Marrying a man twice your age

[joshvanrad]

I see.

Don’t worry. You have the right to feel satisfaction from your achievements, just remember other people may shine in different areas while being somewhat weak where your strenghts lie. And it’s understandable that you want someone with the kind of independence that you appreciate in your own life.

That’s understandable, although equality in every respect is simply not achievable and I’ll explain why in a while. In fact, people are so different from each other that equality can be found only in a one or two or several aspects at most but not everything. And equality of current standing doesn’t mean equality of talent. It’s like when you want to create equality in a society: you can force people in an equal position regardless of their talent (which means they get unequal treatment in the process of enforcing effective equality) or you can give them an equal start (from which they’ll achieve a variety of different results based on individual talents). Similarly, someone aged 40 may be in an equal economic standing with you (if we forget about mutual funds, retirement plans, return from long-term investments etc.) but that doesn’t necessarily mean equal responsibility or frugality or business skills or perseverance in hard work (he or she has had much more time to get there).

You could also take into account that modeling is a front-loaded job in the sense that you get most of the benefits when you’re young, much in the same way as a sports player,after which one basically stays in the same industry with the addition of a management degree, or starts coaching, or something like that. This is the opposite of someone who slaves away 80-100 hour weeks as a nobody after living indebted in a basement through post-grad in order to make a name when by the time he’s 40 (exceptions happen but more so in politics than in business or science). In short, different career paths give returns at different times and at a different pace. Thus it is somewhat natural that a future doctor or lawyer or corporate executive or military officer makes much less and is less recognisable now than you are.

Yeah, I was wondering if it was like you say it is or if you simply suffered from some kind of rebound caused by disappointment with men from your age range, and in the latter case it would be a huge mistake to hasten into marriage, as with any kind of rebound, and you could regret later. As they say, marry in haste, repent at leisure. This applies also to the very intelligent people who nonetheless lack life experience.

You do need to take that into account. It is probably inevitable that a husband twice older than you would many a time give you the impression of being another father figure in your life rather than one similar to your brothers (including older if you have any). If it doesn’t show now, it may and probably will show in the future. You may also begin to miss the certain qualities that you can find in people your age (half of the reason I’m so cautious myself with regard to age range), including the men that you will only yet meet while you’re married, some of how can very much have the non-negotiables that you aren’t currently able to find in your age range. This is the same problem as always when choosing a partner on the basis of a specific quality (which works like a benchmark): sooner or later there’s bound to show up someone who has more of that quality. It’s like men saying, “Don’t show off your car to her, she has doubtless seen better.” There will always be someone who has more of the same. This is different only when you’re after a specific person for that person’s sake.

Which is why you need a careful due diligence study. Which contains the same information a litigator’s instinct can provide in a matter of seconds without any conscious effort.

That was all extremely well said!
It is tough to find someone your own age who might be on the same level, though. I am kind of in the same boat as runwaymodel and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find someone in my own age-range who will “fit” me. I do well financially and bought a house at a young age and it would be nice to find someone with the same motivation as what I have. I am very active in my church and hold my faith in the highest regards and that is not something I am willing to compromise on for a partner. It is very hard to find people my age who have been molded into an adult with good strong morals at this age. I would like to find someone of a similar age to date (if dating is what God has in store for me). I don’t think it is wrong to date older, but I do know that there are certain differences that come with age/ generational gaps, and those are things that I just don’t think I can deal with.

Joshua

 

[runwaymodel]

That’s understandable, although equality in every respect is simply not achievable and I’ll explain why in a while. In fact, people are so different from each other that equality can be found only in a one or two or several aspects at most but not everything.Similarly, someone aged 40 may be in an equal economic standing with you (if we forget about mutual funds, retirement plans, return from long-term investments etc.) but that doesn’t necessarily mean equal responsibility or frugality or business skills or perseverance in hard work (he or she has had much more time to get there).

I suppose you’re right. We cannot be equal in every aspect, but I am looking for someone similiar to myself with regards to morla ethics, financial situation, great career, family, social standing but surprisingly I do not want someone with my same personality (wow, no…haha.). Not a complete opposite either (that would get annoying and hard to relate with), but personalities have to be different enough to keep it interesting.

You could also take into account that modeling is a front-loaded job in the sense that you get most of the benefits when you’re young, much in the same way as a sports player,after which one basically stays in the same industry with the addition of a management degree, or starts coaching, or something like that. This is the opposite of someone who slaves away 80-100 hour weeks as a nobody after living indebted in a basement through post-grad in order to make a name when by the time he’s 40 (exceptions happen but more so in politics than in business or science). In short, different career paths give returns at different times and at a different pace. Thus it is somewhat natural that a future doctor or lawyer or corporate executive or military officer makes much less and is less recognisable now than you are.

How very, very true, especially that last sentence. Yes, I guess my career is already at full-steam that I expected the same from a potential partner… And as you have mentioned, if I was dating someone in their 20’s and he was a doctor, for example, his career would only just be getting started and would really be at full potenetial later in life. I am not a patient person, that is a problem I have to work on.

Yeah, I was wondering if it was like you say it is or if you simply suffered from some kind of rebound caused by disappointment with men from your age range, and in the latter case it would be a huge mistake to hasten into marriage, as with any kind of rebound, and you could regret later. As they say, marry in haste, repent at leisure. This applies also to the very intelligent people who nonetheless lack life experience.

*I would always joke with my Mom and say "“Ideally I wish he was at least 5 years younger” but she would reply “Honey, ideally people wish their husbands were 3 inches taller, had more hair, blue eyes, etc, but thats only the physical”. She’s right, Mom is always right.Age is just a number. Now if it was a bad characteristic or something in his personalities, that would be harder to change. Anyway, but to be honest chevalier, yes I dated a little here and there when I was younger but I wasn’t interested in a relationship because at that point I was still very selfish and wanted to focus on my career. I had no time to dedicate to a relationship so I didn’t see a point in wasting mine or someone else’s time. However, the young people I did date–yes, I was more attracted to, but they felt more like brothers to me because of their lack of maturity. I’m sure they will be wonderful men in a couple of years though.
*

You do need to take that into account. It is probably inevitable that a husband twice older than you would many a time give you the impression of being another father figure in your life rather than one similar to your brothers (including older if you have any). If it doesn’t show now, it may and probably will show in the future. You may also begin to miss the certain qualities that you can find in people your age (half of the reason I’m so cautious myself with regard to age range), including the men that you will only yet meet while you’re married, some of how can very much have the non-negotiables that you aren’t currently able to find in your age range. This is the same problem as always when choosing a partner on the basis of a specific quality (which works like a benchmark): sooner or later there’s bound to show up someone who has more of that quality. It’s like men saying, “Don’t show off your car to her, she has doubtless seen better.” There will always be someone who has more of the same. This is different only when you’re after a specific person for that person’s sake.

*You know I was watching a movie the other day where the woman was the older one dating a younger man and during an arguement they were having (and all couples do) because she was older, it looked like she was scolding him. The same could be said about an older man/younger girl. Yet if a couple is the same age it looks normal. I can see that point and why people would refer to it like that. It can and does happen. However, I am a bit more brazen than he is so that shouldn’t be a problem. *

Which is why you need a careful due diligence study. Which contains the same information a litigator’s instinct can provide in a matter of seconds without any conscious effort.

Attorney huh? I’ll have you know, that if this modeling career didn’t work out all these years ago, I consider being a lawyer. But plan #1 did happen. What a completely different path that would have been. I guess thats why your logic of thinking resignates with me.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Italians are very family oriented and passionate. I love that. And yes, I have seen him on the phone for a conference call and he does get a little spirited, but nothing over the top. I can be more fiery than him, especially if I am watching something on TV or talking about politics or even fashion. Haha. But yes, Italian men are quite traditional and very loving and affectionate.

I do Kathryn Ann. I do appreciate the stability, security, and maturity that comes with an older man. I want someone who is my equal in many aspects. Not just that, like I mentioned before, he keeps me grounded. He likes it when I don’t wear makeup and skip on the stilettos. He makes me feel comfortable and isnt one of those men who date models because they are models.
LOL on the amnesia comment, Kathryn Ann! So funny and true.

**

:harp::heaven:I really wish you both the best. I hope you’ll return to let us know how this all works out. Just my opinion, but* I wouldn’t be surprised if some single gals out there wonder if your fellow has a twin brother! *
:angel1:
You know, it’s good that in this age of the internet and lots of psychological introspection that we do have lots of tools at hand now to help us “think before we leap.” But with the divorce rate still as it is, one wonders what on earth is happening! Whatever you decide, whether you two are married or not, you both sound like very amiable people who deserve lot of happiness. Let us know what happens!
Many blessings!
Kathryn Ann**

 

[runwaymodel]

Oh, thank you Kathryn Ann–you’re a real sweetheart. I most certainly will keep every updated on what will happen in these next coming months. He does not have a twin brother , he actually has no other siblings: He was an only child so he really appreciates the closeness of family. My side (extended family also) is quite large and our family reunions are legendary and hilarious. It will be amusing to see him interact in the kind of environment some day.
He wants 2 kids, I want 3 but we both agreed that either is acceptable—sometimes God blesses you with more. Funny enough, twins run in my family. We have 3 sets in my extended family. I warned him about that.

 

[EasterJoy]

This applies also to the very intelligent people who nonetheless lack life experience.

If it didn’t apply to otherwise intelligent people who haven’t learned from their life experiences, half of the attorneys would be out of a job. After all, people who only make one legally-important choice far worse then their intelligence would indicate are not the norm, are they?

This frustrating fact has driven some attorneys out of the practice law. They get tired of representing people who are only in court because they had a brain but didn’t elect to use it, but they also realize that a lawyer who will only represent people who always use the common sense that Heaven gave them is a lawyer who’s probably gonna starve!

It is the single thing that elicits my unbridled sympathy towards attorneys.

Runwaymodel, embarking upon a marriage is like flying a plane. You never ever want to learn from your bad choices. You don’t want to stay grounded because some people crash because of their bad choices. You want to learn very carefully from everyone else’s bad choices, discipline yourself to avoid those, and then have a great flight!

 

[Serap]

Runwaymodel, you are very articulate and intelligent. It comes across. Even though you are young, I think you are very capable of making your own important decisions.

I wish you both happiness also.

 

[rainbow1]

Not to play devil’s advocate, but it would be very difficult to take care of aging parents and an aging spouse at the same time. Also, I can only imagine the comments that would fly on this thread if I, a 51 y/o woman dated a 30 y/o man, even if he was my equal intellectually …I’m just sayin’…lol!!!

 

[chevalier]

Not to play devil’s advocate, but it would be very difficult to take care of aging parents and an aging spouse at the same time. Also, I can only imagine the comments that would fly on this thread if I, a 51 y/o woman dated a 30 y/o man, even if he was my equal intellectually …I’m just sayin’…lol!!!

Mostly about that man’s needing a sugar mumma.

 

[GEddie]

Not to play devil’s advocate, but it would be very difficult to take care of aging parents and an aging spouse at the same time. Also, I can only imagine the comments that would fly on this thread if I, a 51 y/o woman dated a 30 y/o man, even if he was my equal intellectually …I’m just sayin’…lol!!!

The same difficulties could arise with aging parents and a chronically ill or disabled spouse, which can easily happen even in the stereotypical young-sweethearts case.

And lamentably, the world IS a wee bit sexist when it comes to age- range relationships. Compare all the Jack Nicholson flicks , for instance, to films where the older lady gets the young man.

ICXC NIKA

 

[rainbow1]

The same difficulties could arise with aging parents and a chronically ill or disabled spouse, which can easily happen even in the stereotypical young-sweethearts case.

And lamentably, the world IS a wee bit sexist when it comes to age- range relationships. Compare all the Jack Nicholson flicks , for instance, to films where the older lady gets the young man.

ICXC NIKA

Is this sexism or is this that women (and 51 isn’t an “older lady” by any means ) typically would not consider this themselves for some reason? Or that men would not consider this for women? What would adult children think of their mom marrying a man close to their age? I am curious.
Chevalier, I thought you would build a better “case” for this…lol! But I am cooking peppermint sugar cookies at the very moment…hahaha…not to add to stereotyping here…
Let’s think about this. Women do tend to outlive men…I see elderly women all the time who have outlived their husbands by 20 years at least.
Let’s face it, women in this age group probably have less choices to find a traditional Catholic man than a similarly aged man.
They often times have a longer life expectancy, they oftentimes have high levels of education, have had many years to develope spiritually, are often fun-loving having raised children, are oftentimes financially very secure…so why the stereotype?
All this stuff is running across my mind as I think about the situation presented in this thread… any ideas?

 

[GEddie]

Women do outlive men (and the fact that that has not been scientifically studied is IMO a wee bit sexist in itself); but not, typically, by the time ranges under discussion.

Fifty one years may not be an “older lady” per se, but she is when compared to a “young man” (max age south of 39 years).

IMNAAHO, the imbalance in the direction of age-gap relationships is not sexist at all; it is biology. While the general society has forgotten, our human bodies (or DNA??) remember that gender-based relationships have children as a goal. The body will be naturally drawn to a partner who looks like they can most soundly generate children. And for a woman, more so than for a man, that means being young.

ICXC NIKA

 

[rainbow1]

Women do outlive men (and the fact that that has not been scientifically studied is IMO a wee bit sexist in itself); but not, typically, by the time ranges under discussion.

Fifty one years may not be an “older lady” per se, but she is when compared to a “young man” (max age south of 39 years).

IMNAAHO, the imbalance in the direction of age-gap relationships is not sexist at all; it is biology. While the general society has forgotten, our human bodies (or DNA??) remember that gender-based relationships have children as a goal. The body will be naturally drawn to a partner who looks like they can most soundly generate children. And for a woman, more so than for a man, that means being young.

ICXC NIKA

But the Church marries plenty of middle-aged folks who may be open to life, but not necessarily able to procreate. If a man marries a very young woman when he is 40, there is a great chance he would never be able to grandfather his own children. However, if a man at 30 married a 50 year old, he could help grandfather his wife’s grandchildren, if she already had children.
I am just looking at the OP’s question in reverse sex-wise and trying to figure out whether there is a “natural order” type reason for this marriage not to occur, or not. If there is not, then it should also make sense for a vibrant woman in her 50’s to marry someone in his 30’s if they should just happen to meet and have alot in common…no?

 

[runwaymodel]

But the Church marries plenty of middle-aged folks who may be open to life, but not necessarily able to procreate. If a man marries a very young woman when he is 40, there is a great chance he would never be able to grandfather his own children. However, if a man at 30 married a 50 year old, he could help grandfather his wife’s grandchildren, if she already had children.
I am just looking at the OP’s question in reverse sex-wise and trying to figure out whether there is a “natural order” type reason for this marriage not to occur, or not. If there is not, then it should also make sense for a vibrant woman in her 50’s to marry someone in his 30’s if they should just happen to meet and have alot in common…no?

I can see the point you are trying to make, rainbow1, but the comparison of an older man/younger woman vs older woman/younger man is quite different. I mean, through history young women would marry older men out of love, status, had security, or it was arranged. I’m not saying it always worked out (maybe it did, maybe it didn’t) but other than Hollywood, I haven’t heard of or seen too many older women marrying someone younger.

 

[rainbow1]

I can see the point you are trying to make, rainbow1, but the comparison of an older man/younger woman vs older woman/younger man is quite different. I mean, through history young women would marry older men out of love, status, had security, or it was arranged. I’m not saying it always worked out (maybe it did, maybe it didn’t) but other than Hollywood, I haven’t heard of or seen too many older women marrying someone younger.

But why? In this day in age, older women could provide security, love, status etc… and if it truly is an “equal” relationship between the couple, they would provide that together fairly equally. They would want to do it together. It often takes more time for most women to climb the ladder of so-called success financially , due to no causes on their own, so there would be a financial balance in the older woman/ younger man scenario in alot of cases…it just is interesting to me that the older man/younger woman scenario would be looked upon as feasible when the older woman/younger man scenario would be scuffed at…or would it be? If you marry this gentleman, then my guess is he would die quite awhile before you. So when you are in your forties or fifties and single, then your options to find a holy Catholic man to spend the rest of your life with would be limited…and you would have children who are probably teens. Would it then be plausible for you to marry alot younger? There are not a whole lot of single holy Catholic men in the middle age category. Or would you be spending a large part of your life alone? Of course this is playing the "what if " game, which isn’t always helpful. I am just thinking if people were to marry for love ( excluding the other “what if’s”) then it would also make just as much sense for a 50 year old woman to find love with a 30 year old…just thinking … and by the way, may God bless you in your discernment process…

 

[Serap]

Not to play devil’s advocate, but it would be very difficult to take care of aging parents and an aging spouse at the same time. Also, I can only imagine the comments that would fly on this thread if I, a 51 y/o woman dated a 30 y/o man, even if he was my equal intellectually …I’m just sayin’…lol!!!

I would say…

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

 

[Serap]

But why? In this day in age, older women could provide security, love, status etc… and if it truly is an “equal” relationship between the couple, they would provide that together fairly equally. They would want to do it together. It often takes more time for most women to climb the ladder of so-called success financially , due to no causes on their own, so there would be a financial balance in the older woman/ younger man scenario in alot of cases…it just is interesting to me that the older man/younger woman scenario would be looked upon as feasible when the older woman/younger man scenario would be scuffed at…or would it be? If you marry this gentleman, then my guess is he would die quite awhile before you. So when you are in your forties or fifties and single, then your options to find a holy Catholic man to spend the rest of your life with would be limited…and you would have children who are probably teens. Would it then be plausible for you to marry alot younger? There are not a whole lot of single holy Catholic men in the middle age category. Or would you be spending a large part of your life alone? Of course this is playing the "what if " game, which isn’t always helpful. I am just thinking if people were to marry for love ( excluding the other “what if’s”) then it would also make just as much sense for a 50 year old woman to find love with a 30 year old…just thinking … and by the way, may God bless you in your discernment process…

I know why…men like to marry a fertile looking woman. Fertile women are young.

Whether we like it or not, men are attracted to mates who look fertile.

 

[rainbow1]

I know why…men like to marry a fertile looking woman. Fertile women are young.

Whether we like it or not, men are attracted to mates who look fertile.

I feel like I am about to start defending men here…lol…lots of men are deep thinkers and like spiritual companionship as well as all the rest…
I almost said that women are also attracted to mates who look fertile,but just couldn’t bring myself to say that…hahahhaa…

 

[Bearontherun]

…lots of men are deep thinkers and like spiritual companionship as well as all the rest…

I almost said that women are also attracted to mates who look fertile,but just couldn’t bring myself to say that…hahahhaa…

Yes. Not so long ago all fertility issues would be attributed to us women…no matter how old the man was.

 

[rainbow1]

Yes. Not so long ago all fertility issues would be attributed to us women…no matter how old the man was.

No problem, fertility is a non-issue for God…think of Sarah and Abraham…

 

[Bearontherun]

No problem, fertility is a non-issue for God…think of Sarah and Abraham…

All things are possible with God…no denying that.

Just saying that it is not unrealistic for men and/or women to look at fertility as an attractive quality in a mate.