Marrying a non-catholic, can it work!?

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Give what you’ve described here, what are some reasons you can think of for the marriage not working?

Mostly that we will not be a unified unit on our faith, our children will see him not doing the sign of the cross with us, refusing to go to mass (he has agreed to go on anything regarding the children only, as well as pay to put them through catholic school). The main issue I think is I am worried that somehow his hostility towards the church will end up rubbing off on our children, despite my best efforts.

I do know ideally I should have entered into a relationship with a catholic, but as someone said, I am past that point. I think I just want some encouragement before we say our “I,do’s” that this is the right path; keeping our family together; and that we can still have a successful marriage despite our religious differences. <3

All any of us on these threads can do is offer our anecdotal observations based on our marriages or the marriages of those we know. So, here’s my story:

I’m married to a non-Catholic, a man who’s a self-described agnostic. He is not a baptized Catholic. I was a practicing Catholic when we met, and he knew this.

He understood all of the requirements for getting married in the Church, especially the requirement to bring children up into the Faith. He went through precana.

Our marriage has not produced children, but he has two daughters from his first marriage. When we married he agreed to have the girls brought into the Church. (He had sole custody at the time, so this was his decision to make.) They have since received First Communion and will be confirmed in three years. They attend Catholic school. Although he has profound disagreements with some Church teachings, he does not speak ill of the Church around the girls. He’s learning to temper his speech around me, and I am getting better at letting him know when I feel offended.

He attends Mass and some services with me when he’s at home. He fasts on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday because I do. He doesn’t eat meat on Fridays because I don’t. He respects my prayer and devotional life. He’s very respectful of the sacramentals I have around the house.

Our marriage is solid. It’s not perfect; no marriage is. I know exactly where he stands vis-a-vis religion, and he knows where I stand. In this respect I’m in a better position than women who married a Catholic man who decided five, eight, eleven years into the marriage that he doesn’t want to be a part of the Church anymore.

Luna

 

[nickybr38]

Confusion for the children will just make things harder for them when they get older. I truly believe that.

I just don’t understand why people would give their child mixed messages about something as important as faith.

It’s hard enough for a person to find the right path when they had parents united in faith but when the parents are not united… it just makes me very sad that people are willing to risk their child’s faith.

I think part of the problem is that people are thinking only of themselves. Only of their relationship with their spouse and they don’t consider what this is REALLY going to mean for their children when children come into the picture. I’m not saying people are being deliberately selfish but I don’t think they’re being entirely self sacrificing either…

Anyway. Not casting judgment, just trying to look at this with open eyes. Eyes not blinded by love.

 

[KP3243]

Considering Catholics believe it is a sin to lie, why would any devout Catholic put their soul in jeopardy so cavalierly?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Even where the non-Catholic spouse does not interfere directly with the children being raised Catholic, there is a huge missing element in the childrens’ Catholic upbringing. They receive only ONE parent’s Catholic faith and devotion. In my case, I am a very flawed Catholic myself, struggling to pass along my interrupted and short catechesis and learn as I go, while trying NOT to upset my husband and get into fights about what I believe and what he doesn’t believe. Walking on eggshells trying to be Catholic but not being able to do anything in the parish. Teaching about the sacraments to complete silence from him. Telling our son that sex with his girlfriend was wrong and that using condoms did not make it right. But not having his father reiterate that sex before marriage is wrong…

I’ve done the best I could, but my best hasn’t been very good, overall. It would have been far, far better if my husband had been able to give his sons a good Catholic foundation instead of just me.

And, for his part, I know he resents that he has had to keep quiet and not contradict me - we’ve had a few discussions and his eyes get very cold and hard when he speaks about it. I am so sad… Neither of us has had the partner we wanted and yearned for, I guess…

This post is probably going to be way out of line. But hey, what is the internet for?

From everything I’ve seen you post on here it seems like you resent having the husband that you do because you compare him to “good Catholic men”. But he isn’t Catholic, and he may never be. (Yes, ok, he was baptized, now he’s lapsed, before anyone gets on me I understand that he will always be Catholic in the eyes of the church but right now for all intents and purposes he isn’t.) You fell in love with him knowing this. Now that you’ve reverted you are living in disappointment because when you changed he didn’t suddenly change with you and become the man that you now want him to be. But don’t judge him based on what a “good Catholic man” is supposed to be, judge him based on the man that you married, the life you’ve built together, and the person that he is. It is unfair of you to be disappointed in him when he was upfront with who he is and what he believes from the beginning.

I also think that you’re very, very lucky. He sounds like a good man who would bend over backwards for you. (Either that or he’s completely and totally henpecked and you’ve spent your entire marriage bulldozing him, but I’m giving you both the benefit of the doubt.) He’s a better person than I am, that’s for sure. If my spouse became Catholic I would still love and support them, but there is no way that our children would go to Catholic school. There is no way that my husband would take them to mass every week. And there is absolutely no way that I would pretend to believe something that I don’t and keep my mouth shut about it. I would do a lot more than just get cold, hard eyes.

A lot of people who are married to “good Catholic men” don’t have husbands that would sacrifice their wants, beliefs and desires for their wives the way your husband has for you. Religious beliefs are a very deep and personal thing, and he kept a huge part of who he is away from his children for you.

Once again, I know that may be out of line, but its just something to think about.

 

[nickybr38]

This post is probably going to be way out of line. But hey, what is the internet for?

From everything I’ve seen you post on here it seems like you resent having the husband that you do because you compare him to “good Catholic men”. But he isn’t Catholic, and he may never be. (Yes, ok, he was baptized, now he’s lapsed, before anyone gets on me I understand that he will always be Catholic in the eyes of the church but right now for all intents and purposes he isn’t.) You fell in love with him knowing this. Now that you’ve reverted you are living in disappointment because when you changed he didn’t suddenly change with you and become the man that you now want him to be. But don’t judge him based on what a “good Catholic man” is supposed to be, judge him based on the man that you married, the life you’ve built together, and the person that he is. It is unfair of you to be disappointed in him when he was upfront with who he is and what he believes from the beginning.

I also think that you’re very, very lucky. He sounds like a good man who would bend over backwards for you. (Either that or he’s completely and totally henpecked and you’ve spent your entire marriage bulldozing him, but I’m giving you both the benefit of the doubt.) He’s a better person than I am, that’s for sure. If my spouse became Catholic I would still love and support them, but there is no way that our children would go to Catholic school. There is no way that my husband would take them to mass every week. And there is absolutely no way that I would pretend to believe something that I don’t and keep my mouth shut about it. I would do a lot more than just get cold, hard eyes.

A lot of people who are married to “good Catholic men” don’t have husbands that would sacrifice their wants, beliefs and desires for their wives the way your husband has for you. Religious beliefs are a very deep and personal thing, and he kept a huge part of who he is away from his children for you.

Once again, I know that may be out of line, but its just something to think about.

This is exactly what I’m talking about… If he were to push for his beliefs to be respected as well there would be some huge division going on.

Those with faith and those without simply shouldn’t be married.

Not my relationship, not my post you were responding to but I think you made some excellent points. It sounds like he has been making a lot of sacrifices to find some kind of peace in the home… and it’s unfortunate that it’s necessary that EITHER spouse would have to neglect or set aside their beliefs just to keep peace in the home.

 

[angelstar3]

What are his reasons for being so hostile to the Catholic Church? You don’t have to answer this, but think it over. Why is he not open to his wife and children’s faith?

I actually would like to respond to this, only because maybe it could lead to some helpful advice on my part.

He does not know that much about the actual faith in my opinion. He knows about the politics regarding the Church. He sees a Church that protects child molesters, that only cares about fame and power, and he also does not understand saints or mary’s intercession of prayers. He says it is taking glory away from God, he also thinks our use of statues is idolotry. In my opinion, he fits in with the common misconceptions of the Catholic faith other people generally have. I’ve tried to discuss the above with him until I’m blue in the face, he won’t listen though.

 

[po18guy]

I was non-baptized when I married my Catholic wife. Starting from this “zeroed-out” position made my eventual conversion much easier. Willfully marrying someone who is set against your faith is choosing to embrace difficulty. It would be difficult enough if he was indifferent toward the Church, but being set against it implies that family unity will be elusive, if it is ever arrived at. Remember that he loves you and wants to marry you, but will his agreeability to raising the children in the faith last past his vows? When matters of belief are pushed, it will lead usually lead to digging in of the heels, which is destructive to the two fleshes which have become one in marriage. Have you discussed this with your Priest?

Take your fiance with you to adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. There, ask the Lord to reveal Himself to your fiance.

Pray.

 

[jmoneyideas]

First of all I am a success story. I was not a man of any faith when I met my wife a catholic over 10 years ago. We got Married and have 4 great kids, it was not always easy and we both made a ton of mistakes. That being said I am now in the process of coming into the Church and our kids are all being raised Catholic.

I say if you are in Love then be in love regardless of the different religious views. For me it took me seeing the beauty of the mass when we went to a mass with my Mother in law. It led me to start looking at the Church and question some of the things I thought I knew. I think we should not become so isolated to only the belief system we are comfortable with. There are plenty of Lost people out there, myself included that through the working of the Holy spirit and the love of family can come to know the truth.

So I think it can work, it did for me. I would just keep showing love and praying for a quickening of the Spirit and let God work his magic. I am totally against someone not enjoying the love of a another person based on solely there religious belief.

 

[anp1215]

Yes, it can certainly work. The Church wouldn’t allow it if there was no chance of it working out. But a mixed marriage has unique challenges.

Considering Catholics believe it is a sin to lie, why would any devout Catholic put their soul in jeopardy so cavalierly?

What?

 

[lily20]

I would try to stay together if you have a child together. Much better for her.

It can be a blessing in disguise to marry a non-Catholic as your faith will be tested,
And through testing, can grow.
The challenges are values, and morals, so if you are strong you can cling to the Catholic Church in tough moments, taking confession, daily mass, rosary and prayer.

Do Not under-estimate the power of the Holy Rosary in the softening of your husband in ways that may allow you to share your faith to the world. Example: my non-Christian husband has allowed me to baptize my son Catholic. Also, I have make friends, go to church events, and also I am involved
In prolife efforts. So I am possibly being a better Catholic because otherwise I may have become despondant at home with my faith.

 

[nickybr38]

Yes, it can certainly work. The Church wouldn’t allow it if there was no chance of it working out. But a mixed marriage has unique challenges.
What?

It was insinuated that statistics are made up and she was saying why would any Catholic share false statistics, especially since we believe lying is a sin.

 

[Jim_Dandy]

Hostility to the Church is difficult to deal with and deadly to compatibility. His hostility can be contagious to your children at every age. Another word for hostility is contempt.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I do know ideally I should have entered into a relationship with a catholic, but as someone said, I am past that point. I think I just want some encouragement before we say our “I,do’s” that this is the right path; keeping our family together; and that we can still have a successful marriage despite our religious differences. <3

I would like to challenge the idea of being ‘past that point’.
You aren’t ‘past that point’ because you actually aren’t married.
If you imagined that you didn’t have your daughter, would it be easier to evaluate your relationship?
Of course you have her and it’s complicated.

He won’t make the sign of the Cross with you?
He might be more similar to an unbeliever than and a Christian. Some unbelievers hold the same hostilities that he seems to have.
Sometimes prayer can give you direction and courage to move forward. My best wishes go to you at this critical time.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This post is probably going to be way out of line. But hey, what is the internet for?

From everything I’ve seen you post on here it seems like you resent having the husband that you do because you compare him to “good Catholic men”. But he isn’t Catholic, and he may never be. (Yes, ok, he was baptized, now he’s lapsed, before anyone gets on me I understand that he will always be Catholic in the eyes of the church but right now for all intents and purposes he isn’t.) You fell in love with him knowing this. Now that you’ve reverted you are living in disappointment because when you changed he didn’t suddenly change with you and become the man that you now want him to be. But don’t judge him based on what a “good Catholic man” is supposed to be, judge him based on the man that you married, the life you’ve built together, and the person that he is. It is unfair of you to be disappointed in him when he was upfront with who he is and what he believes from the beginning.

I also think that you’re very, very lucky. He sounds like a good man who would bend over backwards for you. (Either that or he’s completely and totally henpecked and you’ve spent your entire marriage bulldozing him, but I’m giving you both the benefit of the doubt.) He’s a better person than I am, that’s for sure. If my spouse became Catholic I would still love and support them, but there is no way that our children would go to Catholic school. There is no way that my husband would take them to mass every week. And there is absolutely no way that I would pretend to believe something that I don’t and keep my mouth shut about it. I would do a lot more than just get cold, hard eyes.

A lot of people who are married to “good Catholic men” don’t have husbands that would sacrifice their wants, beliefs and desires for their wives the way your husband has for you. Religious beliefs are a very deep and personal thing, and he kept a huge part of who he is away from his children for you.

Once again, I know that may be out of line, but its just something to think about.

All very true, and thank you for reminding me of my blessings. I had to get up from the computer and leave the house to get myself off my “pity pot!”

I know I sometimes focus too much on what I lack and what our sons have missed out on. But given his own background, he’s been a stellar dad to them. He loves them beyond measure and I know he wants them to turn out to be good, honorable men. He doesn’t worry as much about their souls as I do. But he does want them to be good citizens and good men.

No, he’s not henpecked! He’s quite his own person. He really hasn’t changed much over the years, unlike me. I know that he loves me too, in his own way.

Well, it’s got to lead me back to trust in God, because otherwise, I got nothing.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

**This is exactly what I’m talking about… If he were to push for his beliefs to be respected as well there would be some huge division going on.
**
Those with faith and those without simply shouldn’t be married.

Not my relationship, not my post you were responding to but I think you made some excellent points. It sounds like he has been making a lot of sacrifices to find some kind of peace in the home… and it’s unfortunate that it’s necessary that EITHER spouse would have to neglect or set aside their beliefs just to keep peace in the home.

Honestly, I don’t think we would have made it as a family if he had. I could not have handled all the other stresses we had to deal with AND fought him on the religious front as well. Of course there would have been no solution because Catholics don’t get divorced…Well, the hypothetical didn’t happen, praise God.

He has told me that he was very worried I would use his lack of faith against him with our sons. I would never do that. His beliefs are his own to explain, when and if it ever comes up. The boys know only what he shows them, which is Catholic in form.

 

[nickybr38]

Honestly, I don’t think we would have made it as a family if he had. I could not have handled all the other stresses we had to deal with AND fought him on the religious front as well. Of course there would have been no solution because Catholics don’t get divorced…Well, the hypothetical didn’t happen, praise God.

He has told me that he was very worried I would use his lack of faith against him with our sons. I would never do that. His beliefs are his own to explain, when and if it ever comes up. The boys know only what he shows them, which is Catholic in form.

It sounds like you are a very blessed to be with a man who loves you enough to bite his tongue. What a difficult road for you both!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It sounds like you are a very blessed to be with a man who loves you enough to bite his tongue. What a difficult road for you both!

Indeed, I am and have been, very blessed.

:yup::harp:

It’s amazing he can still talk, or has any tongue left at all.

Counting my blessings now…

 

[KP3243]

Yes, it can certainly work. The Church wouldn’t allow it if there was no chance of it working out. But a mixed marriage has unique challenges.
What?

Sorry, its my first day on the forum, I was responding to the person who was a relative humanist who suggested that the Catholic radio program I listened to earlier today probably made up the statistics. I certainly believe a mixed marriage can work especially if you ask God for help.

 

[anp1215]

Sorry, its my first day on the forum, I was responding to the person who was a relative humanist who suggested that the Catholic radio program I listened to earlier today probably made up the statistics. I certainly believe a mixed marriage can work especially if you ask God for help.

It’s OK, I see now what you meant, I didn’t see before because there was nothing quoted.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

I’m not saying I believe the person lied. I’m a psychology major, specifically pursuing studying research and statistical methods. I tend not to believe statistics that are thrown around because they can be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Or they can have a limited sample size, small result size, or otherwise be statistically insignificant. I tend not to believe statistics until I see the data, sit down with a calculator and compute the test statistic myself. And thats just on the math side of it. Sometimes studies aren’t set up properly and get misleading data.