Married to a high schooler

[guiltycatholic]

I guess I’m just venting, really. Feeling a little lonely in my marriage - a lot lonely. I don’t want to be the wife that idolizes my husband and expects him to fulfill me in every way. But I do wish we were friends. Sometimes it seems like we just got together somehow and now we’re stuck. We’ve been married 5 years - it seems a little early to feel this way. Like maybe when you’ve been together 15, 25 years it’s reasonable to think you don’t feel in love anymore… but it’s kinda always been this way for us.

He’s VERY “dedicated” to his job. I put that in quotes because I think it goes way beyond dedication. It’s not even ABOUT his job, that’s just what it happens to be. It’s about him not having (what I consider to be) the right proiorities.

Yes, he works long hours. He’s on salary so he doesn’t get paid more, he just works more. He considers himself very important at his job. I’m not saying he’s unimportant, but the place will survive without him and he really doesn’t believe that. He works at Walmart but he considers himself always on call, as if he were an obstetrician or something. He doesn’t stand up to people so he’s always getting the extra jobs that others refused to do. He says he has to go in on his days off because everyone else says no, and he doesn’t see the irony in that. There’s a problem with the job.

But like I said, that’s just the symptom of the problem, how it happens to manifest. I stay home with our two kids and I need some time away from them sometimes. He knows this. I’ve told him this countless times. Yet he stays away a much as possible, it seems. Which means I have to stay in with the kids. Paying a babysitter occasionally is pretty much out of the question in his mind. I’ve done it anyway because my sanity depends on it, but I feel like a bad wife since it’s like I’m doing it to defy him. There’s no way I can get “permission” to do it, so I have to do it without his knowledge.

When he gets off work, instead of coming home he stays an extra two hours chatting with someone who came in to shop. Or he drives 30 minutes out of the way to drop off a coworker who’s having car trouble. Or he goes out to the bowling alley with his friends, like tonight. Once in a while, I can understand, but this is at least twice a week. If I complain, not only does it not get through to him at all, but then he makes me out to be a bad guy because “I don’t want him to help others or have fun.”

I just want him to act like a grown up dad with two kids and a wife! I want him to say “Sorry Joe I can’t do that because I need to get home - maybe Single Childless Guy can help you.” Going out with friends is fine, but why don’t I ever get to go? I would love to be included or have my own time out with my own friends. He truly TRULY believes we don’t have enough money for me to go out and do things, or pay a babysitter. He might as well say, “We don’t have enough money for you to go out because I want to go out.”

I want to be a good mom. I want to be a sacrificing wife. I want to be patient and understanding. I feel selfish for wanting time away from the house and the kids. But it’s an upstairs two bedroom apartment that gets smaller everyday, and my husband is out in lala land while I have to do everything!

It’s not much better when he is home. Of course, there’s no security because they could always call him and he’d go rushing in, even on his days off. But if they don’t call him in, he wants to sleep til noon, play video games, eat whenever he feels hungry instead of with the family… you get the picture. Again, if I say anything, I’m nagging and I don’t appreciate him and I’m trying to control him and I don’t realize how hard he works and I don’t want him to have fun or relax.

I feel at a total loss. To make matters worse, we are currently having to practice prolonged abstinence because of my health and needing not to conceive. So it’s like there’s absolutely no connection between us.

I don’t mean to paint such a terrible picture of him. He’s a good guy, all around. He’s not an alcoholic, he doesn’t beat me, he’s not addicted to porn, he reads to the kids, he’s staying with me even though I have medical problems and we can’t have sex… maybe my standards are too high. Am I totally off base?

It’s terrible… I have less and less respect for him all the time. I know I should respect him but I’m straining to find things I respect about him. When I do find some things, it’s like they just don’t make up for all the rest. I’d like to have a man I’m proud of but instead I feel like I married a kid. Someone tell me something other than “see a counselor” - you might have guessed - we can’t afford that!

 

[Swisscath]

I sounds like you are having a tough time. Prayers for huh.
The babysitter idea is a great one. You shouldn’t feel guilty for that. It’s ok to have a break from the kids. If your husband isn’t present to share some of the load you are going to need a break more often.
As for the abstinence are you tracking your cycles? There is a good app called Kindara with a helpful forum. This would be a way for the intimate part of the marriage to work a little better - even if you apply the rules very conservatively.
What does your husband say when you try to talk to him about this? Have you been to see your priest together?

 

[Monte_RCMS]

Praying.

 

[Trident_H]

I understand what you’re saying here. I mean I can understand this broadcast plain and simple. I feel your frustration in this. And I don’t blame you. I mean it’s a hard road to have your guy so blissfully unaware that he’s in a new slot in life.

But I have a few questions for you.

1. What did you like in him when you were dating? Like what drew you like a moth to his flame?
2. How has that changed? I mean was it all him? Did you change too? Did everything change?
3. Have you ever tried to connect to him on a level he understands? Like have you ever tried to game with him? Have you ever gone to see him at work and bring him a treat or something? Have you ever tried to respect some part of what he does?
4. Have you complimented him for the things you do find good. Or noble? Have you made him want to be around you? Have you made him feel good in your orbit?

I mean this isn’t all on you? But then again it sort of is.

Because when you need someone to change their mind? Usually the first thing to getting that done is to change yours first.

And that way you can honestly say you’ve made the same effort you’re sort of expecting from him. And he can honestly agree that you have. And together you can try to meet in the middle.

Peace gc. I really hope you have a bit of luck with this. I’ll double that with a prayer.

-Trident

 

[Irishmom2]

Good thoughts from Trident…

May I add, what is your faith life like? You don’t mention if you attend mass together as a family.

While I agree that you should be able to get out some by using a babysitter at times, you need to be a grown up and just say so. No hiding it from him. You don’t need his permission as you obviously have done so already.

There is a saying that you can’t change someone else, but you can change your attitude towards them.

Honestly, you don’t sound respectful of your husband. You come across as belittling his job and where he works. Maybe he is trying to get ahead.

And the hours he spends there or with friends afterward…maybe you are less than welcoming to him in his mind. Do you tell him you want to spend time with him, or do you only express your need to get out and that he needs to get home? It is all in how the message is given.

I am in no way letting him off the hook, believe me. He is not attentive to you or your family. Families eat should together when they are home. He has kids and he can’t sleep all day or play video games. That’s not fair to his children.

I would suggest that you tell him that you would like for you both to get some counseling as a couple. You could start with your parish priest, he may recommend someone else. If your husband won’t go, go for yourself. It will help you. Do you have any support system? Parents, friends?

Hang in there. Your children must be young. It does get a little easier as they get older.

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

It does seem that one of the issues is that your husband has a problem saying ‘no’ at work–out of curiosity, has he ever been laid off/unemployed in the past? I’ve noticed with myself and others who went through patches of unemployment, we tended be hyper about being seen as valuable the next time we had a job, (probably subconsciously hoping if layoffs happened again, we wouldn’t be the ones to get the axe.)

But if you’re both feeling stuck, that might be playing into why he doesn’t want to be home–I know you said you can’t afford a counselor, but could a program be available through his work? (I recently found out my job offers free five counseling sessions a year, for example.) Would he be willing?

And I know you’re going through a lot right now, but this following statement really bugged me:

I just want him to act like a grown up dad with two kids and a wife! I want him to say “Sorry Joe I can’t do that because I need to get home - maybe Single Childless Guy can help you.”

Speaking as one of the single and childless, I find this rude, demeaning, and dismissive when people expect we can pick up the slack so the married and/or with children can go home at quitting time on the dot. We have responsibilities too, perhaps made even more difficult by the fact we don’t have somebody who can back us up–if I need to take my car to the shop and somebody expects me to take over what he’s doing and work late so he can go home to the wife and kids, then guess what–I can’t exactly call somebody and say, “Can you take my car in for me, I have to cover for John.” We also have families–they’re called our parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews. They like to see us on the holidays too, or have dinner with us. Sometimes we’re taking care of an elderly parent, or we have dogs who need walked, or we’re just freaking human beings who have no more desire to work late/work the holidays than you do, and resent the attitude we should make the sacrifice for everybody else.

 

[Jake_Parker]

Speaking as one of the single and childless, I find this rude, demeaning, and dismissive when people expect we can pick up the slack so the married and/or with children can go home at quitting time on the dot. We have responsibilities too, perhaps made even more difficult by the fact we don’t have somebody who can back us up–if I need to take my car to the shop and somebody expects me to take over what he’s doing and work late so he can go home to the wife and kids, then guess what–I can’t exactly call somebody and say, “Can you take my car in for me, I have to cover for John.” We also have families–they’re called our parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews. They like to see us on the holidays too, or have dinner with us. Sometimes we’re taking care of an elderly parent, or we have dogs who need walked, or we’re just freaking human beings who have no more desire to work late/work the holidays than you do, and resent the attitude we should make the sacrifice for everybody else.

I am not single, but I agree with this completely. It is very disrespectful and rude for married people to assume single people should pick up any slack at work. If a person chooses a job that requires late nights/working holidays, they need to be responsible and stick around. If you don’t like it, find a new job. There are plenty out there that don’t require late nights, and give you major holidays off plus PTO/sick time.

Although, I do think guiltycatholic was referring to her husband not always hanging out with friends, not about work.

 

[3_Dog_Night]

My niece had the exact situation you are describing. The dance went on for a number of years until she couldn’t take it anymore. She would try to raise the issues in their marriage, family and relationship and try to find resolution with her husband; he would ignore her or promise to change or put her down as nagging and difficult.

Basically she was a single parent living with two children and a third child as a husband. Then one day she was done. There was no second chance because it had been years and years of second chances. They have been divorced now for three years.

It is actually better as a single divorced parent because now she has one less child. He was shocked; he thought she would stay with him no matter what he did or how he acted. Why? Because his mother put up with that type of behavior for decades and his folks are still married. Now he lives in his parents’ basement at 40 years old.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. By the way, doing extra for a man who wanted to do nothing at all for the family or to pull his load in family responsibilities only made things worse. It just gave him that much more time to go enjoy nights out with the boys.

(And in case anyone writes to me accusing me of advocating for divorce, that is not the point of this post. The point is that one way or another there will be resolution and it may not be the best alternative or resolution. Have you spoken with your parish priest? And I wonder what would happen if you joined him in “gaming” or “bowling” – bring the kids!)

 

[Mamanurse]

It does seem that one of the issues is that your husband has a problem saying ‘no’ at work–out of curiosity, has he ever been laid off/unemployed in the past? I’ve noticed with myself and others who went through patches of unemployment, we tended be hyper about being seen as valuable the next time we had a job, (probably subconsciously hoping if layoffs happened again, we wouldn’t be the ones to get the axe.)

But if you’re both feeling stuck, that might be playing into why he doesn’t want to be home–I know you said you can’t afford a counselor, but could a program be available through his work? (I recently found out my job offers free five counseling sessions a year, for example.) Would he be willing?

And I know you’re going through a lot right now, but this following statement really bugged me:

Speaking as one of the single and childless, I find this rude, demeaning, and dismissive when people expect we can pick up the slack so the married and/or with children can go home at quitting time on the dot. We have responsibilities too, perhaps made even more difficult by the fact we don’t have somebody who can back us up–if I need to take my car to the shop and somebody expects me to take over what he’s doing and work late so he can go home to the wife and kids, then guess what–I can’t exactly call somebody and say, “Can you take my car in for me, I have to cover for John.” We also have families–they’re called our parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews. They like to see us on the holidays too, or have dinner with us. Sometimes we’re taking care of an elderly parent, or we have dogs who need walked, or we’re just freaking human beings who have no more desire to work late/work the holidays than you do, and resent the attitude we should make the sacrifice for everybody else.

I don’t think the OP was meaning that you have no life and that you should work because he needs to go home. She was meaning more the extracurricular things like, driving a half hour out of the way to bring someone else home, or going out for group things etc.

 

[Xantippe]

He’s VERY “dedicated” to his job. I put that in quotes because I think it goes way beyond dedication. It’s not even ABOUT his job, that’s just what it happens to be. It’s about him not having (what I consider to be) the right proiorities.

Yes, he works long hours. He’s on salary so he doesn’t get paid more, he just works more. He considers himself very important at his job. I’m not saying he’s unimportant, but the place will survive without him and he really doesn’t believe that. He works at Walmart but he considers himself always on call, as if he were an obstetrician or something. He doesn’t stand up to people so he’s always getting the extra jobs that others refused to do. He says he has to go in on his days off because everyone else says no, and he doesn’t see the irony in that. There’s a problem with the job.

But like I said, that’s just the symptom of the problem, how it happens to manifest. I stay home with our two kids and I need some time away from them sometimes. He knows this. I’ve told him this countless times. Yet he stays away a much as possible, it seems. Which means I have to stay in with the kids. Paying a babysitter occasionally is pretty much out of the question in his mind. I’ve done it anyway because my sanity depends on it, but I feel like a bad wife since it’s like I’m doing it to defy him. There’s no way I can get “permission” to do it, so I have to do it without his knowledge.

When he gets off work, instead of coming home he stays an extra two hours chatting with someone who came in to shop. Or he drives 30 minutes out of the way to drop off a coworker who’s having car trouble. Or he goes out to the bowling alley with his friends, like tonight. Once in a while, I can understand, but this is at least twice a week. If I complain, not only does it not get through to him at all, but then he makes me out to be a bad guy because “I don’t want him to help others or have fun.”

I just want him to act like a grown up dad with two kids and a wife! I want him to say “Sorry Joe I can’t do that because I need to get home - maybe Single Childless Guy can help you.” Going out with friends is fine, but why don’t I ever get to go? I would love to be included or have my own time out with my own friends. He truly TRULY believes we don’t have enough money for me to go out and do things, or pay a babysitter. He might as well say, “We don’t have enough money for you to go out because I want to go out.”

I want to be a good mom. I want to be a sacrificing wife. I want to be patient and understanding. I feel selfish for wanting time away from the house and the kids. But it’s an upstairs two bedroom apartment that gets smaller everyday, and my husband is out in lala land while I have to do everything!

It’s not much better when he is home. Of course, there’s no security because they could always call him and he’d go rushing in, even on his days off. But if they don’t call him in, he wants to sleep til noon, play video games, eat whenever he feels hungry instead of with the family… you get the picture. Again, if I say anything, I’m nagging and I don’t appreciate him and I’m trying to control him and I don’t realize how hard he works and I don’t want him to have fun or relax.

I feel at a total loss. To make matters worse, we are currently having to practice prolonged abstinence because of my health and needing not to conceive. So it’s like there’s absolutely no connection between us.

I don’t mean to paint such a terrible picture of him. He’s a good guy, all around. He’s not an alcoholic, he doesn’t beat me, he’s not addicted to porn, he reads to the kids, he’s staying with me even though I have medical problems and we can’t have sex… maybe my standards are too high. Am I totally off base?

Briefly:

1. I think you should point out to your husband that while he loves Walmart, Walmart doesn’t love him, but you do. So he shouldn’t be giving a kidney for Walmart (when Walmart would let him go without any hesitation), while shorting his actual family that really does love him.
2. “I want to have fun, too, honey! Let’s figure out how to have fun together!”

And then think about it and plan some.

1. I think it’s fair to say, “Honey, if you’re away from home more than 60 hours a week, I’m getting a sitter. If you don’t want me to get sitters, figure out how to get your work and friend helping and socializing done in less than 60 hours a week.” You might even want to keep a tally for the week, and when he hits 60 hours, book the sitter.

(I’m assuming that he’s gone about 60 hours a week from your description.)

If you do it that way, it’s now under his control.

1. I probably should have led with this, but you guys need a monthly budget. Pick up Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover from the library and listen to DR on the radio.

Start doing a monthly budget together and tracking expenses. One of the things you need to budget in is “fun money” for both of you. I suspect that your husband is spending at least $100 a month on personal entertainment. You should each get a similar lump of money as “fun money.” That means that if you want to book a sitter and he doesn’t like it, you can say, “I used my fun money, honey!” If he’s currently spending $100 on fun, you can each get $50 from now on. If he’s spending $200 a month on fun, you can each get $100. Etc.

You may get pushback on the budget, or your husband may be relieved, because he may think that you are out of control with spending. Either way, start budgeting. Make sure you know where the money is going.

Good luck!

 

[SuperHappy]

It seems like when we are in the middle of daily tasks, little things can accumulate and start to wear us down. Or we don’t understand the perspective of the other partner.

Maybe you should take a deep breath and step back to see the bigger picture. Maybe your husband wants to be a good provider (and he must be, as you don’t have to work outside your home) and be a good example to your children of a hard worker. But on the other side, it sounds like he feels entitled to do what he wants. So he is not understanding your perspective and needs either.

I don’t know how old your children are, but there are mom groups at many churches where moms meet and there is childcare provided at no cost. If your church offers this, you should take advantage. Your children will be taken care of and you can have time to meet up with other moms. Alternately there are mother’s morning out programs for a low fee where you can drop your children off and have a few hours free to recharge.

Please try to look at the good parts of your life – many people would love to have what you have : a hardworking husband who has good work ethics and is generous, a chance to stay at home with precious babies rather than have to use daycare and go to work, a nice (albeit small) home. You have many, many blessings, please choose to see them as that!

Also the two of you can probably get counseling through Catholic Services in your area, it is on a low-cost, sliding scale for fees.

God bless you!

 

[tinamn]

With a few minor differences in details (and one big one, being alcohol), I could have written your post. I don’t know that I have advice for you, or that anything I would say would be helpful because I’m in the thick of it right now too… so I guess I’ll just hope that you can take some measure of comfort, however small it may be, that you’re not the only one.

I have struggled with the respect issue towards my husband, because I feel like he doesn’t have a lot of respect for me. And it’s not like I’m saying to myself “well, I won’t respect him because he doesn’t respect me” - it’s more like I tend to automatically respond in the same way I’ve been treated. I have to make a very conscious effort.

A suggestion I’ve seen frequently, especially for stay at home moms, is to find a play group. You can build friendships that way, and possibly work out something like a… I forget the name - like a babysitting swap? Someone watches your kids while you get a few hours to yourself, and you return the favor for them.

One thing I’d like to say, because I have heard this said to me too, is be careful of heeding the “you need to make an effort too” piece of advice TOO much. I’ve been married 10 years. I’m the only one in the relationship that makes an effort. That in itself is wearing on a person, and then you add in doing the kids, housework, and a job… and it seems insurmountable. Yes, you should make an effort. But you shouldn’t be the only one making the effort.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

Many prayers for you, him and your children. Will pray before commenting further. Peace, g.

 

[Lou2U]

Briefly:

1. I think you should point out to your husband that while he loves Walmart, Walmart doesn’t love him, but you do. So he shouldn’t be giving a kidney for Walmart (when Walmart would let him go without any hesitation), while shorting his actual family that really does love him.
2. “I want to have fun, too, honey! Let’s figure out how to have fun together!”

And then think about it and plan some.

1. I think it’s fair to say, “Honey, if you’re away from home more than 60 hours a week, I’m getting a sitter. If you don’t want me to get sitters, figure out how to get your work and friend helping and socializing done in less than 60 hours a week.” You might even want to keep a tally for the week, and when he hits 60 hours, book the sitter.

(I’m assuming that he’s gone about 60 hours a week from your description.)

If you do it that way, it’s now under his control.

1. I probably should have led with this, but you guys need a monthly budget. Pick up Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover from the library and listen to DR on the radio.

Start doing a monthly budget together and tracking expenses. One of the things you need to budget in is “fun money” for both of you. I suspect that your husband is spending at least $100 a month on personal entertainment. You should each get a similar lump of money as “fun money.” That means that if you want to book a sitter and he doesn’t like it, you can say, “I used my fun money, honey!” If he’s currently spending $100 on fun, you can each get $50 from now on. If he’s spending $200 a month on fun, you can each get $100. Etc.

You may get pushback on the budget, or your husband may be relieved, because he may think that you are out of control with spending. Either way, start budgeting. Make sure you know where the money is going.

Good luck!

Yes. I think this is the best way to go, OP, especially #3.

Lou

 

[Eliza10]

My niece had the exact situation you are describing. The dance went on for a number of years until she couldn’t take it anymore. She would try to raise the issues in their marriage, family and relationship and try to find resolution with her husband; he would ignore her or promise to change or put her down as nagging and difficult.

… They have been divorced now for three years.

It is actually better as a single divorced parent because now she has one less child. …
If no… ** By the way, doing extra for a man who wanted to do nothing at all for the family or to pull his load in family responsibilities only made things worse. It just gave him that much more time to go enjoy nights out with the boys. **
…

Excellent point there at the end. This is a helpful post, because it is just natural consequences.

I also had a friend who went this way too, for the same reason. Her husband was a nice guy, just, no help, no husband. But one day someone came along who did hear her and value her, and that was that. That’s not right, but it was a natural consequences. The affair was no cure, and led to nothing good, but it did lead to divorce. And the reality is that my friend found single motherhood to be a LOT easier with one less child.

To the OP, I am not recommending my friend’s course of action, first because its wrong, also because divorce is awful for everyone especially the kids. I am just saying, the problem you have of a husband not laying down his life for his wife and his family is a serious problem. He is living for himself, and that is not the vow he made. An important question is, is he capable of keeping the vow? I hope so.

Now we say people should get counseling but history is full of wives/moms who could not afford counseling. Wives then had to use their brains and figure something out to change the situation. So I say to the OP, I think you can figure out some completely different approach to the one you are using that obviously does not work.

Also when you are in such a desperately trying situation its hurtful to be told: “you need to try harder/be better/be nicer”, but, when you solicit advice you will get that from people who don’t know what its like to be in your shoes. So you have to take it with a grain of salt and sift through for ideas that can help you in your particular situation that only you know. Xantippe had some good ideas; maybe some of those will help or get you thinking in a new direction. Because you need a new direction.

An idea that comes to mind is the book, Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It tells spouses how to get the wandering spouse back. You husband is doing a sort of wandering where you always come last. Hounding him or just politely requesting that he be a husband and dad is a sort of pursing on your part that he is only running from. Dobson explains a technique for getting the running spouse to turn back and pursue you, instead. I think it would be a useful help for you. But it is contingent upon your husband not seeing the book. You can get the book for a penny on amazon used, plus 3.99 shipping. Also it may be at the library (it used to be at all of them, but these days books on making marriage work are not in the popular issues of the day).

A possible problem might be that because you are always there, and always available, so predictably, it makes you so easy take for granted. What if you weren’t there when you were expected to be? What if he came home from the bowling alley fun-night and you and the kids were gone visiting, and you did not leave a note because you did not know when to expect him back? What if he calls from work to check on you (to see if you are still where you are supposed to be so he knows its safe to go chat with his buddies for a couple hours before he comes home, but, you can’t be reached because you decided to have a “no phone day” for your peace of mind (I mean, you are not getting relief or help from your husband so you have to find your own creative ways to find peace). If he complains, “You can’t do that! I was worried!” you should respond in some exact way that he typically responds to you, with the same tone. If that idea poses problems or is too extreme, adjust it.

I have a friend who was also trapped - more trapped than you because she had no green card, which was her husband’s fault - and could not afford counseling so she had to be clever in the face of neglect. Her words did not mean anything to her husband, so she had to do things like treat him how he treated her, and use the same words on him that he used on her, in an innocent, not-vindictive way (implying, not saying: “Oh, I was just following the rules you made”) so that he could actually see what it was like to be on the receiving end of his words/ways. This actually worked, eventually, but it was a long road to hoe. And it was important, because she was a sacrificing wife, but he instead was treating her like a doormat. She needed to act to help him decide it was in his best interest to change, because that the status quo was not good for him, for her, or for the kids. Something had to be done, and she was the only one who could act.

I do not know enough of your situation to give specific advice. I am just sharing thoughts and ideas to get your own ideas running. My point is, if your predictability is aiding his neglect, then its time to change your predictability. Because you don’t want to support bad behavior. No, that would be helping him become his own worst self. And since your words clearly have no bearing on his actions, you need to take *actions *that have bearing on his actions. Hopefully others here will have suggestions for actions to take to influence him to change his ways, if words aren’t working (they don’t seem to be).

I am praying for you now.

 

[Kurisu35712]

These kinds of posts are always so difficult. You obviously feel very under-appreciated, and rightly so. A good husband and partner would hopefully catch on to these kinds of things, and I’m going to say his behavior seems incredibly selfish. But it’s a problem a lot of men face, and they really have no outlet. He’s working to support a family, which causes an incredible amount of stress, so his going out with his friends is more than likely his way of coping with the day-to-day stress of working. That said, he also shouldn’t be doing so in a way that excludes you or puts unnecessary burden on you. Raising kids is a full-time job of its own, and you also need and deserve breaks, which he may simply not understand. To him, he probably sees your children on weekends, late at night around dinner time, so on, so he most likely doesn’t realize how difficult they can be at times.

The most significant issue with this situation, as well as most situations like it, is a lack of communication. Or even worse, a fear of communication. You don’t want to be seen as the nagging wife, as you say, but your husband isn’t being responsible. He’s your husband, and he’s your children’s father. So many people, men and women, end up making some really regrettable life choices that often boil down to a less than adequate relationship with their father. Don’t bring this up in any kind of argument with him, however. I’m just trying to communicate that you seem to be right and his behavior is a problem. Do bear in mind, though, that it is an incredibly common problem, especially with men today. Workaholics are that way because they often don’t understand how important their families are to them, and simply take them for granted. Which is very sad, and no fault of yours, but from his perspective, he’s very likely seeing it as himself working very hard all the time without even giving himself necessary time off because he needs to financially support his family, and his time with friends or talking to people after work is something he earned for working so hard.

Now, more from his perspective. He might honestly feel unappreciated. Humans remember negative events more easily than positive ones. Compliment him more often. That’s one thing a huge number of men reported when asked on a reddit thread regarding difficult things women don’t know about being a man. Men don’t get compliments. Our only value to society as a whole, and this is subconsciously drilled into our heads all the time, is what we can do or produce. Which leads to the (incorrect) conclusion that we aren’t worth anything as people. That thought, coupled with the stigma associated with getting mental or emotional help as a man, is one of the reasons so many men have psychological problems, depression, etc. Men don’t really ever get compliments based solely on who they are as a person or their appearance. Tell him a shirt fits him really well, tell him his hair looks really good today, tell him he looks sexy in those pants. Whatever the case may be. But make it genuine. Tell him how much you appreciate that he reads to your kids at night, and how much they love him for that.

Also important. You mentioned when he’s home on weekends, he sleeps late, plays video games, eats snacks and whatnot. For him, that is relaxation. For you it may be going out to get coffee with some friends. If you were to suggest something like “let’s go to the zoo today instead” or something like that, he will more than likely see it as a chore and you trying to plan out his day, even if you don’t intend it that way. That’s how he does “not working.” Speaking from personal experience as a guy, if someone wants me to get up from a video game to go do something, I tend to resent it simply because they aren’t being understanding of the fact that I’m already having fun. So it may well breed resentment if he’s interpreting every suggestion as another list of tasks he needs to do. Which again, isn’t your fault, but it’s not exactly his fault either, other than by him not being empathetic enough to understand where you’re coming from.

Also, you both need to go out on dates. Even if that date is just putting the kids to sleep and sitting on the couch to watch a movie, so long as it’s something both of you want to do together. Kids are a full time job, but you can’t raise them properly if your relationship with your husband isn’t working. Do things you *both *enjoy together. But it can’t be a chore for either of you. I noticed this with my girlfriend’s mom and stepdad. They’d go on one date every week, hire a babysitter or have grandma watch gf’s younger brother, and then go out to eat or go see a movie. But it was on a schedule, like every Friday, and instead of enjoying each other’s company, would use it as an opportunity to air grievances and try to solve their issues. Which always turned into a one-sided argument and more stress than if they’d just stayed home. Which breeds more resentment, which results in more unhappy “dates” which results in more arguments at home, more misbehaving kids, more eye rolling by my gf and her grandma… It becomes a cycle. Do not use dates or alone time together as an opportunity to bring up problems. If your husband is spending time with you, be sure that time is enjoyable. A date is not the time for an argument or a discussion or a talk.

I’m just ranting advice at this point, so I hope you understand I don’t find you to be at fault here, just trying to help as best I know how. I may be way off base with everything I said, so I apologize if so. I’ll include you in my intentions later today.

 

[Allegra]

I know how you feel. My husband works a lot too and it took him a frustratingly long time to learn to tell people “no”, “I need off that day.” “I can’t stay late.” and “My family’s waiting for me”. He has gotten a lot better, though I think he genuinely does want to be home. The only idea I have is to actually plan fun activities for you family on the days he is off. We do a lot of adventures and picnics as a family. Since he has to work on Saturday we’re often in the parking lot waiting for him when he comes out.

 

[1ke]

“you have to praise him” and “he works so hard” and “you have to show him you appreciate him”

There’s a phrase we use in TX for that- it’s in the refrain of the Cotton Eyed Joe… “y’all say what?” B…S…

This man-child thing of playing video games all night, binging on TV while eating junk food, going out with the guys after work-- it’s an epidemic in our narcissistic culture. It’s a **real **problem. These men literally do not see themselves as parents or partners.

I am really baffled by all the advice here to praise him and “understand” his behavior. His behavior is 100% unacceptable.

 

[Kurisu35712]

“you have to praise him” and “he works so hard” and “you have to show him you appreciate him”

There’s a phrase we use in TX for that- it’s in the refrain of the Cotton Eyed Joe… “y’all say what?” B…S…

This man-child thing of playing video games all night, binging on TV while eating junk food, going out with the guys after work-- it’s an epidemic in our narcissistic culture. It’s a **real **problem. These men literally do not see themselves as parents or partners.

I am really baffled by all the advice here to praise him and “understand” his behavior. His behavior is 100% unacceptable.

Because showing no sympathy whatsoever and giving people who are already behaving badly ultimatums has solved so many disputes in the past.

No one is saying he shouldn’t take responsibility. He’s the one ultimately at fault here, and needs to prioritize his family over his job. But he also isn’t in a position where ultimatums are going to do much good. If he’s being irresponsible, taking away reasons for him to be responsible are more than likely just going to enable his behavior even more. He needs help with self-control and needs to understand that he needs to be there for his family, not just provide some money for them, but if he isn’t listening to his wife’s concerns now, what advice would you offer? I guarantee you, calling him a narcissistic man child isn’t going to help anyone.

 

[Katherine438]

I had marital issues during the first 5 to 10 years of my marriage also … but I found out why … he was cheating on me … being Catholic we worked through it … actually as we worked through it, he became Catholic … (he had no religion when we first married). Have to say that we are now very happily married for 35 years … we raised a beautiful daughter together … and we are looking forward to spending our old age together. Not trying to say that my problem is your problem … doesn’t really sound like it is … but what I am saying is that if my marriage made it through something as bad as some pretty bad cheating, there are always ways to work through issues … even difficult issues … I think you already received some great advice in this thread … I pray that you two work it out … God Bless.