Mid Life Crisis + I love you, but am not in love with you

[dannyd4007]

Thank you all for weighing in. In the same way of bringing up finances how do I bring up faith, my faith not her’s as everyone is different in their faith no matter if they are the same religion or not.

I don’t want her to feel guilty as that has gone on long enough. In fact as I think back about it that has been the real issue. We have one daughter who has been hard on her, very hard. Has taken all her abandonment issues out on my wife. I in turn have made her feel guilty at times, because I have been more in the belief of fixing the kids and not thinking of her. I have always believed these are kids of Trauma and have always believed they are doing things because of their past. With 5 of them it has been extremely hard to also give my wife the support she needs. It has been Extremely Hard.

God Bless everyone!

 

[styrgwillidar]

Right.

I think what’s partly going on is a flight from adult responsibilities, agree

and part of that is not seriously thinking about what her choices imply and perhaps a childish belief that she can have all the things–the kids when she wants them, no kids when she doesn’t want them, husband’s help when she wants him, no husband when she doesn’t want him, her current standard of living plus an apartment on exactly the same income, etc.

**Oh, she may be very seriously thinking this through. And knowing/understanding her husband and what he will be willing to do/extend himself for the kids, may be making some very carefully considered decisions based on her knowledge of his likely responses.

For example, if he has full custody; will he in fact allow her that kind of access in the interests of the kids? If she makes her home a place the kids feel unwanted and an inconvenience, will he support/do what he can to enable their relationship with her at his inconvenience?**

I think it’s fair to ask, “How is this going to work, honey?”

 

[Xantippe]

strygwillidar,

The OP said his wife was weirded out by his efforts, though, even though she’d told him that she was checked out, parenting-wise. So she’s not necessarily verbally telling him to do stuff–it’s more that he is picking up slack.

I’d hesitate to use the word “thinking” for what she’s doing.

 

[styrgwillidar]

strygwillidar,

The OP said his wife was weirded out by his efforts, though, even though she’d told him that she was checked out, parenting-wise. So she’s not necessarily verbally telling him to do stuff–it’s more that he is picking up slack.

I’d hesitate to use the word “thinking” for what she’s doing.

There are many parallels between his situation and mine. Forgive, or try and account for perhaps injecting too much of that experience here-

Let’s assume the woman is neither an idiot nor a fool. The fact that the OP wants to keep his marriage together, acknowledges she’s worth working and changing for would be an argument to that being true.

Based on her not being an idiot, I’ll assume she’s well aware of how difficult raising 5 special needs children will be by separated parents since she has hands on experience actually doing it. If she’s not an idiot she’s also generally aware of the family income, the cost of things, and how they’re doing. Even if she doesn’t know the specifics, she is well aware this will come with a change in lifestyle and lower standard of living. She’s the one asking to go over financing.

She’s already stated the notion of only having the kids every other weekend (that may change back and forth), she seems to believe that her husband will not be demanding they do 50/50 custody but will acquiesce. Why? Is she assuming he won’t be viewing this from an - we each need to cover/pull our fair share, but as an 'I need to do whatever necessary for my kids? She knows him better than us and his likely courses of action.

No idea. I don’t know him. I don’t know her. But if there are logical outcomes/consequences to actions, and the person isn’t an idiot, then it very may well be the outcomes/consequences are acceptable— or may even be the goal. From that person’s perspective no matter how negative or awful they might seem to be to someone else. Instead of thinking – don’t they realize that XXXX will happen; why do they want XXXX to happen? … and if worse comes to worse, what are they willing to give up to make it happen and how can I use that in the best interests of those I am responsible for?

 

[Xantippe]

I think there is such a thing as being temporarily an idiot or temporarily crazy.

Also, it sounds like the OP’s wife has not been involved in their finances. It’s common for the uninvolved spouse (whether husband or wife) to have very childish notions of the family finances. Do not underestimate how naive the uninvolved spouse can be about money! I used to be an uninvolved spouse, and I once believed that my family could afford $10k a year preschool or a $400k house (we used to live in the DC area where such things are normal). To the involved spouse, that looks like madness, but to the uninvolved spouse, it’s mean mommy wife or daddy husband standing between them and their heart’s desire (be it motorcycle, boat, new car, fun vacation, or whatever).

There are many parallels between his situation and mine. Forgive, or try and account for perhaps injecting too much of that experience here-

Let’s assume the woman is neither an idiot nor a fool. The fact that the OP wants to keep his marriage together, acknowledges she’s worth working and changing for would be an argument to that being true.

Based on her not being an idiot, I’ll assume she’s well aware of how difficult raising 5 special needs children will be by separated parents since she has hands on experience actually doing it. If she’s not an idiot she’s also generally aware of the family income, the cost of things, and how they’re doing. Even if she doesn’t know the specifics, she is well aware this will come with a change in lifestyle and lower standard of living. She’s the one asking to go over financing.

She’s already stated the notion of only having the kids every other weekend (that may change back and forth), she seems to believe that her husband will not be demanding they do 50/50 custody but will acquiesce. Why? Is she assuming he won’t be viewing this from an - we each need to cover/pull our fair share, but as an 'I need to do whatever necessary for my kids? She knows him better than us and his likely courses of action.

No idea. I don’t know him. I don’t know her. But if there are logical outcomes/consequences to actions, and the person isn’t an idiot, then it very may well be the outcomes/consequences are acceptable— or may even be the goal. From that person’s perspective no matter how negative or awful they might seem to be to someone else. Instead of thinking – don’t they realize that XXXX will happen; why do they want XXXX to happen? … and if worse comes to worse, what are they willing to give up to make it happen and how can I use that in the best interests of those I am responsible for?

 

[styrgwillidar]

I think there is such a thing as being temporarily an idiot or temporarily crazy.

Also, it sounds like the OP’s wife has not been involved in their finances. It’s common for the uninvolved spouse (whether husband or wife) to have very childish notions of the family finances. Do not underestimate how naive the uninvolved spouse can be about money! I used to be an uninvolved spouse, and I once believed that my family could afford $10k a year preschool or a $400k house (we used to live in the DC area where such things are normal). To the involved spouse, that looks like madness, but to the uninvolved spouse, it’s mean mommy wife or daddy husband standing between them and their heart’s desire (be it motorcycle, boat, new car, fun vacation, or whatever).

Xantippe,

You could certainly be correct. My challenge is that my view is so heavily skewed by personal experience, the danger of seeing more similarities than perhaps exist. But craziness is a matter of perspective, I think wanting to distance oneself emotionally and physically from one’s kids and ‘play at being a Mom’, as a therapist put it, is crazy but it was a goal.

 

[dannyd4007]

She basically came back with a no contest divorce,

or haggle it out with expensive lawyers.

No-contest route:
She gets youngest children living with her and I get oldest least adjusted children living with me. She feels for some reason older children are a bad influence on younger children.

She is also trying desperately to make her life financially feasible.
I gave her budget, but she did not look at it really, said she would but I would not keep her in the relationship due to finances.
No matter what this is going to be hard for both of us financially. Which is something I can live with.

Story hasn’t changed her story, most the kids are failure and I didn’t support her enough nor really is she in love with me. I told her I she could have a new life here at home basically striving and not surviving out on her own. She told me I was a martyr and basically doesn’t want to be martyr.

She did listen to what I had to say and I think it really bothered her that I was not so eager to agree.

Thoughts and prayers and prayers are needed.

 

[heidi_storage]

She basically came back with a no contest divorce,

or haggle it out with expensive lawyers.

No-contest route:
She gets youngest children living with her and I get oldest least adjusted children living with me. She feels for some reason older children are a bad influence on younger children.

She is also trying desperately to make her life financially feasible.
I gave her budget, but she did not look at it really, said she would but I would not keep her in the relationship due to finances.
No matter what this is going to be hard for both of us financially. Which is something I can live with.

Story hasn’t changed her story, most the kids are failure and I didn’t support her enough nor really is she in love with me. I told her I she could have a new life here at home basically striving and not surviving out on her own. She told me I was a martyr and basically doesn’t want to be martyr.

She did listen to what I had to say and I think it really bothered her that I was not so eager to agree.

Thoughts and prayers and prayers are needed./QUOTE

I’m sorry. I would lawyer up. She is not going to treat you well in this process.