Marriage in 2009? What is going on!

[prodigalson12]

I keep running into women who are divorced. With many, I ask what led to it, and it seems like they opted out due to having issues that could have been worked out, that they are simply not willing to work through the hardships, like the vow they took was only temporary and quite conditional.

These times we live in, total contrast with the trends as to how it should be. I feel like an outsider here, thankfully so to a degree, yet tread through muddy waters on the dating scene when it comes down to it. I’ve never been married and this is entirely because I believe it’s something you only do for life. I take it very seriously, so sharp contrast, and I have no desire to get involved with someone that’s taken it so lightly in the past.

 

[JanetF]

IMO it’s much easier to get a divorce since (no-fault) divorces were accepted, than it is to “work it out”. Some people don’t think you should have to “work” at a marriage.

I’ve been married for 23 years and I attest to the fact that it takes a LOT of work.

 

[whatevergirl]

***People taking marriage very lightly, in our day and age, is definitely more common that not, sadly.

But…even though those women gave you reasons, without living with a couple day in and day out, it’s hard to really say what went wrong in the marriage. They might not tell you, someone they don’t know well, what really went wrong, especially if they were at fault.

"Hey, how are ya, My name is Sharon, and I’m divorced because I cheated on my husband…(because I was a drug addict, because I was abusive, because I treated my husband badly, etc…fill in the blank)

Doubtful any man would be smitten.

Visa versa if a man said it.

Cheating, drugs, abuse, are understandable reasons why people split up, but I do hear you…it seems like MANY couples just don’t want to put the effort in, to fix what’s wrong.
***

 

[whatevergirl]

***Agree, Janet…it does take work.

I mean…we work hard for our employers, take care of our cars, take care of our bodies, etc. etc…Why do we think that we can treat marriage differently? I say we, as in a collective, societal ‘we.’

I think that so many people marry for the wrong reasons…or marry the wrong person. That can also be it. They rushed into something, without thinking it through.

If more couples realized that it takes total surrender of self (not our identities, there’s a difference) when entering into a marriage, there would be less divorce. There will always be distractions, temptations, subtle nuances that arise in a marriage, as time goes on…BUT…if you wake up everyday, saying to yourself…what can I personally do to contribute to my marriage today, you are on your way to a forever marriage.

Just like the lil guy holding the sign up below says…“What have you done for your marriage today?” Nothing? Then get to work! ***

 

[chevalier]

I had to roleplay divorce mediation today for a course.

 

[ModsAreStupid]

Hello, yes it’s me again. No, I won’t give up my protest. How can you call yourself Christians? The Mods on this website are jerks, so I’ll protesting until they un-ban my previous usernames and apologize for their wrong doing. I will protest everyday until they make the peace…

Rules of the forum:

1. If you support any sort of view that is different than what the mods believe, you will be banned. Discussion is not open for different and new ideas. Even if Catholicism is making a mistake, we support tradition.
2. Everything the Catholic Church has ever done has been infallible. Therefore, there is no need for you to question anything about Catholicism, the Church is perfect. If the Church told you to kill someone, you should do it, no questions asked.
3. Any rude and ignorant comments to others stating “You are not a true Catholic if you voted for Obama” will be accepted and is encouraged.
4. God didn’t give you this conscience to use for yourself. You must substitute other peoples judgment for your own, and never question them, because their judgment is better.
5. If you child someday asks you if they should use a condom, you should tell them “No, let yourself get HIV instead.”
6. Stupidity and loss of common sense are encouraged.

 

[whatevergirl]

I had to roleplay divorce mediation today for a course.

***What was the cause for divorce? The woman cut her hair shorter without asking her husband’s opinion?

I HAD to…I just couldn’t resist…

Forgive me, chev. :bowdown2:



Seriously, how did it go? ***

 

[Ridgerunner]

There sure are a lot of divorced twenty-somethings out there. For thirty-somethings, it’s even higher.

I have to wonder sometimes whether it’s maybe not so much that people find divorce so easy as that they go into marriage with the wrong attitude. I truly do wonder how many go into a marriage figuring it really is a lifetime commitment, come what may.

 

[Bobby_Jim]

I have to wonder sometimes whether it’s maybe not so much that people find divorce so easy as that they go into marriage with the wrong attitude. I truly do wonder how many go into a marriage figuring it really is a lifetime commitment, come what may.

I would agree with this…

In addition to not quite being willing to make lifetime committments, people also have unrealistic expectations, that it’s going to be all kissy-kissy and walks on moonlit beaches and such. It’s not, and people need to be ready for that, and not get disillusioned. I think it’s when disillusionment sets in, that people just start to say, “well this really stinks”, and each day they get a little more sad, a little more resentful, and pull away a little bit more, until it’s easy to accept divorce as a way out.

This is not to say that people should just have lower expectations. But it really has a lot to do with keeping a positive outlook, and looking at your spouse every day, and making a decision and a conscious effort to hold them in high esteem, even when it’s really hard because it seems they are taking you for granted, or absorbed in the kids, or not watching the budget, or whatever. When you say “I love you” to your spouse, it is a statement about an action and a choice, not just a feeling.

 

[prodigalson12]

There sure are a lot of divorced twenty-somethings out there. For thirty-somethings, it’s even higher.

I have to wonder sometimes whether it’s maybe not so much that people find divorce so easy as that they go into marriage with the wrong attitude. I truly do wonder how many go into a marriage figuring it really is a lifetime commitment, come what may.[/QUO"TE]

The dynamic I’m seeing, it has a lot to do with maturity levels. As we move forward in time, people mature at a later and later date, These people getting married in their early 20’s have not yet defined who they are, their values, their priorities, their very personalities themselves, by the time they reach their 30’s, they find too often that the person their married is no longer compatable.

 

[Bobby_Jim]

The dynamic I’m seeing, it has a lot to do with maturity levels. As we move forward in time, people mature at a later and later date, These people getting married in their early 20’s have not yet defined who they are, their values, their priorities, their very personalities themselves, by the time they reach their 30’s, they find too often that the person their married is no longer compatable.

I think this is very true too. People in their twenties (especially college grads) are still in flux. People in their thirties are set in their ways. The right time to get married is at age thirty. Has worked so far for my wife and I! (OK, I was 29).

 

[Sarabande]

I agree with everything said so far. I’d like to add that my generation (20s-30s) is one where so many saw their own parents’ marriages fail. These people had no real role model of what a marriage is about. I remember the year I turned 12, the parents of my two closest girlfriends at the time got divorced. It actually frightened me that somehow my parents were also going to split up, since so many of my friends’ parents were doing it. But my parents are still married and going strong for 30+ years. They were great in that they showed their love or each other and for us in front of us and also when they fought. We always saw how they worked their problems out and how they still loved each other after an argument. I was fortunate to have that role model, but so many of my peers did not have that.

Many young adults today just have not grown up to believe in any kind of continuity and steadfastness in marriage. They saw their parents fight and give up, rather than make it work. Now, I’m not talking about abusive relationships. It’s more of the seemingly power struggle that some couples have. No one wants to be as one. They have this idea that if they become one, they lose their individuality, which is so untrue. They don’t understand the concept of give and take and compromise and don’t understand that marriage and love is work. Sometimes it’s very easy work and sometimes it’s very hard. And many don’t understand how marriage involves God.

This is another reason why so many don’t want to make a real commitment… they are afraid of having a failed marriage like their parents, so they prefer to play house since there would be no strings attached if that failed. I know I’m generalising, but just from knowing my own peers, this is the case in many ways.

I will say this, though. Within the past year, I have read a couple articles and have seen at least one news video that because of the state of economy, couples who would normally get divorced are deciding to stay together and trying to work things out. Why? The main reason is that divorce is very expensive and people can’t afford it. I have also seen this personally in my own family, where they decided to try to work things out because they both can’t afford getting a divorce.

 

[Sillara]

prodigalson12:

The dynamic I’m seeing, it has a lot to do with maturity levels. As we move forward in time, people mature at a later and later date, These people getting married in their early 20’s have not yet defined who they are, their values, their priorities, their very personalities themselves, by the time they reach their 30’s, they find too often that the person their married is no longer compatable.

That is actually not a result of “moving forward in time”. It is a result of permission and expectation. People can act like immature 12-year-olds at 22, so they do. They are not expected to behave as adults, so they do not.

It is not necessary; it is not a result of “moving forward in time”.

I know that when I got married at 22, I was the oldest one in my family to marry. My sisters were 20 and 19, respectively. Oh, and 12 years later (10 for the 19 year old), we’re all still married. We were raised to take responsibility for our actions, including the act of marrying. My husband and I are doing the same for our children. At 10, my eldest daughter is more mature than many of my friends at 30+. Of course, she is not planning to marry. For two years now she has been talking about her call to the religious life.

 

[Sarabande]

The dynamic I’m seeing, it has a lot to do with maturity levels. As we move forward in time, people mature at a later and later date, These people getting married in their early 20’s have not yet defined who they are, their values, their priorities, their very personalities themselves, by the time they reach their 30’s, they find too often that the person their married is no longer compatable.

I think there is some truth in this statement. Because people are living longer, they encourage younger adults to be more like youths. When our grandparents were in their teens, some probably were already out in the world making a living. They had to grow up much faster than we did. At the same time, I also believe that people are people no matter what century. I read a lot of historical biographies of people and they really aren’t that much different from us now, except for the century they are living in. They were still different people at 15 and 20 as they were at 30 and 40. The difference is that when most people married in the past, they really did take it seriously and did not believe in ending a marriage even if people really did become incompatible.

Even today, I know older couples who have been married for decades, but sometimes I wonder why they married each other in the first place because they both seem so bitter and horrible to each other. Then it makes you wonder what it was like for the children. In one particular case, that kind of relationship actually was detrimental to the lives of a couple of their children. It can make it difficult for someone who came from that kind of family life to want to stay in a marriage if they fear it may end up like their parents. I’m not saying that’s the right way of thinking, but it does happen.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I think there is some truth in this statement. Because people are living longer, they encourage younger adults to be more like youths. When our grandparents were in their teens, some probably were already out in the world making a living. They had to grow up much faster than we did. At the same time, I also believe that people are people no matter what century. I read a lot of historical biographies of people and they really aren’t that much different from us now, except for the century they are living in. They were still different people at 15 and 20 as they were at 30 and 40. The difference is that when most people married in the past, they really did take it seriously and did not believe in ending a marriage even if people really did become incompatible.

Even today, I know older couples who have been married for decades, but sometimes I wonder why they married each other in the first place because they both seem so bitter and horrible to each other. Then it makes you wonder what it was like for the children. In one particular case, that kind of relationship actually was detrimental to the lives of a couple of their children. It can make it difficult for someone who came from that kind of family life to want to stay in a marriage if they fear it may end up like their parents. I’m not saying that’s the right way of thinking, but it does happen.

I wonder, too, whether somehow marriageable people think of marriage solely in terms of romance and sex, when rearing children is fundamental to marriage. Recognizing that some cannot have children for physical reasons, still, there is adoption. Companionship with a like-spirited person is not necessarily the most compelling motivation, since there may be a great number of others who could fill that role. No one, however, can properly fill the role of one’s children except one’s children.

It is often thought to be unworthy to “stay together for the sake of the children”. But it seems possible to me that such a motivation might cause one to redouble one’s efforts to make the relationship work; perhaps shedding some personal goals in the process.

When natural-born American citizens average, what is it? 1.6 children per couple, one has to seriously question the level of commitment many people contemplating marriage really have to it.

 

[whatevergirl]

I wonder, too, whether somehow marriageable people think of marriage solely in terms of romance and sex, when rearing children is fundamental to marriage. Recognizing that some cannot have children for physical reasons, still, there is adoption. Companionship with a like-spirited person is not necessarily the most compelling motivation, since there may be a great number of others who could fill that role. No one, however, can properly fill the role of one’s children except one’s children.

It is often thought to be unworthy to “stay together for the sake of the children”. But it seems possible to me that such a motivation might cause one to redouble one’s efforts to make the relationship work; perhaps shedding some personal goals in the process.

When natural-born American citizens average, what is it? 1.6 children per couple, one has to seriously question the level of commitment many people contemplating marriage really have to it.

***I have two kids, I don’t think it’s fair to ‘judge’ the quality of someone’s marriage, if someone doesn’t have more than 2 kids, on average. ***

 

[msugeotech]

I think it was that hubby wouldn’t shave, therefore compromising the wife’s personal “safety”…

***What was the cause for divorce? The woman cut her hair shorter without asking her husband’s opinion?

I HAD to…I just couldn’t resist…

Forgive me, chev. :bowdown2:



Seriously, how did it go? ***

 

[whatevergirl]

ha!

 

[3GirlsRUs]

Agree, Janet…it does take work.

I’m not going to disagree entirely that marriage is work.

However, am I alone in the idea that if you do a lot of work selecting your spouse, the marriage is less work?

DH and I celebrate our 10th anniversary in July this year…and I have been reflecting on the last 10 years and while I would say bearing and rearing the children have sometimes felt like “work” and making decisions to expand the family or not have sometimes felt like “work”…I haven’t felt (yet) that I have really had to “work” on my marriage…maybe it’s just me.

Or maybe those things I described are one-and-the-same with marriage…that’s probably it.

 

[Ridgerunner]

***I have two kids, I don’t think it’s fair to ‘judge’ the quality of someone’s marriage, if someone doesn’t have more than 2 kids, on average. ***

Nor did I say I did. Nor did I intend to cause offense. Every person and every couple has their own situation, and I do not purport to judge them.

That being said, it apparently does require 2.11 births per woman to sustain the population. Obviously, to have a 2.11 birth rate, someone must have 3 or more in order to counterbalance those who have two, one or none. Since declining populations never seem to confer any benefit on a society, but seem to be detrimental, and since populations have, by and large, been able to maintain themselves historically until now, one must wonder whether there is something new going on that has caused societies to begin voluntary self-disintegration. That’s not to say (nor do I believe, in the main) that most people think of it in that way. People think of it in terms of their own circumstances; physical, emotional and economic. Still, as with Western Europe (and among non-Hispanic Americans) populations are in decline, one has to wonder what is now different from what it was formerly. How do people now think differently from the way they once did? And in what ways does that difference in thinking extend into areas other than just “how many kids do we want?” Does the fact that it has ramifications for society as a whole, also suggest that it has ramifications for the individuals involved?

Certainly, when a couple decides that they will limit their family to one or two or no children, they may be doing so in complete harmony with the Church’s teachings. But perhaps not, and that’s for each to consider in a serious way.