Mass with spouse who contracepts

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I can attest to the miscarriage and IUD. My brother and sister in law are in their late 20s, married for 6 years. They have one child. She had IUD just prior to that baby, took it out, conceived and had baby, and then had another one put in. Now they have been “getting all their duck In a row” before trying for next. She trained and ran a marathon, bought a new house, moved, new jobs. Of course, a baby was not in those plans. Now I guess the timing was perfect! She had the IUD taken out and conceived right away. We were all excited as her, my sister and I are all expecting and due within weeks of each other. However, when she went in for routine ultrasound to determine due date, there was no heart beat. After a very tough 5 days of limbo, they finally did d&c on Monday night. I love my brother but he is very worldly and often treats me as if I think I am holier than thou. I do not preach to him at all but he knows my beliefs. I do have 6 kids with another on the way and try to live a holy example. I feel guilty because it is hard for me to not feel a little bit of indifference since in my flawed human heart I want to scream “I TOLD YOU SO!” Terrible, I know!!!
I’m praying for your sister in laws loss right now. I hope she has some true support from someone who understands the pain of the death of a baby inside her. It is a terrible loss, not something she brought on herself. An iud miscarriage is one that happens while the iud is still in place.
 
I feel like I have to respond to some bad advice on contraception and what being open to life means. First, NFP is not the Catholic form of birth control. Just because you “don’t want children” now or anymore or whenever doesn’t mean you have a right to contracept or NFP. In that case, NFP is birth control, and that is bad. Sorry, Catholics, even you super organized and ducks-in-a-row ones, you have to acknowledge that there are some things you should not be in control of. **The church teaches that NFP is to be used when a couple have GRAVE reason to not have children at the moment. **Couples who use NFP still have to be open to life. Secondly, one poster made a comment about how at some point, everyone is done having babies atleast mentally. I would say that it is always best spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically to leave families up to God entirely, meaning you do not seek and you do not shun children, but you simply entrust your family to God, and whatever shall be is His will.
Nope. Not what the Church teaches.

The Church teaches that you must have “just” reasons. Not serious, not grave. Simply just reasons.

And NFP can be used “long term.” It doesn’t have to be “at the moment.”

You might want to learn more about what the Church teaches. 👍
 
Nope. Not what the Church teaches.

The Church teaches that you must have “just” reasons. Not serious, not grave. Simply just reasons.

And NFP can be used “long term.” It doesn’t have to be “at the moment.”

You might want to learn more about what the Church teaches. 👍
Let’s not play word games with just/grave/whatever in this exact circumstance. In this context they have little difference in meaning. Does a couple have just/grave reason to NFP because more than two children will stretch the family budget? Only the individual in each circumstance knows, but I’m personally not willing to try to explain that at my judgement. Does a couple have just/grave reason to NFP because they want to provide a certain material lifestyle for their family that more children would jeopardize or not allow? I’m not willing to bet my state of grace on it. Does a couple have just/grave reason to NFP because mom wants to give more individual attention to children and more children makes it difficult to do so? Who is mom really thinking of here? Is she entrusting her family’s best interest to our Lord, or trying to keep control so that she may have an earthly peace? Blessed John Paul II quoted several times, “Madness which comes from God is so much more beautiful than wisdom of human origin.”

It’s not our individual place to judge someone else’s circumstances, but, I would encourage Catholics to really soul search on what just reasons are for NFP, leaving the secular world and all of it’s “wisdom” out of it. Mental illness, physical illness, unemployment, can all qualify as just NFP reason, but some serious soul searching I think needs done among a lot of Catholics. I know couples that have their boy and have their girl and they’re ready to NFP. I know a young couple that got married and said they were going to NFP for five years until they were financially in a place they wanted to be. One MUST acknowledge there is some worldliness and misunderstanding of God’s plan for marriage and the church’s teaching when it comes to these situations. So much of NFP has to do with intention. Once again, being open to life is crucial to NFP being used as the church intends. I had a great priest who answered the question, “How do you know when you’re ready to be married?” with the response, “When you’re ready for children.” All I’m trying to say, is that NFP is not the Catholic form of birth control, and we shouldn’t treat it as such. Think about it!
 
I’m praying for your sister in laws loss right now. I hope she has some true support from someone who understands the pain of the death of a baby inside her. It is a terrible loss, not something she brought on herself. An iud miscarriage is one that happens while the iud is still in place.
Thank you for your prayers. I am praying for her too. My mom suffered a late miscarriage ( near 20 weeks) and drove 2 hours north to spend 3 days with them. So yes she did have someone to care and support them

However, while I am no doctor, it simply makes sense that messing with the uterine lining will increase your chances of miscarriage even if the IUD is not in place. In this case, the IUD was just removed so I would guess the thinning of the uterine lining was not completely replenished and a fertilized egg could not properly implant. Of course, the exact reason will never be known, but this is certainly a possibility. I don’t try to judge. Just wish people would educate themselves more about this stuff before they blindly take what any doctor gives them!!

I am so sorry for your loss! While I have never experienced the pain of losing a baby, I do understand that it is very real and substantial, and I do not discount that. But, yes, there are many scenarios where people bring on their on suffering. Whether this is the case in this scenario, only God knows.
 
The church teaches that NFP is to be used when a couple have GRAVE reason to not have children at the moment. Couples who use NFP still have to be open to life
As a previous poster said , just or serious reasons are adequate.
Secondly, one poster made a comment about how at some point, everyone is done having babies at least mentally. I would say that it is always best spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically to leave families up to God entirely, meaning you do not seek and you do not shun children, but you simply entrust your family to God, and whatever shall be is His will.
I think that we have a difference in how we fundamentally view God’s and a couple’s participation as co-creators to create human life. God created the biology, and the biology follows His rules. Your position implies that God does not follow His own rules, but wills sperm to meet egg or sperm to not meet egg. That opens up a whole can of worms in terms of why unmarried teens get pregnant, why babies are born with defects, why children are born to unfit parents.

It’s much easier to understand when one considers that God created the rules, the biology, of conception, and lets them work correctly in our lives. If that is the case, then ‘providentialism’ really has no underpinning.
 
Let’s not play word games with just/grave/whatever in this exact circumstance. In this context they have little difference in meaning.
Word games?
I wasn’t the one that used the word “grave” when the Church uses the word “just.”
Does a couple have just/grave reason to NFP because more than two children will stretch the family budget? Only the individual in each circumstance knows, but I’m personally not willing to try to explain that at my judgement. Does a couple have just/grave reason to NFP because they want to provide a certain material lifestyle for their family that more children would jeopardize or not allow? I’m not willing to bet my state of grace on it. Does a couple have just/grave reason to NFP because mom wants to give more individual attention to children and more children makes it difficult to do so? Who is mom really thinking of here? Is she entrusting her family’s best interest to our Lord, or trying to keep control so that she may have an earthly peace? Blessed John Paul II quoted several times, “Madness which comes from God is so much more beautiful than wisdom of human origin.”
No one is asking you to determine if a couple has just reasons to use NFP.

You decide if you have just reasons, I decide if I have just reasons. That is what the Church tells us. And it is the Church I follow, not you.
**It’s not our individual place to judge someone else’s circumstances, but, I would encourage Catholics to really soul search on what just reasons are for NFP, leaving the secular world and all of it’s “wisdom” out of it. ** Mental illness, physical illness, unemployment, can all qualify as just NFP reason, but some serious soul searching I think needs done among a lot of Catholics. I know couples that have their boy and have their girl and they’re ready to NFP. I know a young couple that got married and said they were going to NFP for five years until they were financially in a place they wanted to be. One MUST acknowledge there is some worldliness and misunderstanding of God’s plan for marriage and the church’s teaching when it comes to these situations. So much of NFP has to do with intention. Once again, being open to life is crucial to NFP being used as the church intends. I had a great priest who answered the question, “How do you know when you’re ready to be married?” with the response, “When you’re ready for children.” All I’m trying to say, is that NFP is not the Catholic form of birth control, and we shouldn’t treat it as such. Think about it!
It is not your place to judge someone’s circumstances but you seem to be doing just that. 🤷
 
Maryjk, perhaps you feel convicted by what I say, because you are awfully defensive. I am not judging you or anyone. There is nothing judgmental about looking at a situation and pondering it, especially in light of a bigger issue, like the control and contraceptive mentality. I simply brought up points that I think are worthy of other Catholics reflecting upon. It is okay for you to disagree :-). That’s why I brought the whole topic up, for anyone who reads it, to reflect upon those points. 😉

Paulinva, you brought up interesting points. I never heard someone give your explanation. I’m still thinking about it! I do think though, that maybe we cannot fit biology and God into a nice and neat box. It is the age old question of divine providence versus free will…Children born out of wedlock- God intended for those children to be. Their creation did not surprise God, and they did have a soul at conception, and the bible does say I knew you before I created you. As I’m thinking about this, I think God has no rules to follow, and biology is his vehicle for creation. It still begs the question of why, how, etc… But that is nothing new! Theology will always have it’s divine mysteries. I think God is responsible for the creation of all life… And that he certainly intends for each life to be. I am not trying to argue, just discuss :-). Tone is difficult to tell over typing. Thanks for your thoughts!
 
Paulinva, you brought up interesting points. I never heard someone give your explanation. I’m still thinking about it! I do think though, that maybe we cannot fit biology and God into a nice and neat box. It is the age old question of divine providence versus free will…Children born out of wedlock- God intended for those children to be. Their creation did not surprise God, and they did have a soul at conception, and the bible does say I knew you before I created you. As I’m thinking about this, I think God has no rules to follow, and biology is his vehicle for creation. It still begs the question of why, how, etc… But that is nothing new! Theology will always have it’s divine mysteries. I think God is responsible for the creation of all life… And that he certainly intends for each life to be. I am not trying to argue, just discuss :-). Tone is difficult to tell over typing. Thanks for your thoughts!
Just something to ponder - if God is not following His rules, how can NFP work?
 
Maryjk, perhaps you feel convicted by what I say, because you are awfully defensive. I am not judging you or anyone. There is nothing judgmental about looking at a situation and pondering it, especially in light of a bigger issue, like the control and contraceptive mentality. I simply brought up points that I think are worthy of other Catholics reflecting upon. It is okay for you to disagree :-). That’s why I brought the whole topic up, for anyone who reads it, to reflect upon those points. 😉
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Um, no. I do not feel convicted. I have nothing to be convicted of. :rolleyes:

(Sorry, but it is funny that when someone pushes back against misinterpretation of Catholic teaching, somehow it turned against them.)

Also, when you use terms like “contraceptive mentality” and NFP together, it tells me that you really don’t understand NFP and how it is used.

Back to the OP,
I would continue to attend Mass with your wife. I wouldn’t cut her off from the Church. She needs it more than ever.
 
Does a couple have just/grave reason to NFP because more than two children will stretch the family budget? Does a couple have just/grave reason to NFP because they want to provide a certain material lifestyle for their family that more children would jeopardize or not allow?
That depends on what you’re talking about. But it’s a strawman argument. If the couple wants to give each of their kids a brand new car when they turn 16, they are not the type of couple who would bother with NFP in the first place.
Does a couple have just/grave reason to NFP because mom wants to give more individual attention to children and more children makes it difficult to do so? Who is mom really thinking of here?
She’s thinking of her children! Of course giving more individual attention to children is a serious reason to use NFP. Do you honestly think it’s better for couples to have more children than they can pay attention to?
I know a young couple that got married and said they were going to NFP for five years until they were financially in a place they wanted to be.
So what? If they say they have a serious reason, they have a serious reason. Maybe they are putting off children because they want the wife to be able to stay home, or they want to send their kids to Catholic school. You know, things the Church encourages couples to do. And maybe they will change their minds before five years. Why are you so concerned about this?

It is NEVER a sin to use NFP. Otherwise, the church would say couples HAVE to have sex when they’re fertile, and the Church never dictates when couples should have sex. Why are you picking on the tiny minority of couples who use NFP instead of the huge majority who use contraception?
 
So many people are being upset by me pointing out the spiritual benefits of leaving our own desires/will out of our families’ planning, and bringing up that if one is not open to life, then NFP is sinful- fact. If you all are convicted about NFP and spiritually content with your own choices, why let one person’s opinion bring you all the duress your posts have shown? My points are reasonable and I’ve simply advised reflection.

As for the question, “Why pick on couples who NFP over the couples who contracept?” Nobody is being picked on. See my above paragraph. Secondly, the saying, “Good is the enemy of best.” comes to mind. God Bless you all! There is nothing wrong with an exchange of ideas. No need to be defensive, fellow Catholics! This is the last I will be responding to this discussion unless something else needs to be said, but for the most part, I think all that can be said has been. Prayers 🙂
 
First off this thread is about a spouse who CONTRACEPTS. And who does so in a way that may kill babies. And the worthiness of someone who does this to receive our Lord in her body unworthily. Further endanger her eternal soul and mocking and committing a sacrilege against God himself physically.

The answer is a unqualified, unexcused, unapologetic NO!
Should she go to Mass. Yes, and after Mass she and Father should educate her soul.

As for the NFP Debate. Could someone please explain to me what just reasons are?
 
So many people are being upset by me pointing out the spiritual benefits of leaving our own desires/will out of our families’ planning, and bringing up that if one is not open to life, then NFP is sinful- fact. If you all are convicted about NFP and spiritually content with your own choices, why let one person’s opinion bring you all the duress your posts have shown? My points are reasonable and I’ve simply advised reflection.

As for the question, “Why pick on couples who NFP over the couples who contracept?” Nobody is being picked on. See my above paragraph. Secondly, the saying, “Good is the enemy of best.” comes to mind. God Bless you all! There is nothing wrong with an exchange of ideas. No need to be defensive, fellow Catholics! This is the last I will be responding to this discussion unless something else needs to be said, but for the most part, I think all that can be said has been. Prayers 🙂
Its hard to tell whether or not they are upset just by reading their words, It is very possible they are as cool and emotionless as I presume you are and are merely trying to correct what they see as misinformation, or to restate it in a way they think is more appropriate. 🤷
While this is slightly off-topic, one point that I do want to make is that the claim you must be open to life while practicing periodic abstinance to avoid conception depends on what you mean by “open to life”. This phrase is not used in official Church teaching and is confusing because different people mean different things by it. If you mean you must always be willing to accept any children you conceive, even when you are hoping to avoid conceiving, then yes, I agree with you, if you mean that every time a couple has marital relations they must complete it in the natural fashion, then, again, I agree with you. If, however, you mean a couple must always desire more children then your statement is incorrect. There is no such Church teaching.
First off this thread is about a spouse who CONTRACEPTS. And who does so in a way that may kill babies. And the worthiness of someone who does this to receive our Lord in her body unworthily. Further endanger her eternal soul and mocking and committing a sacrilege against God himself physically.

The answer is a unqualified, unexcused, unapologetic NO!
Should she go to Mass. Yes, and after Mass she and Father should educate her soul.

As for the NFP Debate. Could someone please explain to me what just reasons are?
There is no list of what constitutes just or unjust reasons. The only examples cited in official Church teaching are things like financial, social, emotional, psychological, or physical health issues. But no specifics are given. Spouses are told to be generous, but to practice responsible parenthood. And the final decision of whether a couple is called to have another child is left entirely in the hands of that couple themselves. There are many people who speak as if only the most serious and life-threatening of reasons can justify avoiding children, and others who speak as if it is impossible to use NFP to avoid for selfish reasons. I see it as somewhere in between the two. But what is certain is that people should not hear those who claim that it must be used only for the gravest of reasons and then come to believe that is what the Church actually teaches. That is a personal opinion and is not binding upon anyone. What is binding is following ones conscience as formed by official Church teaching. That is the only way to determine whether or not one has sufficient reason to avoid children at any given point in time.
 
Its hard to tell whether or not they are upset just by reading their words, It is very possible they are as cool and emotionless as I presume you are and are merely trying to correct what they see as misinformation, or to restate it in a way they think is more appropriate. 🤷
I’m not upset in the least. 🤷

I just will not allow a post to stand when it is claiming to be Church teaching, when in fact, it is not.

Pretty straight forward.
While this is slightly off-topic, one point that I do want to make is that the claim you must be open to life while practicing periodic absinance to avoid conception depends on what you mean by “open to life”. This phrase is not used in official Church teaching and is confusing because different people mean different things by it. If you mean you must always be willing to accept any children you conceive, even when you are hoping to avoid conceiving, then yes, I agree with you, if you mean that every time a couple has marital relations they must complete it in the natural fashion, then, again, I agree with you. If, however, you mean a couple must always desire more children then your statement is incorrect. There is no such Church teaching.
👍

Accept children that are conceived? Yes. Normal, natural marital relations that are open to life? Yes. Actively desiring another child? Nope.
 
There is no list of what constitutes just or unjust reasons. The only examples cited in official Church teaching are things like financial, social, emotional, psychological, or physical health issues. But no specifics are given. Spouses are told to be generous, but to practice responsible parenthood. And the final decision of whether a couple is called to have another child is left entirely in the hands of that couple themselves. There are many people who speak as if only the most serious and life-threatening of reasons can justify avoiding children, and others who speak as if it is impossible to use NFP to avoid for selfish reasons. I see it as somewhere in between the two. But what is certain is that people should not hear those who claim that it must be used only for the gravest of reasons and then come to believe that is what the Church actually teaches. That is a personal opinion and is not binding upon anyone. What is binding is following ones conscience as formed by official Church teaching. That is the only way to determine whether or not one has sufficient reason to avoid children at any given point in time.
I get that it is not “Grave” reasons. Someone earlier said that it is just “just” reasons, as if that meant something trivial. So my question is what do the two words the Church uses in her documents mean “Just Reason” What does that mean. You don’t need to give me a list of reasons just tell me how I know what a “Just reason” is.
 
Accept children that are conceived? Yes. Normal, natural marital relations that are open to life? Yes. Actively desiring another child? Nope.
This is the clearest phrase yet on the subject.

Mary probably did not actively desire to get pregnant at that time. Nor did many of the people of the Bible and throughout history.
 
Give it up to God, only He knows what is truly right. Being raised by the Jesuits, I was told that God wants us to be open to new life, but He is forgiving if a woman, prays and comes to the conclusion she should not have more children for whatever reason. This is where the Church is too far behind the times. It would be completely tragic for this issue to ruin your marriage and the life you have now with your children. Love your wife and your children and focus on all the good in your life. Thank God for what you have and let him deal with your wife in His own way.

There are many who believe Christ would never refuse to give His own body and blood to anyone, especially a sinner. They are who need it the most!
 
So many people are being upset by me pointing out the spiritual benefits of leaving our own desires/will out of our families’ planning, and bringing up that if one is not open to life, then NFP is sinful- fact. If you all are convicted about NFP and spiritually content with your own choices, why let one person’s opinion bring you all the duress your posts have shown? My points are reasonable and I’ve simply advised reflection.

As for the question, “Why pick on couples who NFP over the couples who contracept?” Nobody is being picked on. See my above paragraph. Secondly, the saying, “Good is the enemy of best.” comes to mind. God Bless you all! There is nothing wrong with an exchange of ideas. No need to be defensive, fellow Catholics! This is the last I will be responding to this discussion unless something else needs to be said, but for the most part, I think all that can be said has been. Prayers 🙂
I think the concern of many is that your erroneous interpretation of church teaching is being put out there as fact. From your very first post, when you used and even capitalised the word “grave” (which has a very different meaning to “just” and “serious”), we knew you did not have authentic knowledge of the teaching.

The term “open to life” is somewhat vague language, but it certainly does not mean “exercise no control over family planning” as you seem to suggest. It’s about not altering the sex act, and about lovingly accepting the children that come along.
 
Give it up to God, only He knows what is truly right. Being raised by the Jesuits, I was told that God wants us to be open to new life, but He is forgiving if a woman, prays and comes to the conclusion she should not have more children for whatever reason. This is where the Church is too far behind the times. It would be completely tragic for this issue to ruin your marriage and the life you have now with your children. Love your wife and your children and focus on all the good in your life. Thank God for what you have and let him deal with your wife in His own way.

There are many who believe Christ would never refuse to give His own body and blood to anyone, especially a sinner. They are who need it the most!
Give it up to God, only He knows what is truly right
Does this apply to any sin? How is it that only God knows something and does not communicate what is right to his flock? What kind of God would that be? Is that a good shepherd? Is that a loving God?

Your answer is not what the Church and God himself teaches. It is you, putting your own faulted opinion above God himself and what he has communicated to his Bride. It is wrong, prideful and certainly not based in any sort of Church or Biblical teaching of the Jesuits!
 
Does this apply to any sin? How is it that only God knows something and does not communicate what is right to his flock? What kind of God would that be? Is that a good shepherd? Is that a loving God?

Your answer is not what the Church and God himself teaches. It is you, putting your own faulted opinion above God himself and what he has communicated to his Bride. It is wrong, prideful and certainly not based in any sort of Church or Biblical teaching of the Jesuits!
You yourself know what God teaches, wow. No, you know what the Catholic Church teaches and are closed minded that some interpretations may have been clouded. I did not give my opinion of which you seem to bash so readily, I only stated what some others think. You don’t sound very God like to me, but maybe that is you own faulted opinion of yourself.

My point and what the “Spiritual Exercises” of St Ignatius teaches is to find God in everyone and everything and to look first at what we are thankful for first and be grateful for God’s blessings. For this man it should be that he has a happy, health family that could break up if he does not turn this over to God.
 
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