Marrying a man twice your age

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I am more concerned about our age difference. Maybe I just should attempt not to care so much what other people think or assume.

Him being available when you needed him is really important. Good.

If what people think about your age difference is what bothers you, then try and get over it. Even if people gossip and assume things, it will eventually become yesterday’s news. The only thing that matters is whether you and him are right for one another and can have a good marriage.

 

[runwaymodel]

Age differences were the norm in the past ; there is a belief for some that S. Joseph, as an example, was an older man when betrothed to Mary, which is why he disappears from Scripture after our LORD was twelve years old: he died at an expected age.

The modern ideal of man and woman being the same age and going through youthful foolishnesses together is an artifact of our age-segregated highschool culture (reinforced by the mass media). It is not necessarily the best possible situation.

Yes, people will talk, and some may think he is your dad. But if you both can live with that, there is no reason not to go ahead. Provided he feels the way you do about marriage and it’s permanency.

ICXC NIKA

Thank you. I did not know that about Saint Joseph.

1inICXC:

Also, please keep in mind that there are 2 factors that are partially blinding both of you.
Your beauty- for him
His wealth - for you.

Again, another very refreshing and honest response. Thank you.
This is how most people on the outside view our relationship. I don’t have to explain to everyone how difficult it is to find a genuine connection with a person–it is very rare. I feel we have this.Yes, my beauty is probably what initially attracted him to me (what man can deny this) and his status did play a part in my overlooking the large age gap AT FIRST–but once we got past that, we discovered we shared so many values and views on life that it is hard to ignore.

 

[aloe]

While yes, he is a workaholic, he can retire now and we would never have to worry about money or our kids’ future ever.

How realistic is it for a true workaholic to retire early to just hang out with family? I would say that is pretty rare. A true workaholic is addicted to work and is absent for important quality time with his wife and family for decades. Some people are OK with mostly alone time and raising kids solo. Some people value time with their spouse home more than anything else and feel very neglected and resentful when work always comes first - despite how much money they have as a result.

 

[Birdpreacher]

I wouldn’t worry about the workaholic critiques (in this economy everyone is going to have be a wokaholic to make ends meet). Just one quick question, is he really really interested in teaching/showing you things? Do you feel that you are his equal in relationship?

 

[Norseman82]

I’m more concerned that he’s not a practicing Catholic.

 

[GEddie]

I wouldn’t worry about the workaholic critiques (in this economy everyone is going to have be a wokaholic to make ends meet). Just one quick question, is he really really interested in teaching/showing you things? Do you feel that you are his equal in relationship?

The economy will improve; and in any case, “hard worker” != “workaholic.”

ICXC NIKA

 

[Young_Thinker]

I do not see any problem with the age difference at all (oh, but believe me, if I knew the gentleman, I would probably be a lot more critical! It is a fault of mine to look down on other men, but if I were a lady, I think that I would want to get involved to a man who is mature, successful, and caring and maybe has a few gray hairs -a lot of men were unattractive while young acquire a distinguished appearance] rather than the stereotypical youth- boring, vulgar, immature, etc.). And while it is my knee-jerk reaction as a man to wonder why he has never been married before, it is almost certainly better for you that he is single rather than a divorcé. It is also good that both of you are discussing marriage and that he has started to attend Mass with you (maybe he will eventually practice his faith again). I wish the best of luck to you both!

 

[Carina20]

I’m not so much concerned with his age as I am concerned that he is a non-practicing Catholic. If he is not serious about his faith it can and will cause problems down the road if you are serious about your faith and in how you will raise your children. This really needs to be addressed.

 

[Warrior1979]

Really, this is something only you can answer. I won’t comment on the personal relationship, because it’s too speculative.

The one thing I will comment on is the age difference. This may or may not be a factor, though it is significant enough to be a concern. I know some couples where their is a huge age difference, all men much older than woman. The woman end up taking care of the men in the end; like a child taking care of their parent. If the potential husband is in great physical shape, it would be less of a concern. If he is not, then you could end up trying to raise children and taking care of an elderly husband at the same time.

 

[runwaymodel]

A lot of people seem to be concerned with the fact that I refered to him as a non-practicing catholic. I guess what I meant by this is he does not attend Church every Sunday unlike myself. My parents don’t either so I take extreme offense to those who attempt to say negative things about that because they have raised me to be a very good and well-cultured human being. My mom encouraged me to go back to Church, which I eventually did and live a chaste life. So like the person I am with, my parents do not attend Church unless its a Holiday (Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fathers day, etc) yet they constantly remind me to remain on the right path. The kids will obviously be raised Catholic because his mother his religious as well.
I try to be a good ‘practicing Catholic’ in every way also, but I am sure there are many times when I slip up and do not follow every single rule or don’t go to confession as often as I should. We are not perfect.

 

[Young_Thinker]

We are not perfect.

Indeed.

 

[EasterJoy]

There are workaholics, and then there are people who have the habit of working hard. These are not the same thing! Not everyone who is meticulous has OCD, not everyone with strong enthusiasms is bipolar, and, well, not everyone with some traits in common with those having a psychological disorder actually have a psychological disorder. The question for you is whether the virtues that make this man a hard worker have come at a price that ultimately can’t be borne by a human relationship. It is the incompatibility with human relationships that makes a disorder.

How does this “workaholic” act when he’s not working? Can he spend a week ignoring his work or business? How does he feel when he* can’t* work? How much does he expect you to “understand” that “this is the way he is”? How much of who he is or how he feels about the quality of a day depend on having worked?

I know a good many men in middle or late life who realize that they’ve given too much to their work in general and their careers in particular. Sometimes it takes a heart attack or a cancer diagnosis in the family, or the death of a close friend with similar habits. Sometimes, they just wake up. The difference is that they make an effort to re-balance their lives, and they’re immediately much happier. Not uncommonly, they pat themselves on the back and they wonder out loud why they didn’t get this healthy attitude just a bit earlier in life.

A workaholic will take far more than that before he’ll admit that his work could possibly be excessive.Someone else’s maybe, but not his. Instead, he’ll think everyone else has their priorities screwed up. He’ll also make excuses for why his work “has” to be done and cannot wait, why getting to something right now is just indispensible, why his situation is different…or why it is “in this case”.

I think you’re seeing a trend here? The first case is someone who has the habit of working hard because he’s used to looking for what needs to be done and doing it. He had goals, and it took hard work to reach them. His family probably placed a high value on people with ability using those abilities. The second case, the workaholic, has somewhere gotten this need to be working whether or not the work is truly necessary or not. There is no other side, no balance. Work is not just something that is necessary; it is an essential. I don’t just mean that the fellow likes making good use of his time, either. I mean that he has an attachment to working whether there is anything that needs doing or not. He’ll have an attachment to “accomplishing” things. You’ll never get the workaholic to quit, and if age or infirmity wings him, you will have one nasty caged bear to deal with.

As for the age issue, it is something that used to happen often, back when spouses did not outlive the need for a companion and a mother for one’s children nearly as often as they outlived their wives. Even then, it was a challenge, and it was less of a challenge then than it is now, when having 20 years difference in life experience translates into such a huge difference in experience.

How important is this challenge? That is up to the two of you. There isn’t one right answer, except that you take the question seriously and that you be willing to stick in there through thick and thin, especially when your near-age “soul mate” who shares more of the same life experiences with you comes into the picture. If you are both willing to forsake all, even the one who perfectly fits every dream you ever had for a spouse, even when your spouse seems too entrenched or unable to do things fitting for your age range, that is what you need before you marry.

 

[bstorm]

Ask yourself this: If you marry this man and the next day he loses all of his money and the day after he becomes sick/disabled, will you still want to be around him for the rest of your life?

 

[EasterJoy]

A lot of people seem to be concerned with the fact that I refered to him as a non-practicing catholic. I guess what I meant by this is he does not attend Church every Sunday unlike myself. My parents don’t either so I take extreme offense to those who attempt to say negative things about that because they have raised me to be a very good and well-cultured human being. My mom encouraged me to go back to Church, which I eventually did and live a chaste life. So like the person I am with, my parents do not attend Church unless its a Holiday (Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fathers day, etc) yet they constantly remind me to remain on the right path. The kids will obviously be raised Catholic because his mother his religious as well.
I try to be a good ‘practicing Catholic’ in every way also, but I am sure there are many times when I slip up and do not follow every single rule or don’t go to confession as often as I should. We are not perfect.

Encourage him to at least observe on Sundays with you for a good deal of time before you make a final decision about marriage. I married a wonderful non-Catholic. The degree to which he is a religious non-participant is harder than I would have thought, and this even though he bears no ill will towards religion. (In fact, he wants our children to have the religious upbringing his parents didn’t give him.) When you have kids, you want him there with you every week. Not only will your children be more likely to practice if he does, but as you go through life, when you find Mass one of the things that gives you grace for each week’s trials and blessings, you’ll want him there at Mass with you. Don’t just assume you’ll always be OK with his lover level of participation.

Besides, you never know. Many men have gone back to Mass because they loved their wives, and stayed because they learned to love the Lord. Hasn’t your increasing religious observance been one of the joys of your life? If you love this Catholic man you want to marry, dare to want that for him.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ask yourself this: If you marry this man and the next day he loses all of his money and the day after he becomes sick/disabled, will you still want to be around him for the rest of your life?

Ask yourself how he would cope with that, too. Will he feel he can’t love you if you are the caretaker and breadwinner, and he can’t give you anything? More to the point, ask him that: How would he cope, if he got in some terrible accident that left him incapacitated, and to add insult to injury he was sued for the incident, lost all of his money, and had to watch you go to work to support him in the manner in which you are capable? How will he feel if you don’t have the career work ethic that he had for himself? How will he feel if you do? These are scenarios that any couple can profit from having.

Also, investigate why he is not interested in women his own age and what it is about him that seems better than the men you know your own age. How did you become attracted to each other instead of those your own age? How will this change when, for instance, you become more like the women who are now his age or you become less impressed with the experience that comes with being his age?

If you find substantial things in each other–I mean things that time or circumstance alone cannot rob you of-- that you would have been just as happy to have found in someone your own age or that you think are rare even in people the same age as the person you want to marry, that is far better than if you are attracted to some aspect about him (or he is attracted to some aspect about you) that you may not be able to hang onto.

For instance, my husband is 8 years older than me. I’d have been interested in him if we had been the same age, though, and vice versa. He is simply unlike any other man I know, and as nearly as I can tell, the qualities I fell for were very much in place ten years before I met him, and are still in place now, over 20 years later.

 

[runwaymodel]

How does this “workaholic” act when he’s not working? Can he spend a week ignoring his work or business? How does he feel when he* can’t* work? How much does he expect you to “understand” that “this is the way he is”? How much of who he is or how he feels about the quality of a day depend on having worked?

How important is this challenge? That is up to the two of you. There isn’t one right answer, except that you take the question seriously and that you be willing to stick in there through thick and thin, especially when your near-age “soul mate” who shares more of the same life experiences with you comes into the picture. If you are both willing to forsake all, even the one who perfectly fits every dream you ever had for a spouse, even when your spouse seems too entrenched or unable to do things fitting for your age range, that is what you need before you marry.

When we are spending time together he never glances at his phone. No emails, texts, calls. Nothing. This is a lot of disipline because I need to send a couple of emails in the morning (never during dinner or during a conversation–that is horrible etiquette).

I don’t believe in ‘soulmates’. You can’t depend on someone for your happiness or to ‘complete you’. I believe in marriage and faithfully never betraying that person. I believe in finding someone who is compatible to you whom you love and share similar morals and values. In never settling for a person who does not met your standards. A person who will never give up on you nor you on them. But soulmates? No. My grandparents did not believe in that either and they have been together for 60 years.

Thank you–EasterJoy—for the nice perspective. He does attend Church with me every Sunday if we are together (A lot of times I am out of town, sometimes he is). He even attended a few times by himself because he knew I would be very pleased.

 

[Leegal]

Really, this is something only you can answer. I won’t comment on the personal relationship, because it’s too speculative.

The one thing I will comment on is the age difference. This may or may not be a factor, though it is significant enough to be a concern. I know some couples where their is a huge age difference, all men much older than woman. The woman end up taking care of the men in the end; like a child taking care of their parent. If the potential husband is in great physical shape, it would be less of a concern. If he is not, then you could end up trying to raise children and taking care of an elderly husband at the same time.

But this can happen to those who marry and are close in age. I’m sure everyone knows of at least one couple who were close in age, and then an illness or acccident changed the health of one of the other significantly, with children. And one partner takes on a greater role. It happens.

Anyway, I did not get that the man is old – only that he’s much older than she is but that she is young. Her being young does not mean he is old.

 

[cviolette]

I’m more concerned that he’s not a practicing Catholic.

If I could do it all over again, I would not marry someone that did not put God first in his life. My husband was a non-practicing Catholic. Also a workaholic.

It was great in the beginning because we worked for the same company. He will never settle down and retire. It is not about the money. It is the challenge. It is his high. The new car for Christmas or the trips to Paris will never replace coming in behind his company and his employees.

I like my space too. I realized that I liked when he traveled. I could run the household and take care of the kids without him. Most of the time, it was more work when he was home. Not much of a marriage.

On the age. If you had children 5 years from now, how old would he been when it is time to teach his child to drive. If his daughter married at age 30, would he be around to walk her down the aisle? Just things to think about.

 

[runwaymodel]

Ask yourself how he would cope with that, too. Will he feel he can’t love you if you are the caretaker and breadwinner, and he can’t give you anything? More to the point, ask him that: How would he cope, if he got in some terrible accident that left him incapacitated, and to add insult to injury he was sued for the incident, lost all of his money, and had to watch you go to work to support him in the manner in which you are capable? How will he feel if you don’t have the career work ethic that he had for himself? How will he feel if you do? These are scenarios that any couple can profit from having.

Also, investigate why he is not interested in women his own age and what it is about him that seems better than the men you know your own age. How did you become attracted to each other instead of those your own age? How will this change when, for instance, you become more like the women who are now his age or you become less impressed with the experience that comes with being his age?

If you find substantial things in each other–I mean things that time or circumstance alone cannot rob you of-- that you would have been just as happy to have found in someone your own age or that you think are rare even in people the same age as the person you want to marry, that is far better than if you are attracted to some aspect about him (or he is attracted to some aspect about you) that you may not be able to hang onto.

For instance, my husband is 8 years older than me. I’d have been interested in him if we had been the same age, though, and vice versa. He is simply unlike any other man I know, and as nearly as I can tell, the qualities I fell for were very much in place ten years before I met him, and are still in place now, over 20 years later.

To answer your question, I am actually the youngest person he has dated. He was very hesitant to approach me when we 1st met because of my age but decided it was better to risk it than regret never doing so. Age is just a number. What made me fall in love was the many things we shared in common. I would happily die single without ever marrying than settle for someone who lacks similar values.

 

[EasterJoy]

When we are spending time together he never glances at his phone. No emails, texts, calls. Nothing. This is a lot of disipline because I need to send a couple of emails in the morning (never during dinner or during a conversation–that is horrible etiquette).

I don’t believe in ‘soulmates’. You can’t depend on someone for your happiness or to ‘complete you’. I believe in marriage and faithfully never betraying that person. I believe in finding someone who is compatible to you whom you love and share similar morals and values. In never settling for a person who does not met your standards. A person who will never give up on you nor you on them. But soulmates? No. My grandparents did not believe in that either and they have been together for 60 years.

Thank you–EasterJoy—for the nice perspective. He does attend Church with me every Sunday if we are together (A lot of times I am out of town, sometimes he is). He even attended a few times by himself because he knew I would be very pleased.

I’m glad you don’t believe in soulmates, but do be aware that some people aren’t believers until they “meet” one. It is a common folly that ruins marriages in mid-stream, let’s just say that.

If you marry a man twenty-odd years older, you’ll have trials that your grandmother didn’t have. The trials are not just different. Most couples find them harder. Having said that, I am a great believer in finding someone for whom you’d give all marriage requires–which is to say, everything–rather than finding someone less likely to ask more than you can give. The former is far more in keeping with what marriage means, and with what it at least seems to ask, on the hardest days. (And it is getting through the hardest times, after all, that is required, isn’t it?) Also, I can say that I went through school preferring the company of those much older than I was, and doing well in that company. If you’re in the same boat, and think you’d be quite happy spending your life with your husband’s favorite friends, that bodes well for you, too. If you both have some affection for people in both age groups, but like the prospect of a mix even more, so much the better! If you’d take his faults, even if they get a little worse, his relatives, even if they become a bit more annoying, and so on, that’s the right attitude. As I like to tell my nieces and nephews, too: If you hate the color purple and you’d paint your own house purple for this person, that’s a good sign. That little stuff can add up.

It is the people who like everything about their prospective spouse, excepting their family, their friends, and a few of their habits who need to worry the most! Next to that common marriage killer attitude, age is nothing!!