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By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. "Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action."138 “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of "the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved."139
To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety, or other psychological or social factors that can lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.
Note that second paragraph—masturbation does not simply and solely involve the exercise of physical organs. Like any sexual act, it involves the whole human person. As such, masturbation is no different than any other sexual activity outside the self-giving one-flesh bond of marriage.
Not all motivations for sexual activity outside the marriage covenant are the same. These motivations are, as such, value-neutral. We all have sexual inclinations of one kind or another. But the Church clearly teaches that we also have a will designed by God—a will to make loving or hateful choices.
We all have strong sexual inclinations, many of which cause us profound physical and spiritual pain. These longings are part of us and are wound all around and within our personalities. Like Saint Paul’s immortal lament, we know the good that we should do, but feel as if we cannot refrain from doing a thing that we know is wrong.
In my own battle with a sin that I felt offered no options to me (much like the case in which you find yourself), I was reminded of the moving story of Saint Maria Goretti, a 12-year-old peasant girl who was martyred by a young man trying to rape her (an alienated young man who lived in her household and who himself suffered from an addiction to pornography). She resisted him not to save her own purity—but to keep him from going to hell (her own words, as he himself testified). She received 14 mortal stab wounds from him and spent three days in agony on her deathbed, without medicine or water. And she forgave him. On her deathbed, she said that she wanted to be with him in Paradise.
For the first eight years of his imprisonment, her killer was unrepentant. But then he had a dream in which she came to him and handed him, one-by-one, 14 lilies (the symbol of resurrection and purity). After that, he was a model prisoner and a changed man. Upon serving the 28 years of his sentence and being released, he trekked to the door of Saint Maria’s mother and begged her forgiveness. His testimony about Saint Maria’s conduct during her martyrdom was key to her canonization.
I did not know all these details when I begged Saint Maria Goretti for her intercession. All I could remember was that she successfully resisted her attacker and died a martyr. I had tried everything. All I said to her was, simply, “Santa Maria, you know I am exhausted. You know that I dread that this will be my life forever. But you know the power of forgiveness; through your prayers, I am ready to really believe that Jesus forgives me now and always. What happens, will happen. I may sin again in the next minute. But I know I am forgiven. May Christ do with me what He will.”
That was 5-1/2 years ago. I am amazed to tell you that I have been spared that tendency to sin ever since then. Do I still have the inclinations? Oh, yes. But I am in the charge of one of the handmaids of the Virgin Mary. In the presence of Mary and Santa Maria Goretti, I receive Christ’s Body and Blood—both in Mass and spiritually, every minute of the day. I am sustained. I am, minute-by-minute, being transformed.
Unlike the days I spent enthralled by my inclinations, I am now given gifts of the Holy Spirit: vigilance, a regular prayer life, guarding the gateways of my heart and my senses, and faithful participation in the Sacraments of Penance and Holy Communion. I am being empowered to love Jesus Christ ever more deeply, in ways that I have had no previous conception of. Could I sin tomorrow—or even today? Yes. But that no longer hangs over me like a sword. If I do such a thing, will I have lost something precious? Yes. But Christ pours out even more grace to recover lost things and lost souls.
Yes, we all have powerful sexual longings. Yes, those longings are heartfelt, passionate, and profound. Yes, sometimes we are overcome by the pain—even physical pain—that they cause.
And, yes, we are made to ground those longings in a permanent Union that will fulfill all our longings, all our desires—Union with God.
Be patient with yourself, as God is patient with you. Patience is the physical and spiritual living out of mercy. God calls you to be merciful to yourself and what you are battling in your very body. He does not leave you prone to this struggle to no end. Your suffering in your very body has a redemptive effect for your beloved and so many other souls whom you do not know. Lift up these pains for them.
Having been there, via a particularly pernicious form of masturbation, I judge no one who masturbates. We are working out a mystery in our lives, and God is the only One Who can see us in the properly loving perspective. I surely pray that God has such mercy on you and me! And so teaches the Church, because Christ loves all of us. And, well, WE are the Church.
