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Monsterkittie
Guest
Our priest tried to “drown” the alter servers with holy water that night. When he got back to the altar, his friend (a fellow Oblate) grabbed the sprinkler from his hand and got revenge for the altar servers. The whole congregation cheered!!
:clapping: :clapping: :clapping: :clapping:
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Monsterkittie
Guest
One more, of the “lost in the translation”…
Relayed to me by a pastor from a Christian group…
There had been a missionary who came to our mostly-Spanish-speaking border town and visited this guy’s church to give a sermon. His sermon was about the Good Shepherd and his 100 sheep. If one was lost, he would leave the other 99 to come find the lost one and bring it home. The Spanish word for sheep is “oveja”. What came out was “vieja”. Literally, means “old woman”. Slang is your ‘ho’.
So…translation from Spanish… Jesus was the Good Shepherd, who had a hundred ‘hoes’…and one of the ‘hoes’ got lost. So he left the other 99 ‘hoes’ and went to look for the lost ‘ho’. He found the lost ‘ho’ on the hillside, just laying there, looking so sad…so he picked up this ‘ho’ and carried her on his shoulders and returned to his other ‘hoes’. We are all those lost ‘hoes’. You and I are all God’s ‘hoes’. (The poor guy never stopped, despite the snickers and looks of bewilderment…)
BTW…the priest we were with when this was told to us was laughing so hard, he spilled his coffee…
Relayed to me by a pastor from a Christian group…
There had been a missionary who came to our mostly-Spanish-speaking border town and visited this guy’s church to give a sermon. His sermon was about the Good Shepherd and his 100 sheep. If one was lost, he would leave the other 99 to come find the lost one and bring it home. The Spanish word for sheep is “oveja”. What came out was “vieja”. Literally, means “old woman”. Slang is your ‘ho’.
So…translation from Spanish… Jesus was the Good Shepherd, who had a hundred ‘hoes’…and one of the ‘hoes’ got lost. So he left the other 99 ‘hoes’ and went to look for the lost ‘ho’. He found the lost ‘ho’ on the hillside, just laying there, looking so sad…so he picked up this ‘ho’ and carried her on his shoulders and returned to his other ‘hoes’. We are all those lost ‘hoes’. You and I are all God’s ‘hoes’. (The poor guy never stopped, despite the snickers and looks of bewilderment…)
BTW…the priest we were with when this was told to us was laughing so hard, he spilled his coffee…
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stbruno
Guest
We had one priest who left the altar to answer nature’s call, and when he returned his vestments were stuck in his pants…the deacon tried to discretely correct the garments.
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daeve
Guest
That is very funny. I have a story about a friend selling Tupperware at a party of deaf women. She made a two handed gesture trying to indicate a container for a slice of pie, but the gesture she made referred to an internal female organ. She thought the snickers were enthusiasm, until the interpreter corrected her. Way off topic, but pretty funny. Sometimes a little knowledge is dangerous…that really applies to ASL.
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RosalieM
Guest
The one I use is this:
“Blessed are you, Lord God, maker of all living creatures.
You inspired St. Francis to call all animals his brothers and sisters. We ask you to bless this animal, by the power of your love, enable it to live according to your plan.”
There are other Franciscan pet blessings and versions of this one. You can Google them and use them for your pets.
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rpp
Guest
Okay, I was at daily Mass one day seated next to a rather nicely dressed and very pretty lady in her late 20s or early 30s. She and her husband are good friends of mine. It was winter and she wore a long overcoat.
As we got up to go to communion, she decided to take off her coat.
Revealing the fact that the back of her skirt was tucked into her panties.
A fact that she was completely oblivious to.
And I am right behind her.
So I decided to take a chance. With one quick tug, I fixed her dress. She did not react in the least.
However, after Mass, she turned to me, her eyes narrow; she was clearly rather angry.
“What in the world did you do to me? What gives you the right?” she growled at me.
Sheepishly, I said, “Umm… your dress was umm… stuck in your umm… panties. I just tugged it loose. I am sorry, I did not notice until I was behind you in communion line. I guess I should have told you rather than just do this. Sorry. Didn’t you feel cold?”
It is rare to see someone go from anger to humiliation so quickly.
Then she started laughing hysterically. Finally she stopped long enough to say. “I wondered what my husband meant when, as I was leaving he said, ‘Isn’t it a little too cold to air-condition your backside?’”
As we got up to go to communion, she decided to take off her coat.
Revealing the fact that the back of her skirt was tucked into her panties.
A fact that she was completely oblivious to.
And I am right behind her.
So I decided to take a chance. With one quick tug, I fixed her dress. She did not react in the least.
However, after Mass, she turned to me, her eyes narrow; she was clearly rather angry.
“What in the world did you do to me? What gives you the right?” she growled at me.
Sheepishly, I said, “Umm… your dress was umm… stuck in your umm… panties. I just tugged it loose. I am sorry, I did not notice until I was behind you in communion line. I guess I should have told you rather than just do this. Sorry. Didn’t you feel cold?”
It is rare to see someone go from anger to humiliation so quickly.
Then she started laughing hysterically. Finally she stopped long enough to say. “I wondered what my husband meant when, as I was leaving he said, ‘Isn’t it a little too cold to air-condition your backside?’”
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kristie_m
Guest
You mean, her husband let her LEAVE THE HOUSE Iike that???
If my husband had done that, there isn’t a jury in the world who would have convicted me!
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Loren_1of6
Guest
Not Mass, but during Stations this Lent we got to hear how the women of Jerusalem laminated Jesus on the road to Calvary. That was a new one on me.
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rpp
Guest
Umm… Isn’t that what happened? Isn’t that the eight station? Wasn’t Jesus in Jerusalem and carried His cross to Calvary (aka Golgotha)? Or am I being real dumb?
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rpp
Guest
Isn’t laminated when you heat plastic over something?
Oh! Ha ha!
I get it!I wonder what kind of glue they used?
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kristie_m
Guest
I’m probably going to Hell for this, but I keep envisioning Jesus now, in shrink-wrap.
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uxordepp
Guest
Oh, where to start?
We had a priest some years back who was usually very kind and gentle.
This particular Sunday he was giving us a barn-burner of a homily, which was very unusual for him. He is nearly pounding his fist on the ambo when he emphasizes:
“You’ve GOT to CHANGE your WIFE!”
The poor man turned four shades of red as the congregation cracked up (we were not a very disciplined bunch). The last word was, of course, supposed to be LIFE.
A story on myself…This past Easter Vigil, I chanted the Exsultet. I got a little new-agey on myself when I chanted “Rejoice O Mother Earth”…I kept on going and apparently no one noticed.
And one I’ve only heard about. One of the prelude pieces to the funeral of a local butcher was “Sheep May Safely Graze”
We had a priest some years back who was usually very kind and gentle.
This particular Sunday he was giving us a barn-burner of a homily, which was very unusual for him. He is nearly pounding his fist on the ambo when he emphasizes:
“You’ve GOT to CHANGE your WIFE!”
The poor man turned four shades of red as the congregation cracked up (we were not a very disciplined bunch). The last word was, of course, supposed to be LIFE.
A story on myself…This past Easter Vigil, I chanted the Exsultet. I got a little new-agey on myself when I chanted “Rejoice O Mother Earth”…I kept on going and apparently no one noticed.
And one I’ve only heard about. One of the prelude pieces to the funeral of a local butcher was “Sheep May Safely Graze”
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wifenmommy
Guest
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Asillia
Guest
A few weeks (maybe a month) or so ago, our priest asked to pray for John Paul our pope.
The weirdest one that I can think of:
It was the Sunday in Lent where you chant the Gloria (3rd or 4th, I can’t remember) - we had a visiting priest and for some reason, as we started chanting the Gloria, we suddenly all found ourselves reciting the Apostles Creed! I think it was when we got to the part about ‘Almighty God and Father’ and we somehow segued into the middle of the Creed. All throughout the congregation people were kind of laughing and unsure of what to say but we ended up doing the entire Creed!
Afterwards the priest said, “Well, we won’t tell Father Randy about that”…and then we didn’t even do the Creed after the Gospel seeing as how we’d already done it.
The weirdest one that I can think of:
It was the Sunday in Lent where you chant the Gloria (3rd or 4th, I can’t remember) - we had a visiting priest and for some reason, as we started chanting the Gloria, we suddenly all found ourselves reciting the Apostles Creed! I think it was when we got to the part about ‘Almighty God and Father’ and we somehow segued into the middle of the Creed. All throughout the congregation people were kind of laughing and unsure of what to say but we ended up doing the entire Creed!
Afterwards the priest said, “Well, we won’t tell Father Randy about that”…and then we didn’t even do the Creed after the Gospel seeing as how we’d already done it.
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