I would say that Philia among men isn’t actually completely lost, even for those who do not physically show affection. It is just shown in different ways
Another way of putting this: there are rituals of philia between men (or rather, of the physical aspect of philia). But some boys aren’t ever introduced to these rituals.
I wasn’t. I remember …] at a camp, that some other guy in the bathroom tried to start a good-natured conversation with me, while we were both in a state of partial undress, perhaps brushing our teeth or some such thing. I literally could not understand what was going on. In my world, you never talked in a public restroom. I felt like there was some mysterious world where men were comfortable with such things, but I was forever on the outside. I didn’t have a father to show me the way in.
This all stirs a lot of feelings and thoughts. I admit, I’ve always wanted to be able to be just “one of the guys”, but I’ve never felt quite like one. At times, for example, other guys would wrestle when I was younger–shirts off to make it harder for the opponent to get a good grip–and although I was invited to join in, I found that 1) I was afraid that I might have a physical reaction to it and be gravely embarrassed, but more likely than that 2) somehow I’d feel that I was kidding myself, that no one would really believe I, of all people, belonged in that situation. My own self doubt ruined me. I could’ve proven, over time, that I was “one of the guys,” but I missed my chance there.
More recently, I’ve joined the gym, though, and I’ve been changing in the locker rooms and even using the shower. The most amazing thing to me has been how natural this has felt, and I haven’t found myself “tempted” or overly awkward. The other day, a guy struck up a conversation with me as we were both changing clothes by the lockers, just randomly introduced himself and made idle but relevant chatter, but in a deliberate way as if he was making an effort to be friendly. It felt natural, and I felt somehow validated as a man I have to admit. As though I was man enough that this fellow man didn’t find it awkward or weird to talk to me as we were both, at various points in the conversation, in a degree of undress, because after all we were both men so there was nothing to feel awkward
about. It wasn’t erotic. It wasn’t “tempting.” It was just…natural. So too it has been natural even being totally undressed on the way to the shower in the locker room, as other guys have been too: It hasn’t been “awkward” nor have I found myself involuntarily “excited.”
I think that’s the thing I’ve missed out on the most. Feeling “natural” around other guys in typically “guy” activities and contexts. Sports, locker rooms (especially showers), being casually shirtless while playing a sport or working out outdoors, these and more are things I watched (or heard of) my fellow guys do without awkwardness on their part, feeling natural, unafraid of physical signs of arousal making them seem “gay” and comfortable in their own skin and masculinity. They could also share certain affections–a friendly arm around the shoulder or neck (not cuddling, just like you might do for a picture), a pat on the back, casually coming into physical contact just by being in close proximity to one another and not feel awkward nor have anything “more” awakened. And I craved all that, but felt that I could never have it. I’m just having the first signs, since joining the gym, that I can be “one of the guys” too. It’s exhilarating.
Yet it’s also not something I anticipate to be some sort of “cure” for the SSA. I fear I will still always feel that there’s a “difference” between me and “normal” guys. Even if I ever find that the temptations are no longer acute, there will always be the knowledge that I’m prone to SSA and “normal” guys aren’t, that I find the male form to be aesthetically pleasing and fascinating to look at and “normal” guys don’t, that I am at risk for sexualizing guys and “normal” guys aren’t. These things will always give me some sense of isolation from my fellow males who do not so struggle. I’ll feel an “inferiority” complex toward them, I fear. Until the day, which may never come, when a man can reveal his SSA but still have men who don’t struggle with it accept him as their equal in masculinity, I fear this inferiority complex will remain for most men with this cross…because just hiding it will still leave him prone to doubting they’d accept him as an equal if they DID know.
Likewise, I don’t think that this will make the desire for (platonic) affection, beyond the typical male norms in our culture, disappear, though it may dissipate it a little: I do believe that certain men, throughout history and not all by any means with SSA, simply do have higher needs for more overt forms of affections than other men, and the pity is that in our culture even if this wasn’t looked at as outright gay it’s looked at as “too soft” or “girly.” Because that means that even this basic need, which predated my SSA (I do remember a time when I would have almost puked at the thought of sexual relations with another guy, yet this need was already there), is a source of me feeling “isolated” from other guys who don’t share it. Would that I lived in an age of Abraham Lincolns and Joshua Speeds, of Davids and Jonathans, where these things, though it’s not as if it was every man’s cup of tea, were still seen as within the realm of masculinity, so that I wouldn’t feel that my needs here somehow “separated” me from “normal” guys; because in that sort of culture, even if it wasn’t their personal preference, nor would knowing it was mine “weird them out” or make them see me as less of a man. If only…
Alas, I just have to take one step at a time. By God’s Grace, I hope I’ll find a balance someday.
. There are definitely men today who still know how to have deep phillia based friendships with other men even if they aren’t using typical physical signs of affection.
It is not very expensive for a neck and shoulder massage.