Married Catholics Protestant couples, please give me your advice

[IlovemyChurch]

Very simply, you go through the hardest times in your lives together and you come out stronger. I appreciate your newlywed zeal; my DH and I had that knocked out of us a year into our marriage when I began having some major health problems. They took a year to resolve and in that time we grew from the lovey-dovey newlyweds we were into that solid one flesh union that long time married people have.!

I am sorry to hear about your illness. I hope whoever was ill has recovered and it wasn’t serious.

I still don’t think my original point is invalidated.

Spiritually speaking, Catholic AREN"T in Communion with non-Catholics.

Noone can argue out of it because it’s an unarguable fact.

and for me, personally, not to be in a spiritual communion with someone I am in physical communion with, would feel incomplete, and like I was lacking the TOTAL and COMPLETE union of ourselves that is possible.

So, if one already finds themselves in that situation, well then you just have to cope with it.

But to actually marry INTO that, knowing that, is, I believe, a totally different issue.

on a semi-related note:

If I was ill, what I’d want would be to pray the rosary with my spouse, have them pray the divine mercy chaplet with me at 3 o’clock, start praying Novenas to the Saints with me, bring me holy water, arrange for the Communion to be brought, the Sacrament of the sick to be administered by a Priest…

all stuff I think would be a lot more likely to happen if one is married to a Catholic than a non-Catholic.

 

[IlovemyChurch]

Thank you again for all your advice, I know some of it may be hard for me to hear,

Also, I was thinking that maybe I could ask my priest to meet with us and try to help us, or give us some advice. Do you all think this is a good idea? Do priests meet with couples in this situation on a regular basis, or are they usually to busy for something like this?

You’re right; it is very difficult to hear.

I have asked questions on here in the past, and have sometimes even got angry at the repliers because their answers have seemed so…harsh.

However, in the depths of my heart I knew that they were right, and what they were saying was true; my reaction was because I didn’t want them to be right.

You might find speaking with your Priest helpful. In my experience, lots of priests have good expereince with marriage and how people live it (thanks to hearing lots of confessions, and some diocese also require parish priests to do marriage counselling courses).

So you can ask his opinion.

My advice would be, initially, to go alone to speak with your Priest, as then you are both more freely able to speak about your true feelings, as opposed to being contrainted by the fact your fiance is there.

good luck, God bless.

 

[Doggy]

The keyword is TOLERANCE,find common ground then let the children decide what to choose without fear from the parents of either side…

 

[Lila_Jane]

Hi, I’m a Baptist married to a Catholic for 30 years…and it has truly been HARD. I promised to raise the children Catholic, which we did. I go with him to church each Sunday so we can have family unity. However, his refusal to go to my church and to even recognize it as a “real” church has hurt me beyond words. God never meant for marriage to discount a spouse…to me that is NOT a marriage at all. So, my advise would be that the marriage can work and be wonderful ONLY if each spouse is considerate and is there for the other when needed. Remember it is their life too…not just the Catholic’s and the for the other to just revolve around the Catholic rules! IF marriage is a sacrament, then it involves more than “my way or the high way.” Remember love?

 

[Lila_Jane]

p.s. There is no way in this world I’d EVER become Catholic because of the inconsiderateness of the Catholic in their demands on the non Cathollic. How can you even consider that a marriage in Christ?

 

[amills]

I have refused to go to my spouse’s church also. The reason was that when I went there was too much bashing going on. They didn’t even know they were bashing Catholics. Lila Jane - perhaps this is the reason your husband will not go to your church. I also don’t like to go to Protestant Bible studies because I have seen where thier comments are in opposition to the Catholic Church - clearly sola scriptura and sola fide. It was just too hurtful to go to his Church and listen to them say things that I did not consider Christian at all. Maybe your husband felt the same way.

Have you been through RCIA? Do you pray with your spouse at home? My husband has refused to read anything Catholic. However our lives revolve around living good moral lives and following the teachings of Christ as we know them. We each respect each other.

 

[Lila_Jane]

Yes, I have been to RCIA I think 4 different times over the years…I enjoy the study (it’s the only study offered at Catholic church so I go and it’s just for a few weeks in the spring). And, I do read Catholic things he brings to me…He, however would never read anything. I do agree that some protestant churches offend Catholics…even me. And, I’m really glad the children are Catholic…I just can’t get over his harshness.

 

[smallcat]

Can you do it successfully? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Is it hard? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

DH and I have been married 13+ years and dated for 5 before that. We now have 3 kids with #4 on the way. He has been a life-long, dedicated Presbyterian while I consider myself an orthodox Catholic. Long before we married, we agreed that if we were to marry (and this was a condition for me), our children would be raised Catholic. This was-- is-- extremely important to me, and he knew this and not only respected our agreement, but has been truly supportive in the raising of our kids Catholic.

In my opinion, your and your fiancee’s attitude about the whole thing is paramount. Is he not only tolerant but **supportive **of your faith and spirituality? Is he willing to attend Mass with you? Similarly, are you willing to pray with him in ways which are comfortable to him? Are you willing to support him in his faith journey as he attends church with another congregation? Also, you must both enter the marriage with no expectation of the other converting at some point. You must be willing to accept the real possibility of your being married to a devout Protestant for the rest of your lives!

My DH was very active in a local Presbyterian congregation for many, many years. Until our first child was born, we attended 2 services: Mass at 9 AM, followed by worship at his church at 11:30. Sundays were not what I would call relaxing. He was a deacon and spent many evenings at his church, involved in various ministries and church activities. I had to learn to be supportive of this, as I truly believe it brought him closer to the Lord and was beneficial for his soul. At the same time, he attended social functions at my parish with me and we became comfortable with and a part of both communities. While there were a few isolated (and memorable!) exceptions, almost everyone at his church was supportive of our relationship. While we had plenty of theological discussions, they were mostly respectful and never did I experience the Catholic-bashing so many have. I really felt welcomed in his congregation. In contrast, some Catholics at our parish were not so charitable

Once our babies came along, going to 2 services became impractical. I stopped going to his service, but he continued to come to Mass with me, in no small part to help with the kids. He is encouraging of them when they attend CCD, he asks questions, he encourages them to be respectful during the consecration. He prays with them in the evening and makes it clear the importance of God in his (and our joined) life together.

I could go on about how I believe this relationship, our marriage, has led us both closer to Christ. Have I ached for him to enter the Church? Of course. I understand John 17 better than I ever, ever hoped to. Do I yearn to share the Eucharist with him? Absolutely. It is one of the great heartaches of my life. Do I feel blessed to have him as my spouse? Has he brought me closer to God? Without a doubt.

Sorry for rambling, it’s a topic about which I am passionate.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my DH did enter RCIA this fall-- Praise God!)

 

[aurora77]

Ilovemychurch–Thanks, I’m all better now. It was very serious and DH stood by my side and took such good care of me. On a side note, from our experience, I don’t think a married couple can truly know the depths of what it means to be “one flesh” until their marriage is tested. In the same way, we can’t know how committed, how true our faith is, until it is tested. You may doubt this, but I absolutely know that I am fully one flesh with my husband (as close as we can be here on earth). As was said in the book of Tobit (6:18)“she was set apart for you before the world existed.” I truly believe that is what DH and I share, we were set apart for each other before the world ever was. Call it sentimental claptrap, but it’s true.

That being said, I think anyone who is even thinking about getting married needs to seriously pray over the issue. Marriage is serious and will have its difficulties, no matter how compatible the couple is.

Catherine–I think talking to your priest is a wonderful idea. He’s probably had quite a bit of experience dealing with this issue and can give you great advice.

I know I’m a minority on this board, but I feel that God puts us together with the spouse He intends for us and then finds a way to make that work. If that person is Catholic, great, if not, and it is truly God’s will and not just a desire on our part, great as well. After all, we’re talking about fellow Christians here, not Buddhists, or Muslims, or any other non-Christian sect.

 

[Catherine_W]

Thank you all again for your advice and for sharing your experiences. These last few posts have really given me hope. I hope through lots of prayer and respect for each other my fiancé and I will be able to have a successful marriage and bring each other and our future children closer to Christ.

I also have another question, and this maybe is a bad thing to ask, but I was wondering: are their couples out there who are in a Catholic Protestant marriage who think that if they realized the difficulty of a mixed faith marriage before they were married, that they would have ended their relationship with their fiancé at that time? So I guess what I’m saying is, If you knew what you know now, would you have done things differently in regards to entering in to a Catholic - Protestant marriage?

 

[jmcrae]

Catherine;

I know of a situation right now where one parent in a mixed marriage is being deceived about where his children are on a certain day of the week. (He refuses to permit them to receive a Catholic education; she is refusing to admit the possibility of not having this.)

This cannot be good for the marriage, and it is definitely not good for the children - parental authority is being undermined; they are actively being taught by one parent to lie to the other.

How can we say, “Honor thy father and thy mother,” if in order to get to come and hear this lesson, they must show dishonour and disrespect to one of their parents?

Realize above all that the man you marry is going to be the father of your children. They must be able to respect him, obey him, and be able to be totally honest with him in everything.

You must both be on the same page as to where you will send your children for their religious education and where they will go to Church - and it can’t be, “Well, oooookaaaay, if you say so” on the part of either you or him. You both have to be totally on board with it, and ready to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to take care of your kids and make sure they get everything they need.

 

[st_michael]

So I guess what I’m saying is, If you knew what you know now, would you have done things differently in regards to entering in to a Catholic - Protestant marriage?

Yes… I would have followed the teachings of the Catholic Church…

The teachings of the Catholic Church allow a Catholic and Protestant to marry… however, it also requires the children of such a marriage to be raised with the Catholic Faith and all that implies… This is not negotiable if you profess to be Catholic…

You cannot take the good out of the Catholic Faith and leave what YOU believe is either bad or non-important… If you truly profess to love the Catholic Faith you love it with your whole heart and your husband (or fiancée) is not first on your list…

It is true you may be meant for each other… God may have you as the Evangelist in his life to show the TRUTH of the Catholic Church… but you must not yeild the Truth to appear to get along…

My wife does not have problems with me saying the Rosary, repeating prayers, doing the sign of the Cross and all other things most people associate as Catholic… but she does not do them… and she will not teach my children they are good… This is a problem…

She will allow me to teach… but if my kids (your children will ask your husband) asked her she cannot honestly teach the Catholic Faith. She more than likely would tell them what she believe’s (which may or may not be Catholic). This seems OK… but it is not… because the Catholic Faith is not the Cafeteria Faith that the Protestant/Catholic relationships have created…

I strongly suggest you look within yourself and know if the Catholic Faith is important to you…

The biggest issue between the Catholic Faith and Protestant Faith is Authority and the Obedience of that authority…

What does Catholic and Protestant mean?Catholic = universalProtestant = ProtestA choice will be made… The choice is not about YOU… it is about your future children and your spouse… Allow Jesus and his Church to guide you… even when it may not be what you want…

 

[jillyuga]

I was raised Methodist, but after marrying my Catholic husband I began going to Mass with him. He is not especially devout and for years early in our marriage we didn’t attend church at all. He was almost resentful of his faith because his father badgered him constantly about going to church and his non Catholic choices- including marrying me. We were married in the Catholic Church and I agreed to raise our children Catholic. Once our daughter was born we baptized her and attended Mass more reguarly, but not a lot. Now that she is 6 and our second daughter is 3, my husband has decided that we should attend Mass weekly and enroll our eldest into religious education. I have no problem with that. I have always respected the Catholic church. However, I am beginning to feel like a second class citizen. I am not allowed to participate in my child’s class with her, I’ve never been allowed Communion and I have been treated rudely by the religious education department people and even the priest! I can’t help but feel it is because they know I am Protestant. I decided to join out local Methodist Church and have approached my husband about an every other week comprimose. Methodist/Catholic. He refused and I know feel his religion is coming between my husband and I. I am beginning to really resent the Catholic faith! Why do I tell you this?
If I had to do it all over again- I would not have married my husband of 10 years. I love him ,but EVERTHING has been so hard- especially after having children. When you are young and in love, you think love is enough and it isn’t. Even if your fiance’ agrees to everything, you have planted a seed of resentment in him that I feel will grow as he ventures through life with you. Your church does not accept him. This will lead to conflict.
I hope you will seriously consider letting him go for his own good- an yours. I believe both of your lives will be happier with someone of the same faith. I will be praying for you.

 

[aurora77]

I also have another question, and this maybe is a bad thing to ask, but I was wondering: are their couples out there who are in a Catholic Protestant marriage who think that if they realized the difficulty of a mixed faith marriage before they were married, that they would have ended their relationship with their fiancé at that time? So I guess what I’m saying is, If you knew what you know now, would you have done things differently in regards to entering in to a Catholic - Protestant marriage?

Again, please don’t take our experience as typical, but no, I wouldn’t have changed anything. There have been a handful of moments in my life where God clearly directed me on what to do next; I knew 2 weeks into our relationship that I would marry DH. Whatever trials may come to us, I made the right decision.

You and your fiance really need to discuss how you will raise your children religiously. Personally, I think you need to decide and not try to go to both an Anglican and Catholic church. Honestly, I don’t see how such a situation could work out. Are your kids going to be baptized and raised Catholic (for me this was non-negotiable, DH was totally in agreement)? Will DH attend Mass with you and your kids? Will he support your Catholic faith and not try to undermine you?

 

[jmcrae]

Catherine;

I guess the bottom line is the raising of the children.

A very wise lady once said to me, “If you were to die the day after the birth of your child, could you be absolutely certain that your child would be raised in the Catholic faith and according to your values?”

If not, then no - don’t marry him.

 

[smallcat]

So I guess what I’m saying is, If you knew what you know now, would you have done things differently in regards to entering in to a Catholic - Protestant marriage?

Differently? Yes. I think, knowing what I know now, I would have done a LOT of things differently in my marriage (LOL)-- not just wrt the Catholic-Protestant thing! I’ve realized over the years that I harbored a lot of really negative stereotypes of Protestants. I painted with a broad brush early in our marriage, was quick to assume that they were all of the Jack Chick variety: eager to attack Catholics, eager to convert us. What I found, in reality, was quite the opposite. Honestly, many of them hardly think of us! They’re too busy trying to build up their own relationships with Christ. I would also be readier to admit that I could learn something from my Protestant brothers and sisters. They taught me a great deal about charity, about loving the Lord as a personal Savior (that was just a catch-phrase to me before), and about really living a life that is filled with the joy of Christ. Too often, I didn’t get this at our local parish-- unfortunately a reason many leave the Catholic Church, I think.

Would I still have married him? Absolutely. Like I said, it’s been hard-- *really *hard at times-- but I would marry him again in a heartbeat. And, yes, I would have said this (and often did) even if he were not in RCIA.

 

[Catherine_W]

Smallcat,

I really appreciate your replies and your experience is a wonderful example to me. But I was curious, about how your husband (before he entered RCIA) would have thought about the following quote. Would he have on his own, continued to teach your children about the Catholic faith?

“If you were to die the day after the birth of your child, could you be absolutely certain that your child would be raised in the Catholic faith and according to your values?”

Thanks!

 

[RyanL_s_Wife]

Smallcat,

I really appreciate your replies and your experience is a wonderful example to me. But I was curious, about how your husband (before he entered RCIA) would have thought about the following quote. Would he have on his own, continued to teach your children about the Catholic faith?

“If you were to die the day after the birth of your child, could you be absolutely certain that your child would be raised in the Catholic faith and according to your values?”

Thanks!

I know you posted this question to smallcat, but I hope you don’t mind me answering.

As mentioned in an earlier post. I am protestant, Baptist to be exact. However, when I finally agreed to allow our child to be baptized in the Catholic faith, I also agreed to raise him in the Catholic faith. (not publicly, of course…but that is basically what I felt I was agreeing to by allowing him a Catholic baptism.) Therefore, Yes… If it came down to it, I would take him to Mass every week and make sure he knew his Catholic faith. Would it be hard, I am sure it would. But I made that commitment, and at this moment in time, I fully intend to stick with it. I hope I am never tested on this, but that is what I feel I would have to do. (I don’t really see having a choice in the matter anymore, that decision has already been made.)

That being said… there’s nothing to say your fiance/husband would feel the same way. (But it is definitely something to discuss.)

God Bless,

RyanL’s Wife

 

[Catherine_W]

I know you posted this question to smallcat, but I hope you don’t mind me answering.

Oh yes, please anyone feel free to answer! Thank you so much RyanL’s Wife.

I have another question for all the Protestant spouses (or people who can comment about their spouses situation) that have made a commitment to raise your children Catholic. How did you come to this decision? Does it sadden you to see your children with beliefs not identical to your own? What is the Catholic teaching that is most difficult for you to teach your children? Do you feel like an outsider in your family?

I appreciate your answers to any of these questions so much!

 

[Lila_Jane]

I do not feel like an outsider. I’ve been married to my Catholic husband for 30 years. I really didn’t have a problem with any of the doctrine. I’m Southern Baptist and my only problem is with the Catholic Church telling me I had to raise them Catholic. And, with my husband for thinking his church is the only church and not giving my faith credibility. I REALLY feel the Cathollic church NEEDS to present the couple with guidelines for raising them with different faiths. They just tell you this is the way it is. The Catholic has nothing to give up for me. He doesn’t even have to go to church with me EVER! IF THE NON CATHOLIC IS TO RAISE THEIR CHILDREN CATHOLIC, THE CATHOLIC SPOUSE SHOULD HAVE TO BE WITH THE NON CATHOLIC IN THEIR FAITH. THEY TELL YOU MARRIAGE IS A SACRAMENT, BUT PUT THAT KIND OF DIVISION THERE. THAT IS NOT A MARRIAGE…THE CATHOLIC CHURCH HAS GOT TO HELP OUT IN THESE MARRIAGES. THE CATHOLIC SPOUSE SHOULD AT THE LEAST BE REQUIRED TO BE THERE FOR THE NON CATHOLIC SPOUSE…OR IT IS NOT A MARRIAGE!