfortable if you husband was spending a fair amount of alone-time with a female best friend?

 

[C.laypersona]

See the second edit to the initial post.

 

[C.laypersona]

I believe this was much easier in a bygone era. Look at popular culture. Do we see good [man and woman] friends who do not have a romantic tension or backstory in films or TV shows?

Actually, [since 2,000 years ago and] until the 1950s or ’60s it was common sense [among Christian people], including in North America and West Europe, that non-related men and women (and adolescent boys and adolescent girls) should keep a healthy distance (both physical and emotional distance) from each other, unless a man were to intend to marry and would want to court a woman. Or why do you think that there were, for example, separate schools for boys and schools for girls? (By the way, I recommend seeing the film A Fiddler on the Roof, if you haven’t already.)

“Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all.” [CCC 2347]

That’s only one single and very brief general remark in the entire Catechism about opposite-sex friendship, and there’s no mention that all [devout (or striving-to-be-faithful) Catholic Christian] men have to or can be strictly only (close) friends with all [devout (or striving-to-be-faithful) Catholic Christian] women [– except for the men’s spouses or fiancées or the women who they court –], at both the behavioral and the emotional level.

 

[twf]

Our Lord and St. Mary Magdalene seemed to have a very intimate, and obviously completely non-romantic, friendship. So did, I believe, St. Francis and St. Clare.

 

[Zaccheus]

Can the average young man and the average young woman, who are both relatively healthy and of whom at least one is relatively handsome or pretty, can they be strictly ‘only’ friends (close friends but not romantically involved), and this at both the behavioral level and the emotional level ? (Obviously, this question is not about friendship between relatives.)

Yes.

Or can the average young or older man be strictly only friends with a young, healthy, and pretty woman; and can the average young or older woman be strictly only friends with a young, healthy, and handsome man; at both the behavioral and the emotional level?

Yes.

Or why would an unmarried young man (who’s also not a priest, nor a monk) and an unmarried young woman (who’s also not a nun) want to be strictly only friends (close friends) instead of seeking to date (in the ‘old-fashioned’ way, with the man openly courting the woman) and eventually marry each other?

Why not? Friendship is a good and worthwhile thing in itself. Why limit oneself by ruling out friendships with members of the opposite sex?

 

[Swiftdove]

I appreciate this ol way of life

 

[Swiftdove]

I think its personal choice and likelihood of particular people/
I like the traditional times of men not approaching women unless it was to court. Awesome.

Short story…When my husband approached me 3 years ago, and asked for my number… he called and asked if we could spend our days together. I said what are you trying to do? He said I’m trying to court you.

In general, I would steer away from opposite sex friends from my experience.
And as a life choice, my husband and i dont have friends of the opposite sex.
Unless there is a married couple we are mutually friendly with, but I correspond more with the lady and vise versa.

On the other hand, I’ve been in a relationship where my significant other was very friendly with many females, nothing sexual but STILL it bothered me alot and that’s not what I would want in a marriage.

 

[TheLittleLady]

there’s no mention that all men have to or can be strictly only (close) friends with all women, at both the behavioral and the emotional level.

And I don’t think any poster here made such an outrageous claim!

Actually, until the 1950s or ’60s it was common sense, including in North America and West Europe, that non-related men and women (and adolescent boys and adolescent girls) should keep a healthy distance (both physical and emotional distance) from each other, unless a man were to intend to marry and would want to court a woman. Or why do you think that there were, for example, separate schools for boys and schools for girls?

Separate schools does not mean there can be no friendship. I had friends who went to different schools.

Once again, Jesus had female friends. That was important enough to be recorded in Scripture.

There are many examples of Saints who had opposite sex friends. Perhaps learn about St. Margaret Mary Alacoque and Bl. Claude Colombiere or St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross.

 

[ThomasMT]

Our Lord is no mear mortal, as for the Saints… we don’t know what feelings they may or may not have fought or suppressed for the sake of their service to a far greater cause. Besides, are such extreme examples really the best that the argument can be based on? Most of us aren’t saints.

 

[CTBcin]

I’ve formed healthy, platonic friendships with a number of women over the years, some of whom were quite attractive. But for one reason or another, I did not have a desire to date them.

I did have, at one point, a close female friend who I completely fell head-over-heels for; and, while she was a kind and caring person, my feelings weren’t reciprocated. That didn’t turn out so well, as you can imagine.

So, my point is that it is possible to have a healthy male-female friendship that is strictly platonic. But at the same time, it can bring a certain level of risk for… complications, shall we say.

 

[Convert3]

I’m 63 years old and have had many female friends in my life, both when single and married. I’m honest with my wife and she knows about my female friends. I don’t see or talk to them as often as I would like out of respect for my wife. When I do meet them for lunch my wife knows about it and I don’t put myself in any awkward situations. Sometimes my wife joins us. Back when I was single I had a best friend that was also very beautiful. We had a great relationship, but neither showed any romantic interest. She dated others and told me all the “why aren’t there any decent guys out there” stories. When we moved away from each other we stayed in touch for a while, but after she married we only saw each other one more time.
It can be done. I’m another guy who relates better with women.

 

[twf]

It’s going to depend on a lot of factors. What if the man is 25 and the woman is 85? Not much chance of a romantic attachment forming there. I firmly believe genuine friendships can develop across both gender and age lines.

 

[do_justly_love_mercy]

Are you married? If so, would you be comfortable if you husband was spending a fair amount of alone-time with a female best friend?

I’m not married, although I am engaged and hoping to be married as soon as the pandemic and the British Home Office permit.

Perhaps it would be useful if I explain how we met. I was 22. I’d just moved from the US to the UK to study for my MPhil. He was 18 and was studying at the same college as an undergraduate. We met in freshers’ week and it was pretty much love at first sight.

I was aware, however, that we were at different stages in our lives, and I felt that that imposed an additional responsibility upon me. I’d been to college, lived in Berlin for a year, I’d had other relationships. I never wanted him to feel that I had him on a tight rein.

My fiancé has always had friends who are women, and I’ve never felt threatened by that. If I didn’t trust him, I wouldn’t be marrying him. I don’t think he has one best friend, but he does have a particularly close female friend whom he’s known since they went to secondary school together aged 11.

For the time being, I’m here in San Francisco and he’s over there in England. He has friends and coworkers who are women. Now that his sister’s followed him to Oxford, he also sees a lot of her friends. It honestly doesn’t worry me. I imagine I’m not the only woman who thinks that a handsome young policeman with an Oxford degree is a good catch, but I also trust that he’s not interested in anyone else.

 

[C.laypersona]

[C.laypersona:] “…there’s no mention that all men have to or can be strictly only (close) friends with all women, at both the behavioral and the emotional level.”

And I don’t think any poster here made such an outrageous claim!

Sorry for that; I should’ve typed: there’s no mention in the Catechism, that all devout (or striving-to-be-faithful) Catholic Christian men have to or can be strictly only (close) friends with all devout (or striving-to-be-faithful) Catholic Christian women – except for their spouses or fiancées or the women who they court –; or: there’s no mention that any ‘respectable’, decent man can be (close) friends with any ‘respectable’, decent woman; at both the behavioral and the emotional level.

Once again, Jesus had female friends.

Close friends? The word ‘friend’ has a variety of meanings.

Yes, Jesus has talked with women; He didn’t completely avoid their company. But we have not been told that they met regularly to drink tea and chat about how their day or week was and how they felt about ‘this’ or ‘that’; or to ‘philosophize’, or to play board games, or to go together to the theatre!

 

[twf]

The story of Mary and Martha suggests he did indeed socialize with women friends in an intimate setting.

 

[poche]

I think that for that situation to work you should meet only in very public places and say nothing that you would not want repeated in the presence of their significant other.

 

[TK421]

Some of my favorite people to hang out with growing up were girls in addition to boys. I was accused of being gay once but oh well.

The opposite sex sometimes has insights and ways of looking at things that a person can’t enjoy if they only ever hang out with the same sex.

 

[C.laypersona]

Our Lord is no mere mortal . . . Most of us aren’t saints.

Actually, while He was incarnated, in part He was a mere mortal (He, or His earthly body, died on a cross, after all, before His resurrection). But, yes, He definitely wasn’t an ordinary man (how many ordinary men can do miracles?) – though, ironically, in part because He was fully human (as He is Divine); the wholesomeness of His humanity also made Him extraordinary.

But this is rather irrelevant for this discussion, because, as I’ve said in my previous response here, He wasn’t ‘best friends forever’ with any a woman. (The argument of some that “He was friends with women” doesn’t stand if by ‘friends’ is meant ‘close friends’ – who ‘spend time together’.)

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The opposite sex sometimes has insights and [other] ways of looking at things…

Of course. But one can also talk with his/her female/male relatives (sister/brother, cousin) and/or with his/her ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’, fiancée, or spouse about all sorts of things.

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To those of you who say that they’re “guys who relate better with women” or “gals who relate better with men” [or who simply have close opposite-sex friends]: Do you practice chastity? [Do you try and strive to practice complete abstinence from any sexual activity? (Not merely celibacy, but chastity.)] Can you practice chastity – continually for at least half a year? [And:] Don’t you have any emotional troubles because of your close friendships with persons of the opposite sex? Or are you certain that your opposite-sex friends don’t have any emotional troubles because of your close friendship? For that’s what this discussion is about.

 

[CathoRick]

There’s much potential for one-sided or (unbeknownst to both parties) mutual attraction in male-female friendships, which can prove frustrating. I’ve been attracted to female friends who showed no obvious signs of interest in me. Likewise, I’ve had female friends make their interest in me VERY obvious (or a friend of theirs informs me of the attraction), and due to me not being attracted to them, it doesn’t go anywhere and the friendship fizzles once they have a boyfriend.

The majority of single female friends I’ve had (where there’s no obvious attraction) was during my childhood. Today, the women I see every week are acquaintances, whom I rarely (if ever) talk to outside of work/Church/etc… I suppose I’m more traditional-minded in that, if I want to spend more time getting to know a girl and hanging out with her, it’s because I want to be more than friends.

 

[C.laypersona]

I’ve had female friends make their interest in me VERY obvious (or a friend of theirs informs me of the attraction), and due to me not being attracted to them, it doesn’t go anywhere…

And what would be the noble thing to do in those sort of situations?