Miserable with NFP!

[kage_ar]

One Provocative Question:

Do you think the difficulty that many experience with NFP have to do with the fact that some couples are using NFP for reasons other than the “grave reasons” the Popes have said are necessary before one can licitly and morally use it? That it is, in a word, a way for God to express his displeasure?

Just a question - not necessarily an opinion.

Interesting.

IMHO, as a culture, we are taught that we should not have to sacrifice.

If we go back to “Bible Times” and really research, there were times every month when having sex was forbidden for a married couple. In the original model, married sex was not an anytime goes thing. Men and women did not share a bed every night. Maybe we have become spolied.

 

[Good_Daughter]

One Provocative Question:

Do you think the difficulty that many experience with NFP have to do with the fact that some couples are using NFP for reasons other than the “grave reasons” the Popes have said are necessary before one can licitly and morally use it? That it is, in a word, a way for God to express his displeasure?

Just a question - not necessarily an opinion.

Maybe, in some cases, but for the most part, no. NFP users tend to be generous, self-sacrificing people. When they have serious reason to avoid pregnancy, their reasons are just that-serious.

I think the difficulty that many experience with NFP has to do with the fact that Church teaching on marital sexuality is not taught or promoted as it should be, and good NFP teaching and support are not as available to Catholics as they should be.

I’ve watched couples start out vaguely aware of Church teaching, learn NFP to be used when needed, then find themselves dealing with a number of unplanned children, lengthy periods of abstinence or both. These things can take their toll, even in a loving marriage (and I believe they are the result of poor access to good NFP education and support).

Some of these couples happily turn to contraception and never look back. Some become bitter and hateful toward the Church. Some, by the grace of God, still have their hearts open enough to take in the kindness and good advice of people like CAF posters who are prayerfully and happily making use of NFP. This forum is an excellent resource for people who are able to discuss their NFP concerns rationally.

When posters simply want to rant against Church teaching, I don’t think there’s much anyone can say to help them. Thank goodness for prayer.

 

[searching06]

No… your ramblings & train of thought are dead on!

So the question is… what level of marital intimacy is required for those who say the Catholic Church’s teachings are unacceptable?
At what point is sex a novelty?

I mean, on a personal level… I have a very high drive for a woman… and I can’t imagine requiring more than NFP “allows”…

Define that, please. I had - and I emphasize *had *- a physical and emotional/sexual need for and of my God-given wife before CCC and NFP. Ain’t happenin’ anymore. What do you see and experience that NFP allows that you? Please tell me - even in a private message. I beg you - what you can’t imagine or experience more than NFP allows? I want my wife; yes, I want her beyond what CCC and NFP allows, and guess what? We have lost intimacy and closeness. She doesn’t get it, God bless her. But, I will accept my miserableness, if it is even a word, for the sake of her soul. But I question God and and the CCC and the Pope and even my faith. I am ready to leave the Catholic faith except for I believe Christ is Present in the Eucharist. Don’t give me **** about how we are to accept out sacrifice - I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!! I do not. I am miserable and it is hurting my wife and me and us. I would rather take my life than hurt her, and I am damn close. I do not understand what the Church - supposedly - expects of us. I hate this life, and we are to accept it it for what?

I would rather die than make my wife sin. But I am miserable. I am tired of this life for it holds no answers for me. And all I can do is hang on every single, stinkin’ day. It sucks. Not just because of the lack of sex and intimacy, but because of other factors as well. But my wife is at a loss as to how to help me. God bless her, she is part of the problem. And I will kill myself before I hurt her. Ain’t that a picture?

 

[Jennifer_J]

The Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Gotcha. Most people say the “teaching of the Catholic Church”, not referencing the Catechism in such a way as the poster did. That’s what threw me.

Marital Chastity is a teaching of the Catholic Church and that truth is taught through the Catechism. Just a fine point of distinction

 

[whatevergirl]

Define that, please. I had - and I emphasize *had *- a physical and emotional/sexual need for and of my God-given wife before CCC and NFP. Ain’t happenin’ anymore. What do you see and experience that NFP allows that you? Please tell me - even in a private message. I beg you - what you can’t imagine or experience more than NFP allows? I want my wife; yes, I want her beyond what CCC and NFP allows, and guess what? We have lost intimacy and closeness. She doesn’t get it, God bless her. But, I will accept my miserableness, if it is even a word, for the sake of her soul. But I question God and and the CCC and the Pope and even my faith. I am ready to leave the Catholic faith except for I believe Christ is Present in the Eucharist. Don’t give me **** about how we are to accept out sacrifice - I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!! I do not. I am miserable and it is hurting my wife and me and us. I would rather take my life than hurt her, and I am damn close. I do not understand what the Church - supposedly - expects of us. I hate this life, and we are to accept it it for what?

I would rather die than make my wife sin. But I am miserable. I am tired of this life for it holds no answers for me. And all I can do is hang on every single, stinkin’ day. It sucks. Not just because of the lack of sex and intimacy, but because of other factors as well. But my wife is at a loss as to how to help me. God bless her, she is part of the problem. And I will kill myself before I hurt her. Ain’t that a picture?

You and your wife are in my prayers, searching. Just take each day at a time…that is all any of us can do. Leave your pain, confusion, frustration, etc in Jesus’ hands…He will help you and your wife to find a better way, together. I’m sorry you’re struggling --God bless.

 

[Good_Daughter]

Define that, please. I had - and I emphasize *had *- a physical and emotional/sexual need for and of my God-given wife before CCC and NFP. Ain’t happenin’ anymore. What do you see and experience that NFP allows that you? Please tell me - even in a private message. I beg you - what you can’t imagine or experience more than NFP allows? I want my wife; yes, I want her beyond what CCC and NFP allows, and guess what? We have lost intimacy and closeness. She doesn’t get it, God bless her. But, I will accept my miserableness, if it is even a word, for the sake of her soul. But I question God and and the CCC and the Pope and even my faith. I am ready to leave the Catholic faith except for I believe Christ is Present in the Eucharist. Don’t give me **** about how we are to accept out sacrifice - I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!! I do not. I am miserable and it is hurting my wife and me and us. I would rather take my life than hurt her, and I am damn close. I do not understand what the Church - supposedly - expects of us. I hate this life, and we are to accept it it for what?

I would rather die than make my wife sin. But I am miserable. I am tired of this life for it holds no answers for me. And all I can do is hang on every single, stinkin’ day. It sucks. Not just because of the lack of sex and intimacy, but because of other factors as well. But my wife is at a loss as to how to help me. God bless her, she is part of the problem. And I will kill myself before I hurt her. Ain’t that a picture?

Are you saying that abstaining from sex for seven days per cycle has been a major contributing factor to your current personal anguish and marital distress?

 

[Em_in_FL]

Define that, please. I had - and I emphasize *had *- a physical and emotional/sexual need for and of my God-given wife before CCC and NFP. Ain’t happenin’ anymore. What do you see and experience that NFP allows that you? Please tell me - even in a private message. I beg you - what you can’t imagine or experience more than NFP allows? I want my wife; yes, I want her beyond what CCC and NFP allows, and guess what? We have lost intimacy and closeness. She doesn’t get it, God bless her. But, I will accept my miserableness, if it is even a word, for the sake of her soul. But I question God and and the CCC and the Pope and even my faith. I am ready to leave the Catholic faith except for I believe Christ is Present in the Eucharist. Don’t give me **** about how we are to accept out sacrifice - I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!! I do not. I am miserable and it is hurting my wife and me and us. I would rather take my life than hurt her, and I am damn close. I do not understand what the Church - supposedly - expects of us. I hate this life, and we are to accept it it for what?

I would rather die than make my wife sin. But I am miserable. I am tired of this life for it holds no answers for me. And all I can do is hang on every single, stinkin’ day. It sucks. Not just because of the lack of sex and intimacy, but because of other factors as well. But my wife is at a loss as to how to help me. God bless her, she is part of the problem. And I will kill myself before I hurt her. Ain’t that a picture?

I second whatevergirl’s comments… you and your wife are in my prayers. You’re obviously struggling and having a difficult time. Nothing that anyone here says is going to change that. It’s up to YOU and your wife to step up and figure things out in prayer at this point.
God bless.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

IMHE there are two reasons for difficulty with NFP:

---

1. The reasons truely are not serious, but the couple is still unwilling to have more for whatever reason given that actually boils down to, 9 times out of ten, they are simply fearful of trusting Him with this. Eventually they will either learn to accept more children gladly, find their need to wait is more serious than they thought and thus easier to wait, or they will gradually decline into the 2nd issue below.

---

2. They have just reasons but they obey grudgingly rather than with a willing heart. Breeding resentment and anger in said heart, for anything related tot he NFP that can be blamed for their trebulations - the spouse, the NFP, the Church, those who try to encourage them etc. The old “why do I have to carry this danged cross anyways” scenario.

---

Both of these problems are resolved the same way. Accepting His will over ours and trusting His will is always for our benefit, however much we can’t see it at the time. Even if His will is more children. Even if his will is no sex for a couple months.

---

Yes, I’m aware that is incredibly easier said than done.

---

I’m sorry if someone wants an easier answer because there is not one. I’d be lying if I said there was.

---

We are God’s children and called to obey him in all things.
**The sad truth is that we often obey or disobey just like children. **

 

[Cracker_Mom]

Define that, please. I had - and I emphasize *had *- a physical and emotional/sexual need for and of my God-given wife before CCC and NFP. Ain’t happenin’ anymore. What do you see and experience that NFP allows that you? Please tell me - even in a private message. I beg you - what you can’t imagine or experience more than NFP allows? I want my wife; yes, I want her beyond what CCC and NFP allows, and guess what? We have lost intimacy and closeness. She doesn’t get it, God bless her. But, I will accept my miserableness, if it is even a word, for the sake of her soul. But I question God and and the CCC and the Pope and even my faith. I am ready to leave the Catholic faith except for I believe Christ is Present in the Eucharist. Don’t give me **** about how we are to accept out sacrifice - I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!! I do not. I am miserable and it is hurting my wife and me and us. I would rather take my life than hurt her, and I am damn close. I do not understand what the Church - supposedly - expects of us. I hate this life, and we are to accept it it for what?

I would rather die than make my wife sin. But I am miserable. I am tired of this life for it holds no answers for me. And all I can do is hang on every single, stinkin’ day. It sucks. Not just because of the lack of sex and intimacy, but because of other factors as well. But my wife is at a loss as to how to help me. God bless her, she is part of the problem. And I will kill myself before I hurt her. Ain’t that a picture?

Um, just a quick look at this post would make me want to encourage the writer to seek some kind of counseling ASAP. Please check with your pastor & see what’s available in your diocese. There are some fine Catholic counselors out there.

 

[kage_ar]

Define that, please. I had - and I emphasize *had *- a physical and emotional/sexual need for and of my God-given wife before CCC and NFP. Ain’t happenin’ anymore. What do you see and experience that NFP allows that you? Please tell me - even in a private message. I beg you - what you can’t imagine or experience more than NFP allows? I want my wife; yes, I want her beyond what CCC and NFP allows, and guess what? We have lost intimacy and closeness. She doesn’t get it, God bless her. But, I will accept my miserableness, if it is even a word, for the sake of her soul. But I question God and and the CCC and the Pope and even my faith. I am ready to leave the Catholic faith except for I believe Christ is Present in the Eucharist. Don’t give me **** about how we are to accept out sacrifice - I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!! I do not. I am miserable and it is hurting my wife and me and us. I would rather take my life than hurt her, and I am damn close. I do not understand what the Church - supposedly - expects of us. I hate this life, and we are to accept it it for what?

I would rather die than make my wife sin. But I am miserable. I am tired of this life for it holds no answers for me. And all I can do is hang on every single, stinkin’ day. It sucks. Not just because of the lack of sex and intimacy, but because of other factors as well. But my wife is at a loss as to how to help me. God bless her, she is part of the problem. And I will kill myself before I hurt her. Ain’t that a picture?

Please seen a good Catholic counselor.

It does sound like there is far more going on here. Prayers for you.

 

[Cracker_Mom]

Interesting.

IMHO, as a culture, we are taught that we should not have to sacrifice.

If we go back to “Bible Times” and really research, there were times every month when having sex was forbidden for a married couple. In the original model, married sex was not an anytime goes thing. Men and women did not share a bed every night. Maybe we have become spolied.

Agreed, however re. the bibical example: as I understand it, that still applies to orthodox Jews today & the times allowed for marital relations are at the most fertile which is quite different from NFP.
But agreed that noone in these times wants to give up anything or any pleasure even if it’s for the good. We are very spoiled & it has damaged us in character & culture.

 

[jcoldc]

It is the bearing of the Cross and Prayer and the Sacraments that allow me to go without sex 24-7. That’s a lot tougher than being able to do it 10 days a month, folks!

That has a lot of impact. Maybe we can try to be thankful for what we have.

How about the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”? Maybe we should say “abstinence” instead.

NFP is hard. I feel for you, Searching06. Even when you want to do the right thing, the right way, it’s hard. You don’t always know if you;vemade a n error. You can’t always take your temp or make observations because “life” gets in the way. And in my case, literally life, as in the little lives we’ve already created.

Is the question really, people questioning if God is asking people to have more children (or abstain)? If we really knew that God either wanted us to make penance by abstaining, (so as to avoid purgatory), or have another child or two as part of His plan, I think we’d all do it. If God personally summoned you, like the OT , don’t you think you’d respond with, “by all means God. Of course.”

I think that’s why some folks have a hard time accepting this teaching.

 

[jcoldc]

Are you saying that abstaining from sex for seven days per cycle has been a major contributing factor to your current personal anguish and marital distress?

I’m not sure, or maybe missed exactly what searching06’s problem is regarding NFP. But A lot of couples have a harder time with NFP than abstaining for 7 days per cycle. If “7 days” is your experience, then I’m happy for you. But I think many people have a much harder time relying on their observations, or have inconsistent cycles.

 

[luvmykids]

That has a lot of impact. Maybe we can try to be thankful for what we have.

I agree with this to some extent, but you aren’t really comparing apples to apples when comparing abstinence with a single person to abstinence with married persons. It’s a whole different thing. You are living with the person that you have become one with on a daily basis when you are married. The person you love (hopefully) with all your heart, which sometimes makes abstinence a little more difficult. It’s not just about sex or sexual pleasure, it’s about a consumation, reuniting, bonding. Wanting to be as close as possible to this person. It’s a “marital act”. Can’t have a marital act without a marriage. I don’t know the person who posted the comment about being single, but I do know being single has it’s own crosses.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I’m not sure, or maybe missed exactly what searching06’s problem is regarding NFP. But A lot of couples have a harder time with NFP than abstaining for 7 days per cycle. If “7 days” is your experience, then I’m happy for you. But I think many people have a much harder time relying on their observations, or have inconsistent cycles.

True, but in those cases I’d say NFP is showing that there is reason to seek medical attention.
That’s one great benefit of NFP… it helps to detect medical problems so you can seek proper fertility health!
Those who have extremely inconsistent cycles should probably be seeking medical attention. NFP isn’t to blame for that! A “healthy” cycle shouldn’t be difficult to track at all.

 

[kage_ar]

I’m not sure, or maybe missed exactly what searching06’s problem is regarding NFP. But A lot of couples have a harder time with NFP than abstaining for 7 days per cycle. If “7 days” is your experience, then I’m happy for you. But I think many people have a much harder time relying on their observations, or have inconsistent cycles.

There are some high tech assistive devices out there now, a thread below speaks about the LadyComp. If I were having such a struggle, I’d reach out for some of the new gadgets and learn a different NFP method in addition.

 

[luvmykids]

True, but in those cases I’d say NFP is showing that there is reason to seek medical attention.
That’s one great benefit of NFP… it helps to detect medical problems so you can seek proper fertility health!
Those who have extremely inconsistent cycles should probably be seeking medical attention. NFP isn’t to blame for that! A “healthy” cycle shouldn’t be difficult to track at all.

I really didn’t want to get too graphic, but like I said in my post, I don’t have medical issues or irregular periods, but I still have still have about 14-15 days of abstinence per cycle. I don’t know about you, but I don’t normally like to have sex during the first 5 days, at least, of my period. There is no way to detect fertility during these days anyway, due to blood flow. Unfortunately, I’m one of those that has a 7 day period. Perfectly consistent in being 7 days since the day I began menstruating. Besides that I have about 5 or 6 days of fertility prior to peak, and then have to wait another 3 days post peak. So all together that is about 15 days per cycle of abstinence. Those who only have 7 are very fortunate. There is nothing wrong with my fertility health and have no problem tracking this. It is the same every month.

 

[jcoldc]

I agree with this to some extent, but you aren’t really comparing apples to apples when comparing abstinence with a single person to abstinence with married persons. It’s a whole different thing. You are living with the person that you have become one with on a daily basis when you are married. The person you love (hopefully) with all your heart, which sometimes makes abstinence a little more difficult. It’s not just about sex or sexual pleasure, it’s about a consumation, reuniting, bonding. Wanting to be as close as possible to this person. It’s a “marital act”. Can’t have a marital act without a marriage. I don’t know the person who posted the comment about being single, but I do know being single has it’s own crosses.

That’s a good point.

 

[Em_in_FL]

So all together that is about 15 days per cycle of abstinence. Those who only have 7 are very fortunate. There is nothing wrong with my fertility health and have no problem tracking this. It is the same every month.

True… but you mentioned not being affected by a lack of intimacy…
Also, those that are affected may be more inclined to be intimate during menstruation (for some it’s not a problem) in order to have more intimate time.
So, it’s not a matter of health that keeps you from intimacy… just a personal preference to avoid during menstruation.

 

[jcoldc]

There are some high tech assistive devices out there now, a thread below speaks about the LadyComp. If I were having such a struggle, I’d reach out for some of the new gadgets and learn a different NFP method in addition.

Yes, I have looked into Lady Comp, because it seems to minimize a lot of the work of NFP. There are a couple of threads on that on CAF. I might get it too. But it’s $500. Seems like a bit of a leap of faith. No pun intended.