Mom In Adulterous Relationship

[Annie]

I can love someone without loving their sins, that is the message hard to accept today. Where is the line? Where would I NOT take my children if exposing them to sin and acceptance is good?

ETA: Exposing children to sinful people is not, in and of itself, good, but teaching children to deal with the sinfulness of others in a loving way is good and necessary.

We have to consider degrees of relationship here. If the only person the OP knew who was cohabitating were an old college friend, then, yeah, don’t take the children over.

But this person is his mother, the children’s grandmother. What will shunning her teach the children? Among other things, “if I misbehave, I could be kicked out of the family, too.” “If I don’t like what my sister is doing, I can stop speaking with her.” Etc.

Additionally, there is what we are equipped to do. I would not take my children into a situation where the people were both distant from me and beyond the aid of myself and children (a parent might do prison ministry without taking his toddlers along).

Suppose the family passes a brightly painted disreputable bar rather frequently and the children develop a curiosity about that? Do we have to take them in there?

No. We can simply explain that, unlike one’s mother/grandmother, these people were not placed in our lives, and they are so far from Christ that they do many bad things and even dangerous things.

In our humanity, we do not have the resources to help them, but we can and should pray for them that God sends them people to help them.

Those are parameters I have figured out, and so far they have worked.

 

[PetraG]

I know that it’s adulterous technically, but please try to imagine the loneliness and pain she must feel after being tossed aside like that after so long.

If she lost her son too, that would be devastating.

In her place, would you or would you not want someone to remind you of the value of the way you had departed from? Would anyone here expect their mother to just accept their decision to live with their lover and to pretend that this was fine?

Put yourself in her position. Give her the treatment you would want, both knowing where you would want to be and where you might be in that moment. Also, be willing to make your treatment of your mother and her lover the model for the relationship you would have if your then-adult children were doing the same thing.

Above all, take this matter to prayer. If possible, have siblings pray with you. “Where two or three are gathered in My Name…” (Your children, of course, ought to have been praying for their grandparents both living and deceased all along. There is no need to encourage them to take the morality of her situation to the Lord, since they are too likely to miss the nuance in attitude that kind of intercessory prayer requires.)

 

[jcrichton]

This is quite a difficult thing.

Sadly, there’s no easy way out.

Your mom has been convinced that it I her choice and that she is in it on her own; she does not acknowledge that her actions go far beyond her “my life.”

You can speak to her and perhaps she can ask her lover to be absent when you visit–absence does make the heart… yada yada… but it also prevents the “in your face” situations.

Now, do you feel as strong when visiting other people, that is, is your mom the only person living in adultery/fornication which you visit?

If it is and you do not want your children to receive a double standard ed, which they would apply to themselves, then you must be honest with your mom and curtail the interaction with her.

While it is true that your mom does not have to follow your rule (Catholic Faith), it is also true that you must not water down your Faith in order to please man.

Remember, teaching children well is not just about setting rules and regulations–we must follow them and teach through example (that’s the hardest part of our Faith!). There’s no ‘be holy when it’s convenient’ Call!

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[jcrichton]

If she lost her son too, that would be devastating.

So teach children it’s ok to follow God but not when someone does not want to; then we can follow a double standard?

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[jcrichton]

Come on, there is no reason to assume wild odds!

No. We mustn’t judge; I hear that many people just get together to talk and hold hands–it’s about security and warmth…

btw: I have a little place across Manhattan, I can let anyone have for free–just pay me 20 mil for the Brooklyn Bridge and it’s yours.

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[jcrichton]

I would never stop having a relationship with her, my question is should I be going to her house with her boyfriend living there especially since I have young kids?

There used to be a slogan: “You are what you eat.” So some people order a large/super large everything and top it with a “diet” drink…

Your children will begin to associate their relationship with ‘just another alternative.’

We are also what we learn.

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[jcrichton]

I would, however, keep a strong eye on the situation and not let them spend the night If the couple were to come to stay with you overnight, I would offer separate rooms, then you will have done what you need to do, even if there is some sneaking around.

…as long as they are quiet it’s not really a sexual encounter, huh?

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[jcrichton]

Don’t teach your kids an anti-gospel where God condemns us for being imperfect.

That sounds very reasonable and just… explain how it meshes with this:
17If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. (St. James 4)
18 All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. (1 Corinthians 6)
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6)
22 Abstain from all appearance of evil. (1 Thessalonians 5)

What you are suggesting is liken to the wisdom of those who claim to allow their children to have cognitive abilities before introducing them to the Faith so that they can better choose to Follow Christ… too little too late!

We can love the person while shunning the sin; yet, we cannot immerse ourselves in sin in order to love the person committed to the sin.

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[Gorgias]

Right. 'Cause Jesus never said, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

 

[jcrichton]

I can love someone without loving their sins, that is the message hard to accept today. Where is the line? Where would I NOT take my children if exposing them to sin and acceptance is good?

This is exactly the problem. Christians are buying into the “don’t judge me” theology that hollowood preaches.

It’s ok for Catholics (and other Christians) to reject sin just don’t make the sinner feel bad ‘cause God wouldn’t want that.’

When Jesus was forced to choose, did He make it easy for His disciples to embrace divorce and remarriage/living together? He specifically stated: one man and one woman, in God.

The husband that rejects the wife commits adultery; the wife that rejects the husband commits adultery; any one of the spouses that joins another, other than their spouse, commits adultery.

His disciples grumble: ‘tis better not to marry.’ (paraphrased) Did Jesus then state, ‘well, as long as nobody gets wise to what you do, it’s ok?’ NO! Jesus took that as a resolve to remain celibate (chaste, virgin) to which He counter, “some are born eunuchs, some are made so by man, some choose to Serve the Kingdom in a state of Celibacy, let him who is able choose to do so.”

The choice is to remain married or remain chaste.

Anyone can choose what he/she wants; no one can claim that an unchaste life or multiple partners are God’s calling.

Hollowood teaches that unless we are sexuality active we cannot be happy and society want’s us to believe that God is too exigent–bend the rules, what can God do, He Knows He’s too demanding!

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[Gorgias]

I agree with others who have posted here expressing that your kids are going to meet all kinds of people in life. They need to learn how to process, manage, and accept relationships (read: love) with people who don’t share the same values they have.

Right. But, we don’t know the ages of the children. Moreover, learning these lessons is extremely difficult to process when the person is a close friend or family member. The ability to deal with “she’s my grandma” and simultaneously “she’s doing the wrong thing” isn’t something that even a teen can handle well, in general, without reaching the wrong conclusion.

This is a good opportunity to teach them how to do that.

But, maybe not quite right now. Maybe when they’re much older.

I would not isolate them from their grandmother.

Agreed. The posters who have suggested that he invite his mom to his place for dinner seem to have hit on a good solution.

The posters here who suggest he may be a sexual deviant are way off base.

The fear is the spectre of the unrelated male brought into the family situation and into contact with children. There are studies to suggest that they abuse (not necessarily sexual abuse, mind you) at higher rates.

 

[jcrichton]

The temptation is to see things as black and white, to believe that if I just avoid one side of sin, I will be on solid ground. But this belief denies that virtue is a narrow path to begin with. Unless we recognize that we are always falling, that everyone falls and recognize that we’re all in the same boat and have things to learn from each other, we’ll never get it.

Which is fine for anyone who chooses to remain in a life of sin–I just rob people cause God made me poor.

Yeah, God’s to blame for our uncompromising ways and our steadfast resolve not to exercise self-control.

The sin is believing that there are shades of gray that God allows so that we can sin and teach that sin is just part of learning not to sin.

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[Gorgias]

Note ‘brother or sister,’ not ‘Mother or Father.’
[/quote]

That’s seriously what you’re going to go with?

Right: so, brothers and sisters are in trouble if they sin, but moms and dads get to sin with impunity. Seriously?!?

So, what about Romans 15:14 (“And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another”)?

Or 1 Thess 5:14 (“We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly”)?

I mean… nice try, but not even close.

 

[jcrichton]

Suppose the family passes a brightly painted disreputable bar rather frequently and the children develop a curiosity about that? Do we have to take them in there?

No. We can simply explain that, unlike one’s mother/grandmother, these people were not placed in our lives, and they are so far from Christ that they do many bad things and even dangerous things.

This sounds very much like that theology that claims that only non-Believers will be held accountable for their sin… so sin is bad if it is committed by strangers but not so bad if it is blood relation?

Is that not what the world teaches (they bad, mine good no matter what they do)?

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[jcrichton]

Wait, so a “mother” or a “father” are exempt?

Really, could you illuminate that passage?

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[Dlee]

They sleep in the same bed.

Not your concern. Kind of icky that you’re thinking about this aspect.

 

[jcrichton]

No. But He would not teach complacency until the children are 30 or till the mom decides not to have relations.

What Jesus would demand is that, while loving his mom, the OP remains free of that immoral yoke and keep his children from it.

Grandma can visit the children (no overnight visits) and he and his children can go on outings with the grandma (movies, parks, zoo, etc.); they just don’t have to visit a home where adultery is taking place–let alone be part of if by sleeping over or vise versa.

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[jcrichton]

Not your concern. Kind of icky that you’re thinking about this aspect.

Another of those hollowood things; parents do not cease being human beings; sex does take place past children being born and becoming adults.

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[Gorgias]

Listen buddy, if I want a Church that doesn’t listen to the words of Jesus, I’ve got plenty of choices in the world today besides the JWs…

Besides, you remember what Jesus himself said, don’t you? “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn ‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’.” Jesus knew that His teachings would be hard to hear and harder to follow. He knew that there would be those who followed His word and those who rejected it, even within individual families.

If you think He said, “sin among others as you would have them sin among you,” then you’re following the wrong gospel…

You didn’t really read what I posted in this thread, did you? Let me help you out:

QwertyGirl:

I would not isolate them from their grandmother.

Agreed. The posters who have suggested that he invite his mom to his place for dinner seem to have hit on a good solution.

 

[jcrichton]

But he has the right (just like she has the right to do her will) not to bring his children into the affair; there’s no law (God or land) that dictates that one must have sleepovers or visits with people who are engaged in a live-in relationship (regardless if any government or Church official has/has not been dispatched to ascertain the level of intimacy that’s going on).

So just giving grandma a pass to do her will does not mean bringing the children to partake of such will.

Consider the act of racism–would he disown his mom for being racist? No. Yet, he has the right not to follow in her footsteps and to keep his children from being immerse in it.

The difference is only that society approves of promiscuity and, in most circles, disproves of racism.

God is against both!

Tech the children well does not mean teach them to look the other way when a family member is the culprit.

Maran atha!

Angel