Marriage Dilema

[PhilXavier]

I have been married four years now, my wife is not religious but I am. The problem is, that whilst I have always been a Catholic, I have only recently started to take the teachings of the Church seriously. I stopped masturbating about a fortnight ago which I am finding a struggle to be honest. My wife does not have a high sex drive, but prefers to mutually masturbate instead. She will only consent to full intercourse once every couple of months. I don’t know how to tell her that I do not wish to carry on with the mutual masturbation. I fear it might mean the end of the marriage, as so far she has shown little tolerance to my faith, seeing it primarily as an inconvenience. I love my wife and do not wish to cause any problems in our relationship, and I am also thinking that causing the breakup of my marriage would be a graver sin than carrying on with the status quo. Could someone please offer me some advise as I feel that I am stuck between two evils? Thanks.

 

[Tybourne]

Could someone please offer me some advise as I feel that I am stuck between two evils? Thanks.

Phil, I offer you prayers but not advice. May Our Lord continue to strengthen you in purity through his precious Passion. The battle against lust is not won all in one go but gradually and painfully, in my experience. It’s one that lasts a whole lifetime from what I hear, but you have begun well. Our Lord bless you for it.

 

[flyingfish]

I have been married four years now, my wife is not religious but I am. The problem is, that whilst I have always been a Catholic, I have only recently started to take the teachings of the Church seriously. I stopped masturbating about a fortnight ago which I am finding a struggle to be honest. My wife does not have a high sex drive, but prefers to mutually masturbate instead. She will only consent to full intercourse once every couple of months. I don’t know how to tell her that I do not wish to carry on with the mutual masturbation. I fear it might mean the end of the marriage, as so far she has shown little tolerance to my faith, seeing it primarily as an inconvenience. I love my wife and do not wish to cause any problems in our relationship, and I am also thinking that causing the breakup of my marriage would be a graver sin than carrying on with the status quo. Could someone please offer me some advise as I feel that I am stuck between two evils? Thanks.

You can carry on with the mutual masturbation, but at the last moment you can put it in her and finish. It’s the finishing outside the woman that’s the problem, not other types of stimulation itself. It’s also fine for you to continue doing it to her after you finish. That would be consistent with Catholic teaching, and maybe your wife won’t mind if she’s on birth control.

 

[crazzeto]

You can carry on with the mutual masturbation, but at the last moment you can put it in her and finish. It’s the finishing outside the woman that’s the problem, not other types of stimulation itself. It’s also fine for you to continue doing it to her after you finish. That would be consistent with Catholic teaching, and maybe your wife won’t mind if she’s on birth control.

Of course as he takes Church teaching more seriously (going through some of this now) he’s going to find that he can’t support birth control either.

 

[anns82]

I would suggest picking up a CD on the Catholic approach to sexuality. The speakers are often very good at explaining the church’s approach, and it presents the truth within sexuality that our culture denies. If you are on a road trip, or can somehow listen to it with her and have an open and honest discussion about the topic, then you wont have to struggle to find the words to explain the perspective and at least your wife will have a better understanding of how you feel.

Your wife loves you, and at very least, women always want to know what men are thinking. I would recommend you not hide your thoughts from her. I think the truth and beauty in Catholic teaching is revealed through it’s profound understanding of love. It is a difficult teaching, but you never know how it will strike the ears of a person. Let her know that you hesitate in sharing this understanding because you do not want anything to come between you two, but it is not fair to keep her in the dark of how you feel. Our society harps on the men respecting the woman’s decision regarding sexuality, but women are called to respect the man’s decision as well. Also, never underestimate the value of prayer.

 

[Ron_Conte]

You can carry on with the mutual masturbation, but at the last moment you can put it in her and finish. It’s the finishing outside the woman that’s the problem, not other types of stimulation itself. It’s also fine for you to continue doing it to her after you finish. That would be consistent with Catholic teaching, and maybe your wife won’t mind if she’s on birth control.

The above post is not at all consistent with Catholic teaching.
See my article:
Questions and Answers on Catholic Marital Sexual Ethics
catechism.cc/articles/QA.htm

Masturbation (of self or of another person) is an intrinsically evil act; it is always gravely immoral. It does not become moral by being done before or after an act of natural intercourse. Anyone who commits this sin, even within marriage, commits an objective mortal sin. If this sin is committed with full knowledge that the act is gravely immoral, and with full consent, then the act is an actual mortal sin, which deprives the soul of the state of grace.

Masturbation, according to catholic doctrine constitutes a grave moral disorder, principally because it is the use of the sexual faculty in a way which essentially contradicts its finality, not being at the service of love and life according to the design of God. Every act of masturbation is objectively grave matter. Such acts are objectively intrinsically evil. Therefore, these acts cannot be justified, not by any intention, not by any circumstance or context.

Masturbation constitutes a very serious disorder that is illicit in itself and cannot be morally justified.

 

[flyingfish]

Of course as he takes Church teaching more seriously (going through some of this now) he’s going to find that he can’t support birth control either.

He won’t be the one using it, his wife would be. And there are plenty of questions about that in the Ask an Apologist forum that say it’s okay.

The above post is not at all consistent with Catholic teaching.
See my article:
Questions and Answers on Catholic Marital Sexual Ethics
catechism.cc/articles/QA.htm

Masturbation (of self or of another person) is an intrinsically evil act; it is always gravely immoral. It does not become moral by being done before or after an act of natural intercourse. Anyone who commits this sin, even within marriage, commits an objective mortal sin. If this sin is committed with full knowledge that the act is gravely immoral, and with full consent, then the act is an actual mortal sin, which deprives the soul of the state of grace.

Masturbation, according to catholic doctrine constitutes a grave moral disorder, principally because it is the use of the sexual faculty in a way which essentially contradicts its finality, not being at the service of love and life according to the design of God. Every act of masturbation is objectively grave matter. Such acts are objectively intrinsically evil. Therefore, these acts cannot be justified, not by any intention, not by any circumstance or context.

Masturbation constitutes a very serious disorder that is illicit in itself and cannot be morally justified.

It’s masturbation when you’re doing it solo, if your partner is touching you or you’re touching yourself during an overall sex act it’s called foreplay and it is okay as long as the man ejaculates inside the woman.

 

[Bookcat]

The above post is not at all consistent with Catholic teaching.
See my article:
Questions and Answers on Catholic Marital Sexual Ethics
catechism.cc/articles/QA.htm

Note: the above article and website is NOT recommended. It is not a good source for Catholic Moral Theology.

Instead go to the Catholic Moral Theologian Dr. Germain Grisez

twotlj.org/G-2-9-E.html

also

the books that Catholic Answers sells:

shop.catholic.com/product.php?productid=70&cat=25&page=1

shop.catholic.com/product.php?productid=16717&cat=20&page=2

 

[crazzeto]

He won’t be the one using it, his wife would be. And there are plenty of questions about that in the Ask an Apologist forum that say it’s okay.

This view point is inconsistant which Catholic Teaching, what you describe is cooperation with sin.

 

[momor]

I have been married four years now, my wife is not religious but I am. The problem is, that whilst I have always been a Catholic, I have only recently started to take the teachings of the Church seriously. I stopped masturbating about a fortnight ago which I am finding a struggle to be honest. My wife does not have a high sex drive, but prefers to mutually masturbate instead. She will only consent to full intercourse once every couple of months. I don’t know how to tell her that I do not wish to carry on with the mutual masturbation. I fear it might mean the end of the marriage, as so far she has shown little tolerance to my faith, seeing it primarily as an inconvenience. I love my wife and do not wish to cause any problems in our relationship, and I am also thinking that causing the breakup of my marriage would be a graver sin than carrying on with the status quo. Could someone please offer me some advise as I feel that I am stuck between two evils? Thanks.

This comment struck me. Has she explained why she prefers mutual masturbation over intercourse?

 

[flyingfish]

This view point is inconsistant which Catholic Teaching, what you describe is cooperation with sin.

Then why are Apologists on this forum saying that it’s not a sin to have sex with a contracepting spouse? Just search the Ask an Apologist forum. It would be a sin for him to contracept, but if his wife contracepts and he has sex with her it’s not his sin.

 

[bilop]

This view point is inconsistant which Catholic Teaching, what you describe is cooperation with sin.

Actually, as long as he tries to convince his wife to desist with contraception (periodically, lovingly, not as a constant nag) it is allowable for a husband to have intercourse with a contracepting wife, so as not to cause a complete breakdown in the marriage.

As long as he has mad his anti-contraception views clear, the sin is hers, not his.

This has been covered by the Apologists in multiple questions.

God Bless

 

[catharina]

I have been married four years now, my wife is not religious but I am. The problem is, that whilst I have always been a Catholic, I have only recently started to take the teachings of the Church seriously. I stopped masturbating about a fortnight ago which I am finding a struggle to be honest. My wife does not have a high sex drive, but prefers to mutually masturbate instead. She will only consent to full intercourse once every couple of months. I don’t know how to tell her that I do not wish to carry on with the mutual masturbation. I fear it might mean the end of the marriage, as so far she has shown little tolerance to my faith, seeing it primarily as an inconvenience. I love my wife and do not wish to cause any problems in our relationship, and I am also thinking that causing the breakup of my marriage would be a graver sin than carrying on with the status quo. Could someone please offer me some advise as I feel that I am stuck between two evils? Thanks.

First of all you needn’t worry about causing problems in your relationship.
You already HAVE problems in your relationship.

Were you married in the Catholic Church?
That’s a primary issue in determining what you might do next.

 

[flyingfish]

This comment struck me. Has she explained why she prefers mutual masturbation over intercourse?

Intercourse itself is generally not fulfilling for women, Very few can achieve climax due to intercourse alone, and some can even experience pain due to intercourse.

 

[catharina]

Intercourse itself is generally not fulfilling for women, Very few can achieve climax due to intercourse alone, and some can even experience pain due to intercourse.

Can’t even imagine why you think that.

 

[bilop]

Intercourse itself is generally not fulfilling for women, Very few can achieve climax due to intercourse alone, and some can even experience pain due to intercourse.

If she has pain, she should see a doctor, since there is likely a medical problem.

God Bless

 

[flyingfish]

Can’t even imagine why you think that.

Statistics. The woman’s sexual organ is the clitoris which is outside the vagina, vaginal orgasms are pretty rare. The studies I remember say it’s about 70% of women who are incapable of vaginal orgasms.

If the man doesn’t do oral sex or manual stimulation, he should not be surprised if his wife is not interested in sex with him.

 

[bilop]

Statistics. The woman’s sexual organ is the clitoris which is outside the vagina, vaginal orgasms are pretty rare. The studies I remember say it’s about 70% of women who are incapable of vaginal orgasms.

If the man doesn’t do oral sex or manual stimulation, he should not be surprised if his wife is not interested in sex with him.

That doesn’t mean they don’t find intercourse to be pleasurable, however.

God Bless

 

[momor]

Statistics. The woman’s sexual organ is the clitoris which is outside the vagina, vaginal orgasms are pretty rare. The studies I remember say it’s about 70% of women who are incapable of vaginal orgasms.

If the man doesn’t do oral sex or manual stimulation, he should not be surprised if his wife is not interested in sex with him.

What you say is true. However, it’s not the lack of stimulation he is referring to, it’s the lack of intercourse. The two are not mutually exclusive, so it is curious why she accepts one and not the other. There has to be a reason and it could be the solution to his problem.

 

[catharina]

Statistics. The woman’s sexual organ is the clitoris which is outside the vagina, vaginal orgasms are pretty rare. The studies I remember say it’s about 70% of women who are incapable of vaginal orgasms.

If the man doesn’t do oral sex or manual stimulation, he should not be surprised if his wife is not interested in sex with him.

You never noticed that the physical placement of the clitoris
allows for stimulation in the very act of intercourse?
That’s rather commonly known.