Married men and women as friends

[BlueEyedLady]

Perhaps borderline abusive, assuming we are reading the situation correctly. I’m still hesitant to claim it is necessarily there, especially since it is so easy to misread a situation when you just hear about it online, but it is certainly close to it and a problem to be looked into and fixed.

I think the telltale sign here is that it always comes back to him.

Let’s say a man did try to cop a feel. The OP should be concerned about it because of how violated that would make his wife feel, and what an invasion of her space that would be. Instead it’s a problem because that is his wife, and his territory, and another man can’t act like like an alpha, because that’s an offense against him, not his wife.

 

[thewanderer]

I think the telltale sign here is that it always comes back to him.

Let’s say a man did try to cop a feel. The OP should be concerned about it because of how violated that would make his wife feel, and what an invasion of her space that would be. Instead it’s a problem because that is his wife, and his territory, and another man can’t act like like an alpha, because that’s an offense against him, not his wife.

Yeah… its kind of true. I definitely agree that there seems to be a huge problem here.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Yeah… its kind of true. I definitely agree that there seems to be a huge problem here.

It just seems to be more about his pride and being in control than anything else.

Casting half of the population in such a negative and predatory light closes off the discussion. You can’t go from that to a discussion about healthy friendships and appropriate boundaries. Demanding to meet everyone that might hug your wife before the hug actually occurs is not reasonable. Telling her that the only reason any of her friends would want to hug her is to feel her up does not show any faith in her judgement or her ability to choose good friends, nor does it really leave open any room for rational discussion.

I see a lot about him on here, but not a lot about how she feels and how she views the men in her life.

 

[thewanderer]

It just seems to be more about his pride and being in control than anything else.

Casting half of the population in such a negative and predatory light closes off the discussion. You can’t go from that to a discussion about healthy friendships and appropriate boundaries. Demanding to meet everyone that might hug your wife before the hug actually occurs is not reasonable. Telling her that the only reason any of her friends would want to hug her is to feel her up does not show any faith in her judgement or her ability to choose good friends, nor does it really leave open any room for rational discussion.

I see a lot about him on here, but not a lot about how she feels and how she views the men in her life.

Yes, we have received a very one-sided story of events here.

 

[Evania]

If both me and my husband are fine with it in given circumstances then I don’t really know who you are to tell me that it is wrong for me to hug other men who I am good friends with as a form of greeting. Yes, there are circumstances where me hugging men or my husband hugging women would be problematic for us, but it really isn’t up to you to decide where that line lies for us. Yes, you have a say in your own marriage, and, as EasterJoy has pointed out it is necessary for your wife to be sensitive to your feelings on this matter, but that doesn’t mean you get to declare your boundaries as necessary for every married couple. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from doing so in the future.

Just tell the OP that “you only tolerate this type of silliness from your husband, and that he doesn’t get that privilege”

Sorry, couldn’t resist

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

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thewanderer said:
I would appreciate it if you would refrain from doing so in the future.

Yeah, well I would appreciate it if people would stay on topic in my threads, but that doesn’t work out very well either, does it?

You asked for an opinion and that’s what I gave you. Honestly, I couldn’t care less how you live your life, it matters not to me. Feel free to be the village bicycle, if you want, if that floats your boat.

Well, you can wish in one hand and **** in the other and see which gets filled first.- Burgess Meredith

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BlueEyedLady said:
It doesn’t really sound like his wife’s feelings matter much to him at all. He only thinks that men who know him should hug his wife. Nevermind that she may run into old friends that she hasn’t seen in years…

If she met a old friend she hadn’t seen in years, I would expect her to give them a hug and that would be fine. The people I am talking about aren’t old friends, they’re acquaintances from around town, people known through work, people who typically wouldn’t be trying to hug my wife, but think that having a few drinks makes it OK (it doesn’t).

Oh, and I don’t care how old, or how cherished, a friend might be. If it’s a creepy, out-of-line hug, I’m going to have a problem with it.

Hmmm, maybe I just need to learn how to share my wife…

And I do indeed care for my wife’s feelings. She’s told me in the past that she has been uncomfortable with some of the people who come up and hug her. She’s just too nice to say anything. Of course, I wouldn’t have married her if she weren’t nice!

He never, ever speaks of his wife as a woman who makes her own choices.

If she weren’t making her own choices, if I decided EVERYTHING for her, why the flip would I be posting here?

I know, the idea that women are incompetent and foolish makes me cringe.

Not incompetent and foolish, just weaker and more vulnerable.

He, without evidence, accuses his wife’s friends of “poaching” her. Trying to turn her against them like that is scary.

It sounds like in your view I have to find them in bed together before I have any evidence. There is plenty of evidence. And more people have agreed with me than with you on that. Try reading the material.

And I’m not trying to turn anyone against anyone. I just want him to back off. That’s what a good, caring, responsible husband does when they are looking out for their wife and marriage.

He doesn’t have to be hitting her for the relationship to be abusive. Controlling, belittling, and manipulating are enough.

OMG, how do you come up with this drivel?

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thewanderer said:
Yeah… its kind of true. I definitely agree that there seems to be a huge problem here.

Are you a soap opera addict? It wouldn’t surprise me.

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BlueEyedLady said:
It just seems to be more about his pride and being in control than anything else.

When did you figure that out. When I mentioned that I am the Head of Household? Being HoH means being in charge of the family, which means…being in control.

I know that must make you pucker, but that’s how the traditional family…traditionally works!

It doesn’t mean being in charge of everything or micro-managing everything that goes on, good God I don’t have time for that.

But when something comes up that is a threat to the family, it’s my job to deal with it.

Because I’m the man.

Casting half of the population in such a negative and predatory light closes off the discussion. You can’t go from that to a discussion about healthy friendships and appropriate boundaries.

Actually 50% of half the population would be one-fourth of the population…

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thewanderer said:
Yes, we have received a very one-sided story of events here.

Not entirely, I’ve mentioned at least twice, I think, that she’s told me she’s been uncomfortable with other men hugging her.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

When did you figure that out. When I mentioned that I am the Head of Household? Being HoH means being in charge of the family, which means…being in control.
.

That pretty much says it all. It’s about ego, pride, and getting your way. You talk so much about being the “alpha” and about how pathetic and vulnerable your wife is, but you speak nothing of her thoughts and feelings, the conversations you’ve had with her over the issue of her friends, or any decisions she’s made. In short, you don’t speak of her with even basic respect, much less as an equal and loved life partner.

Most people on this site view the man as the HoH. But most people don’t view that as about “being in control”. Even my own husband is the leader in our marriage. But it is never about ego or control with him, nor should it be.

 

[Evania]

So let me get this straight:

It’s not okay for other men to hug your wife, but it’s okay for you to insult and compare another man’s wife to a village bicycle for simply not seeing anything wrong with hugs?

Do you always get this nasty and insult women when you feel that they cross you?

This is what you said to this woman:

If your husband doesn’t know them, you shouldn’t be hugging them (or vice versa). I call that common courtesy to your husband and it’s a boundary that the wife and the OM should respect.

She disagreed, and you attacked her and compared her to a slut.

 

[maryjk]

That pretty much says it all. It’s about ego, pride, and getting your way. You talk so much about being the “alpha” and about how pathetic and vulnerable your wife is, but you speak nothing of her thoughts and feelings, the conversations you’ve had with her over the issue of her friends, or any decisions she’s made. In short, you don’t speak of her with even basic respect, much less as an equal and loved life partner.

Most people on this site view the man as the HoH. But most people don’t view that as about “being in control”. Even my own husband is the leader in our marriage. But it is never about ego or control with him, nor should it be.

It isn’t about doing as he says. It is about mutual love. Wanting what is best for the family.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

So let me get this straight:

It’s not okay for other men to hug your wife, but it’s okay for you to insult and compare another man’s wife to a village bicycle for simply not seeing anything wrong with hugs?

Do you always get this nasty and insult women when you feel that they cross you?

This is what you said to this woman:

If your husband doesn’t know them, you shouldn’t be hugging them (or vice versa). I call that common courtesy to your husband and it’s a boundary that the wife and the OM should respect.

She disagreed, and you attacked her and compared her to a slut.

Things like that are why I’m concerned about possible abuse. He has a very nasty attitude towards women (and, actually, men too).

 

[Evania]

Things like that are why I’m concerned about possible abuse. He has a very nasty attitude towards women (and, actually, men too).

He has said things such as “put that in your feminist pipe and smoke it”,
compared another man’s wife to a village bicycle, etc…

The sad thing is:

The majority of us do not subscribe to modern feminism. We are wives, mothers, daughters and are devout Catholics. We respect our husbands, love our children, worship our God.
We just don’t agree with him.

In his first post the OP stated at the end of his initial thread;

OP: Am I wrong?

There were men and women who answered his question and gave their honest assessment. Now we can look back and see that OP wasn’t really wondering if he was wrong. He was looking for validation. He particularly saved his vitriol for the women who disagreed with his assessment. He said off the bat: It’s interesting that the first three responses appear to be from women and they all seem to think this is no big deal.

The truth is that none of the “first three” women disagreed with him. The first one shared her personal story in relation to his thread, the second woman was Easter Joy who is his most ardent defender, and the third was me. I had simply asked, “Is he respectful when you’re around?”

His ego can’t take the assault: “I will tolerate such silliness only from my wife. You don’t have that luxury.”

And…if we do, we will be called disgusting names, and have our characters and purity called into question.

 

[thewanderer]

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thewanderer said:
I would appreciate it if you would refrain from doing so in the future.

Yeah, well I would appreciate it if people would stay on topic in my threads, but that doesn’t work out very well either, does it?

You asked for an opinion and that’s what I gave you. Honestly, I couldn’t care less how you live your life, it matters not to me. Feel free to be the village bicycle, if you want, if that floats your boat.

Well, you can wish in one hand and **** in the other and see which gets filled first.- Burgess Meredith

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thewanderer said:
Yeah… its kind of true. I definitely agree that there seems to be a huge problem here.

Are you a soap opera addict? It wouldn’t surprise me.

lol, so far from the truth its funny.

OP, I have been perfectly polite in my responses to you and I have tried very hard to give you the benefit of the doubt as much as I possibly can. I do not appreciate your insults nor are they permitted according to CAF standards. If you continue to insult me or others on this thread you will be reported for violating CAF rules.

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thewanderer said:
Yes, we have received a very one-sided story of events here.

Not entirely, I’ve mentioned at least twice, I think, that she’s told me she’s been uncomfortable with other men hugging her.

My point was that it is hard to be sure we have a correct understanding of the situation until we hear fro both sides. As in, while it sure seems like there is something problematic here, we don’t have full knowledge of the situation, it might not be as bad as it seems. Though I must admit that the fact you insult anyone who disagrees with you, even if they are simultaneously trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and to get others to give you the benefit of the doubt, does not speak well towards your character, and so adds more credence to the concerns of people on this thread. I realize it is not pleasant to be called abusive, but that doesn’t mean you should be lashing out at those who disagree with you. Especially when the person you are lashing out at is not even the one saying you are abusive.

But if you want to get back on topic, I will gladly do so. As I see it, there is a very good chance that there is nothing to worry about in this relationship. The hobbyists actions seem very easily explainable as innocent. However, there is still a slight chance that there is some agenda on his end, and we here on the internet will not be able to determine whether or not that is the case. So, what remains for you to do, if you have not already done so is have a good discussion with your wife where you bring up your concerns to her and try to find a mutually agreeable boundary line for your interaction with people of the other gender and in doing so you must be sensitive to your wifes feelings in the matter. What you should not do is turn this into an attempt to control your wife. If you care to give an update on how this conversation went perhaps we can give more advice on how to proceed.

You should also be aware that unless you think the other man is likely to rape your wife using language like “I trust you but I don’t trust him” sounds like just a roundabout way of saying “I don’t trust you but I don’t want to phrase it like that so I’m going to couch it in nicer words”…

 

[Julianna]

My best friend is a man. He is married, and I work with him. My husband knows him and his wife and we often socialize. We go to their house for cook outs, they come to mine, along with some other co workers. Have we ever been to lunch together “alone”…why yes we have…no drinking, just a big mac and fries at MckyDs. He doesn’t buy me gifts or send me cards. This is a boundary for me, he knows it and we don’t cross it. I do not go to his house when his wife is not at home and visa versa. When he asked me if I would go with him to purchase a new computer…I immediately got his wife on Skype with him and asked if that was ok. She said it was fine…and likewise, "I did not ask PERMISSION of my husband, I asked, “hey so and so wants me to go with him to purchase a new computer…you ok with that?” My DH said, “yeah no problem”. I knew he would not have a problem with it.

My husband could care less if I hug a man he doesn’t know. However, he is introduced to them eventually. Likewise he has hugged women I don’t know…and I don’t have a problem with it. I meet them eventually. I work with 21 men and 2 women. I wouldn’t have any other way. I find female friendships drama filled and I can’t be bothered. I would say my friend is my “work spouse”. The lines have been discussed, drawn and respected. I tell my husband everything…there are no secrets.

I believe the gifts are over doing it. I forgot to look to see if the OPs friend is also married. If the OP is concerned, being “present” is the best thing…go to dinner with him and his wife (girlfriend). If he doesn’t have one, fix him up with one.

Ask your wife, “hey, I think the gift thing with Bob is a bit much, would you mind talking to him about it?”