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sojo
Guest
Wow, its hard enough to find the “perfect” Godly spouse, but now you are looking for the perfectly Godly family, as well? Well… all I can say is good luck with that.
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90Domer
Guest
I was in this exact same situation, so I will relay what we have done to date. When I was newly engaged, I learned that my husband’s youngest brother was openly homosexual and was really pushing the homosexual agenda. I would not allow his brother to invite his partner, as I was getting married on a conservative Catholic campus by my very conservative uncle and history professor (two priests). That decision did not go over great, but I held my ground. At that time, my husband did not learn what scandal was. When he did, he fully supported my decision.
When my son was very young (before he could talk and have impressionable memories), we brought him to family events with said BIL and partner. However, when he became more impressionable, we decided to stop him from joining events where two were present. This is still the case (he is 10), as we want to make sure he is firm in the Catechism concerning SSA.
Most people would think that families who go to church and openly accept said family as “good Catholics.” In our case, my in-laws joined a pretty radical group looking to undermine the teachings of the CC. The were very involved in their church as extraordinary ministers and lectors. However, they gave the impression that Catholics were tolerant of “near occasion of sin” by SSA couples.
I can understand your concern, as when we went to a more liberal CC, we became squishy on our Catechism. Seeing families in attendance with an openly SSA couple (and the natural assumption is that the are NOT being chaste), it leads Catholics to think the church accepts this behavior. Add a priest that does not preach often or at all, and you have these families creating scandal.
I know this response will not be popular. Thankfully, as my husband learned more about the Cathechism, he totally came on board with me. However, when we got or get pushback from Catholic family members, we say, “We have 1 shot to get to Heaven, and we do not think 2000 years of inspired wisdom can be wrong.”
Good luck and God bless.
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90Domer
Guest
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
She already set up the false dichotomy of in the closet or in your face. There is a happy medium, and most gay people are in it.
A
atheistgirl
Guest
Mandate
While you’re having a long and genuine soul search about this issue, and your future together, I hope she is too.
I would never tolerate anyone, for any reason, mandating to me which members of my family and their partners and friends are welcome in my home.
Sarah x
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sw85
Guest
I think you’re in the right here, or at least not obviously wrong. The spiritual well-being of your children should be privileged over any hurt feelings of your possible future brother-in-law, and homosexual behavior is a scandal of a very high order, especially in the context of a society that encourages and celebrates such behavior.
I grew up with two lesbian sisters and surrounded by my mother’s many lesbian friends and I can testify personally to the damage this is capable of doing to a young child’s sensibilities. Nothing short of a massive whallop of grace turned my life around from the disorder my parents inculcated in me by the bad example they set. I wouldn’t roll the dice on that happening again just to keep from hurting BIL’s feelings.
And before anyone asks, no, my sisters are not getting anywhere near my future children.
A
atheistgirl
Guest
I was wrong
When I opened this thread I guessed it would be 5 posts before someone equated the brothers homosexuality with pedophilia and the threat posed to any children in their immediate environment.
It took to #8 to get there
Sarah x
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7armyrugrats
Guest
Daddy was the 10th of 12, mom was the youngest of 14. I’m the 5th of six kids. My husband is the oldest of two kids, but his dad was the 2nd of 18, my mother in law is the oldest of 8. We have 7, #8 coming any day now!!! Our families are nothing if we aren’t fertile I guess!
Like I said, I’m the 5th of six and so far there are 29 grandkids, 3 great grand kids for my parents (30 counting our new one). My mom used to joke about needing a parade permit to walk across the street. During lent we would go to Long John Silvers on Fridays–EVERYONE in the place would murmur about how we must be Catholic. It’s more fun than hard, but definetly not what most people are used to. I can’t imagine living in any other family though.
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7armyrugrats
Guest
Of course not. That’s ridiculous and you know it. But I’m not going to keep them away from family either. It’s not like any of the people in either of our families would pole dance or grope each other in front of anybody’s kids. Not the gay members, straight members, saints…no matter what type of sinner they are, we do have a sense of modesty. I personally can’t stand heterosexual couples making out or dressing/acting immodestly any more than I would a gay couple.
C
Cl0v1s
Guest
This does seem to be a very sensitive subject; however, your first inclination was right.
We must always remember that we have a duty to our primary families, i.e., our spouses and children, before our obligations to our extended members. In this situation, I think many people are focusing too much on the feelings of the gay in-law. However, as a responsible parent, you have the duty to protect your children (future children) from the possible harm of seeing a disordered union being carried out so close to the home by a close family member. Even if you tell your children it is wrong, the fact that the environment was present in their formative years will have a serious impact on their view of homosexual relationships in the future.
Think about the matter logically; you either tell your children that your brother in law and his possible partners are living in an impure manner at a very young age, running the risk of exposing them to “too much too soon.” On the other hand, if you wait until they are older to explain the matter, they might become too attached to the idea that their “uncles” are happy (or at least were when the children were young), and might reject your ideas for the more popular secular perspectives (and believe me; in this country, homosexuality is a lethally popular fad among youths).
On the other hand, you could leave the man out of the children’s lives for a decade or so. My extended family also engaged in behavior contrary to Church teaching, so my parents did the responsible thing and prevented our interaction in the same way (and I bless them every day for their courage).
Ultimately, you should talk the issue over with your fiancee. She will have to choose between you and her brother. If she is a remarkable woman (which I hope she is), she would be equally concerned about her children’s mental and moral health and will agree to avoid contact with her brother. If she cares more about her relative’s feelings than her children’s safety, then I would call off the marriage.
We must always remember that we have a duty to our primary families, i.e., our spouses and children, before our obligations to our extended members. In this situation, I think many people are focusing too much on the feelings of the gay in-law. However, as a responsible parent, you have the duty to protect your children (future children) from the possible harm of seeing a disordered union being carried out so close to the home by a close family member. Even if you tell your children it is wrong, the fact that the environment was present in their formative years will have a serious impact on their view of homosexual relationships in the future.
Think about the matter logically; you either tell your children that your brother in law and his possible partners are living in an impure manner at a very young age, running the risk of exposing them to “too much too soon.” On the other hand, if you wait until they are older to explain the matter, they might become too attached to the idea that their “uncles” are happy (or at least were when the children were young), and might reject your ideas for the more popular secular perspectives (and believe me; in this country, homosexuality is a lethally popular fad among youths).
On the other hand, you could leave the man out of the children’s lives for a decade or so. My extended family also engaged in behavior contrary to Church teaching, so my parents did the responsible thing and prevented our interaction in the same way (and I bless them every day for their courage).
Ultimately, you should talk the issue over with your fiancee. She will have to choose between you and her brother. If she is a remarkable woman (which I hope she is), she would be equally concerned about her children’s mental and moral health and will agree to avoid contact with her brother. If she cares more about her relative’s feelings than her children’s safety, then I would call off the marriage.
J
Julia_Mae
Guest
[x]Most sensible post in the thread.
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90Domer
Guest
I think this advice is spot on and was the path we chose. However, it is very tough when decisions are driven by feelings versus truth. Elizabeth Scalia has a lot to say about sentimentalism, which are decisions based solely on feelings. God bless.
M
mommy_k
Guest
Since this is an impediment for you, you should make an appointment for yourself and future spouse to talk to a priest- sort of a pre- pre-cana.
This problem is not going go away, you need professional guidance, not opinions.
This problem is not going go away, you need professional guidance, not opinions.
L
Lady_Love
Guest
My brother married a woman who has an openly gay brother. They simply told their children that same-sex relationships are not normal, that their gay uncle, because of his sinful nature has abnormal inclinations toward the same sex. He asked his children to pray for their uncle, that God might free him from these inclinations.
Their exposure to their uncle has taught them how to see past a person’s flaws to the beauty of the person. It has taught them not to base a person’s value on what sins they commit. It has taught them not to be condemnatory but to help through their prayers. The children love their uncle and have no desire to be gay.
Their exposure to their uncle has taught them how to see past a person’s flaws to the beauty of the person. It has taught them not to base a person’s value on what sins they commit. It has taught them not to be condemnatory but to help through their prayers. The children love their uncle and have no desire to be gay.
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gardenswithkids
Guest
:clapping:
:yup:
Yes. It’s a parenting question. They don’t yet have children, but knowing what I know now about parenting and marriage, this is** not** just about the future brother-in-law. Good parenting is hard work–and it means making unpopular decisions at times. Although moms and dads parent differently from each other, mom and dad should approach parenting as a team effort. Therefore, it’s also about the relationship between the couple—future husband and wife.
Spouses need to respect and consider each other’s opinions. How does his fiance respond to her future husband’s concerns? Can they talk about this like reasonable people? Does she put her brother and his feelings put* above* her fiance’s concerns about exposing their future children to a militant homosexual/anti-Catholic agenda? Does she put her fears of hurting her brother’s feelings over any concerns about her future children?
To my mind, the op has several good reason for being concerned. And, as another poster mentioned, the op has a serious question that might be better off bringing to a priest who knows the people involved rather than just asking strangers on the internet. If he is going through a good marriage prep program (some are great; some aren’t so good) I would suggest that it is a topic worthy of further discussion.
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Pax2u
Guest
It’s a tough situation. I have a niece who is gay, but she never mentions it, does not bring anyone to family gatherings, and it has never been an issue that needed to be discussed yet with the children in the family. Her discretion is so appreciated.
I love her dearly. If it ever came to a time where she was very open and bringing an inappropriate relationship into the family gatherings, I would explain to children that though we love her, the actions are against God’s will, and that is never ok…that we should pray for her every day and be respectful. If it was blatant “in your face” kind of behavior going on, I would talk to her privately and ask her to stop. If it didn’t, I would not be around, as sad as that would make me.
I love her dearly. If it ever came to a time where she was very open and bringing an inappropriate relationship into the family gatherings, I would explain to children that though we love her, the actions are against God’s will, and that is never ok…that we should pray for her every day and be respectful. If it was blatant “in your face” kind of behavior going on, I would talk to her privately and ask her to stop. If it didn’t, I would not be around, as sad as that would make me.
Mary_Gail_36
New member
My uncle is gay.
I never knew about it until I was in my 20’s perhaps.
When I was a child, he was a bachelor uncle with a “room-mate.” I think perhaps I met the room-mate at some point as a child…I don’t remember. My uncle lived out of state.
He came to visit perhaps bi-monthly and stay for the weekend, “Room-mate” did not come along. I clearly remember meeting the room-mate at about 16. I never put two and two together.
Uncle would go to family functions sometimes with a lady friend, sometimes with with “Room-mate” I thought it was nice that we were friends with my uncle’s room-mate.
I stayed at their home for a few days a a time in my 20’s. It was a nice home, nothing blatantly flamboyant (for lack of a better word ) still never put two and two together.
Now my children have met my uncle and room mate (various times. now we live further apart) They think he’s a friend of my uncle’s. I haven’t ever had to explain or answer questions. Nothing has ever come up.
My DH’s family is totally unaware, my friends are unaware. My uncle is not in the closet, he just is circumspect.
I’m glad I got to know him, he’s a senior citizen now. He’s been generous and kind to us.
I do believe what the Church teaches re the topic. I love him and hope that he’s in a state of grace.
On the other hand, I’ve had to explain to my kids already, divorce and remarriage, couples living together without being married, and children born out of wedlock. But so far no questions about my uncle.
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Snowball7
Guest
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t allow the man in my house
with a “partner” of his, ever. I also would not associate with him
except at the few absolutely necessary times. Obviously, choose
someone else to be Godfather if your wife has a child.
with a “partner” of his, ever. I also would not associate with him
except at the few absolutely necessary times. Obviously, choose
someone else to be Godfather if your wife has a child.
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Bruised_Reed
Guest
A past co-worker would mention her sister’s “room mate” and it took me forever to figure it out and I was an adult. One time the co-worker mentioned what her husband gave to the the roommate for Christmas and I thought that’s quite a personal thing to give your sister-in-law’s room mate…ooooohhhhhhh.:doh2:
My uncle is gay.
I never knew about it until I was in my 20’s perhaps.
When I was a child, he was a bachelor uncle with a “room-mate.” I think perhaps I met the room-mate at some point as a child…I don’t remember. My uncle lived out of state.
He came to visit perhaps bi-monthly and stay for the weekend, “Room-mate” did not come along. I clearly remember meeting the room-mate at about 16. I never put two and two together.
Uncle would go to family functions sometimes with a lady friend, sometimes with with “Room-mate” I thought it was nice that we were friends with my uncle’s room-mate.
I stayed at their home for a few days a a time in my 20’s. It was a nice home, nothing blatantly flamboyant (for lack of a better word ) still never put two and two together.
Now my children have met my uncle and room mate (various times. now we live further apart) They think he’s a friend of my uncle’s. I haven’t ever had to explain or answer questions. Nothing has ever come up.
My DH’s family is totally unaware, my friends are unaware. My uncle is not in the closet, he just is circumspect.
I’m glad I got to know him, he’s a senior citizen now. He’s been generous and kind to us.
I do believe what the Church teaches re the topic. I love him and hope that he’s in a state of grace.
On the other hand, I’ve had to explain to my kids already, divorce and remarriage, couples living together without being married, and children born out of wedlock. But so far no questions about my uncle.
If it worked on me it would probably work on kids. Yes, I did wonder why her sister had a room mate still but hey, I wasn’t going to judge.
T
The_Bucket
Guest
I think the bottom line is that people are people and we should all be treated with dignity and respect regardless of our sins. Some sins are public and some are private. All are damaging but every single one of us is also guilty so let’s leave the judging to the Judge and instead focus on the love.
We can love without condoning evil action; the idea that with love must come acceptance of every single thing someone does is a very popular fallacy. We must accept the fact that everyone is worthy of dignity, respect and love because our Lord loves every single person equally. He may be hurt by our actions and our actions may even cut us off entirely from Him, but His love remains all the same. So must we love.
We can love without condoning evil action; the idea that with love must come acceptance of every single thing someone does is a very popular fallacy. We must accept the fact that everyone is worthy of dignity, respect and love because our Lord loves every single person equally. He may be hurt by our actions and our actions may even cut us off entirely from Him, but His love remains all the same. So must we love.
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