Mommy Cliques

[Little_Mary]

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you are not wanted, or that you don’t fit in? I have been living in this area going on three and a half years now and I still feel “new” at my church/school.

I have moved around a lot in the past and I know that it takes about a year to a year and a half to settle in and get to know people. This is the first time I have had a problem with that.

I have tried to invite some of the other moms to lunch or out for a girls’ night only to be (very politely) turned down. Then I find out that lunches and girls’ nights do take place, I am just not included.

What’s up with that?

I have never had a problem with making friends before this. I certainly would never try and talk to someone at church/school about it because it would come across as petty.

Have you or anyone you know ever been in a situation like this?

 

[Cupofkindness]

I don’t know what the ages of your children are, but why don’t you try extending the invitation via email to a very broad group of women (like the entire mother’s club or pre-k class) inviting them to a playgroup or mom’s night out. This way, you are bound to get a positive reply and you might well be including others who don’t often get asked to these sorts of social events.Or, invite one mother to your house for a play date.

Also, I’ve never seen an offer to help at a function or serve on a committee turned down, have you tried volunteering to work on a project at church or school?

Finally, good luck. It’s unfortunate that these women don’t remember how difficult it is to get to know others in a new setting. And it’s so vital for mother’s to have good friends to help them carry the load. Good luck and God bless you!

 

[Giannawannabe]

You know all those cliquey girls in High School? Well, they grow up and become cliquey moms!! One can almost pick them out at school functions for the kids.

How about the moms of your children’s friends? Maybe you could start there. Perhaps have a little get together for the kids and invite the moms to coffee while the kids play.

I feel for you. I have worked at places and been in situations where I felt left out. How awful. Do what I do. Pray for a good friend. Offer up your frustration and hurt re: this cliquey situation for that intention.
I’ll pray for you too.

 

[leaner]

A lot of times they’re cliquey moms, but sometimes they’re just too wrapped up to notice others – is that different? Dunno…but I have learned that a “oh, I would really have liked to join you guys on one of those nights out, please call me next time!!” - and I’ve had people reply “really? I’m sorry, I’ll let you know next time we play/go/do/see” – or “yeah, sure great!” and then if I don’t get a call, I don’t have to wonder…lol, I know it’s b/c it was a cliquey group. One thing I’m famous for (my DH is always complaining about this) is being too vague and too quiet about things that concern myself. Him or the kids, and I’m a human loudspeaker – plenty to say, opinions a plenty…but if it’s my own pleasure or enjoyment (like getting invited to things or asking to join in on things or asking for someone to watch my kids so I can go to the ER for myself…lol) I clam up…he’s right. You have to be out front and put it all out there – then at least you know what’s what – either they’re too snobby (which, while it hurts, you know isn’t your thing anyway) or they just didn’t know – and you think, “how could you not know??!” – but people really really don’t. They don’t pay attention the way you do, and they aren’t as considerate of subtleties as you are –

good luck – we move every 3yrs, so I know the feeling!

 

[puzzleannie]

DD ran into this in her neighborhood, an extended subdivision several square blocks with community center, family activities, including a moms group. When she tried to join after her baby was a few months old and she was looking for the companionship of other new moms, she found that there were definite cliques based on parenting styles.
examples of actual comments she got.
“We are into attachment parenting, so we only want a play group with like minded parents because we don’t want to confuse Baby.”

“We do all organic foods and clothing etc. and don’t want baby exposed to other homes where there might be synthetics and other harmful environmental influences.”

she had better luck at church when she started going to the Mass with the nursery and taking her turn babysitting, a new group of friends, just starting to do things outside Church together, but this parish is further away from her home, not in the neighborhood.

when she went back to school and put him in day care a couple of mornings each week some of the church moms dropped her like she was a child abuser. I actually heard a couple of their comments and saw the expressions on their faces after church one Sunday.

 

[SeekerJen]

Urgh, this sounds like my Catholic elementary school. A number of the other moms made my mom miserable, and their kids did much the same to me. It didn’t help that my dad was a factory worker, and their dads were all doctors, lawyers, etc. One had to be invited to be on the Parent-Teacher Guild board. Once one was on, one was a lifer (at least until their children were all out). They all held “elected” positions, which meant that they elected each other to the positions and just switched off each year.

Fortunately there were some other decent people there, they were just a bit harder to find because they weren’t throwing themselves into the spotlight, so to speak. My mom did become friends with a few other moms, usually after I had become friends with their kids (the nice kids usually had nice parents). My mom also became a Girl Scout leader, and the snooty moms had to at least condescend to speak to her after that.

And people wonder why I was in such a hurry to leave my former parish’s school system after 8th grade…

 

[spiritblows]

puzzleannie:

DD ran into this in her neighborhood, an extended subdivision several square blocks with community center, family activities, including a moms group. When she tried to join after her baby was a few months old and she was looking for the companionship of other new moms, she found that there were definite cliques based on parenting styles.
examples of actual comments she got.
“We are into attachment parenting, so we only want a play group with like minded parents because we don’t want to confuse Baby.”

“We do all organic foods and clothing etc. and don’t want baby exposed to other homes where there might be synthetics and other harmful environmental influences.”
.

LOL, that brings back memories!!!

With my 5th and 6th child, I remember being in a playgroup with a bunch of newer moms. They would sit around exchanging all of their expert ideas on how they were going to wean, or pottytrain. They had all kinds of unproven theories. LOL. No one asked me, the veteren mom in the group who had run the gauntlet and tried all the theories already. They never thought to ask me, it was funny.

Yes, I used to think that moms who used disposable diapers were practically evil. I thought all you needed was breastmilk and cloth diapers, and all would be well

LOL, I sure was a naive idiot back then!

 

[Little_Mary]

Thanks for all your replies! I’ll never be lonely as long as I have my forum friends!

As for volunteering: Yes. I am very active as a volunteer: school board member, room mom, playground duty, play flute for children’s choir.

As for getting to know parents of my kids’ friends: Those are the women I’m talking about. We have the most in common (our kids are the same age and have similar sporting interests). We have to talk when we are arranging kids’ activities. Outside of that, they all have their mom’s night out, Bunko, weekends at the beach, lunch, etc. I am never called.

As for letting them know I’m interested: More than once I’ve said " Oh I’d love a night out like that" or “Why don’t you come in for coffee/wine/beer when you drop the kids off” etc. Bottom line: No takers!

leaner had a good point that I have considered: They probably don’t realize that I feel this way, and they are just so busy they don’t think about it. It’s probably not intentional. I have considered. They are all very nice with the chit chat but there seems to be a glass wall as if to say “this is as far as you’re getting!!”

Anyway, I will just continue to be friendly and go about my business. Just wondered if anyone had similar experiences!

Thanks

 

[leaner]

Thanks for all your replies! I’ll never be lonely as long as I have my forum friends!

As for volunteering: Yes. I am very active as a volunteer: school board member, room mom, playground duty, play flute for children’s choir.

As for getting to know parents of my kids’ friends: Those are the women I’m talking about. We have the most in common (our kids are the same age and have similar sporting interests). We have to talk when we are arranging kids’ activities. Outside of that, they all have their mom’s night out, Bunko, weekends at the beach, lunch, etc. I am never called.

As for letting them know I’m interested: More than once I’ve said " Oh I’d love a night out like that" or “Why don’t you come in for coffee/wine/beer when you drop the kids off” etc. Bottom line: No takers!

leaner had a good point that I have considered: They probably don’t realize that I feel this way, and they are just so busy they don’t think about it. It’s probably not intentional. I have considered. They are all very nice with the chit chat but there seems to be a glass wall as if to say “this is as far as you’re getting!!”

Anyway, I will just continue to be friendly and go about my business. Just wondered if anyone had similar experiences!

Thanks

I hear ya. You could always try the point blank approach – “When’s the next bunco night?, where is it? What can I bring!!!”

and then guage reactions…lol, you’ll know immediately if they’re snooty desperate housewives or just clueless…lol

 

[ConcernCatholic]

Little Mary:

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you are not wanted, or that you don’t fit in? I have been living in this area going on three and a half years now and I still feel “new” at my church/school.

This is the story of my life. I have never fit in anywhere, whether I lived there for 2 days or 10 years. That is just a curse I have. I met my husband and he is pretty much the same way I am. We have come to the conclusion that we just don’t fit in and that is the way it is. I have told other moms at church that I would like to get together but they are too busy or never take me up on it. I never fit in while in school because I was never prissy, didn’t like to gossip, and basically was a geek that didn’t measure up to everyone else. As an adult, things haven’t changed much. I think another poster hit the nail on the head when they stated that the cliquey girls in high school grow up to be cliquey moms. Maybe you can find other ‘misfits’ to get together with. Just my two cents.

CC

 

[ReginaNova]

I find when you really want something badly, it is elusive. I would suggest distracting yourself with an activity you enjoy. Or start your own bunko group with some of the other moms. Though bunko is a hard one because it takes 12 people. (Perhaps they have a very well established bunko group and never need substitutes.) Focus on reaching out to another mom who seems to be on the outskirts of the in-crowd and have your own outings. Afterwards, happen to mention how you went shopping together or sightseeing or whatever. Women always notice when others seem to be having fun without them. So show that you are having fun and they will think of you as a fun person that they should include in activities.

 

[Little_Mary]

leaner:

I hear ya. You could always try the point blank approach – “When’s the next bunco night?, where is it? What can I bring!!!”

and then guage reactions…lol, you’ll know immediately if they’re snooty desperate housewives or just clueless…lol

Great idea. What have I got to lose!!

 

[Little_Mary]

ReginaNova:

I find when you really want something badly, it is elusive. I would suggest distracting yourself with an activity you enjoy. Or start your own bunko group with some of the other moms. Though bunko is a hard one because it takes 12 people. (Perhaps they have a very well established bunko group and never need substitutes.) Focus on reaching out to another mom who seems to be on the outskirts of the in-crowd and have your own outings. Afterwards, happen to mention how you went shopping together or sightseeing or whatever. Women always notice when others seem to be having fun without them. So show that you are having fun and they will think of you as a fun person that they should include in activities.

I think I understand what you are trying to say. If I could p(name removed by moderator)oint who that might be…maybe. I’ve about given up on the whole thing.

 

[wacky_wonderful]

Little Mary:

I think I understand what you are trying to say. If I could p(name removed by moderator)oint who that might be…maybe. I’ve about given up on the whole thing.

Anyone remember the Welcome Wagon? They came to the door with a basket of goodies, coupons and freebies. I always loved that. Make up calling cards with your name, email address and phone number. Hand them out at the bank, grocery store or the doctor’s office…wherever you meet another mom who you think might be a potential friend. Call yourself the New Mom to the Neighborhood Welcome Wagon or something like that. Sign up to sell Avon. You’ll save money and meet lots of new people that way. And also, consider that some places are more closed than others. I live in a place like that right now. God has a plan, so I try to bloom where I’m planted, while frequently asking God: Why? When? Huh?!

 

[Little_Mary]

wacky&wonderful:

Anyone remember the Welcome Wagon? They came to the door with a basket of goodies, coupons and freebies. I always loved that. Make up calling cards with your name, email address and phone number. Hand them out at the bank, grocery store or the doctor’s office…wherever you meet another mom who you think might be a potential friend. Call yourself the New Mom to the Neighborhood Welcome Wagon or something like that. Sign up to sell Avon. You’ll save money and meet lots of new people that way. And also, consider that some places are more closed than others. I live in a place like that right now. God has a plan, so I try to bloom where I’m planted, while frequently asking God: Why? When? Huh?!

Oh yes I believe in blooming where you’re planted.

I am a mortgage banker and I sell Pampered Chef on the side. I’m always giving out business cards and catalogs. I try not to do to much of that in my parish (church/school) b/c I don’t want to be labeled as that pushy salesman. I have held fundraisers for the school and added my commission to the amount of funds raised - pocketed no money. I have also donated $100’s of $$ in products to various raffles in attempts to raise money for the school. I’m quite active and they know they can call me for help (anybody want to buy a spaghetti dinner on Feb 12th? I’m cooking- or setting tables, or cutting cakes, or taking tickets, I don’t know yet b/c I’m not in the loop!). But it stops there. Help us, but don’t expect us to socialize with you.

I have also offered to start a welcome wagon of sorts for the school b/c I’ve considered that maybe other moms might feel as I do and I could welcome them in a manner that I was Not welcomed in. (mind you, I’ve had 3 years to think about these things). Anyway, it was shot down. You know, that don’t call us we’ll call you kind of tone.

It is nice to be able to vent here, on this thread, but, again, I don’t want to sound like the petty trouble maker. I’ve (mentally) moved on and am just going about my business. I wish things were different, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

 

[Little_Mary]

wacky&wonderful:

. I live in a place like that right now. God has a plan, so I try to bloom where I’m planted, while frequently asking God: Why? When? Huh?!

You know what? One good thing out of this is my increased prayer life. I started out asking God “what’s the deal” and it has led to more frequent prayer, novenas and daily rosaries. Not solely for the intent of beefing up my social life, at least not anymore, and I love the good feeling prayer brings. His plan? Very likely!!

 

[sconea]

ConcernCatholic:

This is the story of my life. I have never fit in anywhere, whether I lived there for 2 days or 10 years. That is just a curse I have. I met my husband and he is pretty much the same way I am. We have come to the conclusion that we just don’t fit in and that is the way it is. I have told other moms at church that I would like to get together but they are too busy or never take me up on it. I never fit in while in school because I was never prissy, didn’t like to gossip, and basically was a geek that didn’t measure up to everyone else. As an adult, things haven’t changed much. I think another poster hit the nail on the head when they stated that the cliquey girls in high school grow up to be cliquey moms. Maybe you can find other ‘misfits’ to get together with. Just my two cents.

CC

This must be a common problem. Several years ago I ran into an old friend mother of several children. She was in her kitchen and feeling very down…thinking, gee, I’ll just never ‘fit in’ anywhere.
When she heard a very clear voice say, “don’t worry you’ll fit in in heaven.”

This is from someone who says she’s never had a mystic or prophetic experience in her life, is not charismatic, or anything special…just thought I tell the story as it might be some comfort.

Hang in there and pray for direction…God bless.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

sconea:

When she heard a very clear voice say, “don’t worry you’ll fit in in heaven.”

Thank you so much for that uplifting bit of wisdom. My husband and I sometimes get down because of our inability to fit in and find friends.

 

[wacky_wonderful]

Little Mary:

Oh yes I believe in blooming where you’re planted.

I am a mortgage banker and I sell Pampered Chef on the side. I’m always giving out business cards and catalogs. I try not to do to much of that in my parish (church/school) b/c I don’t want to be labeled as that pushy salesman. I have held fundraisers for the school and added my commission to the amount of funds raised - pocketed no money. I have also donated $100’s of $$ in products to various raffles in attempts to raise money for the school. I’m quite active and they know they can call me for help (anybody want to buy a spaghetti dinner on Feb 12th? I’m cooking- or setting tables, or cutting cakes, or taking tickets, I don’t know yet b/c I’m not in the loop!). But it stops there. Help us, but don’t expect us to socialize with you.

I have also offered to start a welcome wagon of sorts for the school b/c I’ve considered that maybe other moms might feel as I do and I could welcome them in a manner that I was Not welcomed in. (mind you, I’ve had 3 years to think about these things). Anyway, it was shot down. You know, that don’t call us we’ll call you kind of tone.

It is nice to be able to vent here, on this thread, but, again, I don’t want to sound like the petty trouble maker. I’ve (mentally) moved on and am just going about my business. I wish things were different, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

 

[wacky_wonderful]

Little Mary:

Oh yes I believe in blooming where you’re planted.

I am a mortgage banker and I sell Pampered Chef on the side. I’m always giving out business cards and catalogs. I try not to do to much of that in my parish (church/school) b/c I don’t want to be labeled as that pushy salesman. I have held fundraisers for the school and added my commission to the amount of funds raised - pocketed no money. I have also donated $100’s of $$ in products to various raffles in attempts to raise money for the school. I’m quite active and they know they can call me for help (anybody want to buy a spaghetti dinner on Feb 12th? I’m cooking- or setting tables, or cutting cakes, or taking tickets, I don’t know yet b/c I’m not in the loop!). But it stops there. Help us, but don’t expect us to socialize with you.

I have also offered to start a welcome wagon of sorts for the school b/c I’ve considered that maybe other moms might feel as I do and I could welcome them in a manner that I was Not welcomed in. (mind you, I’ve had 3 years to think about these things). Anyway, it was shot down. You know, that don’t call us we’ll call you kind of tone.

It is nice to be able to vent here, on this thread, but, again, I don’t want to sound like the petty trouble maker. I’ve (mentally) moved on and am just going about my business. I wish things were different, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Those of us who don’t fit in (square pegs in a round hole) are here for a reason. I’m dealing with a similar situation here (church) and finally sent a letter to the bishop’s office. I thought long and hard about doing it. I was encouraged to do so by a poster on another thread. After sending the letter, the scripture about cutting down the fig tree that didn’t produce any fruit came to mind. Oh my…