Mommy Cliques

[lukefan]

I have dealt with these type of cliques for years. First of all Bunko is evil. After being a sub a few times, I figured out that this is where all the women go to gossip about everybody that isn’t there!

Last night I had to endure the Mother’s Group from our local high school for a night at a local bar & grill after a high school sporting event. Kind of a “get to know you” type thing! Luckily we got there early so I could leave early! I have absolutely nothing in common with these snobby people and do not wish to socialize with them. The only thing we have in common is that my son wrestles on the same team and he is better than their son’s at wrestling!

One thing that I have learned after being a Mom for 18 years is that a) I don’t have to be friends with the parents of my kids friends b) eventually you find your group - I regularly get together with people that I genuinely like and feel comfortable around, we have a beer and are interested in each others lives.

I am who I am and I no longer try to be something I’m not!

 

[Little_Mary]

lukefan:

I have dealt with these type of cliques for years. First of all Bunko is evil. After being a sub a few times, I figured out that this is where all the women go to gossip about everybody that isn’t there!

Last night I had to endure the Mother’s Group from our local high school for a night at a local bar & grill after a high school sporting event. Kind of a “get to know you” type thing! Luckily we got there early so I could leave early! I have absolutely nothing in common with these snobby people and do not wish to socialize with them. The only thing we have in common is that my son wrestles on the same team and he is better than their son’s at wrestling!

One thing that I have learned after being a Mom for 18 years is that a) I don’t have to be friends with the parents of my kids friends b) eventually you find your group - I regularly get together with people that I genuinely like and feel comfortable around, we have a beer and are interested in each others lives.

I am who I am and I no longer try to be something I’m not!

I think you hit on something here. I’ve been dealing with a certain degree of guilt because I’ve always been involved at the schools my children have attended. Either room mom, classroom helper or just general volunteer.

Now that they are 10 and 12, maybe it’s OK to take a couple years off and do some good some place else in my community.

 

[Little_Mary]

the phoenix:

Dear wacky&wonderful:

Yes, I can relate to what you say … even from yet another personal experience that occurred just this morning when I met a friendly little old lady in a restaurant. I hoped against hope that she was a Catholic and could steer me to a good parish … but she turned out to be Presbyterian. She very courteously invited me to join her church. Of course I could not take such a step … When it comes down to a choice between having friends in this world or having Jesus as my only Catholic friend, then I choose Jesus and the Catholic Church. But on the way to my table, I let her know that in fact, many Catholics believe that Protestants are friendlier than Catholics are.

I’ve been treated in a far kindlier manner down through the years by a Jehovah’s Witness, a Methodist, and even a purple-haired pagan up at the university where I study Japanese, than by the fellow Catholics I come into contact with on a daily basis.

I would LOVE to have a Catholic friend, but God must have His reasons for keeping them from me.

~~ the phoenix

I have two very nice Catholic acquaintances and they are just wonderfule, but their children are much younger than mine and so their daily schedules are much different. We’ve discussed getting together but I’ve just never pursued it.

Your post reminds me of the parents on my daughter’s swim team - all extremely nice and wouldn’t dream of leaving anyone out of any group plans (we travel as a team and they all try to get everybody together for dinner somewhere)

All of these swim parents seem to be Baptist or Presbyterian - nothing wrong with that as friends go, but some of them attend a church that I KNOW passes out Chick Tracts. So, while they are very nice and fun to be around, I always wonder if the conversation is going to turn to ‘salvation’!! They know I’m Catholic. They all home school, too, and I do not.

 

[Little_Mary]

Today I am off to help with the spaghetti dinner. All my friends will be there!! I am going to be myself, with no expectations of further social development after this afternoon. I’ll smile and be sweet and work like a dog, and then disappear.

 

[the_phoenix]

Little Mary:

All of these swim parents seem to be Baptist or Presbyterian - nothing wrong with that as friends go, but some of them attend a church that I KNOW passes out Chick Tracts. So, while they are very nice and fun to be around, I always wonder if the conversation is going to turn to ‘salvation’!! They know I’m Catholic. They all home school, too, and I do not.

First off, Little Mary, … Good luck surviving the spaghetti dinner!

Wow. Your post to me brings up a dilemma I’ve been considering with my Methodist friend.

Last year, I happily attended a social function sponsored by her Methodist church called “The Bodacious Women’s Luncheon.” A good time was had by all.

Sometime after that, my friend and I were chatting happily enough in a restaurant. We brought up cable television. She commented about how she watches a non-denominational channel that includes all Christian religions, including Catholic. I responded that I don’t have cable, but if I did, I would subscribe to FOX News and EWTN, the Catholic channel.

“Oh,” my Methodist friend blurted out, “I have no use for anything Catholic.”

She is now hinting that she would like me to buy another ticket to attend this year’s upcoming Methodist “Bodacious Women’s Luncheon.”

I’m not really sure how to handle this.

~~ the phoenix

 

[wacky_wonderful]

Little Mary:

I have two very nice Catholic acquaintances and they are just wonderfule, but their children are much younger than mine and so their daily schedules are much different. We’ve discussed getting together but I’ve just never pursued it.

Your post reminds me of the parents on my daughter’s swim team - all extremely nice and wouldn’t dream of leaving anyone out of any group plans (we travel as a team and they all try to get everybody together for dinner somewhere)

All of these swim parents seem to be Baptist or Presbyterian - nothing wrong with that as friends go, but some of them attend a church that I KNOW passes out Chick Tracts. So, while they are very nice and fun to be around, I always wonder if the conversation is going to turn to ‘salvation’!! They know I’m Catholic. They all home school, too, and I do not.

If they haven’t brought up the subject of salvation by now, they probably won’t. If they were super zealous and wanted to “get you” they would have gone for the kill a long time ago.

Homeschooling is no picnic, believe me. I did it with my daughter for the junior high years. The first year we started the curriculum in Sept., by January she was done and I was left wondering what the heck to do next. We were part of a group of other hs parents and so we went on field trips and she began reading adult non-fiction (favorite: the Russian Revolution) and explored other things. She had a weird fascination with tomato horn worms. Wanted to raise them. The guy from the local ag dept. tried telling her they were pests. She was determined… She eventually went back to public school and was lightyears ahead of her classmates. She’s 32 now. Time flies!

 

[wacky_wonderful]

the phoenix:

First off, Little Mary, … Good luck surviving the spaghetti dinner!

Wow. Your post to me brings up a dilemma I’ve been considering with my Methodist friend.

Last year, I happily attended a social function sponsored by her Methodist church called “The Bodacious Women’s Luncheon.” A good time was had by all.

Sometime after that, my friend and I were chatting happily enough in a restaurant. We brought up cable television. She commented about how she watches a non-denominational channel that includes all Christian religions, including Catholic. I responded that I don’t have cable, but if I did, I would subscribe to FOX News and EWTN, the Catholic channel.

“Oh,” my Methodist friend blurted out, “I have no use for anything Catholic.”

She is now hinting that she would like me to buy another ticket to attend this year’s upcoming Methodist “Bodacious Women’s Luncheon.”

I’m not really sure how to handle this.

~~ the phoenix

Except for that one lame comment, has she been a good friend? If so, chalk it up to her brain taking a vacation. Go to the dinner. Have a good time. Worry not.

 

[Little_Mary]

wacky&wonderful:

Except for that one lame comment, has she been a good friend? If so, chalk it up to her brain taking a vacation. Go to the dinner. Have a good time. Worry not.

I agree with this. You will also have a chance to do some evangelizing of your own eventually and they will all see that Catholics aren’ t half bad. Who knows, two years from now you might be celebrating her conversion!!

 

[the_phoenix]

Thank you for your viewpoints, wacky&wonderful and Little Mary.

Yeah, it looks like I’ll be attending the Bodacious Women’s Luncheon, in this case. The Methodist friend and I definitely DO have differences in our belief systems … her favorite woman in the world is Hillary Clinton and she doesn’t consider Bush her president, whereas I’m a Bush backer and Rush Limbaugh dittohead who’s always considered Reagan my hero, but so far we’ve managed to get along peacefully enough.

~~ the phoenix

 

[Little_Mary]

My spaghetti dinner thing was yesterday and I did not post about it yesterday b/c I was still reeling from it. I went prepared to step back and carefully observe everyone else, be as pleassant as possible and see if I could tell whether I was making all of this stuff up (paranoid) or if there is anything to it.

Knot in stomach. There is something to it. I don’t know if I have said or done something to upset this handful of women or if they just “don’t like me”. Gut feeling. You just know.

I did meet a couple of women whom I have never met before. We chatted for a long time b/c we were at the same station and it was not a busy one. I asked if there was a bunko group. They said indeed there is and that I should come - they are to call me when the one in March takes place. It’s not really bunko - it started out that way but they don’t play anymore, it’s just a social gatherine BYOB and taking turns whose house it will be.

In March it is at the home of one of the more difficult mothers. I really think her jaw would drop if I walked in her front door.

All kidding aside, I want to go out of curiosity, and I don’t want to go b/c I still want to leave it all behind me. I guess it all depends on whether these other women remember to call me with a date - I could certainly call one of them I suppose…

I also have a gift for the house-no move-mom. I will give it to her tomorrow with my best wishes. That will probably be the last time I talk to her unless she addresses me. I’m tempted to write a note with all kinds of things in it to let her know the hurt I am feeling but I won’t.

In case you are wondering, I really don’t have a clue as to what I could have done to turn this handful of women against me. If I did, I would post it here. Kind of like going to the doc and lying about your symptoms yet expecting him to cure you - wouldn’t get you very far

 

[Giannawannabe]

Little Mary:

In case you are wondering, I really don’t have a clue as to what I could have done to turn this handful of women against me. If I did, I would post it here. Kind of like going to the doc and lying about your symptoms yet expecting him to cure you - wouldn’t get you very far

Little Mary, there has to be something…my guess is there is some jealousy. More than likely it’s the “worst mom” in the group who is jealous of you for some reason. I’ll bet it centers around your kids. You don’t have to say, but are they good students? Ones who really stand out? Well behaved? Get awards and recognition on regular basis (you know…Student of the Month, Best Speller, that kind of thing?), are they good citizens…helpful, well-liked, popular? If those things are all true, and of course they are…we’re talking about YOUR kids , then look at “worst mom’s” kids. Whaddya think?

 

[Island_Oak]

Little Mary:

… I don’t know if I have said or done something to upset this handful of women or if they just “don’t like me”. Gut feeling. You just know.

…I also have a gift for the house-no move-mom. I will give it to her tomorrow with my best wishes. That will probably be the last time I talk to her unless she addresses me. I’m tempted to write a note with all kinds of things in it to let her know the hurt I am feeling but I won’t.

In case you are wondering, I really don’t have a clue as to what I could have done to turn this handful of women against me.

With all due empathy for the cold shoulder you have received…let it go already. This particular group of women is apparently “all full up” in the friends department and is not looking to add new members to their group. While I’m sure you didn’t do anything to earn their disdain, becoming antagonistic, confronting them, or writing them notes which critique their social skills will only futher alienate you from them and perhaps be used against you to convince others they had a reason to avoid you in the first place.

From my many moves, if there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that as the new face in the crowd, you need to move slowly. Women in general do not open up and welcome strangers into their tight-knit friendships quickly. Attempting to force yourself into a bonded group will always backfire. It’s much like dating–you can’t “convince” someone to be attracted to you. The attraction has to grow naturally over time and through interaction. Sometimes it’s preferable to wait for an invitation, rather than force a date.

The other thing to ask yourself is whether there is something about this group that united them that you don’t share. Do their husbands work/golf together? Are they old classmates/sorority sisters/tennis partners? Are they all wealthy, into working out, shopping, always dressed to kill, etc.? It can be nearly impossible to break into a group when they have a long history together. And it may also be that whatever unites them may not be something you want to be/do. Something to consider…

In the meantime, keep yourself busy and involved–you will continue to come into contact with others with whom you have things in common. And perhaps over time, as these other women get more comfortable with you–they will reach out. But they’re surely not the only act in town and for now, I’d move on.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

This problem has gotten to the point of becoming spirtual quicksand for all of you. It is coming between you and your pursuit of sanctity, so it is clear who is making use of it.

I’d not spend time on whose fault this is, even. When it has gotten to the point that you have an unshakable feeling that someone does not like you, when you have exhausted reasonable means of repairing any rift that may be there, shake their dust from you feet. Other than attending to wounded pride–a pride which is better dead!–why would you give this any more time? You’re being tempted in that direction. Don’t go there.

If this is your first time with this kind of trouble, don’t feel a need to do any more analysis of what went wrong. You’ll only be spending time beating yourself up and judging them. Chalk it up to “who knows why, but we tried and this balloon just isn’t going to fly.” You can rest assured that you are not walking away from a group of soulmates. For now, at least, they are not from your planet. Only time, time to heal and grow, is likely to change that. That’s all you need to know. As long as the problem doesn’t repeat itself elsewhere, give the fault of it over to the mercy of God. Not everyone can be your friend. Leave it at that.

You’re hurt, you resent them, you’re even a little angry with them. Give yourself some distance, so that you can let that go. That is not baggage that a soul can afford to lug around, no matter how justly provoked. The tempter prowls like a lion, and a snare has been set with your name on it. Give it wide berth. You also have been put before them as a temptation to sin. Do not make yourself available, so that the devil may not exploit their weakness. “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” and “Lead us not into tempation, but deliver us from evil”. You say that prayer often. Cooperate with it.

Whenever the temptation comes for you, respond with
“O God, come to my assistance. O Lord, make haste to help me.”
Then follow with the Prayer of St. Francis and the Our Father.

One more thing. It is not as if there are not other women out there who actually need your friendship and support. You’re keeping them waiting.

 

[Little_Mary]

Thanks Giannawannabe, Island Oak and BLB Oregon.

You are all correct. I am done. Gianna- I don’t know about the jealously thing. My children are not so awesome that they show everybody else up or anything like that. Nor am I for that matter.

Have moved several times myself, I know that it takes a while to settle in and build that ‘network’ of friends. I have moved 5 times since 1995. It generally takes about 12-18 mos. - I’ve been here for 2.5 years now!!

But you all speak wisely and I will let this go once and for all.