Married Catholics Protestant couples, please give me your advice

[maryjk]

amills,
Hi, I just married a non-Catholic, and he tells me I cannot have a cross at home, nor a painting of the last supper, nor any decorations for Xmas… what am I to do? Do you think the advise you gave applies to that as well???
Please help!!!

This didn’t come up before you were married?

I am married to an atheist. Yes, a true non-believer. I was a VERY nominal Catholic when we were married. But he knew that I was Catholic. We have tons of religious art in our house.

Did he not know that you are Catholic. Were you married in the Church? Did he never comment on the art in your parents home?

 

[THutch04]

To those of you who said you told your spouses that you wouldn’t have married them if you knew then what you know now: how did they react to that when you told them? Did they agree with you, did it cause problems? It’s something that written on an online forum seems very harsh to say (and admittedly I don’t think I could ever tell my spouse that, even if it were true), but maybe it’s not as bad when both parties agree. I don’t want to hijack the thread, I’m just wondering…

 

[FromTheCrossroa]

I completely understand what you’re going through. I am currently in RCIA and becoming catholic. It is very hurtful and wrong to discount another Christian faith as I’ve experienced by some Catholics. It is human nature to slander those you do not understand. Its just as wrong for non-catholic christians to slander the catholic church just because there are points (very minor) that differentiate us as Christians. IMHO, catholic and non-catholic alike who engage in this kind of behavior have a long way to go in their spiritual journey in becoming more Christ like. Very few of us take the time to apply the golden rule to our differing faiths and ask if our words and actions are how we would want to be treated, or if Christ himself would be so condescending.

Divisions in the church are only symptoms of our humanity and the imperfect faith we practice as imperfect people. No one denomination, catholic or non-catholic has the market cornered on truth. Asserting otherwise is human arrogance and is contrary to the spirit in which Jesus Christ and his disciples preached. I have chosen to convert to catholicism because I believe the local community church that we attend is the most doctrinally sound and supportive church in the area and I know that it is the place that my family will be loved, supported and encouraged in faith. There are certainly areas in which I don’t agree with a strictly Catholic world view but that is no different than my faith when I worshipped in a non-catholic church. I know that my heart is in the right place, I am obeying the direction for my life that Christ ordained and will some day be brought into full knowledge by Christ himself on the day of resurrection.

 

[IlovemyChurch]

I know this is off-top, but to reply to ‘FromTheCrossroa’…

Firstly, I apologise for any bad experiences you have had with Catholics ‘slandering’ other Christian groups.

Secondly, I found quite a lot of what you said in your second paragraph worrying…

e.g.

No one denomination, catholic or non-catholic has the market cornered on truth.

I’m not sure you can actually enter the Catholic Church not believeing that it is the only one & true Church established by God and thus the Church does proclaim God’s truths in all things of faith & morals.

One doesn’t just ‘enter’ the Catholic Church because your local Catholic Church is nice (…that’s the Protestant way of picking the Church they like most). Rather one enters the Catholic Church because one believe in WHO the Catholic Church is…that is, the body of Christ, established by Christ, guided by the Holy Spirit.

If you don’t believe that, then entering the Church would essentially be a lie, because you are required to profess that you believe that.

Please don’t take this as an offence. I’m saying it out of love.

God Bless.

 

[Lila_Jane]

Thank you for your prayers…in this busy world it is touching that someone would take time to pray for a stranger.
I think there is hope for us…but is is a long, hard journey. I really feel that if we press on and finish the race, we will one day have great joy.

 

[FromTheCrossroa]

When I say no church has the market cornered on truth, what I meant was no church (to include the catholic church) has perfect understanding. The supporting evidences for my assertion are numerous. The church as a whole has undergone periods of apostacy, reformation, enlightenment, and darkness. Just because one becomes Christian or joins the Catholic church does not mean that we are granted omniscence. Even with the aide of the Holy Spirit, man’s expression of faith and practice of faith is imperfect because our understanding and knowledge is imperfect. Church history has been littered with changes in practice, rules, and secondary beliefs. As I understand Catholic belief, the pope is considered infallable. I do not believe this to be the case. The pope (as revered and sacred of a position as it is) is occupied by a man who by nature is fallen. One pope declares an edict, the next reverses that edict. Who was infallable? Vatican II for instance brought Catholic and mainline protestant churches much closer together and made significant changes in church rules. Were the old rules true or the new? Priests until the mid 1600’s were allowed to marry. Is it right for them to be married or wrong?

As far as picking a church on “feel good” as protestants do, I beg to differ. I don’t know of one Catholic (and I live in a heavily catholic area) who attends a church just because its Catholic and suffer through bad liturgies or priests who misuse homilies. People by nature will choose a church where their spiritual needs will be met and in turn be able to function in the body as Christ intended. No one wants to be in a diseased or dying body. To my surprise, I’ve visited quite a few catholic churches and found great diversity within them. My wife (also my sponsor) pointed that out to me while I was discerning joining the Catholic faith. Just because a church has Catholic on the front door, does not mean everything is the same on the inside. In fact, Ive noticed more diversity within the Catholic faith than I’ve seen within mainline protestant denominations. When I said I picked the church I now attend, I specifically stated that it was the most doctrinally sound church in my area and functions as a church should. I didn’t pick it because the grounds are nice, or they keep the temperature just right or a million other petty reasons. Becoming a member of a church has never been something I take lightly. It took me over 2 years to decide to join the Catholic church.

I am well familiar with the creed that Catholics recite in mass. I have no problems with it as I understand it. Some churches use the apostles creed, others the nicene creed. My personal preference is in the apostles creed which reads that you believe in the Holy Roman Catholic Church (which I do). My parish uses the one yours does and thats fine.

I understand the one true church to be the priesthood of believers which includes every follower of Christ both inside and outside the Roman Catholic expression of faith as long as they believe in essentials. If the creed means that only the Roman Catholic expression of faith is correct (and the only true Christians), then yes I would have a problem in expressing that statement as my belief. The Catholic church itself does not express that in practice. The Roman Catholic church is in fellowship with the Eastern Orthodox church for example. Although they do share many things in common, their priests for example can be married whereas Catholic priests can not. The Catholic church also participiates in ecumenical expressions of faith with protestant denominations. If Rome believed these churches were outside Christian orthodoxy, they would not have anything to do with them, much like Christianity has nothing to do with mormonism or Jehovah’s Witnesses. When I complete my RCIA course, I do not anticipate having issues reciting that creed as my belief. I would not recite it if I did not believe it. That is not the kind of person I am. I do however believe that for the church to unite (which is something we should all want to have happen), we will have to stop discounting another expression of Christian faith and find ways to be in fellowship with them in spite of doctrinal disagreements. Lastly, Peter (who by historical accounts was the first pope) and Paul vigorously disagreed with each other on doctrine and practice. Paul wrote 2/3 of the new testament while Peter built the church in Antioch and later Rome. These two men are both considered saints and within the Church even though they did not agree on procedural expressions of faith. If these men could call each other “brother” and fellowship with each other in spite of their differences, why can’t we?

 

[IlovemyChurch]

Hi!

thanks for your post!

If I may, I’d just like to pick up on 3 things…

1. The “Pope” as a person is not infallible. That’s not what Papal Infallibility means. I’m sure there are plenty of resources on here which explain what it does mean.
   But it is not a reflection on his personal state of holiness (or lack thereof).
2. "The Roman Catholic church is in fellowship with the Eastern Orthodox church for example"

That’s not true.

The CATHOLIC Church is made up of 2 Rites which are in communion with each other. The Western Rite (aka the Roman Rite) and the Eastern Rite.
Both these Rites are part of the same Catholic Church, under the authority of the Pope.

The ORTHODOX Church however is not the same as the Eastern Rite of the Catholic Church (people frequently confuse this).
The Orthodox Church schismed off the Catholic Church in 1054 and the Catholic Church is not ‘in fellowship’ with the Orthodox Church.

1. • “To my surprise, I’ve visited quite a few catholic churches and found great diversity within them”*

Different Catholic parishes may do certain things in slightly different ways depending on the desires of the local population (e.g. the style of music during the Mass etc).

However, each of these Parishes will profess the same identical faith, and they are all subject to the authority of their Bishops and Rome.

This, you will appreciate, is vastly different from Protestant who, even within the same denomination (e.g. Church of England for example), vary VASTLY of what they consider to be true and right in terms of faith and morals.

anyway, I feel bad that we have hijacked this post which was not intended for discussion of these matters so I won’t reply again in reference to these issues!

But I think it is very wonderful and a great blessing that you are entering the Church!

From the bottom of my heart, God Bless you in your journey!!

with much love,
your sister in Christ
-x-

 

[FromTheCrossroa]

I apologize if I hijacked the thread. However, I am in the same boat of journeying from protestant land to catholilc land so I am not sure that what I brought up is necessarily off topic. Having seen both sides and coming from a background of being pre-seminarian on the protestant side of the house, I see a lot more similarities than differences. The main differences in my observations are semantics and terminology used. The underlying understanding of the tenants of the faith I grew up in and the faith I am choosing to be a part of are not truly that different. I think you have to seperate the moral relativism that is alive and well within some protestant denominations and the differing customs and traditions in the expressions of faith. As this kind of argument has been going on since the days of Peter and Paul (without resolution), it is doubtful that it will be resolved in our lifetime.

From my life experience, I would never, ever put down someone who attends a non-denominational church or protestant faith. For one, I am glad they attend somewhere and believe in Christ (assuming). For two, I believe judgemental bickering over differences only continues to divide the Christian community. Unfortunately, we are not in a place as a community where either side is willing to put the gloves down.

As far as diversity is concerned, let me illustrate. Mexican Catholics worship (for lack of a better word) a crucified Christ whereas other expressions within the Catholic church pay hommage to the crucified Christ but emphasize the risen and glorified Christ. In protestant land, major denominations have been created over less. Some churches emphasize praying to mary and the saints, while others do not. I am of the mindset that Christ is our highest priest so who better to ask for help. Some churches are much more confession oriented than others. Again, coming from the world of protestantism, these kind of issues are what seperates most denominations. I believe these kinds of things to be of a different vein from musical style. Again from where I knew, it is refreshing (and credited to Catholics) that there can be freedom of this kind and still remain in fellowship with each other. I am looking forward to becoming fully Catholic. But I am also glad I’ve experienced different expressions of Christian faith. I believe it gives me a perspective that not many people have. I wouldnt trade it for the world!

 

[Honesty]

Catherine W,

You seem to be a very sweet and gracious person and I have a lot of sympathy for your position, for it is also mine.

The idea that children should be raised in their father’s faith because he is the “head of the house” is sexist. Two of my Catholic, female friends who have protestant boyfriends argued that children should always be raised in their mother’s faith to which one of their boyfriends added, “unless the father is Catholic!” We laughed at that but the truth is that the Catholic Church does try to insist on children in a mixed marriage being raised as Catholic. It doesn’t seem to make a difference if the non-Catholic is male or female. A Catholic in our situation is generally advised not to compromise.

I think that you have to ask how much you love your fiance. He has given Catholicism serious thought, attended mass with you, read the books you asked him to. Have you made the same effort for him?

You don’t want to sacrifice your principles but if you don’t compromise then you are forcing him to sacrifice his. If your fiance dies the day your children are born, can he trust you to raise his children in accordance with his beliefs as well as your own?

I think it is ridiculous that a non Catholic has to make all the sacrifices. I do not want to lose my love by being so inflexible that he feels forced to leave me or by forcing him to accept a doctrine that is false to him. Would that not be paramount to making him sell his soul?? I don’t want to do that to the person I love, do you?

You don’t have to leave your fiance. That would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Love is one of God’s greatest gifts. It is a blessing. Remember Lila Jane’s question, “Remember love?”?

Your faith is in your heart and if it is strong, it will not be easily destroyed and will not be destroyed by love. Talk to your boyfriend and find what is fundamental to both of you. It is easy for people to critize and say that anything less than a strict Catholic upbringing is a “watered down version”. Watered down with what? An ability to compromise, sensitivity to the feelings and respect for the person that you love? Perhaps faith watered down with love is not an evil thing.

You don’t have to insist on raising your children in the Catholic faith or anything else. Find the common ground of what is truly important to you and your fiance and raise your children with those beliefs in the foreground. It sounds like you are both good people, trust each other and trust that God graced you with love.

amills will disagree with me of course but her “non-negotiables” were number 2 on her list and “respect, respect, respect” was number 7. A non-negotiable was insisting on raising children as Catholics while one the great comprises she was prepared to make was to not eat pork. I am glad that my fiance gives a me higher priority on his list, as does yours, Catherine. Like I said before, how much do you love him?

 

[maryjk]

That is, as long as you’re solidly Christian, it didn’t much matter to him what denomination. He didn’t feel that my soul was endangered by being Catholic.

Honesty:

but the truth is that the Catholic Church does try to insist on children in a mixed marriage being raised as Catholic. It doesn’t seem to make a difference if the non-Catholic is male or female. A Catholic in our situation is generally advised not to compromise.

Reading through this thread, I noticed some things.

Most, not all, I know, Non-Catholic Christians feel the way Smallcat’s husband feels. As long as they are Christian, it is okay.

Most, Catholics feel that their children will loose their salvation by leaving the Catholic Church. So they feel that they must raise their children Catholic. For them being a non-Catholic Christian is not enough.

 

[genealogist]

One thing to remember is that the Catholic spouse has the same obligations in a mixed marriage to raise the kids Catholic as he does in a Catholic-Catholic marriage. He must attend weekly Sunday Mass, educate and baptize his kids and be open to children. What the mixed dispensation does is to make certain the non-Catholic is aware of this and to remind the Catholic marrying a Protestant etc. It is not fun and will most likely stink. The couple should be honest and try to live a prayer life together before marriage and see how that goes. Not having your children go to Sunday school, worship, VBS and church camp would be hard I would assume for most Protestants. Likeiwse it is hard for Catholics to be forced to try and raise pseudo or demi-Catholics.

My wife cried obviously when I told her I would not do this again. She thinks it will be better when last child is an adult and I will go to Mass alkone when the children have married and left the home.

 

[glasses_passes]

Hi, I was wondering if there are any Married people out there where one spouse is a devout Catholic and the other a devout Protestant. I am curious how possible it is to find happiness in this kind of situation and how to find common ground in raising your children. I know these kinds of marriages must take a lot of work, but I am hopeful that people are able to find happiness in these situations.

I love my Catholic faith so much, but so far, even though my fiancée has tried to learn about Catholicism (read many books, attending RCIA) he can not currently agree with numerous teaching of the Catholic Church. He is an Anglican Christian. We really do love each other and want to be married, but would like to find examples of other couples who are already in this situation and how you are able to make it work.

Thanks

if they are truly devout then yes it will work

by devout i mean spiritual and loving

if by devout you mean pharasaic…then no it won’t work out. its like living with a nag. and if only one is a nag then the gentler more loving person will be burdened and abused by the nag pharisee.
if they are both nag pharisees then they will fight a lot and maybe even be driven to the brink of divorce because both are self righteous

ps: i’m a never married catholic woman. i chimed in on the thread and forgot that you only wanted the opinions of catholics in mixed marriages.

but i have dated protestants and had some of these discussions. the protestant felt a devout catholic and devout prot couldn’t make it work. well…he thought he was devout…his idea of devout and my idea of devout are not the same thing. he wouldn’t even get along with another protestant…but thinks he is devout…the truth is he’s really self righeoutous and critical of others…he is the type that tears down the faith and beliefs of others yet he goes to church every sunday and is involved in the church…single and over 50. never married. not a nice person when you really get to down to it.

so like i said the truth is it boils down to what kind of people the couple are on the inside…gracious or self righteous. letter of law vs the spirit of the law.

 

[Proeliator]

Hello, I keep getting these thread follow-ups to your question. Some very interesting replies. I have come to the conclusion that you need to hear the TRUTH. No matter what anyone tells you its tough as nails being seperate faiths. There is no full “unity” in the marriage. Once your “honeymoon” stage ends you will be climbing uphill the rest of the way. Being of the same faith will help tremendously. Think twice about moving forward. Would I do it again? NO! Do I love my wife? Yeah! Is it frustrating? Yes! Does it cause division in the marriage? Yeah! Do yourself a favor and take time away…Don’t mean to sound so down but its the simple truth. No sugar-coating this reply-