So it seems runwaymodel that you are in your twenties and this man is in his forties? Well, one issue that no one seems to have brought up so far is, being that this man is so wealthy and successful, as well as older, there seems to be not just an age gap, but a substantial power gap as well. Perhaps this hasn’t been addressed because many people here are socially conservative and find this quite acceptable, that a husband has power over his wife as the “head of the family”, But still, that doesn’t mean that the husband should be an authority figure over a wife in the same way a father is an authority figure over the daughter. (At least, that’s what I think, I’m sure there are people out there who think he should be.) I also don’t get the sense from your posts that this is the type of relationship you are looking for.
That’s the connotation I get from the whole “trophy wife” stereotype, not just that a rich, powerful man marries a beautiful young woman, but that he views her not as an equal helpmeet, but as just another bought object, a plaything, which can easily be discarded, or at least shoved in the back of the closet, when it’s not shiny anymore. Often, it seems the kind of man who marries a “trophy wife” does so not just because he can, but because there is something lacking in him that makes him not only unwilling but unable to engage in a more healthy, equal relationship. He may see other people in general simply as objects to be manipulated for his own benefit. Indeed, you note that you both move in circles where this is standard operating procedure and where true friendships are rare to nonexistent. So I wonder, what makes you so confident that he really sees you as a whole, valuable person, if he can’t see anyone else the same way?
You also admit that in the beginning, the relationship was based on the superficial, “what’s in it for me” aspects of beauty for him and security for you. I totally believe that this isn’t the case for you anymore, but what about him? Do you have any power in this relationship other than what comes from your looks? Everyone has been talking about what will happen when he’s old and grey, but if he doesn’t find forty-something women attractive now, then will he still find you attractive when you’re forty? It’s not as disturbing to me as, say, a thirty year old dating a fifteen year old (which in most places is barely legal), but it does raise questions about your boyfriend’s maturity when it comes to relationships. If you were in a fire, or other horrible accident, and lost your beauty, would your boyfriend truly stick by you, or run the other way? Would he at least be tempted to find another young girl to keep on the side?
This may sound harsh and uncharitable, but that’s the kind of doubt that rises in many people’s minds when they see a “May-December” relationship, “what’s wrong with that guy, that he’s not compatible with women his own age?” I’m sure this man treats you well in the dating/courting stage, but some men (and women too!) change once they have it in the bag, and show their true colors. I suspect that if what Serap posted is true about the high failure rate of such relationships, often they break up because the older man decides it’s time for a new flavor of the month, not just because the younger woman grows up and realizes that she wants a more equal relationship.
Now, just so you know where I’m coming from, I’m in my early thirties, and at this point, tend to be attracted to men around my own age, maybe 4-5 years older, tops. I did, a few years ago, briefly date a man who was ten years older than me, who had not been married before. Now, I think we would have turned out to be incompatible even without the age gap, but one of the reasons I broke off that relationship is because I found the man to be very immature, though I don’t know if he was the type to be attracted to younger women in general, or not. Maybe he found me to be mature for my age, and certainly, when I was in my twenties I often felt I was too mature for my peers and felt more comfortable with older people as friends. But being friends is one thing, being life partners is quite another.
It’s a lot of work and I look back on my single years and remember how much easier life used to be…
