Marrying a man twice your age

[TheRealJuliane]

Does he take vacations? Has he taken vacations in the past? Going out to dinner or another type of date is not really a test, since almost any workaholic, like an alcoholic, can put down the work for a specific number of hours.

I hope you don’t think we are harping on you! Maybe this man is not truly work-addicted. I hope that he is not. One other clue is that everything becomes a project to a workaholic. They even make recreation into work. They don’t know how to play, how to relax, so they bring that intensity into everything they do. It’s the adrenaline addiction - they need the “hit” of pressure that brings the adrenaline up.

When people I know say that their husbands or wives are “workaholic,” I always ask, “How many hours does he/she work, voluntarily, BEYOND what is required by the job?” There was a time when my husband was putting in 60-70 hours in the office (NOT necessary to his job) AND he would work on other projects at home. Needless to say, the kids and I were getting -0- of his attention and time. He also sees anyone who doesn’t work the way he does as lazy (he almost never verbalizes this, but I can feel the judgment). The person labeling their spouse as a workaholic then says, “Oh, he takes off every weekend and we go to the lake house,” or something like that. That is not work addiction.

Anyway, perhaps you meant the term as a compliment, but I am still concerned because of this man’s description. I don’t mean to be negative. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[EasterJoy]

I hope you don’t think we are harping on you! Maybe this man is not truly work-addicted. I hope that he is not. One other clue is that everything becomes a project to a workaholic. They even make recreation into work. They don’t know how to play, how to relax, so they bring that intensity into everything they do. It’s the adrenaline addiction - they need the “hit” of pressure that brings the adrenaline up.

That’s a good way of describing it! It isn’t just the possibility of neglect for the sake of work that makes a workaholic difficult to have a relationship with. It is the distorted perspective that work is the mistress, the goddess, the measure of life. It is the need to make everything into something intense. It may not seem intense to him, but it makes the people around him want to slip him narcotics.

The spectre of divorce is bad enough. We don’t want the OP to wind up going to prison because she finally snapped and “worked” the guy over with a cast iron skillet. Seriously, though, you describe it well, RealJulianne. We are talking about a view of work that would not be better if the OP shared it. If they were both workaholic, that would just mean work is a way in which they’re both toxic.

Having said that…OP, if his relationship with work doesn’t seem right to you, it does not matter that he does not have a view of work that is inherently disordered. We don’t mean you need to give him a psychological assessment. Rather, you will be his yokemate. Agree to marry when you satisfy yourself that you two will be equally yoked. The work of life is enough as it is, without having to struggle to mutually adjust your strides to each other for the length of every furrow.

 

[runwaymodel]

Bless you all for the wonderful and diverse answers. The issue is not with his work, its with our age. I have stated earlier that he would drop everything (and has) to be there for me, so his job interfering with us is not the concern.:hug3:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That’s a good way of describing it! It isn’t just the possibility of neglect for the sake of work that makes a workaholic difficult to have a relationship with. It is the distorted perspective that work is the mistress, the goddess, the measure of life. It is the need to make everything into something intense. It may not seem intense to him, but it makes the people around him want to slip him narcotics.

The spectre of divorce is bad enough. We don’t want the OP to wind up going to prison because she finally snapped and “worked” the guy over with a cast iron skillet. Seriously, though, you describe it well, RealJulianne. We are talking about a view of work that would not be better if the OP shared it. If they were both workaholic, that would just mean work is a way in which they’re both toxic.

Having said that…OP, if his relationship with work doesn’t seem right to you, it does not matter that he does not have a view of work that is inherently disordered. We don’t mean you need to give him a psychological assessment. Rather, you will be his yokemate. Agree to marry when you satisfy yourself that you two will be equally yoked. The work of life is enough as it is, without having to struggle to mutually adjust your strides to each other for the length of every furrow.

I have my doctorate in the subject…



Life lessons learned…

 

[bstorm]

Bless you all for the wonderful and diverse answers. The issue is not with his work, its with our age. I have stated earlier that he would drop everything (and has) to be there for me, so his job interfering with us is not the concern.:hug3:

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with age gap. Your youthful look will eventually go away and he will not always be twice as old as you, just give it a few years. Other things are more important than the age gap. The questions of religion, children, your agreement on how to space children (leave it up to God, NFP) and if you and him are willing to stick together through hardships, whether financial or physical (illness). Also, while nothing is certain in life, there is a good possibility that you will need to be his caretaker in his old age and you will likely outlive him by many years. I wish you the best.

 

[VonDerTann]

I’m sorry, Runwaymodel, I respectfully disagree with the advice you are getting, which can be characterized as “regardless of the age difference, go for it!” I think that advice is, with due respect to others, completely unsound, so much so that I chide those who have advanced it. Let me explain:

1. You appear to be talking about an approximately 20 year age difference, at least. Don’t be fooled by the “puppies and kittens” nonsense about that being irrelevant: It is hugely relevant. You are now, and always will be, at extremely different stages of life from him. This is huge.What if he wants kids tomorrow? Would you be comfortable with that? Conversely, if you had a baby at 35; you’d still be a young woman but he’d probably be nearing 60, and, at a very different stage of life. Moreover, I actually think that, for example, the difference between 2 people is less if she’s 50 & he’s 70, than it is when she’s 23 & he’s 43, simply based upon the way folks “grow up” these days. You will be in the prime of life when he is an old man. That is asking a lot of anyone.

1A. On that subject, are you really going to be his equal partner? If he’s a successful businessman with some real-world experience, what exactly do you “bring to the table?” I’m not suggesting you don’t bring anything, far from it…I’m seriously asking, “what do you think he sees in you?” I can see a marriage between diverse-age partners working but only when its based on mutual respect, stemming from, for example, similar life views but also similar intellects. When I was 23, I cared nothing for 401(k)s, investments, ecuational issues for children, etc. These things will be important to him…Do you have opinions on these? Will he respect them? Will he care what you think?

1. Do not discount roles of famiy & friends. His friends will always be older. Yours will always be significantly younger, and they will want to do the various activies people of those groups will aways enjoy. I am sincerely sorry to be blunt but, even in 2011, don’t be shocked if some component of his friends will look at you as a “trophy wife,” and some of yours will quietly call him a cradle robber.
2. Now, regardless of what friends think, let’s look at what HE thinks. I know this may be a hard concept, but for a mid-forties guy, ANY woman under 25 – particularly one with the screen name “runwaymodel” – is going to be appealing. The comment of another poster, about looks fading, is misplaced, for this reason: His dating pool is probably women who are 40-ish, and with due respect, most women look better at 23 than at 43. The point is, and again, I’m not trying to be offensive - are you really sure you are not a “trophy wife” to him?
3. Over & above all of that, the bit about being a workaholic is also disconcerting. My guess is that a 40-something man, single, and a workaholic, is probably very devoted to his career, so much so that it ought to be a genuine concern to you.
4. Oddly, I note the bit that “he could retire now.” In this economy, maybe 0.0001% of 40 year olds can retire NOW. Your comment is insightful, for 3 wholly different, but equally wrong, reasons. Either a) you are vastly overestimating how much he actually owns (equity vs. appearance, i.e., a leased porsche is a nonexistent asset since it’s not owned) since so few people can genuinely retire at 40; or b) you are vastly underestimating how much money one really needs to retire at 40+ (its usually millions, plural, subject to desired standard of living), which speaks to your own life experiences and financial maturity; or c) he really does have millions in liquid cash and really can walk away, which, with all due respect, is IMHO no blessing and is actually a curse, since that much money makes you lose perspective, makes one a target, etc., you can be so rich that it is hard to date someone because of other different life backgrounds, etc. Plus, if he really has that many millions, is successful, and he has 20 years on you? I’m sorry, you can and will be the trophy wife.

I’m really sorry to sound harsh and I don’t mean to, but I am highly skeptical of this, as I am of most romances between parties of big age differences. For my $0.02, “5 years either way” is a very nice and very consistent guideline, because beyond that “different stages of life” rears its ugly head.

Good luck.

 

[cmscms]

Some people don’t age slowly. They are very young for their age and then one day they wake up and they are old. For example, a 40 year old could probably win at squash against any 20 year old. And then one day they wake up and all of a suddent they no longer have the same energy level.

I will assum you are 22 and he is 44. Well… perhaps he still hasn’t reached his plateau and that is why the age is not an issue. But maybe when he is 50, he WILL HAVE to slow down and you will only be 28 and still full of energy and that will be a REAL drag.

For someone whose parents had her later in life…I love my parents to pieces but no it was not always easy. I am glad my mom was older and obviously still of child bearing age. I am glad my dad was younger because I could not imagine having parents any older than mine. You could have a kid at 40 and the father would be 60. I would find that hard

To be honest, what REALLY concerns me is your post. I can’t help but think when God leads two people to marriage, they know it in their heart. They don’t post a concern on the internet. Reverse the tables for a moment. How would you feel if he was posting concerns about you? Would you feel secure marrying him? I think you are concentrating on the age thing because you have other concerns you can’t admit to.

And lastly, I admit there are times when a big age gap is not an issue. But those are the minority of the cases and usually it is an issue

CM

 

[VonDerTann]

You know what? I gave what I thought was a well-reasoned opinion.

Then cmscms came along and said this:

“I can’t help but think when God leads two people to marriage, they know it in their heart. They don’t post a concern on the internet. Reverse the tables for a moment. How would you feel if he was posting concerns about you? Would you feel secure marrying him? I think you are concentrating on the age thing because you have other concerns you can’t admit to.”

–and that summed up what I was too inarticulate to say. Ditto to that.

 

[runwaymodel]

I have already stated the concern and acknowledge how others view us. I can’t change a persons opinion.
Believe it or not, VonDerTann, at my young age I have traveled around the world and been exposed to many things most people have never experienced. Our social groups eventually intermingled which is how we met. I have dabbled in finances myself so we have more than just values in common. If a person happens to be part of the “less than 1%” then what of it? Anyway, I appreciate your opinion.

cmscms:

To be honest, what REALLY concerns me is your post. I can’t help but think when God leads two people to marriage, they know it in their heart. They don’t post a concern on the internet. Reverse the tables for a moment. How would you feel if he was posting concerns about you? Would you feel secure marrying him? I think you are concentrating on the age thing because you have other concerns you can’t admit to.

Please don’t be so insulting with that comment. Its almost laughable actually. People come here seeking advice, do they not? I am simply being honest about my feelings and situation so I may evaluate it further.

 

[Anna_jane]

I’m married to a man 15 years older; it can work. The only issues are his devotion to work and his not practicing his Faith, and both of those can be solved if you ask yourself one question. If we had children, and I died, would I trust this man to raise my children?

 

[VonDerTann]

OK, runwaymodel, it’s great that you’ve “traveled the world” and “dabbled in finances,” but with due respect, the same is true of every 19 year old US army private sitting in a foxhole in Korea right now. My point is that “dabbling in finances” and boarding a plane does not an adult make (in fact, I’d wager on the maturity of most army privates over models twice their age any day – particularly a model who won’t even share her real age, or that of her BF – with strangers who could ever know you in real life.

Look, it’s your life. Do you want with it. But I gotta say, you managed to insult cmscms as “laughable” and tell me I was all wet because you’ve traveled and “dabbled in finances,” basically because we asked questions about the relationship (but which you didn’t actually answer).

I’m sorry but the more you write, the more I rather detect that you’re trying desperately be, or to convince yourself that you are, “grown up enough to date your BF.” The more you write, the more you convince me otherwise.

But life is not a debating club, so I seriously hope you take what I wrote to heart, and maybe re-read it later and give it a lot of thought.

 

[bstorm]

I’m sorry, Runwaymodel, I respectfully disagree with the advice you are getting, which can be characterized as “regardless of the age difference, go for it!” I think that advice is, with due respect to others, completely unsound, so much so that I chide those who have advanced it. Let me explain:

…

I’m really sorry to sound harsh and I don’t mean to, but I am highly skeptical of this, as I am of most romances between parties of big age differences. For my $0.02, “5 years either way” is a very nice and very consistent guideline, because beyond that “different stages of life” rears its ugly head.

Good luck.

Please realize that there are a number of people in relationships and even marriages with a significant age gap. Just because you are skeptical of them, it does not mean that they cannot work. I can think of at least 3 couples I personally know. While age difference is not an insignificant factor and brings its own challenges, there are many more important issues to consider. It is not the be-all and end-all issue. In my mind, the fact that they are not completely on the same page regarding their practice of religion is a much bigger issue. In the end, the OP needs to decide for herself whether it will work for her or not.

OP: Your concern is mainly on how other people view you. Well, as you can see on this forum, some people will think you are crazy and will call you a trophy wife. Can you live with that? One more thing to think about regarding the age difference is that people change a lot when they are in their 20ies. You are likely very mature for your age, but there are some things in life that only come with experience. I understand that you traveled world and experienced many things, but there is certain wisdom that only comes with age. I am not able to explain it very well, but you will be a different person in your 30ies than you are now. Your partner, on the other hand, is mostly set in his ways. He is who he is. This is not good or bad, but it is something to consider as you are thinking about this relationship. In some ways, the age gap between a 30 year old and a 50 year old is much smaller than the one between 20 year old and a 40 year old, no matter how smart the 20 year old person is.

 

[runwaymodel]

Please realize that there are a number of people in relationships and even marriages with a significant age gap. Just because you are skeptical of them, it does not mean that they cannot work. I can think of at least 3 couples I personally know. While age difference is not an insignificant factor and brings its own challenges, there are many more important issues to consider. It is not the be-all and end-all issue. In my mind, the fact that they are not completely on the same page regarding their practice of religion is a much bigger issue. In the end, the OP needs to decide for herself whether it will work for her or not.

OP: Your concern is mainly on how other people view you. Well, as you can see on this forum, some people will think you are crazy and will call you a trophy wife. Can you live with that? One more thing to think about regarding the age difference is that people change a lot when they are in their 20ies. You are likely very mature for your age, but there are some things in life that only come with experience. I understand that you traveled world and experienced many things, but there is certain wisdom that only comes with age. I am not able to explain it very well, but you will be a different person in your 30ies than you are now. Your partner, on the other hand, is mostly set in his ways. He is who he is. This is not good or bad, but it is something to consider as you are thinking about this relationship. In some ways, the age gap between a 30 year old and a 50 year old is much smaller than the one between 20 year old and a 40 year old, no matter how smart the 20 year old person is.

Thank you. You have some very good points, especially the one in bold. In life people will talk and have an opinion either way. But yes, you are correct, people change a lot as they grow up.
God bless everyone for their answers, again. They have been very insightful.

 

[FrenchGwen]

I’ve found the different opinions there very interesting and insightful, as well pros and contras. Some of your answers, dear OP, showed you had thought about those and were good signs, some other answers (or non-answers) may require more thought but you still have time for that.

I’ll be a little blunt and just emphasize a point which requires some reflexion : the question of “will you stick around if he suddenly becomes ill ?” is a good one. BUT honestly, one always thinks there is no such great probability of this happening any time soon," he’s healthy", and “it’s a hazard”, “if it ever happened I would beautifully sacrifice and stick by him”.
OK, let’s say it won’t happen.

What WILL happen, though is : he’ll be less healthy than you.

• Already, if you were to run together, there are chances you would be able to overtake him. In 10 years, he won’t be able to keep up with you.
• He will tire much more quickly when you’re doing something together
• He may have, let’s say, hips problems; not sending him in a wheelchair, no, but just preventing those lovely long walks you may happen to enjoy so much on a daily basis
• AND let’s be clear : sexually too, it will be different. From the onset of your marriage, he will be past his “prime sex years” and may be less interested and resilient than you will. Then, statistically, you’ll be reaching your best “sex years” around your 30s. Let’s face it: he may not be able to make love to you anymore then. Or just very, very rarely. Or it will need much, much attention from you to ensure that he’s able to “go through with it”, without any attention being given to your enjoying it.

So basically, what I’m saying is: you may never (or only for a very short time, in a very long time) experience the “nursing stage” when you have to totally give up on yourself to nurse an ailing husband.
But no matter what, your married, everyday life will be impacted, in many, many little ways, by your husband’s age. On the outside, your life won’t differ from many other marriages. Yet, many times a day, you will have to step down and relinquish a simple joy because he’s just not able to share it with you anymore. No huge sacrifice, but daily, small, petty frustrations.
Honestly, any marriage is made of these. Are you simply aware you will have significantly more than the usual share ?

 

[Luvz2travel]

Why would you want to? Love may be great and all but 20 years down the lane when he starts to get ill or old age sets in you’ll still be mostly in your prime. Also any kids you might have deserve a parent that is young and healthy enough to interact with them.

 

[runwaymodel]

Yes, of course I would stick around if he ever got sick or ill, as I would expect he would if something ever happened to me. Marraige is not meant to be easy and everyone will always have different obstacles, and this is my obstacle. I just wanted to consider and take advice from every view

Luvz2travel:

Why would you want to? Love may be great and all but 20 years down the lane when he starts to get ill or old age sets in you’ll still be mostly in your prime. Also any kids you might have deserve a parent that is young and healthy enough to interact with them.

.

I understand what you are trying to say, but I didn’t ‘want’ to fall in love with a man who much older than me, it just happened. Its not like I went out purposefully seraching for older gentlemen to date. :blushing:
Yes, I have thought about the situation with future kids. That is one that concerns me a lot. But a more youthful age doesn’t make for a more loving and caring Father.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, of course I would stick around if he ever got sick or ill, as I would expect he would if something ever happened to me. Marraige is not meant to be easy and everyone will always have different obstacles, and this is my obstacle. I just wanted to consider and take advice from every view

I understand what you are trying to say, but I didn’t ‘want’ to fall in love with a man who much older than me, it just happened. Its not like I went out purposefully seraching for older gentlemen to date. :blushing:
Yes, I have thought about the situation with future kids. That is one that concerns me a lot. But a more youthful age doesn’t make for a more loving and caring Father.

I haven’t seen it here yet, but the old yardstick used to be “half your age plus seven”: if you’re twenty, don’t date guys too old for you to be 1/2 plus 7 of their age (which is 26).

I wouldn’t take that as a hard-and-fast rule. Rather, that is a red flag to take your time and make sure you are in an equal relationship, an adult-adult interaction, rather than something with tints of adult-child. That can be a little tricky when charting a relationship with someone old enough to be well-set in his ways.

Before you marry, too, you need to be very sure you understand how to and have the ability to manage his assets should he be incapcitated for a short amount of time. What does he have in place for this now? What would he want you to do if your legal status as spouse put you in charge? Can he trust you to manage his affairs for a week? A month? A year? For the rest of his natural life? Can you manage the money in your marriage in a way that suits you both if he is not there to guide you? These are things to work out before either of you jump.

I’d say: take your time. If he is like most older bachelors I know, he saw too many friends married for their affluence and then left when affluence couldn’t hold the marriage together. He has avoided the starter marriage that is going to saddle him with alimony checks and bitterness in favor of finding the one that will last the first time. He will be just as interested as you are in taking it slowly and making sure that you will both be happy with your choices.

The 2nd wife of J.S. Bach, Anna Magdalena, was 17 years his junior, and they married when she was about 20. They had 13 children; the youngest was 8 when Bach died. By all accounts, it was a happy marriage. She had a great deal of financial difficulty after his death, however. Bach’s sons went their various ways. She lived with her two youngest daughters and a step-daughter, and died in poverty. (Bach was successful, but never very wealthy.)

As we know well these days, wealth can vanish. As you go forward, make sure you are in a relationship that will allow you to give yourself the skills to support the family in some fashion, should it fall on you to do so. This has to include something that does not depend on your looks, as I’m sure you’re aware. It ought not get in the way of parenthood and being a wife, but rather ought to be aimed at making you an asset, should the family need you to be that. It has happened.

Oh, and should you marry and take a job before the children arrive, treat your salary like his: which is to say, put it into the joint assets, even if it doesn’t seem like much. A lot of couples find it works well to budget a certain amount that they can each save for use as the whim hits them, but beyond that don’t get into a “my money”/“your money” thing. Rather, agree to spending and saving rules that apply to you both. When you buy for the house or your wardrobes, aim as much as possible for items that suit you both, rather than for each to look for ways to convince the other to give in to what they want. If anything, resist his urge to over-spend on you, putting the emphasis on what you do with and for each other. If a couple is affluent but looks for ways to live more frugally than circumstances force them to, I think they both feel more secure that the marriage and their future is their main asset, not their current bank account. (But that is just my prejudice, perhaps.)

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Also, would he request a pre-nup from you?

It is something to keep in mind.

 

[EasterJoy]

Also, would he request a pre-nup from you?

It is something to keep in mind.

A pre-nuptial agreement, IMHO, shows a level of reservation usually not compatible with a free consent and full giving of one’s life, even though the reservation may be well-justified.

I think it is only justified when outside family members have a financial stake that deserves to be protected: the wife agreeing that she will not demand a portion of the family business jointly owned with her spouse’s brothers, or agreeing to a certain amount of her husband’s pre-marital assets be held in trust for the children of the first marriage, that kind of thing. I would be OK with my prospective spouse ensuring that the financial fall-out of a failed attempt at marriage would be borne by him alone, and not the rest of his family. That is reasonable, and would indicate that he’s responsible, not that he’s distrustful of me.

If either spouse feels they need protection from the other, though, then it is better to hold off on marriage until that is ironed out.

 

[EasterJoy]

If they’re just starting to date, though, it is a little early to talk pre-nuptial agreements.

If she wants to know “is it possible that this courtship could lead to a healthy marriage”, the answer is “possibly, for the right couple, but be aware of X, Y, and Z”. That would be: keep on looking for skills and a work history that will allow you to support yourself now and your family later in life, look for whether you both seem comfortable with each other’s friends and family, look for whether you have an adult-adult relationship, look for a flexibility in your gentleman that is greater than typical for his age and a maturity and set of interests that is also unusual in someone your age, and so on. As the OP has already noted, as in any relationship look for how your values, core beliefs, chosen and family relationships, emotional histories, habits of facing and resolving conflicts, and fundamental treatment of others (especially those you don’t even know) match up and complement each other.

As marriage approaches as a topic of conversation, look for how your serious relationship with God will have a real and sustaining place in your marriage, look for whether you are lucky enough that your living habits won’t take a lot of mutual adjustment, consider how you will cope when he reaches the incapacities of old age and you go through your youth in company older than your peer group, consider what you’ll do if he becomes incapable of sex long before you are ready to stop having any, consider what you’ll do when he becomes incapable of travel when you’re still very capable of it, consider whether he will find you competent to take charge of his financial affairs should he suffer a debilitating illness or injury before you’re even 30, consider what on earth you’re going to do if you have twins, and so on. Of course, there are also the usual things, such as whether you are both intent on pursuing all the goods inherent in marriage, regardless of the personal price to you.

You can take a lot less for granted and you will have trials that not every relationship has. That’s not necessarily a disqualifier, but your are wise to realize that you will have to have qualities as a couple that not everyone has, if this is going to work. I would expect that you’re going to want to wait until you’re 23 or 24 before you even consider marriage, if not longer. We all do a lot of changing between 19 and 25!!

Keep praying, keep in touch with your sense of yourself, keep considering what adjustments would be made and how if your money and health were gone tomorrow, and keep in close contact with your friends and family. Be honest with yourself, and this could possibly work out for both of you.

God bless you, and good luck!