Married men with SSA - Should we be publicly open about it?

[Prodigal_Son]

I’ll say this again:

I’m a man for whom OSA forms the vast majority of my temptation: but not all of it. I also feel occasions of SSA.

I am married to a beautiful woman, and wile I was not chaste before I met her… as a married man I live by the Grace of God to fulfill my Marriage Vows.

Remaining faithful to your spouse is not dependent on the gender of the other people you feel attracted to - Its dependent on not letting yourself get into the situation where a trifling temptation or attraction becomes a realistic possibility for infidelity.

Now for a man with a strong temptation towards SSA, there are situations which would be innocent and safe for “Straight men” which may pose a high risk of temptation - like the mens locker room or sauna. That’s an unfortunate additional burden they bear.

I understand what others mean when they suggest that this area should be “Taboo”. I however disagree.
In the right, supportive environment, it is wholly appropriate for men with this struggle t be open with each other in the pastoral context of mens groups where we support each other in a wide range of spiritual matters and resisting temptation.

In the wider environment we live in a world where the “Gay” lobby are pushing their agenda in an incessatn manner. It is only right that other views are heard - and most importantly that the Truth can be heard.

In this situation, I would advise that if a man with this cross is considering being public that he should discuss the matter with his wife first. - It has to be a family decision.

Gee, it’s good to hear from you! When you talk about speaking the truth in the face of the “gay lobby”, that’s exactly what I have in mind. Powerful forces in this culture are highly resistant to the idea that a person could be in a happy and supportive Christian marriage despite having a very real attraction to the same sex. I want there to be real voices that speak against these forces.

Oh, and I most definitely would not go public on this without it being my wife’s decision, too.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I don’t think everyone needs to share their personal stories, nor do they necessarily need to share the full extent. But we could use some witnesses to show the culture that it is possible to experience same sex attraction and yet live out the Catholic teaching. Without those witnesses, people are going to assume it’s just not possible.

Posters who argue for the complete silence of everyone in my situation, please address Joe’s comments.

 

[Holly3278]

I am a woman who struggles with same sex attraction but only slightly. I am mostly attracted to men and I am thankful for that. I hope that someday I can get married. But then again, on the other hand, I am not sure if I want to get married or not. Regardless i am always going to be chaste.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Fill your mind with things that are pure, righteous, worthy of praise. These are the things to boast about, living with God and His kindness to us.

Paul boasted of his weaknesses.

The religion you are describing seems to involve lofty expectations of perfection; if there is sin, hide it. But the New Testament, over and over, talks about light. It is light that brings healing, both to individuals and to a culture.

Can you explain to me, theologically, what Paul and Jesus are talking about, if not living in the light? In the Acts of the Apostles, sins were confessed publicly. Why? Were they just confused?

 

[Lady_Love]

I think you have an experience that is very relevant to the times that we are in and could be very useful in helping others. I would say if you feel God urging you to share your story, provided your wife was o.k. with you sharing your story, then go ahead. We need examples like yourself who have made the “choice” to live by God’s standards and be happy and successful with it. It will give others who may be struggling to find hope and overcome any shame.

 

[LisaA]

Wow great advice from many posters. I totally agree with the theme of NOT going public. I do not understand our culture’s desire to “air dirty linen in public” as my granny used to say. The phrase “I Gotta Be Me” is a great song title but would be detrimental to your marriage and family if these struggles were made public.

I’ve always felt that much of SSA parallels alcoholism. In that instance it’s important for the OP’s wife to know so that she is a helpmate and partner rather than inadvertently exacerbating the problem. For example I really appreciated the post about always going to bed together so the opportunity to view porn is mitigated as well as continuing to focus on the closeness between you (physical and emotional).

Also like alcoholism, sharing in a CONFIDENTIAL and small group setting such as AA meetings can help from feeling you are bubbling over with a need to discuss, while not compromising your family’s privacy and security. This has to be a struggle in so many ways and I hope and pray you are able to overcome it.

I’ve seen more than a few marriages break up because husband or wife decided what they THOUGHT was sexual fulfillment was more important than being holy and faithful to God and taking care of the family. The homosexual lobby supports this behavior but they do not have to live with the consequences. The damage to abandoned spouses and children is unbelievable.

Lisa

 

[thewanderer]

I think you have an experience that is very relevant to the times that we are in and could be very useful in helping others. I would say if you feel God urging you to share your story, provided your wife was o.k. with you sharing your story, then go ahead. We need examples like yourself who have made the “choice” to live by God’s standards and be happy and successful with it. It will give others who may be struggling to find hope and overcome any shame.

This!!

It would be wrong to make it public if your wife was uncomfortable with it. Just as it would be wrong to do so for your own validation, or to make a stir, or “air dirty laundry” as people have said. But as a way of helping and encouraging others suffering with the same temptations to remain chaste? If that is what you feel called to, then absolutely!! Pray about it, talk about it with your wife, bring it to adoration, and listen for God’s will on it, but if after doing all that you feel called to share your story to help others then by all means go for it.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Why be open about it? Are people open about their bodily functions? When Somebody is at dinner and they need to use the restroom, do they stand up and say “I have to take a shi*”, or do they stand up and say, “Please excuse me for a moment”? Going to the bathroom is nothing to be ashamed of and it’s a natural thing, but it’s embarrassing for everyone involved to be too open about it.

To be clear, I’m not talking about making it a regular topic of conversation. “Hello, I’m John and this is my wife Suzie. She’s a teacher and I’m attracted to guys.”

I’m talking about, say, writing a book that is addressed to men in my situation, or single men with SSA considering marriage. But such a book “gets my name out there,” so it’s a very serious question whether it should even be attempted.

 

[LisaA]

***A part of SSA, in very many cases, is the overriding desire for recognition. Now, psychologists can opine until the last day regarding the motivation of and need for this desire. Just as the attraction is disordered, is not this desire for recognition also disordered and something to be mastered just as SSA itself is to be mastered? This is in like manner with each and every one of our disorders.

SSA is now being not only acknowledged, but empowered and enshrined in law. It is becoming a cultural icon. As with any insatiable appetite, this desire for recognition now demands more than acceptance - even its embracing, if not outright preference in our increasingly sterile culture. ***
No individual, especially the married, does anything in a vacuum. The two fleshes have become one. Both celebrate and both suffer. What is to celebrate in the public revelation of a disorder? How is the family helped - how are the children affected?

Personal validation is one thing, but love demands that it be suppressed for the good of those who are loved.

Agree MUCH wisdom in this post and an answer to my question as to why those who are struggling with SSA or participating in a gay lifestyle feel compelled to broadcast an area of life that has traditionally been private. Thank you.

Lisa

 

[spiderweb]

Paul boasted of his weaknesses.

The religion you are describing seems to involve lofty expectations of perfection; if there is sin, hide it. But the New Testament, over and over, talks about light. It is light that brings healing, both to individuals and to a culture.

Can you explain to me, theologically, what Paul and Jesus are talking about, if not living in the light? In the Acts of the Apostles, sins were confessed publicly. Why? Were they just confused?

True, sins were confessed publicly, but the church changed that to a private confession for at least two reasons that I’m aware of. First was because people wouldn’t confess hidden sins. If no one else in the church knew about it, they weren’t about to tell anyone publicly, thus not living in a state of grace putting their souls in danger. Second was because it caused scandals. Other people would sin by gossiping about that person, or treating them in an uncharitable way, etc. Private confessions helped keep other people from falling into sin.

Some things should just be kept at a certain level of privacy for the sake of yourself, your family, and others. However, if you are planning on starting or joining a support group than that’s a different story. Personally I think it would be great if there were groups of SSA people that publicly opposed same sex marriage and other issues. If that is what your goal is than I say go for it.

Having said that, I would not recommend doing so unless your own temptations are under control. I would also say to ask yourself what your motivation for going public is. If your motivation is self-centered, that’s not a good sign. Or if you are looking to attract other “closeted” men to share temptation stories or more, that’s definitely not a good thing. If your motivation is to help bring others closer to Christ, than God speed. Everyone has a calling, maybe that is yours.

 

[revert_jen]

Posters who argue for the complete silence of everyone in my situation, please address Joe’s comments.

I don’t think there is any benefit from public exposure that would have significantly greater impact than, say, a blog with information about your situation which does not expose your identity. A blog has the benefit of being free (I mean to the readers), and the readers not recorded. If a person is secretly struggling with this problem, he or she is probably not going to want to go on record buying a book about it. I would suspect that a book like that would end up just preaching to the choir.

And no matter how many under-30’s would not be bothered if a friend was attracted to other men, I think those same under-30’s would have a different reaction if it was their father who was attracted to other men. Probably still supportive, but burdened with questions about themselves. If your children are old enough to go to counseling, you would want to explain it to them and take them to counseling before you go public, and they should buy into the decision. If they are too young for that, possibly you should wait until they are older. Aside from everything else, even though SSA is not shameful, it would probably be better for your kids if they didn’t grow up always with this in their minds about you. But if everyone else knows about it, they will find out about it even if you think they are too young to be told. It just seems like the kind of thing you would try to make the best of if it couldn’t be avoided, but not the sort of thing one would set up voluntarily.

–Jen

 

[PennyinCanada]

Paul boasted of his weaknesses.

The religion you are describing seems to involve lofty expectations of perfection; if there is sin, hide it. But the New Testament, over and over, talks about light. It is light that brings healing, both to individuals and to a culture.

Can you explain to me, theologically, what Paul and Jesus are talking about, if not living in the light? In the Acts of the Apostles, sins were confessed publicly. Why? Were they just confused?

Go to confession and the Eucharist. That’s living in the Light.
People generally have a hard enough time with going to a priest in a private confessional with his lips sealed. Thank God the Church has offered us this sacrament, in this way.
In this age, everyone is talking to everyone everywhere, on the go. Why do we need private matters to be public? We’ve lost our modesty.

 

[Fairwinds]

That’s because of a cultural taboo against homosexual attraction. Like it or not, however, that cultural taboo is gone and is not coming back. Most everyone younger than 30, these days, is not disgusted to find out that a male friend of theirs is attracted to other men.

I’m not worried about being ridiculed. If I make myself vulnerable and people ridicule me, that’s their sin.

(Oh, and your comment about “coming out” seems to misread my post entirely. I am talking about sharing a struggle, not about taking pride in the brokenness of my own attractions!).

if you don’t mind being ridiculed, cool.

my experience with men under 30 is that they ridicule gays as much as I did when I was under 30, anecdotal evidence doesn’t match.

so what do your wife and kids think about being ridiculed? what does your wife think about knowing you’re attracted to other men – that’s got to be an unwelcome hurt (if you addressed this, I’ve missed it, so I’m not being argumentative).

 

[JimG]

Go to confession and the Eucharist. That’s living in the Light.
People generally have a hard enough time with going to a priest in a private confessional with his lips sealed. Thank God the Church has offered us this sacrament, in this way.
In this age, everyone is talking to everyone everywhere, on the go. Why do we need private matters to be public? We’ve lost our modesty.

I agree with this. In the current society there is already too much narcissism and voyeurism. Why feed the trend?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

if you don’t mind being ridiculed, cool.

my experience with men under 30 is that they ridicule gays as much as I did when I was under 30, anecdotal evidence doesn’t match.

so what do your wife and kids think about being ridiculed? what does your wife think about knowing you’re attracted to other men – that’s got to be an unwelcome hurt (if you addressed this, I’ve missed it, so I’m not being argumentative).

First of all, my wife understands my personal history, understands some of how these attractions developed, and isn’t really bothered by the fact that I struggle with attraction to men as well as women. What hurts her is my sin, not my temptations. Surely she would not encourage me to hide the fact that I’m attracted to men from her, out of some strange belief that “she can’t handle” the idea that her man would find other men beautiful.

(Note: Historically, it has been largely acceptable for men to find other men beautiful. Look at medieval and renaissance Europe, look at the dark ages, look at Rome. I would argue that our hangup about men liking the look of other men *contributes *to perversity, since it hidden attractions become sexualized.)

As for the attitudes of younger people toward “gays”, this characterization is part of the problem, my friend. If I were to write a book in which I said that I was attracted to men as well as women, I would not be saying I am gay. If people make *that *confusion, then it’s obvious that we need to talk about how sexual attraction works more, not less. Now maybe I’m not the right person to talk about it publicly, but somebody had better.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Go to confession and the Eucharist. That’s living in the Light.
People generally have a hard enough time with going to a priest in a private confessional with his lips sealed. Thank God the Church has offered us this sacrament, in this way.
In this age, everyone is talking to everyone everywhere, on the go. Why do we need private matters to be public? We’ve lost our modesty.

I would, once again, invite you to look closely at the New Testament teaching on living in the light. If living in the light means that people will be martyred and misunderstood, then people will be martyred and misunderstood. The church needs more martyrs, not fewer.

Also, with regard to cultural modesty…

Suppose that a large portion of the population begins talking about aborting their children. Then we Christians have to start talking about abortion, don’t we? I mean, sure, abortion shouldn’t be talked about. But the cat’s out of the bag, and we need to have a voice. No?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

To be clear, I’m not talking about making it a regular topic of conversation. “Hello, I’m John and this is my wife Suzie. She’s a teacher and I’m attracted to guys.”

I’m talking about, say, writing a book that is addressed to men in my situation, or single men with SSA considering marriage. But such a book “gets my name out there,” so it’s a very serious question whether it should even be attempted.

Whoa, now you’ve gone into another realm entirely! From just sharing with people one-on-one, in a confidential setting, to writing a book about your SSA struggles…Now you are talking about influencing more than just your children, but their children, and the next generation, on down. A book is a permanent record, and something like this, that God may deliver you from, may not be something you want to set down in writing forever.

I know you said your wife knows about all of this. I am glad that you are not hiding anything from her. But make sure she agrees with anything you tell others. And I would still advise NOT to do it, because your children may not agree (if they are young, they have no say) with your choice to affect their lives.

 

[Fairwinds]

First of all, my wife understands my personal history, understands some of how these attractions developed, and isn’t really bothered by the fact that I struggle with attraction to men as well as women. What hurts her is my sin, not my temptations. Surely she would not encourage me to hide the fact that I’m attracted to men from her, out of some strange belief that “she can’t handle” the idea that her man would find other men beautiful.

I suggest that most women would be greatly offended by their husbands admitting they were attracted to other men.

… I would argue that our hangup about men liking the look of other men *contributes *to perversity, since it hidden attractions become sexualized.)

I cannot comment on your speculation, other than to note I’ve never regarded any other man as beautiful, nor have I ever been attracted to other men. you may be aware of the chaste homosexual love that seems to have been a part of british public schools at one time, Robert Graves talks at length about this in his memoirs Goodbye to all that. seems to have been more than SSA, less than acting out.

As for the attitudes of younger people toward “gays”, this characterization is part of the problem, my friend. If I were to write a book in which I said that I was attracted to men as well as women, I would not be saying I am gay. If people make *that *confusion, then it’s obvious that we need to talk about how sexual attraction works more, not less. Now maybe I’m not the right person to talk about it publicly, but somebody had better.

people (non-Catholics who don’t adopt Catholic nomenclature) would perceive you as being bi-sexual.

 

[estesbob]

To be clear, I’m not talking about making it a regular topic of conversation. “Hello, I’m John and this is my wife Suzie. She’s a teacher and I’m attracted to guys.”

I’m talking about, say, writing a book that is addressed to men in my situation, or single men with SSA considering marriage. But such a book “gets my name out there,” so it’s a very serious question whether it should even be attempted.

Couldnt you write the book under an assumed name? Quite common in the publishing world

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Some things should just be kept at a certain level of privacy for the sake of yourself, your family, and others. However, if you are planning on starting or joining a support group than that’s a different story. Personally I think it would be great if there were groups of SSA people that publicly opposed same sex marriage and other issues. If that is what your goal is than I say go for it.

Having said that, I would not recommend doing so unless your own temptations are under control. I would also say to ask yourself what your motivation for going public is. If your motivation is self-centered, that’s not a good sign. Or if you are looking to attract other “closeted” men to share temptation stories or more, that’s definitely not a good thing. If your motivation is to help bring others closer to Christ, than God speed. Everyone has a calling, maybe that is yours.

Thanks, Spider. This makes a lot of sense. Definitely would not want to start something when I don’t have significant freedom from sin myself.

My goal is this: I’ve spent my entire life without anyone publicly and transparently talking to me about their SSA, in a Christian context. If I had met someone like that as a teenager – oh, my, it would have been such a blessing! I needed to know that there was freedom possible, that I would be able to have a rewarding and consecrated sexual relationship with a woman, that God is my Father and loves me despite my struggle. So my goal is to be that person for someone else, to help them be encouraged and receive the love of the Father.