MIL Problems!!!!

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Hi everyone. I’m hoping someone wiser can help me out. My mother-in-law is a bit of a control freak. I am an independent woman. Therein lies the first problem. I found out last night from my husband that my MIL has flown off the handle about me and it’s very upsetting!

Here are some example of what has happened:
When my husband bought my wedding diamond she was furious because he didn’t discuss it with her.

When I found my dress, she was angry that she wasn’t involved. (I am not much of a shopper. Stopped in a shop, maybe spent 1/2 hour and picked out a dress.)

She gave us a China cabinet a few years ago. When we moved into our new house last year, she had my son and her husband move it to a different room b/c she didn’t like where I had it (of couse, she didn’t include me in this).

She is big on Christmas gifts (my family just does all of the kids). I have begged people not to get me clothes (I am really hard to fit). My sisters-in-law are 10 yrs younger and love hip clothes. My MIL bought us all of the same/similar outfits. I can’t wear revealing/tight clothes - I’m a TEACHER and actually have a behind where my sisters-in-law are a size 0 and a size 2. I just hear that she if furious that I say not to get clothes and clothes are what SHE likes to shop for. I actually rather nothing than for her to waste her money.

She is trying to push some Arbonne (or whatever) products on me b/c I don’t do a lot of girly things like that. I had just put chapstick on and she insisted that I pile on some of her Arbonne chapstick. I kindly declined and she insisted. It tasted weird, so I wiped it off and let her know it wasn’t for me. She got furious and said it was because I didn’t like her.

My husband’s aunt (his father’s sister, not my MIL’s sister)confided in me about some health issues but did not tell the rest of the family until she was out of surgery. When my hubby let this slip out this (I would have gone to my grave in confidence), my MIL was furious that she told me.

She is worse to my sisters-in-law. I put my foot down a lot and stand my ground, where she is able to control things in their lives a bit more. For instance, while my SIL was at work, she bought and installed blinds into my SIL’s new home without ever asking her what she liked. My SIL was so upset b/c she would never have picked them out, but never said anything.

I don’t want to upset my MIL, but on the other hand, I cannot figure out how to please her unless I just go with what she wants. She likes to throw $$$$ at people and wants them to kiss her behind for it (she gave my hubby a blank check to buy a household item yesterday), but I rather get nothing and keep the waters calm!!!

We offered for her and my FIL to stay with us for a week. My FIL stayed a few months before and it was wonderful!!! I had to find out from my SIL that my MIL was ready to leave because she did not like having to sleep in a Queen-sized bed (she has her own King and my FIL sleeps in another room usually b/c of his snoring).

Please help! I think it will only get worse once our first child is born. My husband did his best to smooth things over (he’s not as much of a push-over as his brothers), but if she’s complaining about things from last year, then I’m in big trouble!

 

[1ke]

(1) Most of this is your DH’s issue, not yours. He needs to stand up to his mother and tell her to butt out of your lives.

(2) In instances where she tries to directly control you, just keep doing what you are doing-- tell her no. You are going to have to stop your “guilt” feelings b/c you don’t have anything to be “guilty” about. Only you can do this.

(3) With the Christmas present thing, just donate what she gives you to Goodwill or St. Vincent De Paul. Don’t fuss. Remember, a gift is a gift. Just accept it graciously and then give it away if you don’t like it. Remember, once a gift is given then it’s yours to do with as you please.

(4) Regarding changes in your home. Absolutely NOT. Make sure you are firm. Why your MIL has access to your SIL’s homes when they are not home is beyond me. Don’t allow her to have a key and don’t allow her to have access.

(5) And, for heaven’s sake don’t let them stay in your house! If they come to visit, a motel is their option.

Honestly, most of this is up to your DH to battle. It should be him that confronts his mother. Not you.

There are some books out there, there’s one by Greg Popcak, I think it’s called “These People Are Driving Me Crazy” or something like that. And, there is a book called Toxic Inlaws. Another one is “Going Home Grown Up”.

Get these books and read them together. You and DH have to present a united front.

 

[allhers]

She sounds like one of those control freaks, no matter what you say or do you will be wrong in her eyes and mind and opinion, and she will delight in telling everyone just how she sees it.
I liked all of the previous posters advice. (Ike’s)
Some people, have to be stood up to, over and over before they get it. Don’t ever let her anger you, just stay calm and keep doing things your way, eventually, and it may takes years, depending on how involved in your life she is and how close she lives to you.
When you said you let them stay for a week, I was hopeful for you, perhaps you don’t see them often? Thats a blessing to be thankful for.
Just pray for her, it’s probably going to be a lot more effective than talking to her is. Whenever you have to encounter her in person, ask your Guardian Angel to speak with her’s.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Thank you so much. These are all helpful tips. I honestly don’t want to be the cause of any family friction, but I’m not doing a very good job at it.

On this:

(3) With the Christmas present thing, just donate what she gives you to Goodwill or St. Vincent De Paul. Don’t fuss. Remember, a gift is a gift. Just accept it graciously and then give it away if you don’t like it. Remember, once a gift is given then it’s yours to do with as you please.

I have definitely tried it in the past, but then she pesters to see you actually wear the clothes out to functions, etc… she wants to SEE the clothes on you, etc… Honestly, some have looked so hideous on me that I wouldn’t let my own husband see them. That’s why (when she asked for a list last time) I said anything BUT clothes. Thought that would help avoid the situation, but I guess not

The problem is that she goes through her sons. The blinds in my SIL’s house happened because my BIL let her in and let her pick them out. HE should have stopped her.

I will say, my hubby does a pretty good job He stands up to her 100 times more than the other sons, but it’s a constant battle and makes it worse for him. He said not to worry over it and that it’s her problem if she feels this way. It’s just a terribly uncomfortable situation now

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

depending on how involved in your life she is and how close she lives to you.
When you said you let them stay for a week, I was hopeful for you, perhaps you don’t see them often? Thats a blessing to be thankful for.
Just pray for her, it’s probably going to be a lot more effective than talking to her is. Whenever you have to encounter her in person, ask your Guardian Angel to speak with her’s.

Unfortunately, they just retired and moved within 10 minutes away (they used to live in another state). The day they arrived, I had just come from the hospital where I had needed to have my lip stitched. I was eating through straws and she complained the next day that I had yet to move the plants she gave me (ones she no longer wanted and I had put in the yard to water) onto my back porch. That was NOT my priority. After I didn’t respond accordingly, I saw her pestering my hubby. He didn’t move them either, so that’s good

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

She gave us a China cabinet a few years ago. When we moved into our new house last year, she had **my son **and her husband move it to a different room b/c she didn’t like where I had it (of couse, she didn’t include me in this).

Whoops! I meant **HER son **(my husband)

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You are going to be a mother. That will give you insight into the woman who raised your husband. You spend all your life being a mother and being completely responsible for the health and safety of children/teenagers, and then one day because the calendar turns or they get a piece of paper from a college, you are told your job is over. All that love and guidance and experience and emotion and zeal for the people who matter most in your life, and no outlet. And the world picks at you and labels you a “control freak.” That’s gotta be rough. Wait and see what kind of control freak motherhood turns you into. Then you will lob labels around with less abandon.

See? It’s all about how you choose to view people. Label her an “enthusiastic, generous, and involved mother” and see if that doesn’t change things.

She is a control freak, and you are “independent.” Her bad, you good. Got it. How about, “She is learning how to be a MIL and she doesn’t have a playbook. She will make mistakes” You both have to negotiate this together. Your “independence” may be her “standoffish, cold, uncaring.” It’s all about labels. And you can fix that.

Because your problem isn’t really with her. She could become your greatest ally if she perceived you as someone who respected her. Which you don’t. And she may be many things, but she’s not an idiot.

Your problem is with your husband. He’s a grown man who seems to have boundary problems. There are ways of setting those up without demeaning the very people who used to be your boundary between life and death. Just from what you said, he had difficulty proposing to you without letting her know her (name removed by moderator)ut wasn’t completely necessary. There are ways to handle it with gentleness and humor. “Mom, I can pick out a ring without your help. Here’s a newsflash: We’ll also conceive your grandchildren without your help too.!”

By your account, he “let slip” that his aunt confided in you. What is he? Three? No, he didn’t do that on accident. He informed her in a childish power play that YOU were confided in. Then he left you swinging and getting all of mommy’s wrath. Pure passive aggression. Don’t let him get away with that, because someday YOU will be the target of this. Put whatever veil on that little incident you like, but I don’t have to be there to know that wasn’t completely accidental that he revealed YOUR secret.

Your mother can’t move your furniture around herself. HE allowed her to decorate YOUR house and didn’t stop her. Make him move YOUR furniture where YOU want it. Instead, HE let her boss him around in YOUR house. And now you’re blaming HER.

Sounds like all her sons have boundary issues. What she does to your sisters in law isn’t your business. You can’t control their lack of boundaries or the fact that your MIL has keys to their houses. This issue isn’t about your MIL. It’s about your interaction with your spouse and whether HE sets the tone, or just leaves you to deal with it while he smooths things over the mess he has helped create.

She likes to throw $$$$ at people and wants them to kiss her behind for it

Or maybe, she’s a generous woman and wants a little gratitude instead of people taking her money and badmouthing her in return.

See? That one can be looked at both ways.

And it’s time for you to interpret all her actions in the more charitable light because she’s going to be your MIL for a long time and this will spin out of control if you don’t take control of this relationship.

Try to deal with her as if she is a nice person and you think she’s nice. If you are allergic to makeup or something, tell her. If you don’t like her taste in clothes, find something that you appreciate her taste in, and say, "Gosh, MIL, I love your collection of Lladros! (or whatever) I’d love to collect some too! Could you help me get started on that? Funnel that generosity NOW or you will be inundated with clothing for your child that you despise.

Maybe she’s really trying and apparently having no daughters, is using you and your SILs as an outlet for all sorts of pent-up desire to buy girl presents. (Like wishing she could help pick out a bridal gown because she has no daughters? Which is the impression I have.) Give her the credit or call her bluff. Find a catalog from a store you like to shop at, give her a list of your sizes, and tell her this is the stuff you find fits you and your teacher image. Then at least she has a clue where to begin.

Do the same with children’s clothes/toys. Channel her generosity in directions you like. And be grateful for her efforts. Deal with her without labels.

And have an honest talk with your husband about boundaries, his own letting his mother control him and leaving you to stare at her gift in a place you don’t want it and fume all the time. And his own inserting you in his unfinished business with his mother.

Sounds like maybe he picked out either a: Someone as strong as mommy, who reminded him of mommy and will tell him what to do like mommy. or b: A tool to separate himself from mommy and poke mommy in the eye.

Unless his behavior shows that HE is willing to act as a grown up and set some boundaries with his mother finally, you will have her in the delivery room with you and she will be the person you blame for future marital problems. Instead of where the blame belongs. She’s not that powerful unless you all give her that power. You are not the complete victim here. This has gone on because you have delayed sitting down and having a very important but very calm discussion with your husband and letting him know that his job is not to act like a referee between you and his mother while he throws fuel on the fire, first annoying one and then annoying the other and throwing them together to fight it out.

It’s going to take a few years for you all to settle into your new life roles. It’s time to make sure now that the roles you are in fit. Or it’s going to be a LOOONNNNG difficult journey.

Good luck. Take control, but do it charitably. What comes round goes round. And someday you may be the mother of the son dealing with his choice of a wife and mother of your grandchildren.

Good luck. Because your children and their ability to have healthy family relationships depend upon your solving this problem soon. The example of disrespect and resentment they see growing up will affect their own future relationships.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

She could become your greatest ally if she perceived you as someone who respected her. Which you don’t.

Your mother can’t move your furniture around herself. HE allowed her to decorate YOUR house and didn’t stop her. Make him move YOUR furniture where YOU want it. Instead, HE let her boss him around in YOUR house. And now you’re blaming HER.

Take control, but do it charitably.

I thank you for your insight and that’s why I posted. I must say that if I had no respect for her, I wouldn’t give a da*n, but I do care about how this is going and even how she feels. I am obviously emotionally charged as it bothers me quite a bit and am explaining how I feel about the situation.

Every since my husband and I started dating, we have not seen eye-to-eye on things and I am doing what I can to avoid conflict (and am asking for insight from others to help me see what I can’t). For example, she cornered us one evening to inform us that we needed to hurry up and provide her with grandchildren not just before we were married, but we were not even engaged (she is not Catholic and did not feel that my faith was to be an issue with her want for grandchildren). I obviously stuck to my guns and faith.

I agree that many of the problems are with her pushing my husband and my husband not setting boundaries. It is a difficult situation, though it turns quite ugly when he does attempt to set boundaries. On the other hand, it’s not just him - she sometimes orders me directly to do things (like go and change out any metal coat hangers in my closet with plastic ones) and when I don’t comply, there is trouble.

Though I’m not sure I have interpreted this correctly, but if you think I take this lightly or do not want to do the right thing, you are wrong. I walk on eggshells hoping not to say something that will annoy her (like - sorry, but I’m Catholic and don’t want children out of wedlock).

All I can say is that I’m searching fo the best way to handle things.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And you are to be commended for trying to do the right thing! But you are pregnant and shouldn’t be stressed like this. Your husband should be the one sitting down with her and saying “Don’t upset my wife.”

I KNOW what it’s like to have NOTHING in common with the mother of the man you married. And that’s why I’m being so blunt. He played us off against each other for years. Now she’s over in his house using my old furniture and taking care of MY children when they visit their father. No boundaries!!! He took turns resenting her control and using her for his own purposes. And incidentally, blaming MY mother for interfering when it was HIS mother all along.

For instance, when he moved out, she suggested I sell my eggs to earn money when he wasn’t paying child support. She could not fathom why I wouldn’t want to make an easy $6K doing that. Divorce was nothing to her. When we had problems, she counselled her son to make himself happy, not do the right thing.

So I see where this can lead if you don’t work it out early. And your baby deserves better.

I suggest from now on, what she doesn’t know can’t hurt you. How does she know you have metal hangers? Don’t let her in your house anymore. From now on, meet at HER house or at a neutral park or restaurant. Or at one of his brother’s houses. Then she can’t order you to do anything.

When she orders you to do something, smile and say “I’ll take that under advisement.” Then do your own thing.

Enough times of your son standing up to her and her tantrums having no effect, she will learn the new boundaries. But she’s obviously not operating from a position of faith and believing his place is with his wife now. Is this a cultural thing? Is she from another country where the new wife becomes a vassal of the son’s mother?

Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. It will find you no matter where you hide. Especially family conflict. And it will pop up in other odd places. Like the relationship with grandchildren, favorites, etc.

Have you tried asking her to tell stories about her own relationship with HER mother and mother in law? You might gain some insight into why she thinks what she is doing is perfectly acceptable. If she was treated like that, “How did that make you feel? Do you want to be the same way?” are good questions.

Might make her think…

You think you are walking on eggshells now, wait till she gives you her opinions on how you should raise your children (or like mine, gets upset that you are breastfeeding) or having more than one or two, or (yikes!) raising them Catholic.

I would suggest you and your husband go to a family counselor who can help him and you set reasonable kind boundaries and give you all pointers in this kind of thing before it burns out of control.

He needs to learn to separate in a kind manner that won’t make her cling more. She doesn’t yet see him as an independent adult, and she won’t until he behaves like an independent adult.

But it has to come from him, or she will blame you.

When she insists on things, simply saying, “Oh, that doesn’t work for us. But if you have a better suggestion…” You can deflect it. Some of her suggestions may actually work. She did manage to raise the one man you wanted to marry. So give her credit for that.

But you don’t need the stress of this for the next 5 months and the rest of your life.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

And you are to be commended for trying to do the right thing! But you are pregnant and shouldn’t be stressed like this. Your husband should be the one sitting down with her and saying “Don’t upset my wife.”

I KNOW what it’s like to have NOTHING in common with the mother of the man you married. And that’s why I’m being so blunt. He played us off against each other for years. Now she’s over in his house using my old furniture and taking care of MY children when they visit their father. No boundaries!!! He took turns resenting her control and using her for his own purposes. And incidentally, blaming MY mother for interfering when it was HIS mother all along.

For instance, when he moved out, she suggested I sell my eggs to earn money when he wasn’t paying child support. She could not fathom why I wouldn’t want to make an easy $6K doing that. Divorce was nothing to her. When we had problems, she counselled her son to make himself happy, not do the right thing.

So I see where this can lead if you don’t work it out early. And your baby deserves better.

I suggest from now on, what she doesn’t know can’t hurt you. How does she know you have metal hangers? Don’t let her in your house anymore. From now on, meet at HER house or at a neutral park or restaurant. Or at one of his brother’s houses. Then she can’t order you to do anything.

When she orders you to do something, smile and say “I’ll take that under advisement.” Then do your own thing.

Enough times of your son standing up to her and her tantrums having no effect, she will learn the new boundaries. But she’s obviously not operating from a position of faith and believing his place is with his wife now. Is this a cultural thing? Is she from another country where the new wife becomes a vassal of the son’s mother?

Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. It will find you no matter where you hide. Especially family conflict. And it will pop up in other odd places. Like the relationship with grandchildren, favorites, etc.

Have you tried asking her to tell stories about her own relationship with HER mother and mother in law? You might gain some insight into why she thinks what she is doing is perfectly acceptable. If she was treated like that, “How did that make you feel? Do you want to be the same way?” are good questions.

Might make her think…

You think you are walking on eggshells now, wait till she gives you her opinions on how you should raise your children (or like mine, gets upset that you are breastfeeding) or having more than one or two, or (yikes!) raising them Catholic.

I would suggest you and your husband go to a family counselor who can help him and you set reasonable kind boundaries and give you all pointers in this kind of thing before it burns out of control.

He needs to learn to separate in a kind manner that won’t make her cling more. She doesn’t yet see him as an independent adult, and she won’t until he behaves like an independent adult.

But it has to come from him, or she will blame you.

When she insists on things, simply saying, “Oh, that doesn’t work for us. But if you have a better suggestion…” You can deflect it. Some of her suggestions may actually work. She did manage to raise the one man you wanted to marry. So give her credit for that.

But you don’t need the stress of this for the next 5 months and the rest of your life.

This is extremely helpful. I never thought of cultural issues before. Though not from another country, she is from the south and I the north. She likes to be dropped off at a restaurant so that she doesn’t have to walk and I like to walk from the parking lot with my husband. If I want to move the furniture around, I just go ahead and do it where she would never and just watch. There could be some issues like that. Well, actually, she’s criticized me for both, so I know there are some fundamental differences like that. I’ll think more on it so there is less of a clash, if possible.

Hubby and I are talking at length about this. I agree that if we don’t handle things now, then we could end up like his brothers.

And you are right about the children. She openly criticizes my SILs about how the children are fed, when they’re fed, what they are wearing, when they are sleeping, etc… I really don’t want that in our future. She already annoyed that we have chosen Catholic names (of deceased family members - from both sides of the family, not just mine) for our child and didn’t consider her name in the list, which she offered to SPELL for us, just in case. Things must change fast and I HONESTLY will try, try, try… I want my child to have good, healthy, strong relationships with all of his/her grandparents.

I will also try to have more constructive conversations and see if I can find some insight and maybe some common ground.

Thank you for helping me see some light. It’s so very important this doesn’t get sour (well, more than it is).

 

[mom2boyz]

Can I have her? We could trade. I would love someone to buy me fashionable clothing. I can’t decorate and I wouldn’t mind someone’s help. I would love to have someone want to be part of my life. You can have mine. She’s has alzhiemer’s and can’t remember my name or that she has grandchildren.

I think L had some very good suggestions. Additionally, don’t take it personally. This is really more about her than it is about you. She probably has some fantasies about what having DIL’s would be like. If I had to guess I think she wants to be involved and feels left out. If she tells you to change the hangers in your closet. Thank her for the advice. Engage her in conversation about her rational for using plastic hangers. If she brings you new hangers, say “Thank you.”

For anything that you get into “trouble” for, just apologize. “Oh MIL I am sorry, but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t gotten around to that yet.” Do take her aside and apologize for not inviting her to help you to pick out the wedding dress. That must have been very important to her. Just tell her you are sorry that you didn’t realize how important it was to her and if you had known you would have invited her.

You don’t have to do what she says. Just be polite. Oh and quit complaining about her with the other SIL. All that does is add fuel to the fire of both of your anger. You both married her sons. There must be something about those sons that you find attractive and I don’t mean just physically. Remember she is the one who had some effect on the men they have become.

If they are passive, I would bet my bottom dollar that they have learned that from their father. I’ll bet FIL is “great.” He has had his wife take the fall for many things. She has probably been the one who has moved him in many ways that you aren’t aware.

When it becomes difficult, think about her in this light. She gave birth to your husband. She held him and rocked him. She kissed his ouchies. She feed him. She washed his clothes. She read him stories. She hugged him when he was scared. She drove him to his activities. She cheered for him. She worried about him. This will become easier when your child is born. After all you do it will be hard to imagine that someday you will be replaced by another woman. But that too is your fate if you have a son. I wish I had understood this many years ago. I would have cut my MIL a break for many things.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Additionally, don’t take it personally. This is really more about her than it is about you.

I’ll try not to. I sometimes feel attacked, so I’m sure I’ve taken many things personally.

For anything that you get into “trouble” for, just apologize. “Oh MIL I am sorry, but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t gotten around to that yet.”

Yes, that’s what I’m trying to do. Like when I didn’t move the plant fast enough. I mentioned that I had just watered them (which was true, though also, I didn’t feel up to it with stitches and pain killer) hoping it would put her off a bit.

You don’t have to do what she says. Just be polite.

No worries there. I am very sure to swallow what I can and will never be rude to her. I am not that kind of person and don’t think that will help.

Oh and quit complaining about her with the other SIL. All that does is add fuel to the fire of both of your anger.

Yes, I see your point. Sometimes, though, it helps to know you’re not the only one. It’s also hard when she cuts at someone in front of others. Once my SIL ran to the bathroom to try and get her composure and the other went to console her. It does help to vent, though, maybe if venting is needed, it should be with a counselor or someone who doesn’t know the family that well.

Remember she is the one who had some effect on the men they have become.

Yes, quite true.

If they are passive, I would bet my bottom dollar that they have learned that from their father.

It’s possible.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Oh, Sweetie, bless your little northern heart! You ARE from different countries! You should have told me sooner this was a Southern momma and her sons.

That.explains.everything.

Let me guess… you married The Son because he was the most polite man you had ever met. His manners were such that you had never encountered up North. He makes you feel like a queen. Right?

Yep. His momma taught him that. Thank her. Often. Praise her for what a good job she did raising your son. Learn from her so your son will be as polite.

Different rules apply here. I take it some of the SILs are northerners?

Depending on how old-South she is, let me help here. (Please, no arguments about how these are all stereotypes. We’re trying to help the lady here…)

The Southern mother is all about family. It’s a matriarchal society down here. The men are astonishingly passive around their mothers, and sometimes their wives. Steel magnolia country. They’ve seen war (no, it’s not over. Never will be. So just move along now.) and reconstruction and depression and poverty and bad weather and the Civil Rights movement and through it all the women carried on. While the men either don’t do much or don’t do enough. (To hear the women tell it.)

But through it all, the women are the guardians of the family. It’s a very rule-bound society. Politeness is everything. They probably think you are a rude northerner. I’ll bet you don’t talk as much as they do. While they’re explaining themselves, you’re being a taciturn northerner and so they don’t understand what you’re thinking. And they think you’re standoffish and think they are better than them?

Southerners are not stupid and have the perception northerners look down on them and consider them such. If there is ANY of that, you have to work hard not to give the impression you are being condescending. It’s a whole different way of communicating. “Well, bless your heart!” might really mean “I don’t like you very much.” Or it can mean “Bless your heart!”

The southern woman raised her son to be a gentleman. Yes ma’am, no ma’am, and show respect! I’ll bet she did all the heavy lifting in that family while daddy sat around and was charming. Everyone thinks he’s great, and yes, she’s the boogeyman. And she probably resents it.

In the south, there are ways things should be done. Once you figure out that it’s about the rules and not about you, it’s easier not to take it personally. In her world, I’m sure metal coathangers leave horrible marks on clothing. Maybe even rust marks! You CAN’T have that!

Seriously, this is a culture that deeply values history. What you describe as a china cabinet… umm… was this a special piece of furniture that had been in the family for a while? (Generations?) Maybe she had her own reason for putting it somewhere… out of the path of sunlight that might fade it, or where it won’t get knicked or scratched in the path of traffic. Ahhh… the South, where a table isn’t just a table, but it’s part of great grandmother’s wedding trousseau. You have to show proper respect to that sort of thing. If it’s new, then you’re still dealing with a mother who is used to directing her son’s lives.

Your husband needs to be more of a cultural guide here. If you were in a foreign country you’d expect him to help you bridge the cultural gap. He needs to do it here.

She probably wanted daughters to shop with. Have you ever gone shopping WITH her, and gone through stuff and talked about fashion and what you like and what is worn or not worn? She sounds like she wants to be a part of your life, but you’re as foreign to her as she is to you. Her extravagant Southern gift-giving style can be channelled with a little tact and a little sugar on your part. If you only want to wear blue cardigan sweaters, she probably knows the best store in town where you can find blue cardigan sweaters. Use that to your advantage.

And I’m not kidding about your need to ask her about her family. If she’s southern, she has a whole lotta stories about the family you married into going back generations. And I’m sure she has tales about her relationship with her husband’s mother. That might be a good place to start. She’s probably happy to complain about that! Stories that will make you grateful she’s your MIL instead. Southern men, for the most part, are momma’s boys. Use that to your benefit. She can help you kick him into line if he’s not helping out. Especially after the baby is born. “Don’t make me turn your mother loose on you” will be a real threat. No, I’m not joking. What you call interference, they view as AUTHORITY. Bless their hearts, a lot of southern men eventually become good at sitting out back chatting with the menfolk and letting you do all the work.

I promise you she has wonderful recipes that have been in the family for generations. Don’t be afraid to ask for them. They’re probably well-kept secrets. Don’t be surprised if the first version she gives you isn’t quite like she makes it. Someday she’ll give you her secret twist on it.

The information sharing and secrets and gossip that goes on in Southern families would make the CIA jealous. Information is power. Who is in the inner circle is all a measure of closeness and intimacy. Being cut out of secrets can launch a major feud.

And then there is the “goat.” A wonderful Southern tradition. The member of the family who is drummed out for some offense and shunned by everyone. You don’t want to be the goat.

If you try to mix in, they’ll give you points for trying. But I suggest you find your way to the bookstore and find a good book on Southern culture and the odd Southern mother/son relationship. Learn well and you can be a matriarch someday.

Y’all are taking some of this much too personally. I would suggest you friend a native southern neighbor and start grilling her on the customs and traditions down there.

But know this, if a southern mother served her son a scorpion sandwich, he’d eat it with a smile on his face and thank her rather than show rudeness in front of anyone else. Only your husband knows what sacrifices his mother made raising him all these years. So maybe he’s willing to put up with more than you are as a recognition of that. Because he was raised to show respect.

His mother can be your best friend or your worst enemy. It’s how you deal with her that will determine that. Your goal is to have her introduce you as the daughter she never had. Southern boundaries are a little bit different than northern ones. And it’s all masked over by a lot of excessive politeness. You need a trusted mentor in that family to help you learn the customs. Cuz it’s like quicksand… the more you fight it, the quicker you’re dragged under.

Good luck!

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

For anything that you get into “trouble” for, just apologize.

I was thinking about this while making dinner. One problem with me apologizing for everything, is that I am not sorry for everything and think empty apologies are not honest. Also, it just leaves it open for the continued interference which is not going to end well.

For instance…
I’m not sorry I waited until marriage to have children though she (a Baptist) disagreed because we were over 30.

I’m not sorry I have some wire coat hangers in my closet.

I’m not sorry I chose to name a girl after the Blessed Mother or a boy after a deceased relative/saint.

I can apologize for other things that she might have taken personally (because I would be sorry that she feels a certain way), but I honestly feel I should be able to make some decisions independent of what she thinks should be done (like waiting to move plants until I could see straight from taking pain medication and eating from straws). If you know what I mean.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Oh, Sweetie, bless your little northern heart! You ARE from different countries! You should have told me sooner this was a Southern momma and her sons.

That.explains.everything.

Oh my gosh, your comments made me laugh - the first smile I’ve had over this for a while!!!

Let me guess… you married The Son because he was the most polite man you had ever met. His manners were such that you had never encountered up North. He makes you feel like a queen. Right?

LOL - Funny - it was opposite. Not that he was rude or anything, but he was not the doting guy. A bit of a challenge - Mr. Hard-to-et.

Different rules apply here. I take it some of the SILs are northerners?
One of the two. The other is from NC - but neither of them get along with her either.

Depending on how old-South she is, let me help here.

Mostly lived in mid-KY.

The Southern mother is all about family. It’s a matriarchal society down here. Politeness is everything. They probably think you are a rude northerner.

I promise you I am never rude to her. Northerner, yes, but Catholic-school raised also

Her husband (when she gets mad that I walk to the car, or move furniture, her hubby says “it’s a northern thing” and gives a jolly laugh - he is from the north and I might add that we get along splendidly"). His mother, her MIL, and I get along great as well and I think their relationship is okay from what I can see on the outside.

I’ll bet you don’t talk as much as they do. While they’re explaining themselves, you’re being a taciturn northerner and so they don’t understand what you’re thinking. And they think you’re standoffish and think they are better than them?

Southerners are not stupid and have the perception northerners look down on them and consider them such.

I can agree about not chatting my head off all the time, but my mother is from SC and all of her family, so I don’t think southerners are stupid or anything.

The southern woman raised her son to be a gentleman. Yes ma’am, no ma’am, and show respect! I’ll bet she did all the heavy lifting in that family while daddy sat around and was charming. Everyone thinks he’s great, and yes, she’s the boogeyman. And she probably resents it.

I agree her first husband was a loser (not that I met him), but her second husband (still married since the younger kids were 3-yrs-old) married her and took in her three kids and provided and loved them as his own. He has been very instrumental in their upbringing. He is a very good guy. Now, I’m not sure about the other stuff, but she doesn’t like to cook (they eat out or he grills), doesn’t like to clean (they have a maid), doesn’t walk the dog (he does that), if she forgets something in the car, he gets sent to get it, etc… etc… Not sure if that’s a southern thing or an “I want to be pampered” thing. Honestly, she doesn’t lift a finger for a thing - at least these days, so, I can’t really answer this question all the way.

In the south, there are ways things should be done. Once you figure out that it’s about the rules and not about you, it’s easier not to take it personally. In her world, I’m sure metal coathangers leave horrible marks on clothing. Maybe even rust marks! You CAN’T have that!

Unfortunately, my dissertation for my PhD is more important than most of the things she stresses about (in my house). To me, those are the little things you don’t sweat (and I admit - none of her business). If I have ONE hour in the day, I will need to make priorities - dissertation #1 … coat hangers #10000000

Your husband needs to be more of a cultural guide here.

Can’t comment Not sure if he is doing this or not.

She probably wanted daughters to shop with. Have you ever gone shopping WITH her, and gone through stuff and talked about fashion and what you like and what is worn or not worn?

The other two DILs can do that - they like shopping. I HATE shopping. I rather be stabbed with a needle than go shopping. She is a shop-o-holic and she likes expensive cars and expensive clothes. Shopping will get us nowhere

And I’m not kidding about your need to ask her about her family. If she’s southern, she has a whole lotta stories about the family you married into going back generations.

Will ask. Her relationship with her MIL seems fine (though it’s hard not to get along with her MIL. I think she’s fab - though another northerner

I promise you she has wonderful recipes that have been in the family for generations.

She honestly does not like to do anything house-related. Thanksgiving is eating out or making stuffing from a box.

The information sharing and secrets and gossip that goes on in Southern families would make the CIA jealous. Information is power. Who is in the inner circle is all a measure of closeness and intimacy. Being cut out of secrets can launch a major feud.

Perhaps her reason for getting furious that my hubby’s aunt confided in me???

And then there is the “goat.” A wonderful Southern tradition.

Sounds so sweet - NOT

Southern boundaries are a little bit different than northern ones.

I’m guessing!

**So… last question. Does this mean - no BOUNDARIES? Like issues with pushing for children out of wedlock, etc…??? That can’t be right?!? **

 

[kind_bean]

Everyone posted good ideas and thoughts already. I just wanted to add that make sure things change before the grandkids come into the picture. My MIL is similar, but a little more subtle or in different ways (telling me how to cook, what furniture I should or shouldn’t have, buying me clothes because she doesn’t like what I wear, etc). This was all before I had my dd. Now everything is about her. She tells me what to feed her and when, she buys her a million clothes, constantly tells me I don’t dress her warm enough, I am the reason she has had so many earaches, colds, and the most annoying, she comes over and tells me she is taking my dd home with her, not asking if I already have plans or not. The most annoying was both her and my FIL used to come in our back door (they have a key) without knocking and just would walk in (I was usually breastfeeding, something I am not comfortable doing in front of them). It took about 4 times of my husband telling them to please come to the front door and knock (and them walking in on me putting my bra on!!) to finally start doing it.

They (my FIL is just as bad) are a major source of stress in my life and I have come to hate being with them (something I feel terribly guilty about), because I know that they are going to say something or question me about something regarding the care of my dd. So, I put up my defenses and shut down a bit when I am with them. I try to tell myself that they just care about their grandchild and are worried about her, but in doing so, they are neglecting me and my thoughts and feelings as a mother, so it is hard to let things roll off of my back. My dh has talked to them many times (especially when she was first born and they didn’t think she was gaining enough weight, that was all we ever heard them say, even though the doctor thought she was fine), but they just don’t listen to him.

Sorry, I guess I needed to rant. Basically, what I am saying is, having children puts more of a stress on the relationship between you and your in-laws, and it would be best if your husband could try to stand up for you and lay down some ground rules before they come into the picture.

KB

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Everyone posted good ideas and thoughts already. I just wanted to add that make sure things change before the grandkids come into the picture. My MIL is similar, but a little more subtle or in different ways (telling me how to cook, what furniture I should or shouldn’t have, buying me clothes because she doesn’t like what I wear, etc).

Yikes - yes, I see this happening with the other SILs. They feed the baby at this time, and she says it should be some other time, etc… etc…

She scolded me once (in my OWN kitchen) for making a mess. Lord help me when the baby comes!!!

 

[1ke]

Well, you are either going to stand up to her, or you aren’t. Only you can and your DH can make this stop.

 

[1ke]

I just wanted to add:

Under normal circumstances I would say “putting up with” her behavior would be an option.

But, this is WAY outside the norm. Your MIL has mental problems. In case you think it’s just YOU… the things you listed are just so far out there they are NOT NORMAL.

Don’t go around thinking that if you just do X, Y, or Z or if you can just say the right thing/do the right thing then your MIL will be satisfied. That will NEVER happen. She’s downright certifiable.

 

[masondoggy]

It’s time to firmly and bluntly stand up to her. Every Single Time she crosses the line. You have no other choice at this point, especially with a baby on the way. Things will only get worse. If feelings get hurt, they get hurt. She will be the cause of that, not you.