Married to a high schooler

[Irishmom2]

Well tonight I proposed the idea to him that I get a babysitter when he works 60 or more hours per week. He said sure, he could maybe ask his mom once in a while. I said no, I wanted to hire someone so it was a sure thing. (His mother usually says no, and she has her married daughter with husband and 5 children living with her right now). I also said we were going to need to start prioritizing time together and budgeting.
Three and a half hours later, it’s not good. He’s spent all this time ranting how that’s the most selfish and unloving thing he’s ever heard, how he bends over backwards providing everything so that I can sit around doing nothing and have whatever I want. He threw in how he still puts up with me even though I have health problems and I’m not a prefect house cleaner. It escalated quickly to him discounting the entire 7 years since we met, telling me that nothing I say counts for anything since he can’t trust me and I take advantage of him. He said I’m just like my mother, just like his ex gf who was a drug addict and cheated on him, just like our priest who talks too much and “beats a dead horse” in his homilies… He brought up everything he thought would hurt me, like: he could just kick me out, he could move to that other state with his job without me, no other man would talk to me, I neglect the children, etc etc
Basically he was extremely upset and said a bunch of mean ridiculous stuff. He gets really viscous when he’s angry, but several days later he’s always very humble and apologetic. (I get crazy when I’m upset too sometimes, so no judgement!) Granted, I am a little heartbroken, and the only thing that kept me going was praying the Hail Mary and St Micheal prayer to myself the whole time. I managed to stay calm through it all and honestly I’m a little relieved. Because that was it - the worst is over. And “the worst” is just him experiencing emotional upset, like I have been for several years while we’ve been avoiding this.
I am really sad that he had to experience that, but if that’s what it takes to regain some sanity and equality in life then it’s worth a night of arguing. I know he won’t talk to me for the next few days, and we’ll fight about it again. He is sleeping on the couch and says he can’t stand to be near me. I’m going to need prayers to be strong and find distractions.
I thought about telling him I’m considering going to work, since he was holding it so far over my head that I don’t. But I figured that in his extremely negative and emotional state, he would just take that in some convoluted way and make it worse.
I’m probably going to talk to my priest, even if he blows me off like before. And schedule some time out with my friends. Please pray for me, and him, and our children.

There is another thread on this site where a husband told his wife he is going to divorce her in a couple of years. Several people, including myself, encouraged her to “get her ducks in a row” and see a lawyer. If he is making threats to kick you out, take your kids etc., you need to know what the possibilities would be. I don’t think he would get custody, but you need to know what you would be up against. It doesn’t hurt to find out.

I agree that your husband is irrational and immature. The rant about your mom and his ex girlfriend raised a red flag to me that he has some issues…

I think what is more important for your children at this point, more than homeschooling, is to have at least one stable, rational patent. I think you should put them in school or daycare and start working. It is not your husbands decision, it is yours. It sounds like you need to get a plan in place, because he treats you like his mom, and he is a rebellious teen who resents hearing the truth.

 

[Lou2U]

Also, like most men, I don’t like to talk about work when I come home. I don’t like to share my concerns, issues, etc with my wife because it causes me more stress to discuss it. So, leave it at work and do everything I can to avoid discussing work with my wife because my house is my “safe place.”

But the OP doesn’t get the house as her “safe place”. She doesn’t get a place to go to and de-stress, which is what she needs. He doesn’t like hearing that things need to change.

OP, keep going ahead with the babysitter and the counselor. You mentioned speaking to your Priest, which is another good idea. Your husband may not agree or join you but hopefully it’ll tell him that something needs to give.

Lou

 

[phil19034]

But the OP doesn’t get the house as her “safe place”. She doesn’t get a place to go to and de-stress, which is what she needs. He doesn’t like hearing that things need to change.

OP, keep going ahead with the babysitter and the counselor. You mentioned speaking to your Priest, which is another good idea. Your husband may not agree or join you but hopefully it’ll tell him that something needs to give.

Lou

I agree 100%. The house needs to be a “safe place” for her too. If it isn’t, there is a major issue.

 

[kozlosap]

I don’t understand why you would be considering homeschool if you are under such stress from your kids and you have no assistance from your husband? I believe that homeschool is a huge undertaking. I am sure you have your reasons, but if you are already this stressed out, I think being responsible for your child’s complete education will add to this stress a hundredfold.

How much does your husband make? Your post makes it seem like you think 40,000 is not much money. That’s good money in most places, especially if you are under such burden financially as you describe.

Again, even though your husband obviously needs a lot of correction, you should also look at the good things he does as well. It is very easy to get caught up in only focusing on what you dislike and the internal strife you feel. Take a minute daily to be thankful and to ask God to open your eyes to the good things in your life. And again, take some action of going to a mother’s group or something.

I can’t imagine anyone thinking that in 2016, $40K a year is good money for supporting a family of four. If you are able to work as a court reporter, even part time, it would help you, and your situation. Has your husband looked for a position that pays more? If he has a college education, it seems that he should be making substantially more. I’m praying for you and your little ones.

 

[pensmama87]

I can’t imagine anyone thinking that in 2016, $40K a year is good money for supporting a family of four. If you are able to work as a court reporter, even part time, it would help you, and your situation. Has your husband looked for a position that pays more? If he has a college education, it seems that he should be making substantially more. I’m praying for you and your little ones.

I think that it’s what she could realistically bring in if she were working full-time also. I could see quality childcare eating up at least half of that easily (I used to babysit kids in my home so I’m familiar with rates around here.) Whether it’s worth it is definitely something to be weighed, but considering more recent posts I would think it more urgent to bring in extra income.

 

[Catherinabird]

And this is the problem. You’ve been on the receiving end of emotional abuse for so long you have come to accept it as normal. It’s NOT normal.

Ain’t nothing going to change, honey. Nothing. Nada. It’s time to do what you know needs doing before he extinguishes that one little spark inside you that KNOWS this is total cr*p, that little part of you who reached out here so that SOMEONE would tell you:

You aren’t crazy
He is
Get out while you still can

I mean, he is looney tunes, honey.

Thank you for writing this response.

OP, some of the words you’ve written are the exact same words I have been hearing from my husband for years. Some of the exact same words. It is heartbreaking. And confusing. And cyclical. And then you question yourself when he is nice again. Because he seems so nice and loving otherwise, and how dare you feel like he is anything but good to you. I’m in the middle of my own storm so I’m not any help. But know you are not alone. You’re in my prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

**But the OP doesn’t get the house as her “safe place”. She doesn’t get a place to go to and de-stress, which is what she needs. **

Exactly.

Being a homemaker is like living in your cubicle at work.

 

[phil19034]

Well tonight I proposed the idea to him that I get a babysitter when he works 60 or more hours per week. He said sure, he could maybe ask his mom once in a while. I said no, I wanted to hire someone so it was a sure thing. (His mother usually says no, and she has her married daughter with husband and 5 children living with her right now). I also said we were going to need to start prioritizing time together and budgeting.
Three and a half hours later, it’s not good. He’s spent all this time ranting how that’s the most selfish and unloving thing he’s ever heard, how he bends over backwards providing everything so that I can sit around doing nothing and have whatever I want. He threw in how he still puts up with me even though I have health problems and I’m not a prefect house cleaner. It escalated quickly to him discounting the entire 7 years since we met, telling me that nothing I say counts for anything since he can’t trust me and I take advantage of him. He said I’m just like my mother, just like his ex gf who was a drug addict and cheated on him, just like our priest who talks too much and “beats a dead horse” in his homilies… He brought up everything he thought would hurt me, like: he could just kick me out, he could move to that other state with his job without me, no other man would talk to me, I neglect the children, etc etcBasically he was extremely upset and said a bunch of mean ridiculous stuff. He gets really viscous when he’s angry, but several days later he’s always very humble and apologetic. (I get crazy when I’m upset too sometimes, so no judgement!) Granted, I am a little heartbroken, and the only thing that kept me going was praying the Hail Mary and St Micheal prayer to myself the whole time. I managed to stay calm through it all and honestly I’m a little relieved. Because that was it - the worst is over. And “the worst” is just him experiencing emotional upset, like I have been for several years while we’ve been avoiding this.
I am really sad that he had to experience that, but if that’s what it takes to regain some sanity and equality in life then it’s worth a night of arguing. I know he won’t talk to me for the next few days, and we’ll fight about it again. He is sleeping on the couch and says he can’t stand to be near me. I’m going to need prayers to be strong and find distractions.
I thought about telling him I’m considering going to work, since he was holding it so far over my head that I don’t. But I figured that in his extremely negative and emotional state, he would just take that in some convoluted way and make it worse.
I’m probably going to talk to my priest, even if he blows me off like before. And schedule some time out with my friends. Please pray for me, and him, and our children.

If the above was set off by the idea of getting a babysitter and budgeting, then it sounds like your husband has some kind of deep-seated issue that he needs professional help with.

I’m glad to read that you speaking to a counselor over the phone.

I will pray for you and your husband. He really needs to talk to someone because it sounds like he’s bottling up stress and then blows up. Or that he has some deep issues that he might not even be aware of.

God Bless

 

[guiltycatholic]

Thank you for writing this response.

OP, some of the words you’ve written are the exact same words I have been hearing from my husband for years. Some of the exact same words. It is heartbreaking. And confusing. And cyclical. And then you question yourself when he is nice again. Because he seems so nice and loving otherwise, and how dare you feel like he is anything but good to you. I’m in the middle of my own storm so I’m not any help. But know you are not alone. You’re in my prayers.

Thank you! I will be praying for you and offering my hurts for your marriage.

 

[guiltycatholic]

Yeah, I also suspect that your husband’s hours and lifestyle are holding him back at work
If you were 50-year-old Walmart manager, would you promote a guy who lives like your husband does? He probably does not sound very mature to the older family-oriented boss types.

This is speculative and it probably would not be well received at this point, but the idea has crossed my mind. If he wants the big job, he needs to look and sound like the people who have the big job–not sound like the lower tier employees.

Also, if he’s staying up late consistently, his brain is probably not firing on all cylinders. Sleep deprivation makes you stupid.

“Sleep deprivation leaves the brain exhausted, so it can’t perform its duties well. The most obvious effect is sleepiness. You may find yourself yawning a lot and feeling sluggish. Lack of sleep interferes with your ability to concentrate and learn new things. It can negatively impact both short-term and long-term memory. It gets in the way of your decision-making process and stifles creativity. Your emotions are also affected, making you more likely to have a short temper and mood swings. Overall cognitive function is impaired.”

healthline.com/health/sleep-deprivation/effects-on-body

The “short temper” and “mood swings” also jumped out at me.

Lord knows it is hard enough to get enough sleep in a household with small children without staying out until all hours–your husband is really shooting himself in both feet with his lifestyle.

I think it goes back to ordering your life right, with God as number one priority, and everything else follows appropriately. He’s been idolizing his job, or the income, or his ego, or his individuality, or something I don’t know - maybe even our marriage! Everything just gets out of whack with wrong priorities, you can’t make good decisions, you can’t hardly make any decisions at all. He has to get there in his own time and in his own way. If I presume to try and guide him there, that’s just the blind leading the blind.

Seems to me the reason he hasn’t gotten ahead in his job is because he doesn’t push for it. He just has no motivation or drive for success. Of course they don’t just give promotions out like candy. But as long as he’s willing to do more for less, why would they promote him? There’s no reason to pay someone who will do it for free. He’s just very content. When they put him off he says ok. The only reason he’s even trying to get promoted now is because I’ve been “nagging” him for over a year about getting into a house.

Truth is, he has made progress by leaps and bounds since we first met. Back then he actually stepped down from being a department manager back to just an associate position because he didn’t like it. On one hand that’s good he made a change when he wasn’t happy, but on the other hand, why not try to do better instead of settling back where you came from?? Now he rises to his challenges more often, he’s less afraid to be in charge, and after someone tells him the benefits of bigger positions, he considers them. That’s a lot of changing he’s been doing.

Unfortunately even after 5 years I’ve been unable to influence his sleeping (or eating) patterns. That’s his deal and I suppose he will decide to change after it catches up with him. We’re talking about a guy whose parents still smoke heavily because they don’t believe the “hype” about lung cancer.
I also realize as another person said, that he could probably benefit from counseling. But seriously y’all are underestimating how content this man is! Even when he’s not particularly happy with something, which is rare, even then he’s not inclined to change. It’s time for ME to change, I just have to figure out how and what to change. And it goes against all the ideals I’ve been taught about putting others before yourself, laying down your life for those you love, being a sacrificing and patient and loving wife. But I have legitimate needs and he’s not going to meet them! I have to praise God that he and the Blessed Mother have been here and given me lots of consolation through this whole process. I couldn’t do this otherwise.

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, you are right, the only person you can change is yourself. If you can’t change the situation, you must change your attitude toward it. Sounds like you have kind of been banging your head against the wall for years. Time to stop doing that and try something else, something for yourself. And it sounds like you have had your eyes opened and are willing to do that.

 

[guiltycatholic]

I don’t understand why you would be considering homeschool if you are under such stress from your kids and you have no assistance from your husband? I believe that homeschool is a huge undertaking. I am sure you have your reasons, but if you are already this stressed out, I think being responsible for your child’s complete education will add to this stress a hundredfold.

How much does your husband make? Your post makes it seem like you think 40,000 is not much money. That’s good money in most places, especially if you are under such burden financially as you describe.

Again, even though your husband obviously needs a lot of correction, you should also look at the good things he does as well. It is very easy to get caught up in only focusing on what you dislike and the internal strife you feel. Take a minute daily to be thankful and to ask God to open your eyes to the good things in your life. And again, take some action of going to a mother’s group or something.

If I went to work for 40k I would make more than he does. There’s nothing wrong with his income level - there’s a problem with our outgo though, which is preventing us from getting a house. He is the one who believes we can’t afford babysitting and a home. What I said was that court reporters make less than I thought they did, and I’m not sure that income would justify the cost of childcare for two children.
I do look at the good things he does, this just happens to be a thread about a problem we’re having so bringing up how he’s funny and kind and humble etc has no relevance to this thread.

 

[guiltycatholic]

OP, you are right the only person you can change is yourself. If you can’t change the situation, you must change your attitude toward it. Sounds like you have kind of been banging your head against the wall for years. Time to stop doing that and try something else, something for yourself. And it sounds like you have had your eyes opened and are willing to do that.

Yes! It’s sort of exciting.
In response to several posts about the income, I do consider his income to be very modest for our circumstances. But I am very confident a promotion will come. And after that eventually another promotion. That’s how companies generally work - he’s already been there 10 years with no plans on leaving, so he will climb the ladder. I’ve noticed that often with less ambitious hardworking individuals, other people eventually insist they accept some recompense. Besides, they’ve been talking about a promotion since July. It may be slow to come but it will with the way they’re talking. He was promoted once before and that one was a more desperate situation because he had been making 28k and that’s just not enough. Now he makes more and it’s workable. My problem isn’t really with his income. It’s more about priorities. If we were on a budget it would be like a promotion, as Dave says. But if we can’t budget now when it’s so obvious we need to, then I have my doubts about going to work to bring in more money to mismanage, especially if half will go to childcare.

 

[Xantippe]

If I went to work for 40k I would make more than he does. There’s nothing wrong with his income level - there’s a problem with our outgo though, which is preventing us from getting a house. He is the one who believes we can’t afford babysitting and a home. What I said was that court reporters make less than I thought they did, and I’m not sure that income would justify the cost of childcare for two children.
I do look at the good things he does, this just happens to be a thread about a problem we’re having so bringing up how he’s funny and kind and humble etc has no relevance to this thread.

If your husband makes less than $40k, then outgo is not your primary problem. That’s what Dave Ramsey would tell you.

DR usually encourages below median income people (which your family is) to increase their income and he usually encourages above median income people to cut down their spending.

This is not primarily an outgo issue, except for the fact that your husband has a teen-living-at-home-with-parents style of spending. But heck, even teens living at home have curfews.

 

[Sugabee43]

You sound a lot like my husband. The problem is that while he’s feeling the weight of responsibility, so am I. Working is not more responsibility than homemaking and raising a family. Some days I just WISH I could punch in and out, have tasks delegated to me, and receive a paycheck! He provides for the family in ONE way, I provide for the family in EVERY OTHER WAY.
Whether or not he’s depressed or feels like a failure isn’t my responsibility - that’s his own issue to work through. I’m here to support him, love him and encourage him, which I do. If he’s so unhappy he should look for a different job, which my husband hasn’t, or try to get some help, which my husband hasn’t. It’s not okay for him to just transfer his burden onto me and not deal with it.
And if my husband comes home like you, expecting me to be there waiting solely for him and yet totally dismiss that I have also been living and working all day, that’s just not going to happen. Putting off meeting your wife’s needs until after your needs are met and the kids are in bed doesn’t sound like she’s a priority to you, it sounds like she’s last on the list if you get around to it. I’m a great listener to my husband, who brings work home all the time. That’s almost all he talks to me about, and I enjoy hearing about his day. Sometimes I listen as he vents and wait for him to ask about my day too, but my turn never comes around. If I want to vent and de-stress I just have to jump in there, and I think I should.
My husband is very competitive and sometimes when I talk about my day he sees it as a competition where he needs to show that his day was harder or longer or worse or whatever. I’m not interested in competing, especially not with him. You can’t compare apples and bananas. And having a job is not answering some call above and beyond your duties - almost everyone has a job and goes to work every day.
It’s amazing to me that some people actually believe that a husband has the right to expect to be preoccupied with work and his own feelings when he gets off, and de-stress as soon as he comes home, but his stay-at-home wife doesn’t have the right to vent and de-stress when her workday is “over”. He is even entitled to use her body to de-stress but it’s not okay for her to say, “I need emotional intimacy BEFORE I can have physical intimacy.” I’m sorry if I sound harsh but your post makes me think your wife has the same problem I do.

OMGosh, I love you!!! This is EXACTLY what happens in my house, and has for the last 23 years!! I was a SAHM until our youngest entered kindergarten, then went back to work in a school district so that I could be home at the same time as our children. My husband has ALWAYS acted as if my job/jobs were less important or less taxing or less stressful than mine- even when I work outside the home AND inside the home.

 

[Sugabee43]

There is another thread on this site where a husband told his wife he is going to divorce her in a couple of years. Several people, including myself, encouraged her to “get her ducks in a row” and see a lawyer. If he is making threats to kick you out, take your kids etc., you need to know what the possibilities would be. I don’t think he would get custody, but you need to know what you would be up against. It doesn’t hurt to find out.

I agree that your husband is irrational and immature. The rant about your mom and his ex girlfriend raised a red flag to me that he has some issues…

I think what is more important for your children at this point, more than homeschooling, is to have at least one stable, rational patent. I think you should put them in school or daycare and start working. It is not your husbands decision, it is yours. It sounds like you need to get a plan in place, because he treats you like his mom, and he is a rebellious teen who resents hearing the truth.

Hello… that’s me - LOL

 

[1ke]

Yes! It’s sort of exciting.

what’s exciting? The way your husband treats you? I’m confused.

But I am very confident a promotion will come. And after that eventually another promotion. That’s how companies generally work - he’s already been there 10 years with no plans on leaving, so he will climb the ladder. I’ve noticed that often with less ambitious hardworking individuals, other people eventually insist they accept some recompense. Besides, they’ve been talking about a promotion since July. It may be slow to come but it will with the way they’re talking.

As a manager for the last 25 years, I can tell you this is absolutely NOT how it works.

I do not promote “less ambitious” people. I do not promote people because they’ve been here a long time. I promote people who have demonstrated they have the ability to work effectively, to manage others, to take on more complex challenges.

If your husband acts at all at work like he does elsewhere, I would not promote him to more responsibility.

Putting in long hours does not equate to a promotion-- it would completely depend on what he was doing during those “long hours” and whether he had produced results in my store-- more revenue per square foot, less expense per square foot, reduced loss from theft, more efficient ways of doing things, etc. If he’s just putting in long hours because he doesn’t have anywhere else he would rather be-- not promotion material in my book.

Walmart has a structured leadership program. Is he a part of it? Has he asked to be?

trainingmag.com/content/soapbox-developing-leaders-walmart

Even in the old days, 10 years should have gotten you to store manager if you were on that path.

Ultimately, however, it doesn’t matter if he is CEO of Walmart-- he has serious emotional and behavioral issues.

 

[SuperHappy]

I can’t imagine anyone thinking that in 2016, $40K a year is good money for supporting a family of four. If you are able to work as a court reporter, even part time, it would help you, and your situation. Has your husband looked for a position that pays more? If he has a college education, it seems that he should be making substantially more. I’m praying for you and your little ones.

My apologies, I meant to help support the family 40,000 is good money. Or if she is alone with her two children and getting child support, that is good money. Maybe perspectives are different depending on the cost of living for different cities.

I also am praying for this family.

 

[SuperHappy]

I think that it’s what she could realistically bring in if she were working full-time also. I could see quality childcare eating up at least half of that easily (I used to babysit kids in my home so I’m familiar with rates around here.) Whether it’s worth it is definitely something to be weighed, but considering more recent posts I would think it more urgent to bring in extra income.

If her financial situation is as bad as it seems, even spending half on childcare, 20,000 is still a substantial help to the household, just saying. There’s also possibility that there could be childcare subsidy for her. I just think she should consider the future, start preparing, if this man throws her out as he is threatening then what? At least if she considers becoming gainfully employed she won’t feel so trapped and so without resources.

Sometimes it is not pleasant, and it is not what we want, but we have to do what has to be done.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes! It’s sort of exciting.
In response to several posts about the income, I do consider his income to be very modest for our circumstances. But I am very confident a promotion will come. And after that eventually another promotion. That’s how companies generally work - he’s already been there 10 years with no plans on leaving, so he will climb the ladder. I’ve noticed that often with less ambitious hardworking individuals, other people eventually insist they accept some recompense. Besides, they’ve been talking about a promotion since July. It may be slow to come but it will with the way they’re talking. He was promoted once before and that one was a more desperate situation because he had been making 28k and that’s just not enough. Now he makes more and it’s workable. My problem isn’t really with his income. It’s more about priorities. If we were on a budget it would be like a promotion, as Dave says. But if we can’t budget now when it’s so obvious we need to, then I have my doubts about going to work to bring in more money to mismanage, especially if half will go to childcare.

I am also a bit confused by this post now. It is only exciting if something changes within you. And I think many of us think the change needs to be what you do.

You can’t change his priorities. You’ve already tried.

What are you willing to do to change your situation? What will you do for your children?

I think people suggested you working to get you out of the house. To get you away from your husband telling you there is no money for anything you want to do. For you to have one foot out the door with a plan already in motion if he has another meltdown and threatens you again.