Marrying a man twice your age

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree, though we see a lot of conflicting advice on this issue. Many posters on CAF want to homeschool their children. I do not see how that’s possible unless the husband is a workaholic. How can one income provide for a family unless it’s a job that requires a heavy time investment?

No, you are misusing the term, as a lot of society does. A workaholic is not someone who works a lot of hours. A workaholic is usually someone who works a lot of hours without any real need to put in those hours. A workaholic cannot STOP working and has few interests outside of work, and whatever they do, they turn it INTO work.

And home schooling can be done by a parent who works from the home. A huge income is not necessary at all.

 

[runwaymodel]

If your really a runway model and it doesn’t work out with this older gentlemen-give me a private message, huh?

Yes I am. I like to remain positive and hope it does work out, but thanks for making me laugh.

Luvz2travel:

Well it’s your choice of course but just a word or warning. The previous secretary at my job married a much older guy (I think he was maybe 23 years older) she stayed good friends with my boss over the years and she’s a really sweet person but she never had kids and now she’s taking care of her husband who is wheelchair bond and had a major stroke a few years back. She’s only in her early 50s but her husband is totally incapable of doing anything for himself he’s totally paralyzed. I’m not saying that would happen but health issues would come up. I guess I feel it’s just better to have been born in the same era as your spouse. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they are the best match for you

Yes, I am aware of that. Thank you for sharing.
My grandmother married my Grandfather who was about 25 years older than she was and he passed away before I had the chance to met him (though not because of his age but because of cancer unfortunately). So she was without him for many, many years.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes I am. I like to remain positive and hope it does work out, but thanks for making me laugh.

Yes, I am aware of that. Thank you for sharing.
My grandmother married my Grandfather who was about 25 years older than she was and he passed away before I had the chance to met him (though not because of his age but because of cancer unfortunately). So she was without him for many, many years.

Have you talked to your grandmother and her children about your situation? I think both could give you some insights that no one here really has.

 

[runwaymodel]

I have not, EasterJoy, though that is a very very good idea. Its seems kind of obvious now. I don’t know why that didn’t occur to me earlier. I haven’t seen her in years because she lives quite far away but she is always a phone call away.:newidea:

 

[Rascalking]

Yes I am. I like to remain positive and hope it does work out, but thanks for making me laugh.

.

That was the point (making you laugh)! In all seriousness, I hope it works out great for you and this guy. Your in my prayers.

 

[Serap]

We can never be 100% secure. This is okay too, since Christ is where we put our hope. Financial security can be a distraction from putting our trust in God. I’m not saying that it is the case with you, but sometimes people can let money give them a false sense of security.

I wish you all the best.

I live in a well to do neighborhood with lots and lots of unhappy moms b/c hubby’s are away on business a lot.

It’s a different ballgame when kids enter a marriage. A travelling husband then becomes a burden on the mother and wife.

 

[Serap]

Well it’s your choice of course but just a word or warning. The previous secretary at my job married a much older guy (I think he was maybe 23 years older) she stayed good friends with my boss over the years and she’s a really sweet person but she never had kids and now she’s taking care of her husband who is wheelchair bond and had a major stroke a few years back. She’s only in her early 50s but her husband is totally incapable of doing anything for himself he’s totally paralyzed. I’m not saying that would happen but health issues would come up. I guess I feel it’s just better to have been born in the same era as your spouse. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they are the best match for you.

Yeah, my grandfather married a woman 25 years his junior and now he needs 24/7 care and my poor step-grandmother is 56 and looking after my grandfather full-time after his stroke earlier this year.

They also have 2 girls in their mid-twenties and their father will never walk them down the isle. He probably will be dead before they get married and have children.

I personally could not marry an older man. 12 years older than me max would be it for me.

 

[cecilia97]

I respect your very real and honest response. No, he does not refer himself as a workaholic, I am the one who categorizes him that way. He has been very supportive and available to me emotional…more than I ever could ask for. He will, and has, dropped everything to be there for me at a crucial time.
I am unlike a lot of women in the aspect that I cherish and adore my free time.** I like to have spac–I need to have space. I am a very independent girl and have relied only on myself for many years so being ‘lonely’ while he is a work will not bother me. **
I am more concerned about our age difference. Maybe I just should attempt not to care so much what other people think or assume.

Children don’t like space so much. They need their dad and they need to know that they’re the priority in his life. Mothers of young children don’t need space as much as they need help…and the best way to model a strong family for your kids is to have the help of their other parent, not an au pair. If you’re blessed with children, the important thing will instantly become THEIR needs, not yours or his.

Just things to consider. Of course, you know the situation much better than us. God bless you.

 

[Musician]

My husband is twelve years older. It has never been the slightest issue, other than we quickly had our children because of his age so he could be young enough to enjoy them. I wouldn’t change a thing!

 

[GEddie]

Yeah, my grandfather married a woman 25 years his junior and now he needs 24/7 care and my poor step-grandmother is 56 and looking after my grandfather full-time after his stroke earlier this year.

They also have 2 girls in their mid-twenties and their father will never walk them down the isle. He probably will be dead before they get married and have children.

I personally could not marry an older man. 12 years older than me max would be it for me.

As in everything else, YMMV.

But a relationship should not be designed around possibly walking daughters down the aisle, or seeing them have children; it should be for the present. The other things might never happen even if the 2 parents are highschool sweethearts; and the long-term illness thing could also happen then.

The OP didn’t go looking for someone who is older; they found each other. If they agree on marriage and children, IMNAAHO they should go ahead. Our human life is too unstable to go looking for an artificial modern ideal.

ICXC NIKA.

 

[runwaymodel]

As in everything else, YMMV.

But a relationship should not be designed around possibly walking daughters down the aisle, or seeing them have children; it should be for the present. The other things might never happen even if the 2 parents are highschool sweethearts; and the long-term illness thing could also happen then.

The OP didn’t go looking for someone who is older; they found each other. If they agree on marriage and children, IMNAAHO they should go ahead. Our human life is too unstable to go looking for an artificial modern ideal.

ICXC NIKA.

Wow, that was very beautifully said. :clapping:
I tend to be a very logical person and want all the facts 1st instead of following my heart. Maybe I should change that…well, just in the matters of love, anyway.

 

[Serap]

As in everything else, YMMV.

But a relationship should not be designed around possibly walking daughters down the aisle, or seeing them have children; it should be for the present. The other things might never happen even if the 2 parents are highschool sweethearts; and the long-term illness thing could also happen then.

The OP didn’t go looking for someone who is older; they found each other. If they agree on marriage and children, IMNAAHO they should go ahead. Our human life is too unstable to go looking for an artificial modern ideal.

ICXC NIKA.

In theory, this all sounds wonderful…in reality this stuff just deosn’t stick.

Divorce rate of couples like Runwaymodel is 80% for a reason.

Runwaymodel needs to keep her eyes wide open and try not to be blinded by love. She seems like a very nice person and she is young and easily blind sided by love. I just hope she gives herself lots of time to think about things.

One year of dating is nothing in comparison to a life-time. IMO, she should date this guy for at least 2 or 3 more years before agreeing to marry.

 

[GEddie]

In theory, this all sounds wonderful…in reality this stuff just deosn’t stick.

Divorce rate of couples like Runwaymodel is 80% for a reason.

Runwaymodel needs to keep her eyes wide open and try not to be blinded by love. She seems like a very nice person and she is young and easily blind sided by love. I just hope she gives herself lots of time to think about things.

One year of dating is nothing in comparison to a life-time. IMO, she should date this guy for at least 2 or 3 more years before agreeing to marry.

No argument there. Three years of courtship is just smart. I didn’t say they should marry next spring.

But divorces happen – often – with HS sweetheart couples, too. This is not an age issue per se.

ICXC NIKA

 

[bstorm]

In theory, this all sounds wonderful…in reality this stuff just deosn’t stick.

Divorce rate of couples like Runwaymodel is 80% for a reason.

Runwaymodel needs to keep her eyes wide open and try not to be blinded by love. She seems like a very nice person and she is young and easily blind sided by love. I just hope she gives herself lots of time to think about things.

One year of dating is nothing in comparison to a life-time. IMO, she should date this guy for at least 2 or 3 more years before agreeing to marry.

Kindly provide the source of your 80% divorce rate claim. It also needs to separate the divorce rate for couples entering the marriage for the first time vs. those that have been divorced before. As you know, many of these marriages are between divorced older man and a young woman. The second and subsequented marriages have a much higher divorce rate than the first marriages. Any analysis needs to account for these factors, otherwise the numbers are meaningless.

Other than that, I agree with you that she needs to make her decision wisely. However, don’t you think that marriage is such a serious undertaking that anybody contemplating it should not be blinded by love and give themselves a lots of time to think?

 

[Catholic90]

There are no guarantees in life.

I married a man my same age. He never saw his kids graduate from high school, much less get married and have their own children.

My DH died in his 40s.

A family I know has young children and the dad is dying of ALS. He is in his 30s.

A good friend lost her husband to a tragic car accident. He was 50.

Another acquaintance lost her husband to an accident. He was 23. They had just had a baby.

Go in with your eyes wide open, consult with your priest, speak with your family, and God be with you in whatever decision you make.

 

[Serap]

Kindly provide the source of your 80% divorce rate claim. It also needs to separate the divorce rate for couples entering the marriage for the first time vs. those that have been divorced before. As you know, many of these marriages are between divorced older man and a young woman. The second and subsequented marriages have a much higher divorce rate than the first marriages. Any analysis needs to account for these factors, otherwise the numbers are meaningless.

Other than that, I agree with you that she needs to make her decision wisely. However, don’t you think that marriage is such a serious undertaking that anybody contemplating it should not be blinded by love and give themselves a lots of time to think?

No the divorce rate is for first time marriage between a young woman and a much older man. Google it. I dont’ have time to find it unfortunately.

I’m not saying this age difference would lead to divorce, but it’s been done by many couples and hence, the reason for the high divorce rate for this type of union.

Eyes need to be wide open.

 

[EasterJoy]

One year of dating is nothing in comparison to a life-time. IMO, she should date this guy for at least 2 or 3 more years before agreeing to marry.

That would be true based on her age alone. I would actually be more concerned about a divorce if her groom were as young as she is. She needs to remember that even a mature 20 year old is still a 20 year old. She may have her life more in order and her priorities more square with wisdom than her peers do, but she’s still 20. If she’s very mature, this could be hard for her friend to remember, too. I say this having been a 20 year old who thought I had it on my friends. Probably I did…but I was still 20. My mother married when she was 18 and Dad was 21…they were very young, and they had some stuff to work through when Mom was still 20. Sure, they’re still married 60 years later, but it still would have been easier on Mom to have waited, even in the world back then.

Pride goeth before the fall.

 

[bstorm]

No the divorce rate is for first time marriage between a young woman and a much older man. Google it. I dont’ have time to find it unfortunately.

I’m not saying this age difference would lead to divorce, but it’s been done by many couples and hence, the reason for the high divorce rate for this type of union.

Eyes need to be wide open.

I did google it before I posted the request for you to provide the information. Did not find any such claim. I did, however, find several websites that claimed that previous studies pointing toward the high divorce rate for couples with large age gap were flawed. Due to the nature of statistical studies, giving a number means nothing without providing the context on how the data was collected.

Anyway, let’s not dwell on this. The endpoint is that the OP needs to carefully consider this relationship as should anybody else who wants to get married. Relationship with an older man brings its own challanges, but it is neither wrong nor sinful. OP needs to know herself and her boyfriend and then make the best decision for her.

 

[bstorm]

That would be true based on her age alone. I would actually be more concerned about a divorce if her groom were as young as she is. She needs to remember that even a mature 20 year old is still a 20 year old. She may have her life more in order and her priorities more square with wisdom than her peers do, but she’s still 20. If she’s very mature, this could be hard for her friend to remember, too. I say this having been a 20 year old who thought I had it on my friends. Probably I did…but I was still 20. My mother married when she was 18 and Dad was 21…they were very young, and they had some stuff to work through when Mom was still 20. Sure, they’re still married 60 years later, but it still would have been easier on Mom to have waited, even in the world back then.

Pride goeth before the fall.

Well said. People do change a lot in their 20ies. When I was in my early 20ies I was really proud of my independence and maturity. Like OP, I traveled a lot and interacted with many people of different ages and from different cultures. And I was more indepent and mature than an average 20-year old. But now I understand how naive I used to be. There are some things that only life experience can help us understand.

 

[Serap]

I did google it before I posted the request for you to provide the information. Did not find any such claim. I did, however, find several websites that claimed that previous studies pointing toward the high divorce rate for couples with large age gap were flawed. Due to the nature of statistical studies, giving a number means nothing without providing the context on how the data was collected.

Anyway, let’s not dwell on this. The endpoint is that the OP needs to carefully consider this relationship as should anybody else who wants to get married. Relationship with an older man brings its own challanges, but it is neither wrong nor sinful. OP needs to know herself and her boyfriend and then make the best decision for her.

agree with the bolded part.

I should clarify that the statistic is if the woman is under age 26 and the man is 15 years or more than her. For example, if the women is 30 and he’s 50, then they have as good a chance as any because a 30 year old woman is very mature when she marries.

Runwaymodel…whatever you decide, I hope this has given you food for thought. I wish you happiness and peace.

Sometimes in life, after weighing the good, the bad and the ugly, we have to make a decision. If it’s the wrong decision, then we have to live with it and the misery that accompanies it. If it’s the right decision, then we have created a lot of happiness for ourself.

Being a mom with 2 young ones, I often don’t understand why women are in a such a hurry to get married and have kids It’s a lot of work and I look back on my single years and remember how much easier life used to be…