Marrital problems... guidance?

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Yes… a good marriage has both the mature love… the ACT of choosing to honor the other, and the romantic feeling of love- the attraction, which is a sort of “glue” that binds the couple in intimacy and pops up joyfully every once-in-awhile. How insightful the ancients were to distinguish between these by having different words for them… Agape, Eros, Filios (or something like that- meaning “brotherly love”). Eros is good, but agape is the higher love.

Anyway… you bring up a good point… one I am sure I am not qualified to answer, or else I would have to be a world famous marriage counselor instead of just an anonymous Catholic blogger (where is Dr. Phil when you need him?!) ! Yes… sometimes couples do not share this same level of selflessness… and I think this is too often the case in the narcissistic world that we live in today. Our culture reinforces the “cult of self…” encourages people to jettison anything that may be “holding them back” from all the pleasures and experiences they think they deserve. Marriage is 95 % work and sacrifice, 5% fun stuff (esp. when kids are involved!)- and I believe that it is doable only with MUCH prayer and grace from God. When only one spouse gives and the other takes, takes, takes… that is a truly horrible situation. And when infidelity is involved… well, it is perfectly justifiable for the injured party to leave, or put the other out. That’s not to say they are free to divorce- we know the Church’s view on that. The reason I put all that out there is that the husband in this case is wanting to come back, but is hemming and hawing. So in my opinion (for whatever it is worth), I am stressing that a choice must be made… the whole view of what marriage is must be reassessed, and huge adjustments must be made. I think it must start with cutting through all the feelings… fine, express them, but realize they CHANGE like the wind and cannot be relied upon for basing a marriage (calls to mind the scripture about building one’s house on sand instead of rock). That is why the marriage bond is a COVENANT- binding before God and the Law! So that people wouldn’t just bale when the feelings cooled off or they got bored! An emotional religion doesn’t hold up under fire (or lack of fire, as it were…) an emotional marriage doesn’t either… if that’s all you’re basing it on. And sadly, without God and the idea of marriage being a sacrament, people today see little reason for sticking it out when it’s no longer “fun.” I hope I’ve clarified it a little bit. 🙂
 
I haven’t read all of the replies, but let me add, in case no one else has, if you’ve been having sexual relations with your husband you should go get checked for STDs. His “honey” sounds like the type that might spread stuff around.

Um, I also have to add, if I behaved as your husband has, I would expect my wife to put something hard in my skull. I wouldn’t blame her, either. You’re much more patient that she would be.

God bless you and your kids.
 
Thank you all for your responses and prayers… still hanging in there.

Yes, that is on my list of “must do’s” we will both be having appointments to be checked for STDs!

He has said time and time again He wouldn’t blame me for being angry, for telling him to never come back, for wanting to physically hurt him… etc… he knows he’s done wrong and takes full credit for it. I wish he’d let some of the blame be on “her” but he says he’s responsible for about 90% of it.

I had an appointment to see my counselor today… she said she wondered what it would be like when my anger does finally surface. Well I don’t know, maybe I don’t have anger… is that possible? I remember being really mad at him ONCE when he let our 11yr old girl go to the movie with a friend totally unsupervised, that scared me! I had really bad PMDD though, and that has since been taken care of.

He is also wondering what will happen when he comes home and I get angry, I told him I don’t think that being angry would make matters better.

I did get numbers for couples counseling today and will make a few calls tomorrow. He has agreed to go.

He reserved time at our time share for the end of the month 😉

Thank you all again… I’m just anxious… I want his I’m coming home “soon” to be now!
 
Once your marriage is sound and you feel more secure you probably will start to feel anger. During the worst of it I was in “survival mode” and just fought with everything to keep it together. About a year after the dust had settled I had to deal with a lot of anger and resentment that my hubby put me through. AT first I couldn’t figure out where it all was coming from. I finally realized it wasn’t until things had calmed down that I was able to really deal with my hurt and anger.
 
Marriage is definately worth fighting for. You are not wrong to forgive. My parent’s marraige was torn apart by a woman like what you describe… And I know of others. I understand somewhat. Hang in there and keep working. It takes effort and love to make it all work… and a program sounds right for you two.

:signofcross: prayers for you… May you find the Peace of Christ being with you soon!
 
I finally asked “when?”! and he said by Monday. Well, I wish it could be sooner, I don’t understand what the hold up is!! Dragging it out for all of us, leading her on throughout the weekend. I’m half tempted to text her and let her know what’s coming 😉 but of course that could backfire too!!

Please pray for us that he doesn’t change his mind between now and then.

J
 
j101291 said:
I had an appointment to see my counselor today… she said she wondered what it would be like when my anger does finally surface. Well I don’t know, maybe I don’t have anger… is that possible?
…

He is also wondering what will happen when he comes home and I get angry, I told him I don’t think that being angry would make matters better.
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Honestly, that whole thing in your first post about how you two have never yelled or really fought, and then you posted this quote above… all of that jumped out at me.

I really believe relationships where the two people involved NEVER fight are unhealthy. People are eating their true feelings, they are too afraid to really reveal themselves to the other person. Cuz when you fight, there is no hiding who you really are and what you really think. That could cause this numbness you describe in yourself, and the feeling your husband has of being unhappy for years but never saying anything.

I think the best thing your counselor could do for your marriage is to teach you two how to fight constructively. No one should NEVER fight. It’s not pleasant to fight, but I think it is impossible for two people to honestly live together and never have an emotional upheaval with one another.

And besides…if you never fight… you never get to have make-up sex! 😉

Good luck, and I hope you and your husband can work out your problems and have a good marriage someday.
 
J- your husband is sitting on the fence. He doesn’t want to leave the other woman abruptly because “it wouldn’t be nice.” Is it “nice” to steal another woman’s husband??? :confused: Is it “nice” to drag your wife and kids through this emotional torture?? He needs to seriously grow up. I know you say you “never” get angry, but in this case, is it not justified? Is it possible that you have serious self-esteem issues, because you seem willing to take whatever crumb he is willing to throw your way. You are his WIFE, you deserve more than that! He is not showing you any respect, but in all honesty, it seems that you are not respecting yourself, either. Please forgive me if I am speaking out of line… I am concerned for you. But where you will not get angry at him, my first reaction is to be angry at him for doing this to his wife!! I will continue to pray for both of you that your marriage can be saved. Please keep us updated.
 
I know… my doc said he thought I had low self esteem issues as well. I was mad at first, but dh pointed out how I don’t like to take praise or compliments.

On getting angry… I am more afraid of loosing him than anything and I think if I were to get angry and holler and yell that would push him away. Is there a way to be angry and not show it… I’m sure the way I’ve been feeling today is angry… but it just puts me in a grouchy mood and it isn’t fair for the kids… I told them, I’m not mad at any of you, you didn’t do anything, I’m just not in a good mood.

I have so many new books about getting on… after an affair… etc… guess I should find something that will help the self esteem issue.

Thanks
J
 
j101291 said:
I know… my doc said he thought I had low self esteem issues as well. I was mad at first, but dh pointed out how I don’t like to take praise or compliments.

On getting angry… I am more afraid of loosing him than anything and I think if I were to get angry and holler and yell that would push him away. Is there a way to be angry and not show it… I’m sure the way I’ve been feeling today is angry… but it just puts me in a grouchy mood and it isn’t fair for the kids… I told them, I’m not mad at any of you, you didn’t do anything, I’m just not in a good mood.

I have so many new books about getting on… after an affair… etc… guess I should find something that will help the self esteem issue.

Thanks
J
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Hello J,

The low self esteem can have soooo many reasons for happening. The best thing may be for you to get some counseling. I will tell you from experience my self worth was drasticlly harmed by childhood abuse, as was my wifes.

These things sometimes sooooo hard to see and understand. Allow yourself the leeway to see and understand.

I cannot recommend enough the value of counseling!

If I didn’t mention it…counseling, counseling, counseling!!!
 
Thank you,
I have been seeing one… about my marital problems… now that that situation seems to be on the mend… I can mention the low self esteem and see what we can’t figure out about that.

J
 
Dear K,
I sympathize with your situation. I will pray for your husband to have a change of heart. Prayers can do wonders. Specifically, when I say the Rosary each night, I will include him. Hang in there, but take care of yourself also.
Mom4truth:)
 
If your husband has been living with another woman, please get tested for STDs. You need to keep yourself safe. He should also be tested. You have a right to ask this of him. Forgiving him does not mean acting like a doormat.

Peace,
Linda
 
In answer to the question out there of what happens when both people don’t have feelings together… divorce. One person cannot carry a relationship 100 percent indefinitely. Eventually the selfish person leaves to pursue pleasure.

What jumps out at me here is the line “I don’t want to lose him” So J, you don’t get angry. In your fear of losing him, you are losing yourself. You do have a right to be angry. I can see how yelling and screaming is counterproductive with some personality types. Have you allowed yourself to say “I am very angry with you?” Just even saying the words calmly?

He is pursuing a relationship with a woman who raids other women’s marriages. They both sneak around. Neither will be able to trust each other. That whole thing is built on unreality. It is doomed to crash once it burns itself out.

But what your dh doesn’t understand is that feelings come and go. You cannot make major decisions based on temporary feelings. He doesn’t always want to go to work, but he does because he is supposed to. Or there will be consequences. Too bad he doesn’t regard his family in the same way. “I don’t feel like seeing them, so I won’t go.”

When they interview couples who have been married more than 50 years they seem to be unanimous about one thing. There were times they couldn’t stand each other. But they did not leave the marriage when it was at its lowest point. They stuck around and reaped the rewards.

If your husband cannot muster love for you to stay in the family, he needs to really consider his teenagers. This is a very tough age anyway. My divorce happened before my kids were teens. My oldest told me recently that she is glad if it was to end that it ended then. Because she has friends whose parents are divorcing while they are teens, and the teens are not handling it well at all. All the emotions in that age range are out of whack also. They FEEL everything so much more intensely. They do not have adult coping skills. I have seen teens turn suicidal over the dissolution of their families. Your dh is busy catering to his own feelings and is dumping his garbage on the weaker shoulders of his children. If nothing else makes you mad, maybe this will.

You need to stress to him that his first obligation is to you and the children.

And I would not sleep with him anymore until you have both been tested. He needs to see that this is risky behavior that can imperil YOUR life and health. He leaves and makes you ill? So your kids have NO parent?

I’m surprised he hasn’t seen enough misery in his customers that he is pulling a stupid stunt like this.

You are not stupid to want to forgive and move on. Just make sure he is worthy of YOU. He’s on two strikes now. Take care of YOU so your children have a reliable parent.

And by the way, you may not “feel” angry. But depression is anger turned inward. If you are finding yourself increasingly depressed, that could really be anger.
 
Meekness is the virtue that moderates anger. Meekness IS NOT being a doormat. It is an appropriate response to anger. A cheating husband should cause anger in a wife.

Learn to deal with it, not ignore it. —KCT
 
to MONKEY6: just read your earlier post that you had severe migraine headaches. I, too, have had them (coincidentally) for 14 yrs. I have tried EVERYTHING! The only thing left is a chip that goes inside your head and short circuits the pain receptors. I am not willing to do that. Illness has caused great strife in my marriage as I stated in an earlier post. I don’t feel like I’ve let my husband down, however. I didn’t ask to be sick. I think he’s let
me down because he doesn’t understand the Catholic point of view on suffering. He’s Lutheran. That’s another thing. Too late now though, we’ll be married 20 yrs. this August. Whew! Can’t believe we’ve made it this far.

Anyway, back to migraines. Know of anything that will help me? I’ve had this current migraine for 6 straight days, while taking medication with no help. I need my life back or perhaps God is letting me know this is my life?🤷 Mom4truth
 
Have you tried neck massage? At the base of your back of your neck where the muscles and the blood vessels to your head all meet?
 
Libera…yes, I’ve tried neck massage. I even to physical therapy for this. While it felt good at the time, the effects did not last beyond the session. I’m assuming my fate is looking rather sad.

Does anyone out there have any other ideas what I can try to alleviate these DAILY migraines that leave me incapicitated? I need to take care of my two kids!

Thanks for all the advice!🙂
 
Hi

Mom4Truth,

So Sorry To hear about your story, wow!

earlier this year my doctor put shots in my head of cortisone and steriods, that did help, it relaxed my really tight muslces around my shoulders/head, I do yoga every week now too.

But, I had to pay out of pocket for the shots, I know, it’s really tough to live this way, last year I was pregnant with my fourth, and had a really bad headache, for 7 days, and finally went to the Er, never had been so sick. I will pray for you.

If you can find a really good doctor, I have had mine since 96, then you can work together, try not to switch around too much. There are many good meds on the market. I wish you luck in your future with your family

To the OP, I hope your future is looking brighter, May God Bless You and Your kids.
 
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