I can relate A LOT to this thread. Mini-Me, your relationship with your dh sounds a lot like mine. The advice you’ve gotten from the men here sounds pretty concrete to me. You really do just have to come out and say what you need.
My dh is a very mellow, down to earth, laid back kind of guy. He really lives “Husband’s love your wives like Christ loves the Church”… and the more I realized that, the more I realized I never TOLD him that. For a husband trying to live out his faith in his marriage, a compliment like that will go a long way in letting him know that you really do respect him as the head of the family.
My dh and I have pretty sarcastic senses of humor, and when the romantic stuff rears it’s head, we usually can’t get through it w/o laughing or making some kind of joke about how cheesy we sound. We say “I love you” all the time and we have great conversations, and we both are always cracking each other up. But after 12 yrs of marriage and 3 beautiful children, we do start to take that relationship for granted. I’m very happy following his lead, and he knows that, but I am more the planner, the over-thinker, etc…
My dh is constantly trying to reconcile his nice guy-people pleaser personality with the alpha male personality that society/his job/his extended family expects of him.
For my dh, hearing that he’s a good father is also a huge ego boost. Literally, all it takes is for me to say, “You’re such a good father” and I can see a visible reaction in his eyes or his body language. A very silent, “thanks, I needed that”. Usually, he’ll just give me a kiss, or return the compliment, as undeserving as it may be that day
o). But…true to our relationship, I have to avoid it sounding too much like a Hallmark card, so I’ll throw it out there while he’s laying breathless on the floor from a fierce lightsaber battle. Your son is still young yet, so those moments are yet to come, but when they do, make sure you say something. Even now, if your dh steps in to “rescue” you from a screaming baby or volunteers to change a diaper or make dinner or fold the laundry - anything - make sure you acknowlege it. Keep in mind, men usually DO where we women SAY. Just you noticing
how he’s helping you is] his way of trying to be the support/head of household that you’re wanting.
If you want/need something different or more than what he’s giving, you just have to say it.
I recently just told my dh that I really wanted him to take a more dominant role as the spiritual head of our family. Lead the prayers, give “the look” when the kids are acting up in Mass", etc… Something he would’ve never known I really wanted unless I told him.
You’ve already said you notice how you’re on the pc when he’s watching tv, sort of ignoring him- again, I could’ve written the exact same thing!
That’s us on many nights. You think it just works in your relationship, but most of the time, they’re not going to engage you in conversation. Your dh leaving you alone to be on the pc is again, another way he’s showing you his love for you. But the fact that you had the insight to notice you were doing that tells me you’re already on the right track in changing it.
If you want to be more submissive, ask your dh what’s one thing you could do to be a better wife to him. I recently did just that and all he said was, “wear something cute”…to which I frowned, of course, as if to say, “what? so you don’t think my sweat pants and hair tripled folded up into a scrunchy is hot?”
… but that’s all he gave me…it was up to me to honestly reflect. Knowing that men tend to be more visual…what do I
really look like when he comes home after I’ve spent the day schooling the kids, cleaning the house, sweating, breaking up fights, sweating, doing laudry, having a mud-pie tea party, downing 6 cups of coffee, more sweating… it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me just the way I am. In fact, he would’ve
never said anything had I not directly asked, but I did ask, so he told me. So, even though I thought his request was totally ridiculous,
I did what he wanted…and it had the unintended consequence of making ME feel better about myself! So, before he gets home, I sneak in a shower. If I don’t get it in then, I at least spritz myself w/body spray and grab the shower after dinner. After the kids go to bed, I actually change clothes, release my crrrazy hair from it’s scrunchy, “brush” it, spritz myself again with something I know he likes, and just hang out like we always do. The “something cute” I’m wearing doesn’t
necessarily mean I excavate the cute teddy’s from the back of the closet, in fact, it’s usually just actual GIRL pj’s.
but it’s NOT the grungy sweat pants and over-sized tshirt I’ve been in since before he left for work that morning.
Praise God for the fact that you do have a mellow husband, and in asking him how you can be more submissive to him, that will let him know that you want him to be more dominant.
