Mid Life Crisis + I love you, but am not in love with you

[dannyd4007]

My wife of 16 years is going through a midlife “change”. I am Catholic and she became Catholic when we were married. We have 5 adopted special needs children who have taken all our time and energy, so much so that we (myself especially) have not given anytime to the marriage. She has also taken a lot of emotional abuse from our oldest adopted daughter who is diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

She has been a struggling for a long time and finally in July told me she is going through a midlife crisis and she “love me, but was not in love with me” and will be leaving me soon. Really our marriage was not what it should be. She also mentioned she has checked out of parenting the kids it has been too much.

Since that time I have made her the number one priority in my life. Unfortunately this has only pushed her away even more. She told me she want’s to have a talk about her leaving, kids, finances, etc that we are a team in this and if not she will be making those decision on her own.

After much prayer I have decided when she brings it up I am not going to even discuss it. I am going to tell her as politely as I can that we were I don’t believe it in. I am not entering into this discussion.

Do I need to explain anymore? Should I push her about Counseling even though the more I do things the more she ramps up this idea of leaving. I think because she wants to leave the old husband, not leaving this “new” one. Do I mention the kids at all and the effect on them. She has not fallen away from the Church at all, but it is definitely not a priority.

Most of all just say prayers. I am not sure what is in God’s plan, but please say prayers. I know God knew this needed to happen our marriage could not have gone on the way it had, I just don’t know what his overall plan is and how much pain and suffering I need to go through.

 

[pensmama87]

Even if she won’t go to counseling, you should.

I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like there’s quite a lot on both your shoulders. You and your wife and family will be in my prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

Even if she won’t go to counseling, you should.

Right.

Bear in mind that It may be that what she really wants is to leave the kids, more than she wants to leave the OP.

Can you get some sort of respite care/weekend away? I would sell it more as an opportunity to get away from home responsibilities rather than as a romantic getaway, because she probably badly needs some peace and quiet. You might want to go ahead and book it, make arrangements for childcare, and invite her to come with you.

By the way, are the kids in school?

 

[dannyd4007]

Yes, kids are in school.

Jr in High School
Freshman in High School
8 grader
6 grader
3 grader

4 girls and 1 8th grade boy.

All but the 3 grader has some for of issue going on.

She is taking respites with friends, really trying to remove me out of her life.

Not excited about it, but I know this needs to happen if things are every going to be right.

I am getting counseling and will figure out how I play it that she will be crushing this family if she goes. I have to be extremely careful.

 

[tawny]

Praying for you, your, wife, family & marriage.

 

[Evania]

Bear in mind that It may be that what she really wants is to leave the kids, more than she wants to leave the OP.

It certainly sounds like she is projecting a lot of the problems that she’s having with the kids onto you. I wonder if you found a way to help her tackle this problem; whether by arranging sitters, a housekeeper, or something that may help her deal with what she may look at as hopeless, if it wouldn’t help clear her mind a little.

Keep being as supportive and loving as you can. I’m praying for you!

 

[Mary_Estelle]

This sounds more like “combat fatigue” rather than your wife not loving you. If you have special needs children and your wife is the main care giver-then maybe she does need some time away from the stress and responsibilities. Some R&R would probably be good for the both of you.
Take time to just listen and not to try to figure it all out at present. Continue to go for counseling. Have you considered a “vacation” or date nights" Take the kids for a day once a week and let your wife have a complete day off? Lots to think about here and no one has a clear-cut answer-I know I don’t. I will pray for you.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Sorry for what you are going through, couple of books which may help:

Anne Sheffield, “Depression Fallout” Chapter 7 “I love you, I love you not” addresses the I love you but I am not in love with you. Ask, but don’t try and push her to read it, read it yourself. Both myself and my wife reading this got us through a major depressive episode and kept the marriage together for 5 years until another major depressive episode.

Peter Kramer, M.D. “Should You Leave?” (more for understanding her perspective; author sees female mid-life depression as a major driver to divorce)

her website: depressionfallout.org/

If you’re in a no-fault state this may happen with you or without you. Mediators are cheaper than lawyers, and far less adversarial. That is, the mediator’s job is in both of you coming to mutual agreement. Lawyers job is to get the ‘best deal’ for their client, and while they may be good folks they may not include the welfare/interests of the children as a factor in defining a good deal. The less adversarial you are in negotiating the better chance you can work together for the kids in the long run. The less chance you’ll get angry and spiteful towards each other, IMHO.

Went through something similar, you can search for my screen name for threads where I’ve shared some of what occurred and approach to handling it.

All the above being said, give it your best shot. You know her better than anyone, use that knowledge to separate words from actions and figure your best way forward. I’ll be praying for you.

 

[Xantippe]

Sorry for what you are going through, couple of books which may help:

Anne Sheffield, “Depression Fallout” Chapter 7 “I love you, I love you not” addresses the I love you but I am not in love with you. Ask, but don’t try and push her to read it, read it yourself. Both myself and my wife reading this got us through a major depressive episode and kept the marriage together for 5 years until another major depressive episode.

Peter Kramer, M.D. “Should You Leave?” (more for understanding her perspective; author sees female mid-life depression as a major driver to divorce)

her website: depressionfallout.org/

If you’re in a no-fault state this may happen with you or without you. Mediators are cheaper than lawyers, and far less adversarial. That is, the mediator’s job is in both of you coming to mutual agreement. Lawyers job is to get the ‘best deal’ for their client, and while they may be good folks they may not include the welfare/interests of the children as a factor in defining a good deal. The less adversarial you are in negotiating the better chance you can work together for the kids in the long run. The less chance you’ll get angry and spiteful towards each other, IMHO.

Went through something similar, you can search for my screen name for threads where I’ve shared some of what occurred and approach to handling it.

All the above being said, give it your best shot. You know her better than anyone, use that knowledge to separate words from actions and figure your best way forward. I’ll be praying for you.

Given the number and difficulty of the children involved, I have my doubts that either of these parents could successfully take care of these kids as a single parent.

 

[Xantippe]

This sounds more like “combat fatigue” rather than your wife not loving you.

Yeah.

Back when I had a 2-year-old and an infant and then a 3-year-old and an infant, there were times where I felt absolutely nothing, either toward my husband or toward the kids, and I felt the same way about God. (I didn’t realize it at the time, but our oldest is autistic, which undoubtedly contributed to the situation.)

I eventually felt better (this particular thing may have been postpartum depression, combined with the stress of dealing with an undiagnosed special needs child and an infant) and was able to regain normal feelings, but there is such a thing as a state of such emotional depletion that there seems to be nothing left over for other people.

I almost wonder if the OP’s wife isn’t suffering from depression or if she doesn’t have some sort of undiagnosed medical condition. It’s very likely that her health has been neglected over the last few years with all this running around putting out fires.

(It’s really good they’re all in school.)

 

[KnitNut]

snip…so that we (myself especially) have not given anytime to the marriage. She has also taken a lot of emotional abuse…snip

Since that time I have made her the number one priority in my life. Unfortunately this has only pushed her away even more. snip

After much prayer I have decided when she brings it up I am not going to even discuss it. I am going to tell her as politely as I can that we were I don’t believe it in. I am not entering into this discussion.

snip…how much pain and suffering I need to go through.

I can see where she’s coming from. She has been struggling for “a long time”, in your words. It was only in July (3 months ago) that she finally drew the line in the sand and got your attention enough so you’ve changed things…there’s no way that 3 months is going to erase what was admittedly a long period of neglect of the marriage, plus I’d wager her bearing the brunt of the childcare. Why would she expect that you’re going to keep up lasting changes after such a short time. (And honestly, if this cycle has happened in the past, she probably sees it as manipulation to try to “talk her out of it” so that things can go back to the unacceptable-to-her way things were.)

If you’re serious about this, I encourage you to get to individual counseling yourself. I think your strategy of ignoring her concerns, as proposed above, is going to absolutely blow up in your face, demonstrating that you, yet again, aren’t giving her the respect she deserves as a wife and co-parent, not taking her seriously. If you start demonstrating serious steps to address her concerns, she is more likely to give you consideration in return. Drop the “how much pain and suffering do I have to go through” (or the “this family is suffering because of you, wife”) angle…bring that to your counselor, and to your priest, not her. She has been pushed to the brink for a long time, it seems…so trying to put any more guilt/shame on her is just absolutely the wrong way to handle this. (See also, blaming the victim.)

Perhaps you can encourage her to meet with a doctor, or counselor for herself (not with an ulterior motive, just because you care about her and want her to feel healthy and happy, with or without you). I think she would really benefit from that kind of individual support. She also needs time for her. Time to read a book and enjoy coffee without 5 kids clamoring for her, time to go for a walk and clear her head. This should be a priority. A caregiver support group is another good option.

Since you have a tangled situation with the kids, perhaps the better first line of attack there would be to have the family support person (I am sure between the adoption agencies, support groups, children’s providers, there MUST be some sort of social worker liaison, or psychologists for the family) work with you both to come up with a way to deal with the kids as highly-functioning co-parents. She may see you in a better light if you are parenting more effectively.

As far as marriage counseling, I think until you can get a) her feeling better via her own counseling/doctor and a reasonable schedule with downtime for herself, and then b) get the co-parenting running more smoothly so she gets downtime and support in her parenting, and then c) get yourself functioning better as a father and husband via counseling for yourself…until you get a grip on these things, I suspect marriage counseling will just be seen by her as another way to try to control/manipulate her (and reinforce her “failing” as a wife and mother). Actions are going to speak louder than words with her, so be sure you’re “doing”, and not just “telling her”. Do you know her so-called “love language(s)”? That might be a way for you to start.

Don’t give up…but do get help. For her, and for yourself. Don’t wait.

 

[Xantippe]

If you’re serious about this, I encourage you to get to individual counseling yourself. I think your strategy of ignoring her concerns, as proposed above, is going to absolutely blow up in your face, demonstrating that you, yet again, aren’t giving her the respect she deserves as a wife and co-parent, not taking her seriously. If you start demonstrating serious steps to address her concerns, she is more likely to give you consideration in return. Drop the “how much pain and suffering do I have to go through” (or the “this family is suffering because of you, wife”) angle…bring that to your counselor, and to your priest, not her. She has been pushed to the brink for a long time, it seems…so trying to put any more guilt/shame on her is just absolutely the wrong way to handle this. (See also, blaming the victim.)

Perhaps you can encourage her to meet with a doctor, or counselor for herself (not with an ulterior motive, just because you care about her and want her to feel healthy and happy, with or without you). I think she would really benefit from that kind of individual support. She also needs time for her. Time to read a book and enjoy coffee without 5 kids clamoring for her, time to go for a walk and clear her head. This should be a priority. A caregiver support group is another good option.

Since you have a tangled situation with the kids, perhaps the better first line of attack there would be to have the family support person (I am sure between the adoption agencies, support groups, children’s providers, there MUST be some sort of social worker liaison, or psychologists for the family) work with you both to come up with a way to deal with the kids as highly-functioning co-parents. She may see you in a better light if you are parenting more effectively.

As far as marriage counseling, I think until you can get a) her feeling better via her own counseling/doctor and a reasonable schedule with downtime for herself, and then b) get the co-parenting running more smoothly so she gets downtime and support in her parenting, and then c) get yourself functioning better as a father and husband via counseling for yourself…until you get a grip on these things, I suspect marriage counseling will just be seen by her as another way to try to control/manipulate her (and reinforce her “failing” as a wife and mother). Actions are going to speak louder than words with her, so be sure you’re “doing”, and not just “telling her”. Do you know her so-called “love language(s)”? That might be a way for you to start.

Don’t give up…but do get help. For her, and for yourself. Don’t wait.

Right.

 

[1ke]

Adopting 5 special needs children is a special calling. What drew her to that vocation?

 

[1990Domer]

I would have to agree with all the other posters. I only have one child–grim initial autism diagnosis–that demanded a lot of time and therapy from me. So many people suggested that me and DH get away for a weekend. Problem was that we had nobody who could handle DS and his needs. We still don’t. My parents come closest to being able to pull it off, but they are too elderly to keep up with a 13 year old.

DS has made progress nobody expected (we were told to prepare funds to support him for the rest of his life), but the therapy completely drained me. I am pretty burnt out from having to deal with bullying issues from his 6th grade year. Now he is cyber schooled. There are a whole different bunch of demands on me now, especially because DH lost his job in 2013 and now has a 65 mile one way commute versus the 6 mile he used to have.

My only question…were all the kids from one family? Were you and DW counceled as to the immense burden you were taking on? Granted, it is a true act of love and you will receive abundant graces, but that is quite an undertaking without a solid support system.

Please be assured of my prayers. This must be a terribly difficult situation. God bless.

 

[Xantippe]

Another issue that comes to mind is that a family with so many tween and teen daughters may be quite difficult for a mother to manage emotionally. There can be a very important role for a dad to operate as a buffer between the womenfolk in the family. (My dad did that for my mom and me and my husbands needs to do the same for me and my daughter, who is on the autism spectrum.)

Have you been performing that “buffer” role? Or have your daughters been beating up on your wife emotionally? (It sounds like as if at least one of them has.)

I can imagine that if one or more daughter is being abusive to your wife and you haven’t been protecting your wife, your wife might understandably be very resentful.

You might want to ask your wife if that is the case. (Perhaps after clearing it with a counselor.)

Best wishes!

 

[Bookcat]

Read “the Jewelers Shop” by Saint John Paul II…and perhaps leave it around for her to read if you think it will help her. And seek out help from Catholic sources…Priests, Counselors…

ignatius.com/Products/JSH-H/the-jewelers-shop.aspx

So many confuse love with only that which moves the emotions…things that they give you in movies etc.

And Pray to him.

 

[mommy_k]

Read “the Jewelers Shop” by Saint John Paul II…and perhaps leave it around for her to read if you think it will help her. And seek out help from Catholic sources…Priests, Counselors…

ignatius.com/Products/JSH-H/the-jewelers-shop.aspx

So many confuse love with only that which moves the emotions…things that they give you in movies etc.

And Pray to him.

Bookcat is right.
Parents of even larger familes, or more difficult parenting challenges do not seek divorce. If it was only the parenting aspect-logically your wife would need your presence more - not less. It is not the children’s special needs or the children. It is how as a couple you meet their needs while staying connected to each other.

She may be confused with how a deeper lasting love looks in a relationship verses a new romantic love-one of a newlywed perhaps. So please get the book and read it and give it to her.

 

[Xantippe]

Bookcat is right.
Parents of even larger familes, or more difficult parenting challenges do not seek divorce. If it was only the parenting aspect-logically your wife would need your presence more - not less. It is not the children’s special needs or the children. It is how as a couple you meet their needs while staying connected to each other.

She may be confused with how a deeper lasting love looks in a relationship verses a new romantic love-one of a newlywed perhaps. So please get the book and read it and give it to her.

From time to time, parents of larger families do divorce. It does happen. (I’ve known of divorce to happen with at least two families with 7 children in my social/family circle.) Also, the Protestant quiverfull families not infrequently end in divorce.

As for special needs parents of even more difficult children, they not infrequently divorce. It’s also unfortunately not that rare for parents of autistic tween/teen children to kill them or do a murder/suicide.

So, I think I’d steer of the “everybody else is doing just fine, suck it up soldier” argument. I’d go more for “this is really hard and we need each other.”

 

[Deltadeliquent]

I can see where she’s coming from. She has been struggling for “a long time”, in your words. It was only in July (3 months ago) that she finally drew the line in the sand and got your attention enough so you’ve changed things…there’s no way that 3 months is going to erase what was admittedly a long period of neglect of the marriage, plus I’d wager her bearing the brunt of the childcare. Why would she expect that you’re going to keep up lasting changes after such a short time. (And honestly, if this cycle has happened in the past, she probably sees it as manipulation to try to “talk her out of it” so that things can go back to the unacceptable-to-her way things were.)

If you’re serious about this, I encourage you to get to individual counseling yourself. I think your strategy of ignoring her concerns, as proposed above, is going to absolutely blow up in your face, demonstrating that you, yet again, aren’t giving her the respect she deserves as a wife and co-parent, not taking her seriously. If you start demonstrating serious steps to address her concerns, she is more likely to give you consideration in return. Drop the “how much pain and suffering do I have to go through” (or the “this family is suffering because of you, wife”) angle…bring that to your counselor, and to your priest, not her. She has been pushed to the brink for a long time, it seems…so trying to put any more guilt/shame on her is just absolutely the wrong way to handle this. (See also, blaming the victim.)

Perhaps you can encourage her to meet with a doctor, or counselor for herself (not with an ulterior motive, just because you care about her and want her to feel healthy and happy, with or without you). I think she would really benefit from that kind of individual support. She also needs time for her. Time to read a book and enjoy coffee without 5 kids clamoring for her, time to go for a walk and clear her head. This should be a priority. A caregiver support group is another good option.

Since you have a tangled situation with the kids, perhaps the better first line of attack there would be to have the family support person (I am sure between the adoption agencies, support groups, children’s providers, there MUST be some sort of social worker liaison, or psychologists for the family) work with you both to come up with a way to deal with the kids as highly-functioning co-parents. She may see you in a better light if you are parenting more effectively.

As far as marriage counseling, I think until you can get a) her feeling better via her own counseling/doctor and a reasonable schedule with downtime for herself, and then b) get the co-parenting running more smoothly so she gets downtime and support in her parenting, and then c) get yourself functioning better as a father and husband via counseling for yourself…until you get a grip on these things, I suspect marriage counseling will just be seen by her as another way to try to control/manipulate her (and reinforce her “failing” as a wife and mother). Actions are going to speak louder than words with her, so be sure you’re “doing”, and not just “telling her”. Do you know her so-called “love language(s)”? That might be a way for you to start.

Don’t give up…but do get help. For her, and for yourself. Don’t wait.

This.
Lots of men seem to believe that if you aren’t talking out a problem exactly right this very second…it doesn’t exist. Don’t invalidate her by ignoring her problems. Or your role in them.

Step up to the plate and be a good husband and help her. Don’t just stick your fingers in your ears and sing. Listen, and act!

 

[Xantippe]

One reason to avoid the “lots of people have it harder and do just FINE” argument is that it invites the wife to reply, “If it’s so easy, you do it by yourself!” and then stomp off forever, leaving the OP with five very troubled children.

The OP should see a counselor himself partly in order to have a chance to figure out the language to use with his wife. Also, just going to a counselor (even by himself) communicates without words that he cares about making things better and he isn’t sticking his head in the sand.

(Edited for completeness.)